Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Monday, November 03, 2008

This Can't Happen In America... Ohio maybe, but NOT in America!!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Worldnet Daily Says: "God Doesn't Want Change"
God Says: "I Never Said That!"

A vote for Obama is a vote for eternal damnation says Janet Porter of conservative e-rag WorldNetDaily. According to a post that promises everything short of a plague of locusts and exploding genetalia, Porter says the good book has forseen the end of civilization with an Obama win.

Here is an excerpt:

To all those who name the name of Christ who plan to willfully disobey Him by voting for Obama, take warning. Not only is our nation in grave danger, according to the Word of God, so are you.

First, the facts on life: On July 17, 2007,
Barack Obama spoke to Planned Parenthood and said:
On this fundamental issue of [abortion rights], I will not yield and Planned Parenthood will not yield. ... The first thing I'll do as president is sign the Freedom of Choice Act. That's the first thing that I'd do. ...

And what is the "Freedom of Choice Act"? It would completely federalize the abortion issue and strike down all state laws from parental notification to the Woman's Right to Know Laws to bans on partial-birth abortion, declaring them null and void with the stroke of an Obama pen.

In one week, America will make a choice. And to those who call themselves "Christian" who are planning on voting for Barack Obama, put down the Obama talking points and read God's voter guide before you go to the polls:

I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live (Deuteronomy 30:19).

But you think this issue doesn't matter? God felt so strongly about it that he carved it in stone:

You shall not murder (Exodus 20:13).
Think you can
love God and still vote against life? In John 14:15, Jesus said:
If you love Me, keep My commandments.
Yes, and "Thou shall not murder" made the top 10.

(L) An artists inetrpretation of New York City shortly after an Obama win. (R) the "really scary stuff"

Porter goes on to rant about God making food taste bad and by his divinity forcing every radio station to play "the hip-hop" as she calls it, on an infinite basis. "How could God have let a bla...non-Christian get so far in a race for the most important seat in America?" lamented the card carrying McCainiac. "I think it was a test and now he's waiting to drop the big one on us. Famine, pestilence, interracial gay couples...people having to live within their means. It's coming...coming I tell you. And people wanna vote for this?..buncha stupid bastards."

When finally reached for comment, the almighty was livid. "When? When did I say this stuff and to who? And why? That country isn't even on the biggest continent in the world!" said the creator of pretty much everything. "Look, I got alot of things going on and I don't have time to be linked to every threat that humanity places against each other. What about Vishnu? He never said anything about damning anyone right? Buddha, Shiva and Gleep Glorp or whoever the f-ck Scientologists pray to love everyone right? ...tired of this shit!"

The Almighty: "Tired of this shit!"

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


“In these tough economic times, Americans should be more cautious with their money and shy away from frivolous spending.” This is advice that super-douche, Jet fan David Findel took a steaming dump on as he secured the rights to $400,000 seats on the 50 yard line at the new Meadowlands Stadium opening in 2010.

Findel raised the stakes when the auction got as high as 140K for the two seats. The 43 year old owner of a Mortgage Lending firm…(no really, that’s what he does. call it irony or whatever…), put in the winning bid of $200K per seat in a silent auction. He chose to not be silent upon winning as he called the others in the room “Poor bastards!” and said he would “wipe his ass with all the default notices from the firm…BAILOUT BITCHES!”

"Who me? I'm broke."

When told of Findel’s windfall well known pop culture moneybags and philanthropist Monopoly Guy , stated “He did wha…does this guy watch the news? Are you f-cking kidding me?”

Sunday, October 26, 2008

We Got Him, Ashley!

The "B" was for Bigfoot, beeyotch!

The plight of Ashley Todd, the McCain volunteer who cried “black guy” held the nation in a politically and racially charged chokehold for nearly 48 hours. Originally, the 20 year-old college student told Pittsburgh PD that she was accosted by a 6’4, 200 pound, African-American, card carrying Democrat who took umbrage at her support for John McCain and carved a symbolic “B” into her cheek to mark her as a “converted” Obama supporter. The story soon fell apart however, as Todd was unable to keep her stories straight and the search for a dyslexic left-wing nut was coming up short.

After several failed lie detector tests and consolatory calls from McCain and Palin as well as a statement from the Obama camp, she told the police that she had made up her black assailant and couldn’t remember much of the night. She was arrested and formerly charged with filing a false report.

Shortly after we received a startling phone call from the “real slasher” who wanted to come into our offices and speek exclusively to Help Me Jebus!

All he wants is his "props", he stated before he stormed out of the interview.

HMJ: Is there any reason why Todd was singled out?

BF: Other than the fact she was a slow runner? Look at that chick’s face.

HMJ: Did you want recognition and why thievery?

BF: First of all I didn’t steal anything. And secondly…I guess I was upset that people have forgotten about me. Sadaam’s dead. Nobody’s seen Bin Laden in 7 years but I’m still here, man. Shit, Google us and you’ll see both those guys are getting way more press than me. Why? I’m not dead. People swear they see me and take pictures all the time but I get nothing. I’m tired of it. Everybody’s getting a slice of the fame pie except “Ol’ Sassy”!

HMJ: Why the violent, backwards carving of the “B”

BF: Look man, I’m a Bigfoot! I crap in the woods and run from people with cameras, I never had time for schooling…I did the best I could. [he momentarily sobs but then quickly regains his composure] Let me ask you a question: “Who’s dumber the guy who can’t write letters so good or the dullard who mistakes me for a hairless, 6’4” black dude?” I’m at least 7 feet.

HMJ: Do you plan on turning yourself in?

BF: Nah man, screw that. I think I let the world know that I’m still here and people should be scared of me. I’ve been running for fifty years and they haven’t caught me yet! I’m not about to turn myself in! What up with that, Bin Laden?

HMJ: What upset you most about the coverage?

BF: The only thing that pisses me off is they tried to turn this into a political thing. I support neither party. They’ve never done anything for me or my kind and I don’t appreciate being a tool…I mean for either party because I’m so NOT a tool. And I hear Willie Horton had some shit to say too. Dude don't even try it, no one's heard from you in 20 years. That was my show!

Friday, June 06, 2008

No Country For Straight Men:
Man Accidentally Walks Into Sex And The City Screening

Last night seemed like any other night to Mark Henriquez of Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn. He went to the local Loewes Humongoplex Theater with his girlfriend to catch the eight o’clock showing of Iron Man but it wasn’t meant to be. Henriquez shares his harrowing account with HMJ.

“We were sitting there waiting for the movie to start but we were both hungry. I should have gotten the food on the way in but I wanted to get us good seats.” said Henriquez. The young man however decided to go for refreshments after the movie had started. After the initial shock of taking out a home equity loan for pop corn two hot dogs and a large diet soda, the disoriented New Yorker attempted to return to the theater to enjoy the food with his mate but that never happened.

Left to right: Kristin Davis, Sarah Jessica Parker and Cynthia Nixon (not pictured Kim Catrall's re-animated corpse.)

“I guess after wiping the tears from my eyes, I was a little confused. I walked into a theater and I sat down next to a girl who was dressed very similar to mine and just started eating and talking.” He added. “First thing I noticed was Jeff Bridges looked like shit but they kept calling him “Samantha”. I wasn’t aware of any character in Iron Man by that name and I figured they added him for the movie. Then I noticed Robert Downey Jr's arms were very toned for the part but he was wearing heels and I thought they really “uglied him up” to make him look tougher but I was wrong, it was Sarah Jessica Parker.” Once he realized where he was, the horror slowly sank in. “It smelled like weak alcohol and the Bath & Body Works at the Galleria. I was scared because I could sense the self pity and the need for an actual penis as opposed to a plastic one…from the women and the men in there. I tried to get up and run but I tripped and fell in the aisle. When I looked up, it was like the last scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. One of those women took her top down and I felt my face start to melt like soft serve ice cream. I can’t believe that was rated R. It’s a snuff film and I’m suing all parties involved. I don’t even know if my girlfriend made it home last night because I crawled out of there with my eyes closed and staggered home. Honey if you made it home, call me.” Calls to Loewes theaters and Mark's girlfriend went unreturned.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Stone Says China Earthquake Was “Karma”, Karma Furious

Basic In-stank 3: Hot Flashes

Last week on the red carpet at the Cannes Film Festival (where the most level headed and relevant sound bites are recorded), Sharon Stone said she was torn about whether or not to do something for the victims of the devastating earthquake in China. In the wake of thousands of deaths, the Mensa member and star of Basic Instinct and the cleverly titled Basic Instinct 2 said she didn’t like how the Chinese treated her good friend the Dalai Lama. She was then quoted as saying “Then all this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice, that the bad things happen to you?"

"OK, I'm confused. Keep my pants up and keep my mouth closed?"

Her comments set off a firestorm with China immediately condemning her for her words. Then she got it in the wallet as Christian Dior removed her as the face of their Chinese campaign and released a statement that when translated in English read: "We don't agree with her hasty, unreflecting remarks and we deeply regret them,". Also adding “Dior was one of the first international brands to enter China and has won the affection and respect of the consuming public. We absolutely do not support any remark that hurts the Chinese people's feelings. This chick took a co-starring role in Catwoman. I mean Catwoman, are you f-ckin’ kidding me? She's toast! We swear!”

Karma: "It's not my fault all the time!"

However it was the centuries old symbol of getting what’s good for you, Karma who had the harshest words for the 50 year old trampoline. “Why is my name mentioned when bad shit happens? I do good things too. I don’t need this has-been actor associating me with the deaths of upwards of 80,000 people!” It then went on to add “Maybe it was “Karma”? No your last five movies was that! You think Cold Creek Manor just appeared out of thin air? You wait bitch. Keep saying my name and you’ll be in a movie getting second billing to the fat kid from Goonies…and he’s not even fat anymore so no one will really care if you’re in the film! They’ll just want to see how much weight the fat kid lost…bitch.”

Friday, April 25, 2008

Blade IV: Don't Drop The Soap, Snipes Gets 3 Years For Tax Evasion

Uh, more finger Wes.

Hours before he was to be sentenced last Thursday for failing to file income taxes, Wesley Snipes cut the federal government three checks for $5 million and delivered them in court, according to reports. It meant about as much to the courts as a new Janet Jackson album means to anyone with taste in music because the IRS took the money and sentenced the star of Passenger 57 , White Men Can't Jump and the Blade series to 3 years in jail.

Snipes' $15 million payment took prosecutors by surprise. They initially declined to accept the cash, then had changed their mind by day's end. "I find it ironic and insulting that these Hollywood types think they can buy their way out of jail time." said a still stunned agent. "And this guy's black to boot. "Hello", you're rich but you're still a black guy right? This isn't being recorded is it?"

Reading from a prepared apology, Snipes told the court that he made "costly mistakes" like his last 5 direct-to-video films. And that he was the victim of crooked advisers, a liability of wealth and celebrity that attracts "wolves, jackals and "chicks that would never f-ck me if was a regular schmoe like you guys." His lawyer then asked if he was going to "real" jail or "Paris Hilton" jail.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

No Rice For You! Well...sorta

Coming to a museum near you: RICE!

Worldwide fears of food shortages have forced wholesale warehouse chains like Sam's Club and Costco as well as Walmart to clamp down on the sale of rice at many of their U.S. locations. Starting today, customers are only allowed to purchase four 20lb bags of rice per store visit. When news that only 80lbs of rice was available per customer it sent shockwaves of fear through consumers countrywide. "It's just me and two cats." said Amy Humbucker of Topeka, Kansas. "What the hell do I do with 80 lbs of rice from one weekly visit? We may not make it. We are truly at the end of days!"

"I swear to Jesus Christ, I will blast a fool!"

If the shortage does hit, mass hysteria is becoming a growing concern for rice farmers everywhere. Fears of panicked consumers possibly rioting and looting for food has sounded an alarm. Legendary long-grain baron and owner of the largest rice-producing facilities in the country Uncle Ben, said he expects the worst but doesn't fear it as he has been stock piling firearms at his plants for the last ten years. "Lord knows I been waitin' for this day." said the ageless symbol of rice consumption. "Bastards had me picking this crap for free once. Now I run this! You want rice, it goes through my hands first! He then angrily proclaimed "King Kong ain't got shit on me! I will blast a fool if he tries to take my rice without paying for it!"

Keke Ndudi (left): All smiles moments before we told him of our nation's plight which lead to threats of violence.

Jebus foreign correspondant Artie Knigge, brought word of our dilemma to a village in West Africa to gauge a response. When hit with news of this, youngster Keke Ndudi responded "Only 80lbs of rice per family per store visit? Really? And hot and cold running water and cholera is almost unheard of huh?" He then looked around quizzically and asked "When does Ashton Kutcher jump out and tell me this is a joke? I swear to god I'm probably going to kill you all. Seriously."

Rocky The Bear Kills Trainer, Tells Police "Hey, I'm A F-cking Bear!"

Rocky on the set of his latest film: Babysitter Bear co-starring Dakota Fanning.

Once again it has happened. When will human beings learn that we can not trust animals? No matter how much you train them, they will always have the propensity to revert to acting like...ANIMALS! Yesterday Rocky the Bear, co-star of such films as Gladiator, The Last Samurai and most recently the Will Ferrell yukfest Semi-Pro threw his ability to control his primal urges to the wind and murdered his trainer Stephen Miller, in cold blood. As he was being led away caged and shackled he uttered: "Dude, I'm a bear! I'm a f-cking bear!"

"He wasn't seeing the money." said F. Bear

Sources say that the 5 year-old, carnivorous grizzly was going through with a daily training exercise when it seems he playfully licked Miller's face before inexplicably clamping his mighty jaws down on his neck as others looked on in horror. Onlooker Rusty Cambridge said: "I've never seen anything like that. I mean, do bears eat people? Where is that written? Oh my god." While many see it as a beast reverting back to its nature, others say that over the past few months trainer and bear have had a strained relationship at best. "He wasn't seeing any real money." said his best friend who asked to be identified only as F. Bear. "Bottom line, you're doing movies with Crowe, Tom Cruise and Will Ferrell you expect to see some serious scratch. Nothing, man. Dude was having salmon thrown at him from a f-cking bucket and still wiping his ass with leaves. He was in an Oscar nominated film for Christ's sake! You get to a point where you're like: "OK, hey where's my money man? Maybe I should rip your f-cking face off one day?" That's why me and the frog don't talk, you know?"

Rusty's dad warns paparazzi to stay away or he'll "rip their throats out."

Others close to the situation claim it was not characteristic of the lovable bear to act like...a bear. Rusty's father had this to say "We told him, stay here! Stay in the woods! His mother and I tried. Lord knows we did. You couldn't tell him anything though because he always had those bright lights in his eyes." Visibly saddened, the bear who raised him added "Once he got out there though, he had access to drugs. More booze than a college student. And the white women...always the white women. Sometimes you call his cell for days on end and a different tramp would answer all giggly and saying he was "asleep" and we'd have to call back...We love you son!"

Rusty now awaits a decision from animal authorities who are contemplating euthenizing him.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

"Do You Smell What Barack Is Cookin'?" No, Seriously He Said That...

Come November this WILL be settled in a cage!

When you want to get your point across to voters everywhere and appeal to their sensibilities, you know where presidential candidates go? The O’Reilly Factor? Uh...maybe if you wanted to speak to a couple million people who almost definitely will vote. Larry King Live? If you're plugging a book and can stand the smell of formaldehyde, sure. When the Republican nominee and the final two Democrats slugging it out for a spot want to reach the people who are the decision makers in this country, they take it to WWE Monday Night Raw!

WWE Diva Chesty McTits: Healthcare and gun control are on her mind.

On this week's telecast from Greenville, South Carolina Douche-publican nominee John McCain and Democratic side by side runners Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama took their case to the fans of professional wrestling via taped promos to implore them to make the right decision come November. It started with the former first lady talking about health care and how no one has ever been able to break out of her patented emasculating, "cankle-lock submission" as her husband could attest to. Next was the charismatic Obama who asked the audience if they could "Smell what Barack was cookin'?" When asked exactly what he was "cookin'" the canididate said"...uh...change?" and quickly changed the subject to his favorite ethnic stereotype wrestlers Dead Beat Daddy and Angry Suspicious Korean Grocery Store Owner. The loudest applause of the evening however went to McCain who simply said "Hey...white guy...crotch ripping guy? Come on America! I mean, are you f-cking serious?" He then rolled out his valet Chesty McTits who said she would be voting for McCain because he was "nice and stuff" and that she would be at the polls in her thong to drum up support.

"Jo" Fuffner says: "Election 'o8? Hell yeah, mother f-cker!"

Longtime WWE fan Jonas Fuffner who was in attendance said "I think it was a great idea for all of them to come on here and tell us fans what for. I don't really much care for the forward speaking woman 'cause she obviously don't know her place but it took alot of courage for the black guy to get up there and speak. They've had alot of trouble over the years. Shoot, my grandparents even had a guys that is. Not so much trouble 'cause we ain't never left South Carolina." When the tape was viewed by a political pundit in the know, he responded "A black man and a woman on a show that's inherrantly racist and sexist being broadcast from the south? is real huh?"

Friday, April 11, 2008

Baby's First...Gang Initiation

Joseph Manzanares: Hopes to be there for his childs first "Break yo' self fool!"

When we have children sometimes we watch them when they sleep and wonder: "Will my kid be a surgeon? An athelete? What college is he or she going to?" Well Joseph Manzanares is a man of perspective and has no time for menial stuff like higher education. On Tuesday he was arrested in Commerece City, Colrado for showing up at the job of his child's mother to fight about WHICH GANG THEIR 4 YEAR-OLD SHOULD BELONG TO. Manzanares belongs to the Hispanic gang the West Side Ballers while the child's mother who is black, is a Crip. The incident shines a light on the latest plight facing Americans: Bi-gangsta children.

"We are seeing more of this everyday and it is having an effect on our youth gang culture in this country." said a social worker on the grounds of anonymity. "We have these bi-gangsta kids in our schools and it's very tough on them. They call them "Blips"(half Blood and half Crip) and they are constantly confused and berated by therir peers. Poor bastards walk around in red bandanas and blue flannel shirts and are constantly getting shot at by their own family members...they have no identity...other than ya know, being affiliated with murderers, rapists and drug dealers. It's sad." Commerce City Police Sgt. Joe Sandoval had a different more understanding take on the whole matter. After speaking with the childs' mother who was not identified, he said "They have different ideas on how the baby should be raised. Basically, she said they cannot agree on which gang the baby would claim,'" He then said "The Crips are more of a shooting gang and the Ballers are into the stabbing thing. I mean call it cultural or whatever but that's what happens when you don't stay with your own kind."

Shortly after the interview Sandoval was branded a "gangist" for his seperatist remarks and asked to resign from the force before "his ass gets capped" by a joint coaliton of gang members that was "advised" by a man who gave his name as Not Al Sharpton.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Whompin': A Pictorial

Older People Rejoice As "Whompin' Hippies" Makes A Comeback

If you had a job, you'd be watching it on TV and not experiencing it.

For centuries, the Olympic Games have been seen as a way for the world to come together by means of friendly athletic competition. Now they can also be credited for instilling feelings of nostalgia in our own country’s older generation. With the widespread protests of the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games, it seems throttling hippies has once again become chic.

(Left) A young Clavis Frome (right) An antique "attitude adjuster"

“It hasn’t been this good since the WTO protests a few years back!” exclaimed retired Seattle police officer, Clavis Frome, 72. “These kids are all “Free Tibet” and stuff and bothering those nice Orientals from China. Who can whip up fried rice better than these guys? I mean the Chinese give us something. What have we ever gotten to eat or use from Tibet? The Dalai Lama isn’t edible, is he?” He then added “Could I find Tibet on a map? No. I don’t even know why they’re fighting but I know youngsters are opening their mouths to people much more powerful than they are and they’re getting what’s coming to them! Makes me proud!” 84 year-old Florence Saperstein now residing in Florida noted “Watching this really reminds me of Haight Ashbury!”(A haven for the unclean in the late 60’s) She also stated “ I remember tossing hot water on them with my parents. They were always down on one knee with one hand up saying things like “Peace man!” and “Stop hitting me, I can’t see out of that eye man!” Well, stop making signs, take a bath and work for a living and I bet that vision problem would clear itself right up now, wouldn’t it?”

A "peaceful" demonstrator tries to "educate" a paraplegic.

The craze has also taken over nursing homes countrywide with some establishments reporting a spike in interest at evening news telecasts with any segments on the Games. Professor Mike Turilli of T.I.C.H. (The Institute for the Concussing of Hippies), explained recent surge was caused by an overall renewed sense of “not giving a shit about other people.” “The late 60’s and early 70’s were a golden era for beating on the unkempt and uppity, but then hard times hit in the late 70’s with the oil crisis. Combine that with all the early 80’s Sally Struthers commercials and that damn “We Are The World” video, and all of a sudden people tried to be “compassionate” or “caring” and refrained from putting in work on some transient skull.” The scholar then pointed to an increase in emergency room visits for head trauma in cities such as San Francisco and Seattle in 1995 as the start of the resurgence. “After getting comfortable and complacent over a few years, kids thought they could whine for the less fortunate like Cobain and not bathe while sipping lattes and working on their laptops. They were wrong. Their parents and people that age remembered the beatings that put them in line and started to do the same to their offspring. This older generation could turn off Nirvana and Pearl Jam but there’s only one way to shut hippies up and this is how we have arrived where we are at today!”

Monday, April 07, 2008

Heston Dead At 84, "Damn Dirty Apes" Indifferent

"They can have my gun when they pry it from my...oh crap!"

There were mixed emotions throught the ape community as the news of legendary actor Charlton Heston's death spread. The film icon and staunch opponent of “Damn Dirty Apes” everywhere was suffering from the latter stages of Alzheimer’s disease and passed away peacefully at his Beverly Hills home at the age of 84.

Victims of Heston's "Anti-Ape Agenda" or one note characters?

For years, hundreds of simians have blamed their lack of quality movie roles on the tireless campaigning of the star of films like The Ten Commandments, Ben-Hur and Soylent Green. “Nobody wishes anyone dead but Jesus man, I been saying “Grape Ape” for over thirty years!” said the eponymous, former star of The Great Grape Ape Show. “I can do more than that but every time I go out for something they say "Uh, we’re not going with real monkeys." and I knew it was because Chuck got wind of the audition and shut it down. Has anyone seen Magilla lately? Guy was walking up to car windows on Sunset. I didn't even want to know what he was doing but I hear for the right price, anything goes. It was that bad...guy's a mess now. A f--king mess!" The aforementioned Magilla Gorilla refused an interview but did say he blamed his misfortune squarely on Hollywood's compliance with the actor's "anti-ape agenda".

Zaius argues Heston "hated apes" only when he thought people were watching.

“He was a hellacious debater but a bit of a hypocrite” said Beatle hair cut having, longtime adversary Dr. Zaius. “He claims he didn’t like apes but it never stopped him from getting all the ape tail he could…and we don’t even have tails…I was saying “tail”…ya know metaphorically?” The conservative firebrand was very vocal in his dislike of primates. Many believe it stems from an incident on the set of Beneath the Planet of the Apes in which several drunken, gorilla suited cast members held him down and hurled taunts at him like “Your lunch was made of people…people!” while doing unspeakable things. The actor, who broke free by gouging out one of his assailants eyes while rending another’s testicles from his body with his teeth, stated at the time “I saw apes that day and I hated them. I’ll hate them for the rest of my life.” He never did another Planet of the Apes film and Heston, a man who opposed the Vietnam War and supported Lyndon Johnson’s gun control act, joined the NRA.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Readin', Writin' And Rippin' Your Damn Guts Open

Kevin "Kevie" Henkins 8, alleged ringleader of the Waycross 9

Long gone are the days of firing wadded up toilet tissue at the back of your teachers head. Thanks to a newfound dedication to organization and guerilla tactics, a gang of precocious Georgia 4th graders were rounded up for conspiracy to handcuff, duct tape and stab a teacher for reprimanding one of them for standing on a chair. The sociopaths-in-training range in ages from 8-10.

World renowned "bully", Butch (left) wonders "when did kids start getting so mean?"

The plot was uncovered by another student who overheard the 9 children plotting over a Capri Sun fueled, playground session. "They got all mean and stuff and one kid was like "I'ma cut this bitch" and another kid was like "No way!" but then the kid was like "Yes way!" and he was all like "triple dog dare me" and someone did. Can't go back on a triple dog dare." said a little girl on the grounds of anonymity. Legendary, schoolyard bully and motivational speaker Butch, from The Little Rascals said he was saddened by the whole incident stating "That's not how it was done in my day, ya know? Put a frog in a kids pants or some fireworks and then use a magnifying glass but this...oh Jesus...they would have put me at the bottom of a lake...and what would they have done to Stymie?" the elderly antagonist broke down and asked that the interview be stopped.

Waycross, GA police have also confiscated the Toyco Lil' Psycho Bag O' Death, a product containing many of the implements of destruction the youths needed to carry out the payback intended for the "meanie pants" as one of the suspects referred to the teacher. Toyco reps have released the following statement: "We here at Toyco DO NOT condone the use of the Bag O' Death or any of our Lil' Psycho products for anything other than fun and practice. Jesus, Play-Doh has a shitty little hamburger maker that they put out but you don't see kids actually eating the stuff, do you? And if you did, then that kid is pretty damn stupid because it's clay and clay hamburgers taste like shit. I mean, come on!"

Lil' Psycho Bag O' Death: For ages 5 & Up

All students have been suspended for various lengths of time, depending on the severity of their involvement. All will be required to attend anger management classes. Actual criminal charges are pending because...well, it's Georgia.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Chef “Beef” Turns Serious

"Bullets...disappear into me!"

Top that 50 Cent! Famed Cajun Chef Paul Prudhomme doesn’t just throw down in the kitchen, he also ain’t no punk when it comes to gettin’ capped. The superstar chef was shot on Tuesday and wasn’t even sure about it until he found a bullet on the floor much later on. “Honestly I thought, it was just the “big one” coming and I started holdin' my left arm and thinking about all the good shit I’d never get to eat again.”said Prudhomme. “I just kinda told my friends to bring stuff over and fire it down my throat before the ol’ esophagus seized up.” Many fear this is retribution from the Food Network after Prudhomme decided to host his Chef Paul Prudhomme's Always Cooking! on PBS rather than the home of such cholesterol pimps like Bobby Flay and Emeril Lagasse.

What's cookin? A drive-by, bitches!

According to a local Lousiana news report, Prudhomme was cooking at a golf course in Louisiana when he felt something hit his arm. He then noticed a .22 caliber bullet fall from his sleeve. He then rolled up his shirt to check for more wounds and a six inch bolt, a half eaten package of Ho-Ho's and Haley Joel Osment fell from a fold. "I'm an O.G. and little bullets don't faze me, dawg!" said a suddenly fired up Prudhomme. "Paula Deen and the Food Network had something to do with this! Nobody wants her ol' nasty red beans and rice recipe! This is what it's about, isn't it Paula? And Rachael Ray, that gravely voiced, hack! Drink some more of that piss water coffee you're peddling, ya stank ass ho!"

Police had originally classified the incident as a shooting, but then deemed it a simple complaint. They say a .22 caliber bullet can travel almost two miles, so they may never know who fired the shot. Hopefully all parties involved will learn a lesson from 'Pac and Biggie.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Popeye’s Chicken Founder Dead At 64, Bluto Held For Questioning

Left to right: Copeland and "Bluto/Brutus"

Al Copeland, who became rich selling spicy fried chicken and notorious for his flamboyant lifestyle, died Sunday at a clinic near Munich, Germany. He was 64.

Ironically, the founder of the
Popeyes Famous Fried Chicken & Biscuits chain had been diagnosed shortly before Thanksgiving with a malignant salivary gland tumor. His death was announced by his spokeswoman, Kit Wohl.

Although no foul play was suspected in Copeland’s death, his attending nurse, a Mr. Bluto was arrested immediately following the announcement. After a violent struggle that saw several German policeman fall victim to vicious uppercuts that sent them flying several stories skyward, he was subdued with one punch by an officer who had the wherewithal to carry a can of spinach. “Mr. Bluto or “Brutus” as he has sometimes been called is not guilty of anything at this time.” said a police official. “We simply wanted to ask him about the name changes. Is it Bluto or Brutus? Is he a sailor or just some slovenly guy with a penchant for punching the speaking impaired? And why work for this guy, of all people?”

"Bluto" and "friend" Popeye before their ugly falling out.

Although the U.S. Navy claims to have no record of service for him, “Bluto” allegedly got his start in 1932 as a buddy of restaurant namesake and fellow sailor, Popeye. He soon grew tired of his second fiddle status and after failing to move up in rank, for the next 50 years took to punching the lovable sailor and kidnapping his girlfriend, whenever the opportunity arose. Some sources fear that it was a revenge plot hatched by the disgruntled seaman after the failure of his Bluto's Famous Bratwurst & Waffle stands. The last of which was swallowed up by Copeland's booming chicken business in 1982, forcing him into destitution for the better part of two decades. It wasn't until late 2007 when Copeland, the man who ground his dreams to dust, hired him as a home attendant. "He was jusk getting back on his feets." said Popeye. "I hope to god, he didn't have a hand in this...a-skiddly-diddly-do-bop-a-be bop-da-bo!"

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Bear Stearns Workers Get Back To Bu$ine$$

"Kip" Wellington told us: "Dude come on, I have kids."

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.-Dr. Martin Luther King

In the wake of the near-apocalyptic Bear Stearns collapse, the spirit of Dr. King's phrase rings true for hundreds of current and former employees. After watching their stock fall 47% in one day and a buyout by JPMorgan Chase that was equal to the amount of $2/a share, the survivors among the rubble of the fallen financial giant are finding new and innovative ways to get back on their feet.

Jeff "Kip" Wellington 38, has bounced back from the loss of his $175K per year job(+ bonuses) in a matter of days. Moving into the fast paced, high stakes field of "free lance automotive glass stewards", the wily market veteran has already turned a profit and sees no end to his earning possibilities. "You know, the first day you feel sorry for yourself and you start pondering suicide." said the former numbers wiz. "Then you remember that Porsche isn't gonna pay for itself, alimony has no conscience and your kids braces ain't cheap! You get that first quarter and you think spend, spend, spend. Not me! This goes right into a mutual fund I'm building right here in this old mayonaise jar...I'm's all a lie."

An employee takes his turn during the new "Lunchtime Fund Raiser"

Other employees are trying to deal with the "cutbacks" imposed upon them by the gutting of their livelihood. AVP Fred Hernandez, noted that while their trappings aren't what they once were, they take solace in the fact that they are still gainfully employed. Alfonse LeRon Jefferson, the first African-American CFO at the company, showed us the new and improved breakroom now equipped with "sleeping quarters" so weary traders can rest after a stress flled afternoon on the floor. "We're down but not out!" exclaimed Jefferson. "People slap my cup away and tell me to get off drugs or whatever. I just laugh and think about the two houses I used to have and snorting coke out of the cleavage of a Brazilian escort and I know I'll be doing that again because of the country I live in. Opportunities, man. Nothing but opportunities."

"Kip", Fred, Alfonse, you're an inspiration to us all.

CFO Alfonse LeRon Jefferson shows us the newly added sleeping quarters at Bear Stearns.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

She Mugged You! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

"I wanna hold your cash."

Yesterday, Honorable Justice Mr. Bennet awarded Heather Mills a $48.7M divorce settlement making it the 6th largest in marriage shakedown history. Her four year marriage to ex-Beatle, Paul McCartney came to a bitter end in 2006 after a tumultuous start and the "pure evil" (as Mills puts it) of Stella McCartney. The judge came to this verdict after Mills initially turned down $50M from her ex in hopes of bagging more of the $1.6B she claimed he was worth.

One of these old ladies ROCK!...and one just got divorced.

McCartney expressed sadness at the end of his relationship. Citing what he thought as a trend of women being sexually attracted to men who resemble Angela Lansbury that are 25-30 years older than them, he confessed that he thought the union would last forever. He also displayed genuine surprise when informed that liver spots aren't and never have been sexy.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Jebus Jabber: The David Paterson Interview

"You dropped the ball, Captain Clean! Ha ha!"

Among the rubble of the Eliot Spitzer campaign there seems to be a flower of a carreer blooming. Liuetenant Governor David Paterson, was sworn in today as governor-designate for the state of New York amid the frenzied hoopla of the still reeling, Spitzer administration. Help Me Jebus! was there at this historic event and the freshly minted governor sat down with us for a quick Q&A:

" she making a face again?"

Help Me Jebus: Do you see yourself as having the same ideals as Spitzer or someone that can turn Albany in a new direction?

David Paterson: I can't see anything.

HMJ: What do you see happening to former governor Spitzer?

DP: Uh...nothing?

HMJ: Would you ever get into such a predicament?

DP: Nah, can't see that happening?

HMJ: What do you think of "Kristen"?

DP: I can't see what all the fuss is about. I really can't see it.

HMJ: Likes and dislikes?

DP: I like feeling like I can make a change up here in Albany. Dislikes? When my co-workers hide stuff. Not funny at all. My sense of hearing is superhuman. I can hear them giggling under their breaths. News Flash: I can hear an ant scream when it's crushed a block away, ya douchebags!

HMJ: Do you look forward to any gubernatorial perks?

DP: Perks? My driver gets the best spot already! Do you see the plates on that baby parked outside? That little blue guy in the chair has more juice than Oprah in a room full of mid-western housewives.

HMJ: Finally, how does it feel to be New York's first black Governor?

DP: I'm WHAT!?!