Oklahoma State Rep Sally Kern: "Gays Just As Dangerous As Terrorists!"













"Lesbian? No, why does everybody keep asking me that?"


Her resemblance to stereotypical lesbian, high school gym teachers be damned Sally Kern says "Gays are bad!" and that lifestyle is destroying America. The Oklahoma State representative quoting an anonymous "study" said that "No society that has completely embraced homosexuality, has lasted more than...you know...a few decades." Pointing out what she believes to be a trend of "indoctrination", the representative claims "the gays" are going on a recruting drive that would make the U.S. Army blush. Also pointing out that the mighty bastion of American politics, the Eureeka Springs city council has been infiltrated and is now controlled by "the gays".


Kern expressed concern that groups of homosexuals will eventually lock arms with each other and hurl themselves toward sky scrapers, causing more devastation than a fiendish Al Qaeda plot ever did. She then went on to say that gays:

• have shorter life expectancies



• have a higher rate of suicide



• tend to dress better



• get all the good talk shows on TV

Kern's live in "friend" Chris

Her comments have set off a firestorm of controversey but her "friend" Chris says that Kern "Only wants what's best for America" and that if people took the time to listen, she had said "alot of stuff about blacks and muslims because they're gross too and could you imagine if they were all gay 'n stuff? Jesus."

Jebus...

Ol' Dirty Spitzer Says: Ooh Baby, I Like It Raw

Left to right: Plain Ol' Dirty & Ol' Dirty

Word out of Albany NY is not only did Eliot Spitzer run up an $80,000 tab on "ho business", but he was also down with the ODB and shunned the use of prophylactics. Yes, the Love Gov likes to raw dog it like he's making movies with Jenna Jameson.

Kristen: "Hey, does the clap come with that shake?"

The most famous singularly named whore since Madonna, Empire Club rent-a-cooch Kristen stated that Spitzer would often ask her to "do things that you might not think were safe." (like being a WHORE?) This was implied to mean that the governor often chose to dive in without a wetsuit. Ever the negotiator and wary of her own personal health, the high priced trampoline said she handled it by saying "I'd be like, listen dude do you really want the sex?" THEN CHARGED HIM EXTRA.



When news of these allegations was brought to the attention of Senator Ted Kennedy he responded "Wow, he should have called me...or Gary Condit."

Holy Spit: NY Governor is A FREAK!

"I get my balls back when we get home, right?"

NY Governor, Eliot Spitzer held an emergency press conference yesterday to announce that he was "sorry" for doing "something" to his family. He asked for time in deciding what to do next and said he would take no questions. Oh yeah...that "something" was ordering whores on tax payer money to the tune of $5,500 a pop(Ba-zing!). Client # 9 as he is referred to in seized documents has allegedly been getting fat on "ho cake" for possibly six years!


Origininally suspected of taking bribes or campaign fraud, Spitzer had been under surveillance for months by investigators. They were stunned when wiretaps and flagged bank records showed the disgraced crime fighter was spending a peculiar amount of money on QAT an alleged dummy corporation used to shield the funds of The Emperors Club, a hoochie vendor that pulled in $1million dollars in profit over four years. "It's like finding a $100 bill in a box of Cracker Jack," said a still visibly stunned investigator. "Talk about getting more than what you asked for! This shit only happens on Law & Order!"















"Dude it was like that! Virgin, my ass!"


Former President, Bill Clinton said: "It's a sad day for New York and a sad day for interns everywhere. I can't believe he paid!" Equally sullied former U.S. Representative Gary Condit, wept openly for Spitzer and uttered repeatedly "He should have called me." The Governor's stoic wife Silda Wall Spitzer, has recently filed a petition to have the "S" in her name legally changed to a "$"(dollar sign) because as she puts it, "A bitch is about to get PAID!"

Silda Wall Spitzer after visiting The Law Offices of Howie, Leavem & Broke

Seven Deadly Sins: DA REMIX!









"Crack is wack! Can you dig it? Can you dig it? CAN YOU DIG IT?"


Kanye West. Diddy. Dr. Dre. The Vatican? Taking a page from the book of Kanyezee, the Catholic Church decided to take something really old (1,500 years to be exact) that no one has given much thought to in a while and remixed it fresh for the '08! Citing a need for them due to a "decreasing sense of sin in today’s securalised world”, the Pope decided to add on to the original Seven Seadly Sins to make it "hip" for the kids.

The new or "iSins" as the Chucrh wants to call them include:

• "Evil genetic manipulators" or scientists involved in cloning, stem cell research, etc.



• abuse of drugs "God thinks crack is wack too"



• huge inequality of wealth...like lining an organizations coffers for the sake of "hush money"



• Environmental callousness or "littering"...turns out Woodsy the Owl was a Prophet: Give a Hoot or YOUR SOUL WILL BURN IN HELL FOR AN ETERNITY!
• and strangely asterisked and footnoted with "do as I say" in the smallest print legible: pedophila

The last thing you see before your anguished screams echo in hell.

Bishop Gianfranco Girotti, head of the Apostolic Penitentiary, the Vatican body that oversees confessions and plenary indulgences, said priests must take account of “new sins which have appeared on the horizon of humanity as a corollary of the unstoppable process of globalization”. The Catholic Church divides sins into venial, or less serious, sins and mortal sins. It holds mortal sins to be ‘grave violations of the Ten Commandments and the Beatitudes’ and holds that ‘the souls of those who die in a state of mortal sin descend into Hell’. Suprisingly, denigration of women, shaking down the poor and downtrodden for tithe, and homosexuality(or the "so-so" sin as they like to call it) were mysteriously omitted.

Aw Huck It!: Mike's Done








"Weekend Update, I am so there!"


"It's been a heckuva run!" this was how Mike Huckabee summed up his futile and often amusing run for the Republican partys' presidential nomination. Huckabee said he believed that his supporters should back McCain in November. Adding that he has no "Plan B" for his political career. "Clearly, things didn't go our way tonight, and we had hoped they would," he told reporters on his plane back to Little Rock. "But when the inevitable is staring you in the face, you accept it. I leave this man my delegates but most importantly, I leave him Chuck Norris. He will continue to slap the bejesus out of anyone that opposes this party or its ideals and goals. I do so with my blessing."


So long Huck. You were one of the most lovable candidates of recent memory. You amused us like the old guy with alzheimers who crapped his pants and honestly didn't know why people were moving away from him. Hysterical.

Americans Outraged As Marine Kills Puppy, Still On The Fence About Other Human Beings













A Youtube video surfaced recently depicting an American soldier allegedly hurling a dog off a cliff to his death sending shockwaves throughout the country. Animal lovers and activists and lovers were outraged by his actions and to show their displeasure, they found the soldiers name and proceeded to post his home address here. Unrepentant human oil-spill in training, Jeffrey Munro freely posted sensitive information (name and home address) of someone who may or may not have been in the video leaving the persons' family open to numerous death threats and possibly worse repurcussions down the road. "This is not a breathing, rational thinking human being with a family or anything trivial like that this man has killed," said one pooch proponent. "It was a dog! It catches frisbees and eats dinner scraps for Christs' sake. I hope his children are born with their organs on the outside." When asked how he felt about the thousands of dead American and Iraqi soldiers the man shrugged and asked what the ratio of dead Americans to Iraqi was because "God doesn't really care about the brownies."

Unfortunately, the soldier wasn't smart enough to engage in cock fighting because not only are chickens ugly, but damnit they taste good too.

Disney Unearths Two Classics For DVD Release!

Rotting in the vaults for years...well, the one on the right.

Just in time for the Easter Holiday, Walt Disney unveils two timeless classics. Premiering on DVD this week is 101 Dalmatians , resurrected from the Disney vaults for the first time in a decade. Cruella de Vil and her quest for a rare and pricey dalmation coat are brought to life on this beautiful, digitally restored print of the 1961 film. Your children will delight in the restored "skinning" scene with all the yelps in tact.

However the real jewel in the crown is the second release. After over sixty-years in the bowels of Disney's vaults come its pride and joy, as Song of the South makes it's way to home video with a special Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah Slavery Is Swell Edition. The story revolves around Uncle Remus, the happiest slave on the plantation. His life and the life of his masters son Johnny, changes after he takes the boy in when he runs away from his divorcing parents. The child grows to love his friendship with the slaves, much to the chagrin of his proper mother. The movie was the first of its kind to show that no matter how bad it is for white people, a singing smiling, black guy makes everything feel alright.

"Stew tastes good huh? ...yeah, I peed in it."

As an added bonus there's a never before seen Director's cut which shows a more reflective, darker Remus who rose up against his oppressive masters but still had time to sing with animated birds. Some bonus features include songs cut from the film like "Stop Whippin' Me, Ya Bastards!", "You Mean I Can't Leave?" and "I Ain't Pickin' Shit!" (a fiery protest song sung by the character after he gets reprimanded for regaling the children with his tales of Br'er Rabbit). These were cut initially to give the film a lighter feel. Also in the bonus footage section the "foot cutting scene" (when a fellow slave gets a little too spry for his own good, his masters put him in check) and the extended and very explicit "love that dare not speak its name" scene where Johnny's mother realizes divorce might not be so bad. When asked about the racist overtones and perceived insensitivity of the film, a company flack stated "I think it's time for this film to be released," adding "I mean he sings and he smiles and...dog gone it, his voice is nice. I think people have gotten over that "thing" don't you?"

"...and tomorrow, I'll tell you where I buried him."

When first informed about the news of the releases, the Rev. Al Sharpton said he had mixed feelings about the messages being sent by a movie with black and white dogs as the stars. "You got these predominantly white dogs with little black spots on them, and that lady wants them to make a valuable coat out of them," said the civil rights leader. "I wonder how rare the coat would have been if it was a black dog with white spots? That's why I've started my own production company and our first animated picture is called 101 Pitbulls. It stars the voices of Gary Coleman, Lil' Kim and Coolio!" When asked what the plot was, the reverend confided that there really wasn't one and the film mainly consisted of the title characters attacking unsuspecting white folks. After being reminded that Song of The South was also set for release, Sharpton fainted.

Come for the cute dogs, stay for the good old fashioned racism.

Thanks Disney!

Let's Play A Game!













PopQuiz: Which one of these periodicals was once a right-leaning, albeit respectable newspaper but now hopes to corner the sleazy, Cheez Whiz sucking, celebrity obsessed stay at home mom market by proclaiming itself as #1 for gossip.

Go ahead, I'll wait...

Snake Acts Like...A SNAKE, Eats Family Dog!

"Oh snap! Dude get that camera out my face, seriously!"

Recently there was a stark reminder of just how uncivilized and animal-like an animal can be . An Australian family claims it was "shocked and horrified" that a 16-foot scrub python ate the family dog. What makes the story even more heartbreaking and shows that snakes are the Devils messenger, is the fact that the family claimed they saw it "stalk" their dog a week earlier. "The family that owned the dog had actually seen it in the dog's bed, which was a sign it was out to get it," said Stuart Douglas, owner of the Australian Venom Zoo. "They should have called me then." The shocking discovery was made by two children aged 5 and 7 who cheerd the carnage but lamented the clean-up. "Its legs were doing the funny kick like on the cartoons when someone gets dropped on their skull!" said Timmy, the 7 year old. 5 year old Lisa sat motionless throughout the interview clutching a dog collar and blnking like a laid off postal worker.

The snake was captured and taken to the Zoo to digest the dog before being released in the wild. Help Me Jebus! has obtained an interview with incarcerated reptile:

Help Me Jebus: So, do you realize what you've done? Have you seen the pictures?

Snake: Where'd you get those?

HMJ: They were taken by the zoo. Do you deny this is you?

S: I'm not sayin' nothin'. No, you know what?: There's a tiger in San Diego that's dead! She's dead because you guys threw shit at her and was surprised she wanted to eat people and you shot her like a black guy who doesn't identify himself in a timely manner to police! Even though natives of her homeland keep their distance because she EATS PEOPLE! You're a fascist, man! A f--king fascist!

Tatiana The Tiger: A fallen comrade...ha ha, dumb tiger!

HMJ: Do you see the pain and emotional damage you've caused to this family?


S: Damage? I waited in that things bed a week ago and these people did nothing! They saw me laying there like: "Hello, I'm a snake! I'd like to eat your f--king dog!" Poke me with a stick? Crush my head with a rock? Nothing!


The hardened belly crawler then broke down and wept uncontrollably.

S: Come on dude...I got problems, man! Problems!. My whole life, man...my ancestors in the Bible...they said we're responsible for the downfall of humanity. Humanity man! Then my cousins who eat mice and also kill people, they get GEICO commercials. They dance around with Naomi Campbell...I want to help people with affordable insurance rates! I wanna dance with black chicks. I can do that. You people just don't know. You f--kin' people!

HMJ Exclusive!: The REAL Obama Pic He Doesn't Want You To See!

"Who you votin' for?"

Just when you thought Turban-Gate would be the biggest thing to to hit the Obama campaign, HMJ has obtained a picture that may be the knock-out blow to his presidential run. In an e-mail received from a Jebus confidant known only by the address HCForPrez_08@hotmail.com, a stunning picture of the White House hopeful engaging in questionable behavior was attached.

The "other" picture now seems tame compared to the Jebus Exclusive photo.

"I thought him running around in his terrorist threads was pretty damn foul," said staffer Artie Abramson "but this...I mean the guy's clearly choking white girls. Is that what he does when he's not hangin' with Oprah?" Many political pundits in the know believe the photo is symbolic of the former Illinois governors' true intentions towards Hillary Clinton. "I'm not surprised," said Clinton "I warned everyone about how he looked at me during the debates. I want to remind all southerners especially, Watch how he leers at me during debates! Mandingo wasn't just a movie but a cautionary tale!" When given news of the latest photo, Senator John McCain said "Dude, wow! You guys know I'm running for president too, right?"

We're so scared for her.

All calls to Obama campaign headquarters by us were met with laughter and a dial tone but we will not stop.

What are you afraid of Obama, they won't elect a white girl choker to the office of President of The United States?

Your opponent happens to be white and you may want to...you know...choke her?


We here at Help Me Jebus are waiting, you white girl choking monster.



No seriously dude, we're waiting.

Yeah, But I'm Still Alive...Today

This week New York Magazine premiered a stunning tribute to legendary drug-addled trampoline Marilyn Monroe by having not so-legendary, drug addled receptacle Lindsay Lohan mimic her "Last Sitting" photo spread from 46 years earlier. Original photographer Bert Stern shot Lohan in various stages of dress and undress for his pictorial that accompanies a recent Li-Lo interview. The stunning photos were shot in black and white and color and are viewed as an attempt to resucitate the 21 year-old's floundering, post-I Know Who Killed Me carreer.

Some excerpts form the interview:

• When asked about Heath Ledger's and Monroe's untimely deaths: “They are both prime examples of what this industry can do to someone… I don’t know. I’m not them. But I sure as hell wouldn’t let it happen to me. I'll probably be driven mad by syphilis but drugs...Vicodin are like Skittles to me.”

• Regarding nudity: You know how many cell phone cameras in Hollywood have pics of my junk? Are you serious? Tasteful nudity? Oh you mean with nothing in my mouth? Oh, that's cool too."

• On Monroe herself: “Here is a woman who is giving herself to the public. She’s saying, ‘Look, you’ve taken a lot from me, so why don’t I give it to you myself?’ She’s taking control back. I can't believe she blew out her o-ring on the casting couch though. Did you hear about that? Totally had no elasticity...that's so gross!"

"I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically. For him to call Lindsay 46 years later and to say can you recreate these photos is an honor." beamed a proud Dina Lohan. She then added "Look at her cans, they're gorgeous! They're heavenly! The amount of product anyone of her boyfriends and myself have snorted off of them...I couldn't begin to tell you. The world should be so lucky to see them...again." Lohan went on to say her daughter was a huge Marilyn Monroe fan even though the star was long dead by the time she started to live vicariously through her child via her Disney money.

"Drink alot of Red Bull tonight...yeah dude...both of us!"

End Of An Error? Castro Steps Down...Kinda

"Change my diaper with cold hands and you get this!"

“It would be a betrayal to my conscience to accept a responsibility requiring more mobility and dedication than I am physically able to offer,” with those words a 50 year reign of tyranny came to an end...sorta. Fidel Castro stepped down today as president of Cuba "relinquishing his power" to his brother Raúl which is like deciding you'd rather be stabbed to death slowly than be put in front of a firing squad. The younger Castro has been in power since the summer of 2006 when the elderly death dealer took ill.

The news was met with mixed results. While most Cubans rejoiced at the fact the hated leader would be taking a lesser role in their homelands government, they also realized that the entire regime would have to be nuked to sub-atomic particles in order for them to enjoy simple pleasures like reading a book of their own choosing or the ability to travel. "I guess it's cool, " said Gustavo Mendoza through a translator. Also adding "It's very similar to having a bowl of vomit on one side in front of you and a bowl of feces on the other. You have to eat one or else you'll get shot in the head, right?...Right?" He then became inconsolable as he tore off his shirt and dropped to his knees with his palms upturned as he wailed like the mother of a shot gang banger.









Mourned by his brothers-in-arms.

Revered by his peers, news of the geriatric, genocidal maniac's resignation had a sombering effect throughout the world of evil. Emperor Palpatine said via-satellite "Not good. Not good at all. When I met young Castro he was unfamiliar with the darkside. It wasn't until he choked a family of four with his mind at the age of 16 just because their oldest daughter was unattractive that he realized that this bad guy shit was gonna be fun. Sad. Very sad." The all powerful Eternal Ruler Of Hell, Satan was shocked when we told him the news as he strolled the streets of Miami. "Aw no...dude...are you shittin' me?" Then through tear-filled eyes he related these feelings to us: "Sometimes when those people would plan their esacpes, me and F-Bomb (his pet name for the dictator) would watch as they prepared their make shift boats from pieces of wood and card board. Then we would just laugh as their poorly made life boats would disintergrate and they screamed in agony as the sharks tore the flesh from their bodies . I said "It doesn't get any better than this!" and he put his arm around me and said: "No my friend, it doesn't!" and we just fired back enough Coronas to put a frat boy in intensive care and laughed til we cried. Oh god, I feel sick." The devil then abruptly ended the interview and wept uncontrollably for a full 15 minutes.


Sad indeed.

Chelsea Crushes Kid Reporter

"Look at them, frightened...each and every one of them!"

David Shuster's mouth has seemingly written a check his behind can't cash and now the rest of the news media is paying for it. In the wake of Pimp-Gate in which the news correspondent commented how her mothers campaign "pimped her out", Chelsea Clinton and the rest of the Hillary '08 campaign ain't takin' no guff from anyone! The first step was the "indefinite suspension" of Shuster (now to be lifted on February 22nd). Next she issued a decree that her child was "off-limits" to the media in any age bracket during her campaign as "kid reporter" Sydney Rieckhoff quickly found out.

Recently in Iowa Rieckhoff a budding reporter for journalism powerhouse Scholastic News , pursued Chelsea to ask her some hard hitting questions. After fighting her way through the sweaty throngs of reporters, the fourth grader hit the former first daughter with a barrage of questions. After the customary "What's your favorite color?" and "How does your mother's healthcare program differ from others?", the Nancy Grace-in-training went for the jugular with "Do you think your dad would be a good "first man" in the White House?" The first spawn responded "I'm sorry, I don't talk to the press and that applies to you. Even though I think you're cute." What happened next is really sketchy as some say the child was maced and put in an armbar by burly Secret Service men while others say demons shot forth from her mouth knocking the child to the floor as they rested the tape recorder from her fragile hands.

A consumate professional, Rieckhoff handled the ordeal stoicly.

"I threw up and pee-peed. Something with wings and bad breath grabbed me...I was so scared" said the stunned elementary schooler. She then added "My dad, said it was her mommy's fault that Vince Foster is dead. Maybe it's good I didn't get to ask her if it was true? I want ice cream." While admitting no wrongdoing, Hillary Clinton did acknowledge the incident. "What is she, nine? Ten? She'll be OK. The snot running from her nose...the quivering lips, I loved it. She's broken now. " The child is said to be on temporary leave for "mental health" issues according to Scholastic News.

Illiterate Man Was Teacher For 17 Years!

Shhh...it's upside down.

Palo Verde High School in California and Texas Western University in El Paso probably don't want you to read this. It's OK though because a man that both institutes issued diplomas to couldn't either. John Corcoran claims that not only did he get through both institutes without the ability to read but he earned a bachelor's degree in education and then went on to teach high school for 17 years!

"As a teacher it really made me sick to think that I was a teacher who couldn't read. It is embarrassing for me, and it's embarrassing for this nation and it's embarrassing for schools that we're failing to teach our children how to read, write and spell!"said the former educator. "Then I thought , screw it the money's good. I'll have these bastards driving into oncoming traffic if I can. Little having the ability to read bastards!" Corcoran said that not only did he teach for all those years but was granted a leave of absence to become a successful real estate developer. Corcoran said that he got by for years on oral lessons only and help from teachers aides. Former students Jim-Billy and Joe Jenkins claim they were none the wiser to their former teachers deception. "If you were to ask us if teacher was an intelligent man, we's been inclined to say yes. As far as readin' words and such I would say yes to that as well."said Jim-Billy with Joe adding, "If you was to ask us if we was brothers or kinda like a father and son deal then we's inclined to say yes to that too."

Jim-Billy and Joe Jenkins never suspected a thing.

"Now that there Corcoran may have been a lyin cheat but how's we supposed ta know?" exclaimed Jack Bob Willems, dean of admissions at TWU. "Do you guys think that Rachel Ray and the Emeril fella really cook all that stuff on TV? You eat it though don'tcha? Sanctimonious sons of bitches." The now functionally literate man seeks to help people as he is now a literacy advocate who's Corcoran Foundation helps thousands of people learn to read through grants, special literacy programs and tutoring for all ages. He is also a highly sought after public speaker who has given lectures across the country and in Canada. "Bill Gates flunked out of college and he's a billionaire but until I was 48, I would have eaten it in a 5th grade spelling bee and I'm rich now too. Top that Gates!" laughed Corcoran as he fanned himself with one hundred dollar bills.

The Chairman Of The Corcoran Foundation

"I Got Your Back, Dawg!", Romney Endorses McCain










"Now we gotta get rid of the cankle-y chick and the black guy!"


Citing that he is doing it "in the interests of healing", Mitt Romney has pledged to endorse Senator John McCain for the GOP presidential nomination. "I am honored today to give my full support to Sen. McCain's candidacy for the presidency of the United States," said Romney adding, "This is a man capable of leading our country in this dangerous hour. Not just against terrorists or uppity colored people who think they can run a country but also Mike Huckabee. Threatening to slap me? He's out of his f--king mind!"


According to sources in both the Romney and McCain camps, it was a Romney campaign advisor that suggested a union with McCain. It was done in hopes that the former Massachusetts governor would sway his delegates to rally behind McCain's candidacy. A Republican analyst in the know stated "Look, we know he's not the best we have but that sack of Geritol is all that stands in the way of womens pantsuits in the oval office or Flo-Rida singing at the inauguration. I mean...Jesus."


Romney had collected 286 delegates before he suspended his campaign two weeks ago. Those delegates would give McCain 1,113 total delegates, 78 short of securing the nomination. Republicans are now worried that the longer Mike Huckabee lingers, the tougher it will be for McCain to rally support. There are "still a lot of Republicans around this country who have yet to vote, many of them who feel like their voices still ... [need] to be heard." Huckabee said. "I owe it the people who got me here. And besides me and Chuck ain't goin' nowhere! I ain't hard to find McCain! You and pompadour come see me...bitches!" Huckabee then motioned as if he were going to slap the reporter. Promptly ending the interview.

Breaking News: Clemens Hires New Attorneys

Blake & Simpson "What's Evidence?"

Seeing the writing on the wall and the failure of Rusty_Hardin looming on the horizon, Roger Clemens is in talks to drop his legal team to hook up with the newly minted law firm of Blake & Simpson. The team has history of getting the hopelessly guilty inexplicably exonerated. "What is "evidence" exactly?" said Bob Blake one half of the dynamic legal duo. "I mean, a gun with prints? People seeing you leave the scene of the crime and then going back to retrieve your gun? Sweating like a priest at a Cub Scout meeting when the cops take you in for questioning? All circumstantial. This will be easy."

"I got your f--kin' retainer right here, Rusty!"

With allegedly damning testimony from "best friend" Andy Petitte and former teamate Chuck Knoblauch as well as possible DNA evidence, it looked like the Rocket would have to come clean and admit to using illegal steroids in front of a House Senate committe but not so says litigator Simpson. "DNA is kind of overrated. If your blood is on something does that mean it came from you? Flesh under your finger nails? Come on, man!This case is weak. He'll be home in time for spring training." The famous attorney then discussed how Clemens needs to look for the "real steroid abuser" and how he could possibly dedicate the rest of his life to doing so.

"I'm glad Roger has decided to go in a different direction," said Debra Clemens, the hurlers wife. "It has been a strain on the entire family. All of this unwarranted speculation mentally drains you...it wears you down." The dainty mother of four then went on to say how she is withering away to nothing and how her husband worries about her diminishing appearance every night.

Debra Clemens: Getting smaller every day.

The team is set to begin defending the Texas fire-baller immediately.

We Interrupt This Fake News To Bring You...

Hi ladies and gentlemen. My name is Mike Huckabee I purchased this time on Help Me Jebus! to remind you all that I'm running for the Republican Party's nomination for the Presidency of The United States. You might be saying right now: "Who's this guy?" "Why should I listen to him?" "Doesn't he regularly finish second to John McCain?" Well you should listen to me and yes I do constantly finish second but I have alot to offer. For example:

• I'm not as old as John McCain. I mean are you serious? His liver spots have liver spots. Who's gonna pay for the installation of ramps for the Rascal scooter and rails for his motorized lifting chair? You, the tax payer that's who! State of the Union Address has to be put on hold because "ol' prunes for breakfast" dropped a diaper bomb? Yuck.
  
• Minority relations? I may not be Barack Obama but I know all about black people. Sanford and Son, What's Happening!!, The Jeffersons, Good Times you think I'm watching them on BET and TVOne in reruns? I saw them first run in the 70's when you people didn't have your UPN's and WB's. I'm old school homey!
  
• I'm not a lesbian with a beard of a husband that chases the chubby. Dude, come on she was gross!
  
• I know God. Not Allah or Vishnu or Golobutron or whatever the hell the Scientologists call him but G-O-D! The big guy. Do I recognize the existence of those other "religions" or their deities? No. Am I worried I offended potential voters? Not really. I don't have a weird "religion" like Romney. Where's "Mitty" now? Done. Why? God don't like weirdos.
  

and finally but most importantly

• I know Chuck Norris and we have a plan. If I receive this party's nomination we will slap the dog mess out of anyone who opposes us. Iran? Pla-dow! Osama Bin Laden? "Uh hello. Yeah, this is Mike Huckabee you commited an act of terrorism in my country seven years ago? Yeah, ring a bell?...KA-KOW!" Five across the eye!
  

What you are reading right now was actually written days ago. Chuck and myself have already taken to the streets of the inner cities of America and we are slapping the bejesus out of drug dealers, pimps, muggers, Mormons and other unsavory characters. If you're doing wrong, as there is a Lord in the sky and oxygen in our lungs, Mr. Norris and myslef will slap the steaming dog mess out of you. I promise you, I will wear my hand out on the face of injustice.

Me showing exactly how I will "slap the dog mess" out of people.

Don't you want a country that doesn't live in fear of terroism? Don't you want a president with a friend who's a black belt and has a beard that makes a man piss his pants? A friend with hands like granite that will dole out slap justice like Rick James on a bender? That's not John McCain, that's me. I'm Mike Huckabee and I will slap the dog mess out of you.

Vote Huckabee.

Thank you, Help Me Jebus.

This message has been approved by Chuck Norris.

Not So "Hottie"

Why pay for it when you've seen it for free? That must have been the rationale behind the publics' decision to stay away from the celluloid Hiroshima known as The Hottie and the Nottie starring Paris Hilton. Movie goers having seen her slightly more talented vagina gratis on the net, decided against paying to see a film where she is clothed and attempting to put sentences together. With an estimated $25,000 weekend take, the film made Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show: 30 Days & 30 Nights look like a Star Wars opening and that one only took in a little more than $500,000.

"I only saw half of it and I felt my womb go barren."

"I think that clip on Youtube with the two chicks fighting at school recess was seen by more people," said box office analyst Artie Manfre, adding "I just checked the site. Not only that clip but some fat kid making hand shadows has got it beat by a mile!" A momentary wave of common sense is believed to be the culprit in this opening weekend no show. A man who asked to be called "Not The Director" said "I watched a colonoscopy in film school once, it was riveting in comparison to this!" He then went on to say " I tried my best with this receptacle but whenever I said "action", she tilted her head to the side like a confused puppy and then slowly spread her legs."

The studios haven't been deterred by this showing and have optioned the celebrity protein collector for three more films. Sources say a remake of the Morgan Freeman/Dustin Hoffman germ paranoia film Outbreak, Legs Wide Open, a sequel to the Tom Cruise film and The Hottie And The Nottie 2: Not Harder are in the developmental stages as of this writing.

Drug Users Are...Winners!

"Just say yes, mum! Just say YES!"

Former First Lady Nancy Reagan can chug a big glass of "shut the hell up", as her "Just Say No" anti-drug message of the 80's was rendered useless courtesy of Amy Winehouse. The perenially addled song bird stumbled off with 5 Grammy Awards and the adulation of millions, giving the slogan the relevancy of Wendy's old "Where's The Beef?" campaign. It also proved that drug dealers aren't really that bad and in fact actually provide a creative boost to the entertainment industry as the corpses of Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix, can attest to.

Winehouse who was seen smoking crack just a month ago, shocked all the naysayers as she won all the major categories except Album Of The Year which was won by Herbie Hancock whose album was heard by the voters and his immediate family. "We were shocked when her name was called all those times," said Amy's mother Janice. "I'm so proud of her for not puking and scratching herself bloody on camera." The win truly shows what you can achieve by overcoming absolutely nothing and people will accept your drug problem as long as it's combined with an ability to earn money. When speaking on his company's aborted attempt to drop her because of her "problem", Nick Gatfield, president of Island Records stated "It’s a reflection of her status [in the US] that when you flick through the TV coverage [of the Grammys] it’s her image they use." then adding "You think I was gonna take the L and dead that cash cow? You're out of your mind. Out of your f--kin' mind!"

When did this shit come out?

It wasn't all crackpipes and cotton candy for the UK warbler as her victory was met with some criticism. Former LSD, heroin and crack addict Natalie Cole stated that Winehouse's victory sent a "cake and eat it too" message to young performers even though she herself accepted a Grammy in 1975 while riding the white horse. This moment of pot meet kettle was rendered even more surreal by the fact that her young son almost drowned in her family pool while Cole and her late husband the Rev. Marvin Yancy indulged in a drug-fueled binge.

No. No. No.

Bloody Syringe, Bloody Gauze...Bloody Hell, I Still Didn't Do It!

"If Two and A Half Men is a repeat again tonight, I swear to god..."

After giving sworn testimony on Capitol Hill yesterday 7-time Cy Young winner and OJ-level delusional liar, Roger Clemens was dealt another serious blow to his crusade to prove his innocence in an ongoing steroid investigation. Brian McNamee, his trainer and alleged supplier handed over used syringes, bloody gauze and other effects that could implicate him for lying about his use of performance enhancing drugs. "Roger Clemens has put himself in a position where his legacy as the greatest pitcher in baseball will depend less on his ERA and more on his DNA," said Earl Ward, a lawyer for McNamee.

The evidence allegedly comes from 2000 and 2001, the time whem McNamee says he personally injected the former Red Sox and Yankee great. "You are about to see part two of the Duke case" warned Rusty Hardin, a Clemens attorney. "Not so much with the black chick having a train run on her by priviliedged white guys and then she accuses them but they get off because she was a lying stripper whore anyway but you know...just take out the lacrosse team and put Roger in their place but he's like totally guilty but still rich and white and the lying, whore stripper is also white but...you know not nearly as rich or famous?" The attorney went on to suggest that this is helpful to their case as it shows McNamee to be determined to "ruin a guy that people will always like more than him because he's rich and it's really sad."

In a related story, Clemens family dog Cocoa, a teacup chihuahua was disqualified from a local dog show for being "overweight" for her division. "When does the persecution of my family end?" the baeseball great lamented. "Just look at her, she's the sweetest two year-old you've ever seen. I remember when I brought her home she fit in the palm of my hand. She's still so tiny. I'm gonna find who runs that show and rip their god damned liver and kindeys out. Cook them and feed it to them. Let them crap it out and make them eat it again." Clemens then shouted obscenities at a busload of handicapped children before boarding the bus and punching each child while handing them an autographed baseball.

Cocoa Clemens, such a cutie.