Monday, April 07, 2008

Heston Dead At 84, "Damn Dirty Apes" Indifferent

"They can have my gun when they pry it from my...oh crap!"

There were mixed emotions throught the ape community as the news of legendary actor Charlton Heston's death spread. The film icon and staunch opponent of “Damn Dirty Apes” everywhere was suffering from the latter stages of Alzheimer’s disease and passed away peacefully at his Beverly Hills home at the age of 84.

Victims of Heston's "Anti-Ape Agenda" or one note characters?

For years, hundreds of simians have blamed their lack of quality movie roles on the tireless campaigning of the star of films like The Ten Commandments, Ben-Hur and Soylent Green. “Nobody wishes anyone dead but Jesus man, I been saying “Grape Ape” for over thirty years!” said the eponymous, former star of The Great Grape Ape Show. “I can do more than that but every time I go out for something they say "Uh, we’re not going with real monkeys." and I knew it was because Chuck got wind of the audition and shut it down. Has anyone seen Magilla lately? Guy was walking up to car windows on Sunset. I didn't even want to know what he was doing but I hear for the right price, anything goes. It was that bad...guy's a mess now. A f--king mess!" The aforementioned Magilla Gorilla refused an interview but did say he blamed his misfortune squarely on Hollywood's compliance with the actor's "anti-ape agenda".

Zaius argues Heston "hated apes" only when he thought people were watching.

“He was a hellacious debater but a bit of a hypocrite” said Beatle hair cut having, longtime adversary Dr. Zaius. “He claims he didn’t like apes but it never stopped him from getting all the ape tail he could…and we don’t even have tails…I was saying “tail”…ya know metaphorically?” The conservative firebrand was very vocal in his dislike of primates. Many believe it stems from an incident on the set of Beneath the Planet of the Apes in which several drunken, gorilla suited cast members held him down and hurled taunts at him like “Your lunch was made of people…people!” while doing unspeakable things. The actor, who broke free by gouging out one of his assailants eyes while rending another’s testicles from his body with his teeth, stated at the time “I saw apes that day and I hated them. I’ll hate them for the rest of my life.” He never did another Planet of the Apes film and Heston, a man who opposed the Vietnam War and supported Lyndon Johnson’s gun control act, joined the NRA.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Yes, it is true. Charlie was a great promoter of sapian/simian sex. He also was an early standard bearer for homosexual role models, in cinema, as well as popular culture. His portrayal of Ben-Her, changed to Ben-Hur, when Billy Graham threatened a boycott, was the first leading homosexual role ever (sorry Dorothy). And he was the first male actor to feature a Vera Wang wardrobe, and wasn't that gold-trimmed tunic just fierce!!