Saturday, January 05, 2008

Britney Spears Released From Hospital, Media Still Wringing Its Hands At The Prospect Of Her Suicide

Almost had her that time, guys!

Early Friday morning fallen pop idol, Britney Spears was admitted to Cedars Sinai Hospital after a standoff with police in which her children were removed from her custody. She is expected to lose visitation rights and was on suicide watch until this afternoon when she was released. This disappointed many media outlets as this is what they have been pushing for since she started unraveling two years ago.

Levin's recent driver's license photo
Dalai Lama of Douchebags, Harvey Levin of noted: "We could only call her a fat, has-been drug addict so many times. We moistened our underwear when she embarrassed herself at the MTV VMA's. We even laughed and pointed as we encroached on her personal space to the point that she almost dropped her child but she still had a little fight left in her. Hopefully, this will be the one that does it. We have ad space to sell." Ex-husband, Kevin Federline seemed concerned as well as he was spotted at a Maybach dealership with his two sons in shirts that read "$Cha" on one and "-Ching!$" on the other. "This is sad, yo." lamented the back up dancer turned professional "baby daddy" "I'ma get money if know..."go" right? For the kids though. Know what I'm sayin'?"

Other outlets such as Access Hollywood and ET are working overtime by having their anchors practice somber facial expressions for the camera and trying to squeez at least one drop of liquid out of their Botox impacted tear ducts. One gossip show even went so far as to dig up the guy who played that sad piano song at the end of old "The Incredible Hulk "episodes because as one soul raping network exec put it: "It's real cry in your dinner type shit."

Thankfully, sleeping at night has never been an issue for any of the media outlets involved.
Scammah Montana Mom Apologizes

Evil plucks its eyebrows

Human oil spill, Priscilla Ceballos spoke to the Today Show via-satelite yesterday in an attempt to redeem herself for the minor infraction of claiming her husband died in Iraq so that she and her 6 year-old daughter could "realize her dream" and win Hannah Montana tickets. The teen pop sensation whose singing voice requires more special effects than a Star Wars movie, is played by Miley Cyrus and is the hottest ticket in the country. The plot was uncovered by Libby Lu fanclub after a background check on Ceballos' winning essay revealed that her husband was alive and well. The tickets were quickly revoked by the club.

In a heart wrenching letter allegedly "written" by the child it claimed: "My daddy died in Iraq..." and went on to say that the child dreamt of winning the tickets. When first reached for comment, Ceballos showed compassion in stating: "The contest rules never stated if the story had to be non-fiction." She quickly changed her tune when she was reminded that THOUSANDS OF OTHER CHILDRENS REAL DADDIES AND MOMMIES had been lost in the senseless and overlong, brown people blood orgy in the middle east.

During the interview she apologized to the families of soldiers fighting abroad but still said "Hey...I only wanted tickets. I mean come on...COME ON!" What was hard to ignore was the crawl underneath her which placed the blame squarely on her demon child and claimed Ceballos was there to "defend" her. Thank blonde-highlighted Jesus, that the Today show ensured we knew who drove this woman to such debauchery.

Friday, January 04, 2008

IoWOW!: History Making Win For Obama, God Gives Huck A Hand

Barack Obama made history last night in winning the Iowa Caucus and emerging as the frontrunner for the Democratic Party nomination by outdistancing John Edwards and eclipsing Hillary Clinton. What makes this feet truly historic is the Illinois senator won in a state that boasts a 92% white voting populace. The landmark outcome has left many political observers speculative as to who the other 8% consisted of as it is well known that Iowans have only seen black people in history books and on television. One such voter stated: "I think people have this misconception of Iowans as being unhip. We knew who Obama was and we've seen black people before. I stare Mrs. Butterworth in the face every morning and she ain't white...right?"

Also faring well, Mike "Holy" Huckabee whose "Jesus Is My Homeboy"-style campaign led to him edging out Mitt Romney to the tune of 35% voter support to Romney's 25%. Analysts say the Huckster was able to wrangle the state's "evangelical" vote. It should be noted that he was also able to obtain the elusive Chuck Norris vote. The Huck & Chuck ticket looks like one that's going to be tough to beat with one pundit noting: "Oprah's got big Hollywood names and a mint at her disposal but Norris has a beard that would make the Brawny Paper Towel Guy giggle like a school girl. I can't see her getting up from a roundhouse by this guy either. Can you?"

Hollywood undead, Fred Thompson only garnered 13% of the vote but is not giving up the ship just yet even as Chris Dodd and Joe Biden bow out gracefully. "These votes mean exactly what?" questioned Thompson. "13 percent my ass, is my wife still hot?" said the lovable curmudgeon. 9/11 milker Rudy Giuliani, skipped Iowa and is said to be focusing on New Hampshire next week and Florida down the road. Giuliani '08 campaign manager Satan had this to say: "Iowa was my bad. I wasn't really focused. I was so busy with Cage and the chipmunks. Alot of my peeps called in favors over the holidays so I couldn't give it the right attention. We'll see what's up in NH next week though, bitches! We'll be ready! Come on, pound it homie!"

Politics...entertainment...the man has his hand in EVERYTHING!

Clemens says: B12 Injections NOT Steroids Made Him Bat Throwing Maniac

Read My Lips: "Get me mad enough and I swear to God I'll eat a baby!"

In his continuing quest to clear his good name, Roger Clemens is taking to the airwaves this Sunday in an exclusive interview with 60 Minutes. Mike Wallace a tough as nails interviewer who once had the temerity to ask Michael Jordan what his favorite color was, pulls no punches in this unflinching Q&A session. The Yankee fireballer states that the Mitchell Report was erroneous in reporting that he took steroids such as Winstrol and HGH during his stellar carreer.

Clemens, a seven time MLB all-star and multiple Cy Young winner says that Brian McNamee may have given him B12 shots and lidocane but never any performance enhancing drugs. When asked to explain his tree trunk-like neck and extreme moodswings the Texas hurler gets right to the point. "Let me be clear -- the answer is no, I did not use steroids, human growth hormone, and I've never done so," he proclaimed passionately. "In fact when I threw that jagged piece of wood at Mike Piazza in 2000, I was reacting to rumors that he was a vampire. In case you didn't know, if he bites someone else they'll become one too. I had no Holy Water at the time and teammates to think of so I figured I'd stake that sonuva bitch before he infected anyone. I mean Christ man, don't you guys watch movies?" Clemens then inexplicably chokes Wallace for a full two minutes before being restrained by his lawyer.

Upon hearing the pitcher's claims Richard D. Emery, McNamee's lawyer said "Brian has a Masters Degree in sports medicine he knows the difference between Vitamin B12, lidocane and performance enhancing drugs. He also knows that he had use a diamond tipped drill assisted syringe to penetrate the layers of cadaver juice enhanced muscle on that man's ass just to get one cc of liquid in him." The two plan to sue Clemens if he says on "60 Minutes" that McNamee was lying when he said he injected him with performance-enhancing drugs. "He's got a chance to protect himself," Emery said to the New York Times. "We're not going to sue him if he doesn't do it. But if he does it, we're going to sue him...from as far away as possible though, because that juice monkey can hurl a marshmallow through a brick wall"

Judge for yourself this weekend.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Japanese Horror, A One-Trick Pony? I Don't Think So!

You've all seen (Ju-on) The Grudge? The Ring and Dark Water? Have you noticed a trend folks? That's right , precognition of your own death and chalky-skinned, Japanese mutes are absolutely terrifying and Hollywood thinks you want more! This Friday with the premiere of One Missed Call, we revisit that tried and true far eastern addage of "Surprise! You're dead!"

The film stars one time A-list actor/director Edward Burns as a detective on the case of some mysterious deaths. What's so mysterious about these deaths, you ask? In a move that's sure to rattle the cages of the folks over at Jamster, when your cell phone rings in a ringtone that you don't remember downloading, if you answer it you hear your death then...wait for DIE! As I viewed the trailer last month, the originality of the plot left a chesire cat-like grin on my face and more than made up for the pedestrian American Gangster that I was about to sit through.

I say kudos to the studio execs that continually back projects such as this. It's a true statement on their opinion of the average movie goers intelligence. Next up is Calendar, a remake of another overseas terror-fest in which the owners of a mysterious Japanese calendar all have a date that magically circles itself. Once you see that date you ovulate (even the men!), then you DIE!

Academy are you listening?
FOX Greenlights Juno Sequel

In what can surely be attributed to surprising box-office success and mouth breathing adulation, FOX Searchlight has decided to re-up with Juno creator Diablo Cody and move forward with a sequel to the critical darling of the holiday season. The first film dealt with the titular character played by Ellen Page, an endless stream of pop culture references, her teen pregnancy and her life altering decision to give the baby up for adoption. With an eye smartly trained on the imminent Jamie Lynn Spears inspired teen pregnancy boom, the studio and Cody have agreed to give an adoring public more adventures of the 16 year-old with the pre-menopausal wit in the film Juno 2: Now I'm Dating A Black Guy.

The post partum teen with the nauseatingly accomodating parents embarks on a new journey as she trades "Superbad" for "Supafly". A male lead hasn't been cast yet but when hit with the news about a sequel by one of our on the scene reporters, co-star Michael Cera had this to say: "Dude seriously, I'm not the Superbad guy. He works in home theater." He then angrily added "This is household appliances. I'm really busy today, cut it out." We were then asked to leave the Best Buy immediately as the "star" watched from behind burly mall security guards.

Cera shouldn't have to worry long though as the studio announced it's plans to continue the trend of implausible romantic comedies with plots cultivated from the minds of developmentally challenged frat boy/sci-fi doofuses and female, coffee house hippies complete with ironic horn rimmed glasses and New York Dolls retro tee-shirt. Production is set to begin on "Who Wants A Blonde When A Homely Chick That Makes You Laugh Is Readily Available?" starring Hayden Christensen, America Ferrara, Kate Bosworth and McLovin as the wacky sidekick with a penchant for underage runaways and crystal meth. Summer will also see the release of "Harrassment, Schmassment! Blow Your Boss!" which will star Cera, The Loud, Fat Guy From Superbad, Seth Rogen and a bevy of women that wouldn't screw them in real life if they could piss the cure for cancer.

Hollywood magic, people!

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Roy Jones Junior Admits To Raising Fighting Chickens, Animal-Rights Activists DON'T CARE!

In a recent interview, boxing great Roy Jones, Jr. alarmed animal rights activists everywhere when he stated he lets the dogs on the farm that he raises CHICKENS FOR FIGHTING at "go at it a little." Concerned observers stated that "This is how dogs are trained for fighting." Jones said that sometimes he lets the dogs go "a half hour or so" then he breaks them up for fear of them really getting hurt. "Dogs don't need a half hour to fight." said another animal lover "This is how it is determined whether or not the dog has the stamina or make-up for fighting." Jones, an O.G. in the animal fighting game stated in a 2003 interview in Esquire magazine: "I give my roosters the best of food. I give them the best of care. I give them everything they want before I ask them to sacrifice. Get a rooster comfortable and he’ll fight his ass off."

News of Jones comments have been met with little or no fanfare. No chicken activists were available for comment but when an actual chicken was asked it said: "Sheezus man, the football guy gets almost two years for dog fighting and the media crucifies him. This guy raises my kind to be mutilated by the razors they attach to our legs and it gets all the attention of a missing black child." The chicken then twitched it's head several times and continued to eat bugs and it's own waste off the floor.

"A travesty...a true injustice!" said Chicken (l)

Let's be honest people, dogs are much cuter than chickens and by gosh, it's harder to fit two of those legs in that little box with a buttermilk biscuit.
Nickelodeon says "Pregnant wha..?", Brings Back Zoey 101

"Oh my god, like baby juice makes my tummy big!"

In a move that's sure to get a thumbs up from fans of barely legal fornication (yes, YOU R. Kelly!), Nickelodeon says all systems are go on the fourth season of 'tween angst fest, Zoey 101 and it will start this Friday with the premiere of the telefilm "Goodbye Zoey". The show which is the most watched show by kids 9-14 is a ratings and merchandising behemoth. When asked about star Jamie Lynn Spears pregnancy and how it would effect the show, a network rep said: "With season 4 already filmed, her "condition" will not interfere with the show. Besides my youngest needs braces and has scoliosis and my oldest daughter starts college next September. This Cheez Whiz suckin', trailer-park trampoline is gonna flip that bill." He then stated "Did I just think that or say that?"

In related news, McDonalds in a shrewd and unprecedented move will debut its Zoey meal to mark the series return. The Jamie Lynn Jam Pack will contain a hamburger, small fries, a soft drink and either the book: Rainbows, Myspace and Morning Sickness: A Guide To Teen Pregnancy or a RAPE WHISTLE to keep those 19 year olds out of your 15 year old daughter's My Little Pony Underoos.

I'm Lovin' It!
National Treasure Tops Box Office For A Second Straight Week, Satan says: "Told You So!"

For the second week in a row, the Nicolas Cage actioner National Treasure: Book of Secrets topped the box office with a whopping take of $35.6M giving it a twelve day total of $124M. When asked for comment the Lord of Darkness as friends are prone to call him leaned back, sighed and uttered "Yeah...all me!" Also of note, the Alvin and the Chipmunks juggernaut continued to chug along with a $30M weekend and a $145M total in receipts. "I wish I could take credit for that one but...nah just kidding, that's me too! I'm starting the year out right! Come on dawg, POUND IT!" said the lovable fallen angel as he motioned for a fist dap.

In a recent interview with HMJ Nicolas Cage stated "In 26 years in the BUSINESS I finally figured out that while the viewing public loves a COMPETANT SCRIPT and first rate ACTING, they'll pay an ASSLOAD OF MONEY to hear me raise and lower MY VOICE FOR NO APPARENT REASON!" In an impromptu poll held outside of a recent screening of the Disney opus, a filmgoer on the condition of anonimity stated he loved the film and that it was: "More gooder than the first one because it showed where the presidents keep all the treasure and stuff." Another observer stated that while he liked it, the Area 51 part bothered him a bit because "secret caverns under famous landmarks are believeable but it stretches the imagination when you start saying God made aliens. I mean come on, right?"

National Treasure 3, please?

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

The Oprah Effect: Like Whiskey With A Labotomy Chaser

As we creep closer to the Iowa Caucus, we've decided to take a look at just what Oprah's backing has done for the Obama ticket. In an interview with ABC News last month, Lord Winfrey proclaimed: “Well obviously, Obama’s great because I’m believing that the person that I’m speaking up for is gonna take it all the way,” Also adding. “And then if that doesn’t happen, I might readjust my thinking.” The question is: Does her stamp of approval "readjust" the voters thinking? HMJ set out to find some answers.

In a Jebus poll conducted by an independant firm, a select group of voters were asked: "What does the Oprah/Obama double fisted initiative mean to your vote?" A small gathering outside of William-Brice Center in South Carolina was eager to answer. One middle-aged, housewife and Winfrey minion said: "I'm sick and tired of people thinking I'm gonna vote for him just because The All Knowing said I should. I have a mind of my own! This Oprah's Bookclub pamphlet has all the objective information I'll need before I make that choice!" A young Obama supporter interjected: "This isn't the "olden times" when people listened to those that knew more than them. I wanna hear from people that make more than me. Rhodes Scholars don't have their own's frickin' Oprah, man!" The rest of the the group simply said: "Nuuuuurrrgggghhhh!" pointed at a picture of Winfrey and then savagely tore open the skull of an unlucky passerby and proceeded to feast on the warm, gooey brain juice.

"Where does the line start?"
In conclusion, we here at HMJ have learned that while experience and a comprehensive understanding of issues such as foreign policy and healthcare may motivate some to go with a candidate, there's nothing like listening to rich, famous people who smile at you. I get down on my knees everyday and thank my blue-eyed, foreigner ass-kicking God that I live in a country where this line of thinking can shape our political infrastructure. American God bless us all!

Huckabee Hunts, Fudd Fumes

Former Arkansas Governor and current presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee set off a firestorm of criticism with his hunting photo-op over the Christmas holiday. The biggest raspberry from the peanut gallery may come from one Elmer J. Fudd, hunting enthusiast cum political talking head. We sat down with Fudd after he expressed concern over what he calls "distuwbing images" and "mixed powitical messages".

Help Me Jebus: Initially what was your reaction to the former governors picture?

Elmer Fudd: Initiawy I thought: "Oh, a mouth bweather standing in the marsh with a gun and a funny wookin' hat, where have I seen that before?"

HMJ: So are you saying that in attempt to sway voters with a bit of nostalgia, Huckabee has infringed on your likeness?

EF: I weawy can't say much on the advice of my attowneys but we are wookin' at a few things.

HMJ: Understandable. Now you say that he's sending mixed political messages. How do you back up this argument?

EF: I didn't care much for the Cwhistmas commercial and his mention of God because other than Santa, Wudolph and the Gwinch, God has no pwace in Cwhistmas! What is he saying? Go to church and vote for me? God wants you to have a Mewwy Cwhistmas? What about Geoffrey fwom Toys R' Us, doesn't he want you to have a good time too? Don't confuse the kids!

HMJ: OK but what about the hunting...

EF: Can I finish? Wet me speak pwease? The thing with the hunting is, it's a sham. A fwont. He's not weawy a hunter. What is he huntin' pheasant? Who shoots wittle birds that don't even have snappy retorts dewivered in a Bwooklyn accent? Wook at the gun, a wabbit that's not even worth his salt can easiwy stick a cork in there and then what? Boom! We are wookin' at a set of eyeballs over some chawcoal dust. And then where does that weave me? People waff and say: "Oh that Huckabee can take some buckshot in his gwill! Who needs Fudd?"

A lawyer then leans over and whispers into the hunters ear and he abruptly ends the interview.

EF: I'm sawy. I weawy can't say anymore at this time.

Calls to Huckabees camp went unreturned. We will have more on this story as it develops.