Monday, September 14, 2009

Real Douchebags Angered By Kanye West Comparison

(l) Helpful douche (r) Hurtul "douche"

Millions of Taylor Swift fans aren't the only ones offended by Mr. West's latest award show antics. It seems the feminine hygiene community is up in arms at the constant comparisons to the Louis Vitton Don. Vin Ager, an attorney claiming to speak on behalf of "millions of real douchebags everywhere" fired off a scathing letter to the press:

For years now the actions of Mr. Kanye West have been attributed to "douchebag behavior", "acting like or being a douche" or "douche-y". Let the record show that since the 1800's we have helped wash away things almost as foul as Mr. West himself and we ask at this time that he no longer be identified as being a "douchebag". He hasn't now or ever been one of us. If you want to identify him with anything we suggest:

  • Scumbag-because catching semen is a crap job

  • Asshole-with his mouth being reminiscient of one as it produces shit


  • Extremely lucky, arrogant vocoder using, obnoxious and questionably talented fucktard...unless there are also objections from the fucktard community.

If we have to be identified with untalented celebrities we would like to keep it limited to harmless "douches" like John Gosselin, Spencer Pratt or any male reality star on VH-1.

Thank you.

Story developing...

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Monday, November 03, 2008

This Can't Happen In America... Ohio maybe, but NOT in America!!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Worldnet Daily Says: "God Doesn't Want Change"
God Says: "I Never Said That!"

A vote for Obama is a vote for eternal damnation says Janet Porter of conservative e-rag WorldNetDaily. According to a post that promises everything short of a plague of locusts and exploding genetalia, Porter says the good book has forseen the end of civilization with an Obama win.

Here is an excerpt:

To all those who name the name of Christ who plan to willfully disobey Him by voting for Obama, take warning. Not only is our nation in grave danger, according to the Word of God, so are you.

First, the facts on life: On July 17, 2007,
Barack Obama spoke to Planned Parenthood and said:
On this fundamental issue of [abortion rights], I will not yield and Planned Parenthood will not yield. ... The first thing I'll do as president is sign the Freedom of Choice Act. That's the first thing that I'd do. ...

And what is the "Freedom of Choice Act"? It would completely federalize the abortion issue and strike down all state laws from parental notification to the Woman's Right to Know Laws to bans on partial-birth abortion, declaring them null and void with the stroke of an Obama pen.

In one week, America will make a choice. And to those who call themselves "Christian" who are planning on voting for Barack Obama, put down the Obama talking points and read God's voter guide before you go to the polls:

I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live (Deuteronomy 30:19).

But you think this issue doesn't matter? God felt so strongly about it that he carved it in stone:

You shall not murder (Exodus 20:13).
Think you can
love God and still vote against life? In John 14:15, Jesus said:
If you love Me, keep My commandments.
Yes, and "Thou shall not murder" made the top 10.

(L) An artists inetrpretation of New York City shortly after an Obama win. (R) the "really scary stuff"

Porter goes on to rant about God making food taste bad and by his divinity forcing every radio station to play "the hip-hop" as she calls it, on an infinite basis. "How could God have let a bla...non-Christian get so far in a race for the most important seat in America?" lamented the card carrying McCainiac. "I think it was a test and now he's waiting to drop the big one on us. Famine, pestilence, interracial gay couples...people having to live within their means. It's coming...coming I tell you. And people wanna vote for this?..buncha stupid bastards."

When finally reached for comment, the almighty was livid. "When? When did I say this stuff and to who? And why? That country isn't even on the biggest continent in the world!" said the creator of pretty much everything. "Look, I got alot of things going on and I don't have time to be linked to every threat that humanity places against each other. What about Vishnu? He never said anything about damning anyone right? Buddha, Shiva and Gleep Glorp or whoever the f-ck Scientologists pray to love everyone right? ...tired of this shit!"

The Almighty: "Tired of this shit!"

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


“In these tough economic times, Americans should be more cautious with their money and shy away from frivolous spending.” This is advice that super-douche, Jet fan David Findel took a steaming dump on as he secured the rights to $400,000 seats on the 50 yard line at the new Meadowlands Stadium opening in 2010.

Findel raised the stakes when the auction got as high as 140K for the two seats. The 43 year old owner of a Mortgage Lending firm…(no really, that’s what he does. call it irony or whatever…), put in the winning bid of $200K per seat in a silent auction. He chose to not be silent upon winning as he called the others in the room “Poor bastards!” and said he would “wipe his ass with all the default notices from the firm…BAILOUT BITCHES!”

"Who me? I'm broke."

When told of Findel’s windfall well known pop culture moneybags and philanthropist Monopoly Guy , stated “He did wha…does this guy watch the news? Are you f-cking kidding me?”

Sunday, October 26, 2008

We Got Him, Ashley!

The "B" was for Bigfoot, beeyotch!

The plight of Ashley Todd, the McCain volunteer who cried “black guy” held the nation in a politically and racially charged chokehold for nearly 48 hours. Originally, the 20 year-old college student told Pittsburgh PD that she was accosted by a 6’4, 200 pound, African-American, card carrying Democrat who took umbrage at her support for John McCain and carved a symbolic “B” into her cheek to mark her as a “converted” Obama supporter. The story soon fell apart however, as Todd was unable to keep her stories straight and the search for a dyslexic left-wing nut was coming up short.

After several failed lie detector tests and consolatory calls from McCain and Palin as well as a statement from the Obama camp, she told the police that she had made up her black assailant and couldn’t remember much of the night. She was arrested and formerly charged with filing a false report.

Shortly after we received a startling phone call from the “real slasher” who wanted to come into our offices and speek exclusively to Help Me Jebus!

All he wants is his "props", he stated before he stormed out of the interview.

HMJ: Is there any reason why Todd was singled out?

BF: Other than the fact she was a slow runner? Look at that chick’s face.

HMJ: Did you want recognition and why thievery?

BF: First of all I didn’t steal anything. And secondly…I guess I was upset that people have forgotten about me. Sadaam’s dead. Nobody’s seen Bin Laden in 7 years but I’m still here, man. Shit, Google us and you’ll see both those guys are getting way more press than me. Why? I’m not dead. People swear they see me and take pictures all the time but I get nothing. I’m tired of it. Everybody’s getting a slice of the fame pie except “Ol’ Sassy”!

HMJ: Why the violent, backwards carving of the “B”

BF: Look man, I’m a Bigfoot! I crap in the woods and run from people with cameras, I never had time for schooling…I did the best I could. [he momentarily sobs but then quickly regains his composure] Let me ask you a question: “Who’s dumber the guy who can’t write letters so good or the dullard who mistakes me for a hairless, 6’4” black dude?” I’m at least 7 feet.

HMJ: Do you plan on turning yourself in?

BF: Nah man, screw that. I think I let the world know that I’m still here and people should be scared of me. I’ve been running for fifty years and they haven’t caught me yet! I’m not about to turn myself in! What up with that, Bin Laden?

HMJ: What upset you most about the coverage?

BF: The only thing that pisses me off is they tried to turn this into a political thing. I support neither party. They’ve never done anything for me or my kind and I don’t appreciate being a tool…I mean for either party because I’m so NOT a tool. And I hear Willie Horton had some shit to say too. Dude don't even try it, no one's heard from you in 20 years. That was my show!

Friday, June 06, 2008

No Country For Straight Men:
Man Accidentally Walks Into Sex And The City Screening

Last night seemed like any other night to Mark Henriquez of Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn. He went to the local Loewes Humongoplex Theater with his girlfriend to catch the eight o’clock showing of Iron Man but it wasn’t meant to be. Henriquez shares his harrowing account with HMJ.

“We were sitting there waiting for the movie to start but we were both hungry. I should have gotten the food on the way in but I wanted to get us good seats.” said Henriquez. The young man however decided to go for refreshments after the movie had started. After the initial shock of taking out a home equity loan for pop corn two hot dogs and a large diet soda, the disoriented New Yorker attempted to return to the theater to enjoy the food with his mate but that never happened.

Left to right: Kristin Davis, Sarah Jessica Parker and Cynthia Nixon (not pictured Kim Catrall's re-animated corpse.)

“I guess after wiping the tears from my eyes, I was a little confused. I walked into a theater and I sat down next to a girl who was dressed very similar to mine and just started eating and talking.” He added. “First thing I noticed was Jeff Bridges looked like shit but they kept calling him “Samantha”. I wasn’t aware of any character in Iron Man by that name and I figured they added him for the movie. Then I noticed Robert Downey Jr's arms were very toned for the part but he was wearing heels and I thought they really “uglied him up” to make him look tougher but I was wrong, it was Sarah Jessica Parker.” Once he realized where he was, the horror slowly sank in. “It smelled like weak alcohol and the Bath & Body Works at the Galleria. I was scared because I could sense the self pity and the need for an actual penis as opposed to a plastic one…from the women and the men in there. I tried to get up and run but I tripped and fell in the aisle. When I looked up, it was like the last scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. One of those women took her top down and I felt my face start to melt like soft serve ice cream. I can’t believe that was rated R. It’s a snuff film and I’m suing all parties involved. I don’t even know if my girlfriend made it home last night because I crawled out of there with my eyes closed and staggered home. Honey if you made it home, call me.” Calls to Loewes theaters and Mark's girlfriend went unreturned.