Friday, February 15, 2008

Illiterate Man Was Teacher For 17 Years!
's upside down.

Palo Verde High School in California and Texas Western University in El Paso probably don't want you to read this. It's OK though because a man that both institutes issued diplomas to couldn't either. John Corcoran claims that not only did he get through both institutes without the ability to read but he earned a bachelor's degree in education and then went on to teach high school for 17 years!

"As a teacher it really made me sick to think that I was a teacher who couldn't read. It is embarrassing for me, and it's embarrassing for this nation and it's embarrassing for schools that we're failing to teach our children how to read, write and spell!"said the former educator. "Then I thought , screw it the money's good. I'll have these bastards driving into oncoming traffic if I can. Little having the ability to read bastards!" Corcoran said that not only did he teach for all those years but was granted a leave of absence to become a successful real estate developer. Corcoran said that he got by for years on oral lessons only and help from teachers aides. Former students Jim-Billy and Joe Jenkins claim they were none the wiser to their former teachers deception. "If you were to ask us if teacher was an intelligent man, we's been inclined to say yes. As far as readin' words and such I would say yes to that as well."said Jim-Billy with Joe adding, "If you was to ask us if we was brothers or kinda like a father and son deal then we's inclined to say yes to that too."

Jim-Billy and Joe Jenkins never suspected a thing.

"Now that there Corcoran may have been a lyin cheat but how's we supposed ta know?" exclaimed Jack Bob Willems, dean of admissions at TWU. "Do you guys think that Rachel Ray and the Emeril fella really cook all that stuff on TV? You eat it though don'tcha? Sanctimonious sons of bitches." The now functionally literate man seeks to help people as he is now a literacy advocate who's Corcoran Foundation helps thousands of people learn to read through grants, special literacy programs and tutoring for all ages. He is also a highly sought after public speaker who has given lectures across the country and in Canada. "Bill Gates flunked out of college and he's a billionaire but until I was 48, I would have eaten it in a 5th grade spelling bee and I'm rich now too. Top that Gates!" laughed Corcoran as he fanned himself with one hundred dollar bills.

The Chairman Of The Corcoran Foundation

Thursday, February 14, 2008

"I Got Your Back, Dawg!", Romney Endorses McCain

"Now we gotta get rid of the cankle-y chick and the black guy!"

Citing that he is doing it "in the interests of healing", Mitt Romney has pledged to endorse Senator John McCain for the GOP presidential nomination. "I am honored today to give my full support to Sen. McCain's candidacy for the presidency of the United States," said Romney adding, "This is a man capable of leading our country in this dangerous hour. Not just against terrorists or uppity colored people who think they can run a country but also Mike Huckabee. Threatening to slap me? He's out of his f--king mind!"

According to sources in both the Romney and McCain camps, it was a Romney campaign advisor that suggested a union with McCain. It was done in hopes that the former Massachusetts governor would sway his delegates to rally behind McCain's candidacy. A Republican analyst in the know stated "Look, we know he's not the best we have but that sack of Geritol is all that stands in the way of womens pantsuits in the oval office or Flo-Rida singing at the inauguration. I mean...Jesus."

Romney had collected 286 delegates before he suspended his campaign two weeks ago. Those delegates would give McCain 1,113 total delegates, 78 short of securing the nomination. Republicans are now worried that the longer Mike Huckabee lingers, the tougher it will be for McCain to rally support. There are "still a lot of Republicans around this country who have yet to vote, many of them who feel like their voices still ... [need] to be heard." Huckabee said. "I owe it the people who got me here. And besides me and Chuck ain't goin' nowhere! I ain't hard to find McCain! You and pompadour come see me...bitches!" Huckabee then motioned as if he were going to slap the reporter. Promptly ending the interview.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Breaking News: Clemens Hires New Attorneys

Blake & Simpson "What's Evidence?"

Seeing the writing on the wall and the failure of Rusty_Hardin looming on the horizon, Roger Clemens is in talks to drop his legal team to hook up with the newly minted law firm of Blake & Simpson. The team has history of getting the hopelessly guilty inexplicably exonerated. "What is "evidence" exactly?" said Bob Blake one half of the dynamic legal duo. "I mean, a gun with prints? People seeing you leave the scene of the crime and then going back to retrieve your gun? Sweating like a priest at a Cub Scout meeting when the cops take you in for questioning? All circumstantial. This will be easy."

"I got your f--kin' retainer right here, Rusty!"

With allegedly damning testimony from "best friend" Andy Petitte and former teamate Chuck Knoblauch as well as possible DNA evidence, it looked like the Rocket would have to come clean and admit to using illegal steroids in front of a House Senate committe but not so says litigator Simpson. "DNA is kind of overrated. If your blood is on something does that mean it came from you? Flesh under your finger nails? Come on, man!This case is weak. He'll be home in time for spring training." The famous attorney then discussed how Clemens needs to look for the "real steroid abuser" and how he could possibly dedicate the rest of his life to doing so.

"I'm glad Roger has decided to go in a different direction," said Debra Clemens, the hurlers wife. "It has been a strain on the entire family. All of this unwarranted speculation mentally drains wears you down." The dainty mother of four then went on to say how she is withering away to nothing and how her husband worries about her diminishing appearance every night.

Debra Clemens: Getting smaller every day.

The team is set to begin defending the Texas fire-baller immediately.
We Interrupt This Fake News To Bring You...

Hi ladies and gentlemen. My name is Mike Huckabee I purchased this time on Help Me Jebus! to remind you all that I'm running for the Republican Party's nomination for the Presidency of The United States. You might be saying right now: "Who's this guy?" "Why should I listen to him?" "Doesn't he regularly finish second to John McCain?" Well you should listen to me and yes I do constantly finish second but I have alot to offer. For example:
  • I'm not as old as John McCain. I mean are you serious? His liver spots have liver spots. Who's gonna pay for the installation of ramps for the Rascal scooter and rails for his motorized lifting chair? You, the tax payer that's who! State of the Union Address has to be put on hold because "ol' prunes for breakfast" dropped a diaper bomb? Yuck.
  • Minority relations? I may not be Barack Obama but I know all about black people. Sanford and Son, What's Happening!!, The Jeffersons, Good Times you think I'm watching them on BET and TVOne in reruns? I saw them first run in the 70's when you people didn't have your UPN's and WB's. I'm old school homey!
  • I'm not a lesbian with a beard of a husband that chases the chubby. Dude, come on she was gross!
  • I know God. Not Allah or Vishnu or Golobutron or whatever the hell the Scientologists call him but G-O-D! The big guy. Do I recognize the existence of those other "religions" or their deities? No. Am I worried I offended potential voters? Not really. I don't have a weird "religion" like Romney. Where's "Mitty" now? Done. Why? God don't like weirdos.

and finally but most importantly

  • I know Chuck Norris and we have a plan. If I receive this party's nomination we will slap the dog mess out of anyone who opposes us. Iran? Pla-dow! Osama Bin Laden? "Uh hello. Yeah, this is Mike Huckabee you commited an act of terrorism in my country seven years ago? Yeah, ring a bell?...KA-KOW!" Five across the eye!

What you are reading right now was actually written days ago. Chuck and myself have already taken to the streets of the inner cities of America and we are slapping the bejesus out of drug dealers, pimps, muggers, Mormons and other unsavory characters. If you're doing wrong, as there is a Lord in the sky and oxygen in our lungs, Mr. Norris and myslef will slap the steaming dog mess out of you. I promise you, I will wear my hand out on the face of injustice.

Me showing exactly how I will "slap the dog mess" out of people.

Don't you want a country that doesn't live in fear of terroism? Don't you want a president with a friend who's a black belt and has a beard that makes a man piss his pants? A friend with hands like granite that will dole out slap justice like Rick James on a bender? That's not John McCain, that's me. I'm Mike Huckabee and I will slap the dog mess out of you.

Vote Huckabee.

Thank you, Help Me Jebus.

This message has been approved by Chuck Norris.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Not So "Hottie"

Why pay for it when you've seen it for free? That must have been the rationale behind the publics' decision to stay away from the celluloid Hiroshima known as The Hottie and the Nottie starring Paris Hilton. Movie goers having seen her slightly more talented vagina gratis on the net, decided against paying to see a film where she is clothed and attempting to put sentences together. With an estimated $25,000 weekend take, the film made Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show: 30 Days & 30 Nights look like a Star Wars opening and that one only took in a little more than $500,000.

"I only saw half of it and I felt my womb go barren."

"I think that clip on Youtube with the two chicks fighting at school recess was seen by more people," said box office analyst Artie Manfre, adding "I just checked the site. Not only that clip but some fat kid making hand shadows has got it beat by a mile!" A momentary wave of common sense is believed to be the culprit in this opening weekend no show. A man who asked to be called "Not The Director" said "I watched a colonoscopy in film school once, it was riveting in comparison to this!" He then went on to say " I tried my best with this receptacle but whenever I said "action", she tilted her head to the side like a confused puppy and then slowly spread her legs."

The studios haven't been deterred by this showing and have optioned the celebrity protein collector for three more films. Sources say a remake of the Morgan Freeman/Dustin Hoffman germ paranoia film Outbreak, Legs Wide Open, a sequel to the Tom Cruise film and The Hottie And The Nottie 2: Not Harder are in the developmental stages as of this writing.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Drug Users Are...Winners!

"Just say yes, mum! Just say YES!"

Former First Lady Nancy Reagan can chug a big glass of "shut the hell up", as her "Just Say No" anti-drug message of the 80's was rendered useless courtesy of Amy Winehouse. The perenially addled song bird stumbled off with 5 Grammy Awards and the adulation of millions, giving the slogan the relevancy of Wendy's old "Where's The Beef?" campaign. It also proved that drug dealers aren't really that bad and in fact actually provide a creative boost to the entertainment industry as the corpses of Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix, can attest to.

Winehouse who was seen smoking crack just a month ago, shocked all the naysayers as she won all the major categories except Album Of The Year which was won by Herbie Hancock whose album was heard by the voters and his immediate family. "We were shocked when her name was called all those times," said Amy's mother Janice. "I'm so proud of her for not puking and scratching herself bloody on camera." The win truly shows what you can achieve by overcoming absolutely nothing and people will accept your drug problem as long as it's combined with an ability to earn money. When speaking on his company's aborted attempt to drop her because of her "problem", Nick Gatfield, president of Island Records stated "It’s a reflection of her status [in the US] that when you flick through the TV coverage [of the Grammys] it’s her image they use." then adding "You think I was gonna take the L and dead that cash cow? You're out of your mind. Out of your f--kin' mind!"

When did this shit come out?

It wasn't all crackpipes and cotton candy for the UK warbler as her victory was met with some criticism. Former LSD, heroin and crack addict Natalie Cole stated that Winehouse's victory sent a "cake and eat it too" message to young performers even though she herself accepted a Grammy in 1975 while riding the white horse. This moment of pot meet kettle was rendered even more surreal by the fact that her young son almost drowned in her family pool while Cole and her late husband the Rev. Marvin Yancy indulged in a drug-fueled binge.

No. No. No.