Saturday, January 26, 2008

Let The Diapers Hit The Floor!

For what may be the first time in entertainment history, Hollywood has finally listened to public outcry and will give movie goers what they've been craving. A Peter Jackson-directed Hobbit movie? Uh-uh. A film where the black guy doesn't die within the first ten minutes? Uh...there are three Blade movies, thank you. After twenty years Sylvester Stallone will bring John Rambo back to the silver screen with the creatively titled Rambo.

With the success of 2006's Rocky Balboa, it was only natural that the Italian Stallion would bring another geriatric character back to the big-screen. The sixty year-old star ditched the metamucil and hit the HGH like a baseball player in December to get ready for the role. Through an interpreter, Stallone told us "The plastic hip held up pretty well durin' shootin' and I duct taped the waist and both legs of my underwear to my body during the tough action scenes." He then laughed as he told us "A couple times when I fell real hard I...ya know "went" on myself but it stayed in the diaper. A couple people were like "What's that smell?" but I didn't say nuthin!"

Murder She Wrote...bring it back, now!

Studios will be watching this weekends numbers very closely. With Stallone's opus unspooling and another Indiana Jones film premiering this summer, the AARP action genre may be the hottest ticket in town. Sources have informed us that execs are already looking at more of Sly's characters to bring back. Look for Over The Top II: Let's Do It Lefty and Stop Or My Mom Will Make That Old People Lip Smacking Noise! with the latter re-teaming Stallone with co-star Estelle Getty. When reached with this news at her home directly under the H in the Hollywood sign, Getty said "Oh, that's nice. Sly Stone is a nice boy and he makes wonderful music. Who called my name?"

"Where am I?"

Friday, January 25, 2008

NY Gov. Spitzer Says: "Crack Is Taxed!"

Hold on Pookie ! Next time you look for Ray-Ray n 'em for your fix you better have exact change!
In a move that's sure to have the offices of H&R Block overrun with clients with names like "Silk Daddy" and "Willie Smoove", New York State Governor Eliot Spitzer has proposed a tax stamp on illegal drugs which would cost $3.50 per gram for marijuana and $200 per gram for a controlled substance.

"Twenty-nine states across the nation have enacted laws enabling them to collect taxes on illegal drugs," said spokesman Errol Cockfield. Opponents of the bill though say the plan sends a messag ethat using drugs is OK as long as you pay your taxes. Some are even outraged at the notion of a tax. "What's next, taxing prostitution?" asked Assembly Minority Leader James Tedisco (R-Schenectady) adding " I can't wait to see what kind of stamp they'll put on these girls in New York City and around the state. My accountant is gonna be one is recording this, right?"

Weed tax? No waaaaay!

HMJ took to the streets and asked drug dealers what their opinion of Spitzer's plan was. "This dude is out his gat damned mind!" proclaimed Beumont "Cat Daddy" Wilkens. "OK, let's say I start charging tax. Where the hell is a crackhead gonna get what amounts to New York State tax? He's a crackhead and he probably stole that five dollars! And where the hell are my girls supposed to put the damn receipts? Aw, hell naw!"

"Cat Daddy" Wilkens procurer of runaways and prompt tax payer.
NY Times To Rudy: Dude, Cancel That Subscription

After a ringing endorsement of Senator John McCain in which the New York Times stated: "Senator John McCain of Arizona is the only Republican who promises to end the George Bush style of governing from and on behalf of a small, angry fringe," then proclaimed "With a record of working across the aisle to develop sound bipartisan legislation, he would offer a choice to a broader range of Americans than the rest of the Republican field.", the tabloid got all Donna Hanover on former New York Mayor and current presidential hopeful Rudolph Giuliani. The paper released a stream of vitriol(or as some people call it, TRUTH) normally reserved for the likes Nazi war criminals and Michael Vick.

"Mr. Giuliani’s arrogance and bad judgment are breathtaking. When he claims fiscal prudence, we remember how he ran through surpluses without a thought to the inevitable downturn and bequeathed huge deficits to his successor. He fired Police Commissioner William Bratton, the architect of the drop in crime, because he couldn’t share the limelight. He later gave the job to Bernard Kerik, who has now been indicted on fraud and corruption charges." The Times noted. It then went on to say "The Rudolph Giuliani of 2008 first shamelessly turned the horror of 9/11 into a lucrative business, with a secret client list, then exploited his city's and the country's nightmare to promote his presidential campaign," and "I mean seriously did you ever hear this guy's lisp? And that combover he had, what's was up with that?

Tough on crime, easy on the eyes!

The venom was aplenty as they called Mitt Romney a "shape-shifting douche" and chastised Mike Huckabee for being an "anti-immigration absolutist" and bringing religion and Chuck Norris into the race. When told about the paper's bashing of him, Giuliani said "I probably never did anything the New York Times suggested I do in eight years as mayor of New York City, and if I did, so what? Who wrote that anyway? I'll have them killed. remember when 9/11 happened , right? Saw it...I was there."

Huckabee, you bastard.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Ultimate Douchebag Praises Ledger's Death

Ultra Right-Wing mouth breather, Warrior f.k.a. Ultimate Warrior (Jim Hellwig is his real name but he had to legally change it so equally douche-y Vince McMahon couldn't profit off of him.) reminded the world just how dangerous a mix of too much time, steroids and a desire to be remembered can be. In a rambling manifesto posted on his blog, he mockingly referred to the recently deceased actor as "Leather Ledger" and when he wasn't making fifth grade level homophobic taunts, he gushed about how he was glad Ledger had killed himself. All this from a man who used to wear a tiny speedo, oil himself up and roll around on a mat with other oiled up men. And by the way, did I mention he did this while injecting his body with drugs that will eventually kill him but not before shriveling his testicles to the size of plain M&M's?

The juiced up hunk of has-been had a bright wrestling career that petered out in the mid-90's due to an inflated ego offset by a shrunken brain. His signature move was...well a clothesline because he was a terrible wrestler. He has since resigned to a life of suing people that say Warrior or use the leter W or look at a picture of him and laugh at what a joke he has become. At least he isn't gay.

Nope...not gay at all.
Detroit Mayor Texts Top Aide: "OMG I Think U R F'N Hot 2!"

"Yeah, uh-huh...yadda-yadda-yadda, so help me God! Let's get this over with!

The Mayor of Detroit may have to change his name to Kwame Kil-My Career after perjuring himself on the witness stand. According to the Detroit Free Press 14,000 text messages between Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and his lover Christine Beatty, a top aide have been discovered after the official swore under oath that he was not having an extra-marital affair. The messages were obtained under Michigan's public records law.

The messages show them engaging in sexually charged banter, recounting trysts and laughing off almost getting 'busted' as the disgraced duo put it. Some of the higlights of their chats include:
  • "I'm madly in love with you," To which Beatty replied "I hope you feel that way for a long time. In case you haven't noticed, I am madly in love with you, too!"

  • "And, did you miss me, sexually?" With the City Hall horndog replying "Hell yeah! You couldn't tell. I want some more."

  • "They were right outside the door. They [the mayor's bodyguards] had to have heard everything, so we are officially busted! LOL," She responded. "LOL LOL! Damn that. Never busted. Busted is what you see! LOL. ...,"


  • "Do you think we should be using our city contracted Blackberries to text message sexually explicit things to each other?" with Kilpatrick saying "Nah baby, nobody reads that sh-t. We about to get ta freakin', bring the lube! I'm Kwame Kilpatrick, bitch!"

"Yes your honor , it was like this!"

Photo 1 by Detroit Free Press
Phot 2 by AP
Cloverfield Makes Viewers Sick...No Really, It Does

"Are those double-knit crewnecks from the fall collection? That's so hot!"

Cloverfield the box-office hit about monsters terrorizing Ambercrombie & Fitch employees in New York City, has succeeded in making people other than me violently ill. Sources say that the $46M dollar brain fart has been causing dizzyness and nausea for reasons other than its poor script and Youtube-caliber acting.

One blogger on the movie site IMDB, reported "I had to get up and leave the theater for nearly 20 minutes just to keep from hurling." he then added "Really? Motion sickness? Nah, I'm fine." Michael G. Stewart, chairman of otorhinolaryngology at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital/Weil Cornell Medical Center called it a case of vertigo and said "You can look around and feel like things are moving, when they aren't." He then noted how in cases of vertigo the brain is confused by a visual sensation of movement while the body is stationary. He later cautioned that upon purchase of tickets for the film, a persons brain activity and functionality should be in question anyway.

Leaked poster for Cloverfield II: Clove Harder

The AMC chain of theaters across the country have posted signs warning moviegoers of potential "side effects associated with motion sickness similar to riding a roller-coaster." as well as "a feeling of shame and exploitation as you realized you are basically watching JJ Abrams defecate in a film cannister as your money continues to put his kids through school and pay off his platinum and diamond encrusted toilet bowl."

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Catholic League Tells ESPN Anchor, "No, F--k YOU!"

The Catholic League was on the offensive this week as it questioned ESPN's response in the suspending of anchor Dana Jacobson after buckling to pressure from them. During a roast for on-air personality Mike Greenberg in Atlantic City, an intoxicated Jacobson declared "F--k Notre Dame", "F--k Touchdown Jesus," and finally "F--k Jesus!" They claim her apology and subsequent suspension are not enough and that the Disney-owned network is supporting her "hate speech" by not publicly disemboweling her like Mel Gibson at the end of Braveheart.

League president Bill Donohue claims "First, there is no evidence that ESPN is taking this matter seriously," he then said. "Are we to believe that her hate speech is of no consequence?" He went on to mention the firing of Jimmy The Greek and that her intoxication was no excuse as it didn't help Gibson with his remark about Jews. Finally he noted "By far the most offensive thing she said, 'F--- Jesus,' isn't even addressed!" He then quickly reminded us how Catholics are more "gangsta" than any religion and that Jacobson should "check herself" because they've slaughtered thousands for something as trivial as not sharing their beliefs.

"It's all good, Dana."

Jesus was spotted leaving the Hannah Montana concert in Las Vegas, Nevada on Tuseday and had this to say: "She said that? Dude, whatever." After more prodding the Spawn of The Almighty exclaimed "Uh...millions of people worship me in different ways. I've got about a million names. There's incurable diseases, heinous crimes against humanity, senseless war and I'm still not sure how Carrot Top sells out Vegas every night. I'm the son of God...I've WON! Let it go already!"

Christianity, F--k yeah!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Say His Name Three Times: Candyman, Candyman, RALPH NADER!

One and the same to Democrats everywhere!

"One-two, Freddy's coming for you..." Little girls singing? Always scary. The piano plinks from the Halloween films can ruin a good pair of pants on a dark night. "I'll decide in a month." should have Democrats running through the woods and trying not to trip because it looks like Ralph Nader's coming and he'll soon be announcing it officially. The former Green Party and Reform Party presidential candidate is back to leave voters confused and the Democratic party shivering and bloody in the corner with a torn dress and one missing high heel shoe.

Nader in Montreal for an interview with CBC radio's "Daybreak", said "What I'm deciding on right now is whether we can get enough volunteers, enough financial resources, to overcome the huge ballot-access obstacles, which you don't experience here in Canada, but which are the worst in the Western world in the United States." He then went on to say "It's just fun messing sh-t up. I try to do it every four years."

Analysts in the know say that Nader single handedly took enough votes from Al Gore in 2000 to usher in the Bush era in the White House. Democrats also blame him for sabotaging Kerry in '04. Republicans are already sending him booze, gift cards from the Sharper Image and an assload of fruit baskets.

The race needs you Ralph!!
I Had a Dream..and There Were Chicks In It

While stumping on the campaign trail for the Hillabot 2000, former President Bill Clinton reminded black voters how important they were to them by falling asleep during a Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial Service at the Convent Avenue Baptist Church in Harlem. "Black guy stuff is cool and all" said the former leader of the free world. He also added "but sometimes...ya know, they talk too long. As soon as they started "raising the roof" I was gonna get up out of my seat and "testify" or whatever it is they do."

He once famously told Dan Rather in a 60 Minutes interview "If I can take a nap, even 15 or 20 minutes in the middle of the day, it is really invigorating to me. On the days when I'm a little short of sleep, I try to work it out so that I can sneak off and just lie down for 15 minutes, especially after getting ya know "serviced"? Jesus, a real good one turns the old legs into linguini, know what I mean?" This is not the first time Clinton has slept at public events. Besides nodding off at a televised NY Mets game he also slept through Ronald Reagan's Funeral.
Winehouse Moves Up In Jebus Dead Pool

They tried to make her got to rehab she said: "Pass that sh*t!" Like a presidential candidate with backing from Oprah, Chuck Norris and Tom Brady, UK coke receptacle Amy Winehouse jumped to the top of the HMJ Dead Pool with her latest drug fueled episode.

Winehouse was caught on video trying to make the world forget Robert Downey Jr. as she took pulls on a rock-filled, glass pipe in front of friends at a party in her UK flat. Beacon of journalistic virtue,
The Sun also claimed she snorted powdered ecstacy and cocaine during her 19 minute tribute to Bobby Brown. To make sure she had all her bases covered, the "Rehab" singer then told her guests she'd be unable to go out with them because she had swallowed six valium as well.

Jebus odds makers put her at 4-1 to not make it to the end of the year. "Britney is crazy. Lohan is more likely to get something nasty in her undercarriage than bite it...unless she's driving. This Winehouse chick though is "crack crazy"! said the bookie "She's becoming the New England Patriots of self-destruction. She's Artie Lange with breasts!" Well, smaller ones...

Monday, January 21, 2008

Cloverfield Tops Box Office In Spite Of Itself

As a testament to my "It's the hormones in the meat" theory, Cloverfield tops the box-office this weekend with a whopping $46M take making it the largest January opening ever! The Blair Witch meets Godzilla schlockfest ran away with the receipts knocking Morgan Freeman/Jack Nicholson "Cancer, F--k Yeah!" fest, The Bucket List all the way to number three.

Cloverfield, the story about a monster that takes out its frustration on New York is a steaming pile of cliche culled from the mind of JJ Abrams, creator of Alias. The film shot in "shaky-cam" style like it's witch themed predecessor, succeeds in reaching new heights in mediocrity. With no-name, American Eagle Outfitters catalogue models in the lead roles, lines like "Run! run! run!", "What is that thing?" and "I saw it. It's alive. It's huge!" are delivered with such ferocity that Academy members are kicking themselves for having to waste a vote on such drivel as
No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood.

"We're like sooo not gonna get to see The Hills tonight, right?"