Friday, April 25, 2008

Blade IV: Don't Drop The Soap, Snipes Gets 3 Years For Tax Evasion

Uh, more finger Wes.

Hours before he was to be sentenced last Thursday for failing to file income taxes, Wesley Snipes cut the federal government three checks for $5 million and delivered them in court, according to reports. It meant about as much to the courts as a new Janet Jackson album means to anyone with taste in music because the IRS took the money and sentenced the star of Passenger 57 , White Men Can't Jump and the Blade series to 3 years in jail.

Snipes' $15 million payment took prosecutors by surprise. They initially declined to accept the cash, then had changed their mind by day's end. "I find it ironic and insulting that these Hollywood types think they can buy their way out of jail time." said a still stunned agent. "And this guy's black to boot. "Hello", you're rich but you're still a black guy right? This isn't being recorded is it?"

Reading from a prepared apology, Snipes told the court that he made "costly mistakes" like his last 5 direct-to-video films. And that he was the victim of crooked advisers, a liability of wealth and celebrity that attracts "wolves, jackals and "chicks that would never f-ck me if was a regular schmoe like you guys." His lawyer then asked if he was going to "real" jail or "Paris Hilton" jail.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

No Rice For You! Well...sorta

Coming to a museum near you: RICE!

Worldwide fears of food shortages have forced wholesale warehouse chains like Sam's Club and Costco as well as Walmart to clamp down on the sale of rice at many of their U.S. locations. Starting today, customers are only allowed to purchase four 20lb bags of rice per store visit. When news that only 80lbs of rice was available per customer it sent shockwaves of fear through consumers countrywide. "It's just me and two cats." said Amy Humbucker of Topeka, Kansas. "What the hell do I do with 80 lbs of rice from one weekly visit? We may not make it. We are truly at the end of days!"

"I swear to Jesus Christ, I will blast a fool!"

If the shortage does hit, mass hysteria is becoming a growing concern for rice farmers everywhere. Fears of panicked consumers possibly rioting and looting for food has sounded an alarm. Legendary long-grain baron and owner of the largest rice-producing facilities in the country Uncle Ben, said he expects the worst but doesn't fear it as he has been stock piling firearms at his plants for the last ten years. "Lord knows I been waitin' for this day." said the ageless symbol of rice consumption. "Bastards had me picking this crap for free once. Now I run this! You want rice, it goes through my hands first! He then angrily proclaimed "King Kong ain't got shit on me! I will blast a fool if he tries to take my rice without paying for it!"

Keke Ndudi (left): All smiles moments before we told him of our nation's plight which lead to threats of violence.

Jebus foreign correspondant Artie Knigge, brought word of our dilemma to a village in West Africa to gauge a response. When hit with news of this, youngster Keke Ndudi responded "Only 80lbs of rice per family per store visit? Really? And hot and cold running water and cholera is almost unheard of huh?" He then looked around quizzically and asked "When does Ashton Kutcher jump out and tell me this is a joke? I swear to god I'm probably going to kill you all. Seriously."

Rocky The Bear Kills Trainer, Tells Police "Hey, I'm A F-cking Bear!"

Rocky on the set of his latest film: Babysitter Bear co-starring Dakota Fanning.

Once again it has happened. When will human beings learn that we can not trust animals? No matter how much you train them, they will always have the propensity to revert to acting like...ANIMALS! Yesterday Rocky the Bear, co-star of such films as Gladiator, The Last Samurai and most recently the Will Ferrell yukfest Semi-Pro threw his ability to control his primal urges to the wind and murdered his trainer Stephen Miller, in cold blood. As he was being led away caged and shackled he uttered: "Dude, I'm a bear! I'm a f-cking bear!"

"He wasn't seeing the money." said F. Bear

Sources say that the 5 year-old, carnivorous grizzly was going through with a daily training exercise when it seems he playfully licked Miller's face before inexplicably clamping his mighty jaws down on his neck as others looked on in horror. Onlooker Rusty Cambridge said: "I've never seen anything like that. I mean, do bears eat people? Where is that written? Oh my god." While many see it as a beast reverting back to its nature, others say that over the past few months trainer and bear have had a strained relationship at best. "He wasn't seeing any real money." said his best friend who asked to be identified only as F. Bear. "Bottom line, you're doing movies with Crowe, Tom Cruise and Will Ferrell you expect to see some serious scratch. Nothing, man. Dude was having salmon thrown at him from a f-cking bucket and still wiping his ass with leaves. He was in an Oscar nominated film for Christ's sake! You get to a point where you're like: "OK, hey where's my money man? Maybe I should rip your f-cking face off one day?" That's why me and the frog don't talk, you know?"

Rusty's dad warns paparazzi to stay away or he'll "rip their throats out."

Others close to the situation claim it was not characteristic of the lovable bear to act like...a bear. Rusty's father had this to say "We told him, stay here! Stay in the woods! His mother and I tried. Lord knows we did. You couldn't tell him anything though because he always had those bright lights in his eyes." Visibly saddened, the bear who raised him added "Once he got out there though, he had access to drugs. More booze than a college student. And the white women...always the white women. Sometimes you call his cell for days on end and a different tramp would answer all giggly and saying he was "asleep" and we'd have to call back...We love you son!"

Rusty now awaits a decision from animal authorities who are contemplating euthenizing him.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

"Do You Smell What Barack Is Cookin'?" No, Seriously He Said That...

Come November this WILL be settled in a cage!

When you want to get your point across to voters everywhere and appeal to their sensibilities, you know where presidential candidates go? The O’Reilly Factor? Uh...maybe if you wanted to speak to a couple million people who almost definitely will vote. Larry King Live? If you're plugging a book and can stand the smell of formaldehyde, sure. When the Republican nominee and the final two Democrats slugging it out for a spot want to reach the people who are the decision makers in this country, they take it to WWE Monday Night Raw!

WWE Diva Chesty McTits: Healthcare and gun control are on her mind.

On this week's telecast from Greenville, South Carolina Douche-publican nominee John McCain and Democratic side by side runners Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama took their case to the fans of professional wrestling via taped promos to implore them to make the right decision come November. It started with the former first lady talking about health care and how no one has ever been able to break out of her patented emasculating, "cankle-lock submission" as her husband could attest to. Next was the charismatic Obama who asked the audience if they could "Smell what Barack was cookin'?" When asked exactly what he was "cookin'" the canididate said"...uh...change?" and quickly changed the subject to his favorite ethnic stereotype wrestlers Dead Beat Daddy and Angry Suspicious Korean Grocery Store Owner. The loudest applause of the evening however went to McCain who simply said "Hey...white guy...crotch ripping guy? Come on America! I mean, are you f-cking serious?" He then rolled out his valet Chesty McTits who said she would be voting for McCain because he was "nice and stuff" and that she would be at the polls in her thong to drum up support.

"Jo" Fuffner says: "Election 'o8? Hell yeah, mother f-cker!"

Longtime WWE fan Jonas Fuffner who was in attendance said "I think it was a great idea for all of them to come on here and tell us fans what for. I don't really much care for the forward speaking woman 'cause she obviously don't know her place but it took alot of courage for the black guy to get up there and speak. They've had alot of trouble over the years. Shoot, my grandparents even had a guys that is. Not so much trouble 'cause we ain't never left South Carolina." When the tape was viewed by a political pundit in the know, he responded "A black man and a woman on a show that's inherrantly racist and sexist being broadcast from the south? is real huh?"