Friday, April 11, 2008

Baby's First...Gang Initiation

Joseph Manzanares: Hopes to be there for his childs first "Break yo' self fool!"

When we have children sometimes we watch them when they sleep and wonder: "Will my kid be a surgeon? An athelete? What college is he or she going to?" Well Joseph Manzanares is a man of perspective and has no time for menial stuff like higher education. On Tuesday he was arrested in Commerece City, Colrado for showing up at the job of his child's mother to fight about WHICH GANG THEIR 4 YEAR-OLD SHOULD BELONG TO. Manzanares belongs to the Hispanic gang the West Side Ballers while the child's mother who is black, is a Crip. The incident shines a light on the latest plight facing Americans: Bi-gangsta children.

"We are seeing more of this everyday and it is having an effect on our youth gang culture in this country." said a social worker on the grounds of anonymity. "We have these bi-gangsta kids in our schools and it's very tough on them. They call them "Blips"(half Blood and half Crip) and they are constantly confused and berated by therir peers. Poor bastards walk around in red bandanas and blue flannel shirts and are constantly getting shot at by their own family members...they have no identity...other than ya know, being affiliated with murderers, rapists and drug dealers. It's sad." Commerce City Police Sgt. Joe Sandoval had a different more understanding take on the whole matter. After speaking with the childs' mother who was not identified, he said "They have different ideas on how the baby should be raised. Basically, she said they cannot agree on which gang the baby would claim,'" He then said "The Crips are more of a shooting gang and the Ballers are into the stabbing thing. I mean call it cultural or whatever but that's what happens when you don't stay with your own kind."

Shortly after the interview Sandoval was branded a "gangist" for his seperatist remarks and asked to resign from the force before "his ass gets capped" by a joint coaliton of gang members that was "advised" by a man who gave his name as Not Al Sharpton.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Whompin': A Pictorial

Older People Rejoice As "Whompin' Hippies" Makes A Comeback

If you had a job, you'd be watching it on TV and not experiencing it.

For centuries, the Olympic Games have been seen as a way for the world to come together by means of friendly athletic competition. Now they can also be credited for instilling feelings of nostalgia in our own country’s older generation. With the widespread protests of the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games, it seems throttling hippies has once again become chic.

(Left) A young Clavis Frome (right) An antique "attitude adjuster"

“It hasn’t been this good since the WTO protests a few years back!” exclaimed retired Seattle police officer, Clavis Frome, 72. “These kids are all “Free Tibet” and stuff and bothering those nice Orientals from China. Who can whip up fried rice better than these guys? I mean the Chinese give us something. What have we ever gotten to eat or use from Tibet? The Dalai Lama isn’t edible, is he?” He then added “Could I find Tibet on a map? No. I don’t even know why they’re fighting but I know youngsters are opening their mouths to people much more powerful than they are and they’re getting what’s coming to them! Makes me proud!” 84 year-old Florence Saperstein now residing in Florida noted “Watching this really reminds me of Haight Ashbury!”(A haven for the unclean in the late 60’s) She also stated “ I remember tossing hot water on them with my parents. They were always down on one knee with one hand up saying things like “Peace man!” and “Stop hitting me, I can’t see out of that eye man!” Well, stop making signs, take a bath and work for a living and I bet that vision problem would clear itself right up now, wouldn’t it?”

A "peaceful" demonstrator tries to "educate" a paraplegic.

The craze has also taken over nursing homes countrywide with some establishments reporting a spike in interest at evening news telecasts with any segments on the Games. Professor Mike Turilli of T.I.C.H. (The Institute for the Concussing of Hippies), explained recent surge was caused by an overall renewed sense of “not giving a shit about other people.” “The late 60’s and early 70’s were a golden era for beating on the unkempt and uppity, but then hard times hit in the late 70’s with the oil crisis. Combine that with all the early 80’s Sally Struthers commercials and that damn “We Are The World” video, and all of a sudden people tried to be “compassionate” or “caring” and refrained from putting in work on some transient skull.” The scholar then pointed to an increase in emergency room visits for head trauma in cities such as San Francisco and Seattle in 1995 as the start of the resurgence. “After getting comfortable and complacent over a few years, kids thought they could whine for the less fortunate like Cobain and not bathe while sipping lattes and working on their laptops. They were wrong. Their parents and people that age remembered the beatings that put them in line and started to do the same to their offspring. This older generation could turn off Nirvana and Pearl Jam but there’s only one way to shut hippies up and this is how we have arrived where we are at today!”

Monday, April 07, 2008

Heston Dead At 84, "Damn Dirty Apes" Indifferent

"They can have my gun when they pry it from my...oh crap!"

There were mixed emotions throught the ape community as the news of legendary actor Charlton Heston's death spread. The film icon and staunch opponent of “Damn Dirty Apes” everywhere was suffering from the latter stages of Alzheimer’s disease and passed away peacefully at his Beverly Hills home at the age of 84.

Victims of Heston's "Anti-Ape Agenda" or one note characters?

For years, hundreds of simians have blamed their lack of quality movie roles on the tireless campaigning of the star of films like The Ten Commandments, Ben-Hur and Soylent Green. “Nobody wishes anyone dead but Jesus man, I been saying “Grape Ape” for over thirty years!” said the eponymous, former star of The Great Grape Ape Show. “I can do more than that but every time I go out for something they say "Uh, we’re not going with real monkeys." and I knew it was because Chuck got wind of the audition and shut it down. Has anyone seen Magilla lately? Guy was walking up to car windows on Sunset. I didn't even want to know what he was doing but I hear for the right price, anything goes. It was that bad...guy's a mess now. A f--king mess!" The aforementioned Magilla Gorilla refused an interview but did say he blamed his misfortune squarely on Hollywood's compliance with the actor's "anti-ape agenda".

Zaius argues Heston "hated apes" only when he thought people were watching.

“He was a hellacious debater but a bit of a hypocrite” said Beatle hair cut having, longtime adversary Dr. Zaius. “He claims he didn’t like apes but it never stopped him from getting all the ape tail he could…and we don’t even have tails…I was saying “tail”…ya know metaphorically?” The conservative firebrand was very vocal in his dislike of primates. Many believe it stems from an incident on the set of Beneath the Planet of the Apes in which several drunken, gorilla suited cast members held him down and hurled taunts at him like “Your lunch was made of people…people!” while doing unspeakable things. The actor, who broke free by gouging out one of his assailants eyes while rending another’s testicles from his body with his teeth, stated at the time “I saw apes that day and I hated them. I’ll hate them for the rest of my life.” He never did another Planet of the Apes film and Heston, a man who opposed the Vietnam War and supported Lyndon Johnson’s gun control act, joined the NRA.