Thursday, April 10, 2008

Older People Rejoice As "Whompin' Hippies" Makes A Comeback

If you had a job, you'd be watching it on TV and not experiencing it.

For centuries, the Olympic Games have been seen as a way for the world to come together by means of friendly athletic competition. Now they can also be credited for instilling feelings of nostalgia in our own country’s older generation. With the widespread protests of the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games, it seems throttling hippies has once again become chic.

(Left) A young Clavis Frome (right) An antique "attitude adjuster"

“It hasn’t been this good since the WTO protests a few years back!” exclaimed retired Seattle police officer, Clavis Frome, 72. “These kids are all “Free Tibet” and stuff and bothering those nice Orientals from China. Who can whip up fried rice better than these guys? I mean the Chinese give us something. What have we ever gotten to eat or use from Tibet? The Dalai Lama isn’t edible, is he?” He then added “Could I find Tibet on a map? No. I don’t even know why they’re fighting but I know youngsters are opening their mouths to people much more powerful than they are and they’re getting what’s coming to them! Makes me proud!” 84 year-old Florence Saperstein now residing in Florida noted “Watching this really reminds me of Haight Ashbury!”(A haven for the unclean in the late 60’s) She also stated “ I remember tossing hot water on them with my parents. They were always down on one knee with one hand up saying things like “Peace man!” and “Stop hitting me, I can’t see out of that eye man!” Well, stop making signs, take a bath and work for a living and I bet that vision problem would clear itself right up now, wouldn’t it?”

A "peaceful" demonstrator tries to "educate" a paraplegic.

The craze has also taken over nursing homes countrywide with some establishments reporting a spike in interest at evening news telecasts with any segments on the Games. Professor Mike Turilli of T.I.C.H. (The Institute for the Concussing of Hippies), explained recent surge was caused by an overall renewed sense of “not giving a shit about other people.” “The late 60’s and early 70’s were a golden era for beating on the unkempt and uppity, but then hard times hit in the late 70’s with the oil crisis. Combine that with all the early 80’s Sally Struthers commercials and that damn “We Are The World” video, and all of a sudden people tried to be “compassionate” or “caring” and refrained from putting in work on some transient skull.” The scholar then pointed to an increase in emergency room visits for head trauma in cities such as San Francisco and Seattle in 1995 as the start of the resurgence. “After getting comfortable and complacent over a few years, kids thought they could whine for the less fortunate like Cobain and not bathe while sipping lattes and working on their laptops. They were wrong. Their parents and people that age remembered the beatings that put them in line and started to do the same to their offspring. This older generation could turn off Nirvana and Pearl Jam but there’s only one way to shut hippies up and this is how we have arrived where we are at today!”

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