Bear Stearns Workers Get Back To Bu$ine$$

"Kip" Wellington told us: "Dude come on, I have kids."

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.-Dr. Martin Luther King

In the wake of the near-apocalyptic Bear Stearns collapse, the spirit of Dr. King's phrase rings true for hundreds of current and former employees. After watching their stock fall 47% in one day and a buyout by JPMorgan Chase that was equal to the amount of $2/a share, the survivors among the rubble of the fallen financial giant are finding new and innovative ways to get back on their feet.

Jeff "Kip" Wellington 38, has bounced back from the loss of his $175K per year job(+ bonuses) in a matter of days. Moving into the fast paced, high stakes field of "free lance automotive glass stewards", the wily market veteran has already turned a profit and sees no end to his earning possibilities. "You know, the first day you feel sorry for yourself and you start pondering suicide." said the former numbers wiz. "Then you remember that Porsche isn't gonna pay for itself, alimony has no conscience and your kids braces ain't cheap! You get that first quarter and you think spend, spend, spend. Not me! This goes right into a mutual fund I'm building right here in this old mayonaise jar...I'm lying...it's all a lie."

An employee takes his turn during the new "Lunchtime Fund Raiser"

Other employees are trying to deal with the "cutbacks" imposed upon them by the gutting of their livelihood. AVP Fred Hernandez, noted that while their trappings aren't what they once were, they take solace in the fact that they are still gainfully employed. Alfonse LeRon Jefferson, the first African-American CFO at the company, showed us the new and improved breakroom now equipped with "sleeping quarters" so weary traders can rest after a stress flled afternoon on the floor. "We're down but not out!" exclaimed Jefferson. "People slap my cup away and tell me to get off drugs or whatever. I just laugh and think about the two houses I used to have and snorting coke out of the cleavage of a Brazilian escort and I know I'll be doing that again because of the country I live in. Opportunities, man. Nothing but opportunities."

"Kip", Fred, Alfonse, you're an inspiration to us all.

CFO Alfonse LeRon Jefferson shows us the newly added sleeping quarters at Bear Stearns.

She Mugged You! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

"I wanna hold your cash."

Yesterday, Honorable Justice Mr. Bennet awarded Heather Mills a $48.7M divorce settlement making it the 6th largest in marriage shakedown history. Her four year marriage to ex-Beatle, Paul McCartney came to a bitter end in 2006 after a tumultuous start and the "pure evil" (as Mills puts it) of Stella McCartney. The judge came to this verdict after Mills initially turned down $50M from her ex in hopes of bagging more of the $1.6B she claimed he was worth.













One of these old ladies ROCK!...and one just got divorced.

McCartney expressed sadness at the end of his relationship. Citing what he thought as a trend of women being sexually attracted to men who resemble Angela Lansbury that are 25-30 years older than them, he confessed that he thought the union would last forever. He also displayed genuine surprise when informed that liver spots aren't and never have been sexy.