Friday, January 18, 2008

NooseWeek: Golfweek Magazine Says: "So...This Hanging Thing Really Happened, Huh?"

Note to automotive companies: If there's a crash test dummy opening, look out for that Dave Seanor resume! Seanor was removed as vice preident and editor of Golfweek magazine after approving a cover with a noose on it in relation to the Tiger Woods/Kelly Tilghman debacle. Turnstile Publishing, the parent company of the magazine moved swiftly in relieveing the one-time VP of all his duties. President William J. Kupper stated: "We were trying to convey the controversial issues with a strong and provocative graphic image. It is now obvious that the overall reaction to our cover deeply offended many people. For that, we are deeply apologetic." he also noted "We've decided to put our "Burning Cross" Black History Month Issue on hold until we can get a feel for the public's reaction."

As it was reported last week Tilghman a Golf Network anchor, was suspended for two weeks after her "lynch him in an alley" comment set off a firestorm of controversy culminating in disciplinary action against her at the behest of "Permed Prince of Political Correctness" Al Sharpton . This latest episode casts a shadow over the magazine which is dedicated to a sport that's been around for 552 years and has acknowledged the abilities of black people and even women for at least 15. "This is unacceptable and while I'm happy he was disciplined, I'm disappointed in the loss of face time for me." said the civil-rights activist. Sharpton then went on to say "I just hope I get a "fired whitey" credit for this. That was mine man, how did I miss that?"

That check's made out to "Cash", right?

Sharpton said his National Action Network will have meetings with Turnstile Publishing over the next few weeks but he hopes it doesn't interfere with him stopping black people from eating at White Castle which is his latest cause. "I go there all the time and white people don't even work there." he railed. "Free burgers would be a band-aid on a gunshot wound but it's a start."

*Special Thanks to TFitz @ TheFwoosh

AP To Britney: You're In Our "Dead Pool"

Thanks, ma!

Proving that Lynne Spears isn't the only one who could give a crap about her, Associated Press entertainment editor Jesse Washington admitted yesterday that the AP already has an obituary printed for Britney Spears. The reasoning being that Spears' recent behavior has her in the "at-risk" category. "We would never wish any type of misfortune on anybody and hope that we would never have to use it until 50 years from now, but if something were to happen, we would have to be prepared and damnit, we want to be first!" said Washington. "Besides, she's been tongue kissing the reaper for a few years now. Every guy she's with is closer to sprouting bat wings and eating a new born child than the last one. Sheesh, have you seen this new guy draggin her drug-addled ass around? If she's dangling over the pit of doom on a rope, this douche has the scissors." The AP also noted that the practice is common and that it's been so for years. "Christ, I lose money every year on Andy Dick!" said an Associated Press staffer. "He's either part Irish or a cat! Death should just take the loss with this guy 'cause it ain't happenin'!"

Andy Dick: Still ducking the Reaper.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Smile, You've Got Jimmy Hats!

LifeStyles condoms looks to revolutionize the photo booth with it's new "Makeout Booths" premiering today at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah. "Condom-dispensing machines have always been a nightlife fixture," said LifeStyles spokeswoman Carol Carrozza. "LifeStyles is essentially combining the concept of a condom dispenser with a black-and-white photo booth as a playful means to promote safe sex." It was not clear if the booths contained a "miss the entire toilet with your projectile vomit" or "It's 3:45AM, where's the fat, drunk girl?" feature as those two instances have also long been a "nightlife fixture".

Skip Tenneman: "Dude, just point me at the booth! I'm ready!"

The booths are said to be hitting New York City in February and roofie-pushing frat boys are chomping at the bit. "So, two people can fit in there huh?" said Brent Masterson. "Back in the day, we used to have to find a bathroom or a dark corner in the club. Sometimes it was hard to find a place to prop them up but this's got fricken seats! Sweet!" noted Skip Tenneman a fifth year senior at a local New York City college.

Thanks LifeStyles!

Technorati Profile
Eddie Murphy And Wife Split, Wedding Guests Get Whiplash

With a time that would make Marion Jones smile but Britney Spears laugh at his ineptiude, Eddie Murphy and "wife" Tracey Edmonds have split after just two weeks. The Norbit star released a statement saying: "After much consideration and discussion, we have jointly decided that we will forego having a legal ceremony as it is not necessary to define our relationship further," it then went on to ask exactly how many Spice Girls are left and if they "swirl".

Shreks' favorite jackass "married" Edmonds after an affair with Spice Girl, Mel B. (Melanie Brown) which lasted just long enough for her to learn how to spell his last name and spit out a kid. The transvestite hookers best friend then went on to deny the child was his until Brown Maury-ed his ass with a paternity test. An unnanmed Murphy rep said: "I think he's figuring out it's cheaper to grow a beard then to keep marrying 'em."

"Thas jus' my baby daddy!"
Total Re-Cow: FDA Says It's OK To Buy Cloned Meat & Milk

"Eet ees like meat but you know, a clone?"

A team of Ahnuld's scriptwriters couldn't have done it any better but the FDA says that it is now OK to buy the meat of cloned animals. The United States Department of Agriculture has asked the farmers to keep the meat of the genetic perversions off the market because of concerns over customer fears. "Even though it is safe and the sale of it has been approved, we are worried about things like mass hysteria and additional appendages." said an USDA flack. When asked if he himself had a problem with cloned meats consumption he resonded: "Who, me? Oh I don't eat that sh--, because...well, you know...because?"

Although the meat was declared safe to eat in October of 2007, it wasn't until yesterday that the administration gave a green light to the sale of it. Cloned livestock farmer, Willard "Willie" Haskins of Kentucky adds "Shoot, meat is meat. I thought weird stuff would happen when I first ate cloned meat but nothing out of the ordinary has really happened." He then went on to say "Other than this little thing right here on my arm, I feel fine. Sumbitch still itches and my nose bleeds when I clap but that coulda come from anywhere ya know?"

"Willie" can you hear me?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Mitt Hits The Fan: Romney Wins In Daddy's Backyard

"Thanks for your support honey...and honey...and you too honey!"

Latter Day Saints be praised, Mitt Romney notched a victory over John McCain in his home state of Michigan last night to be come the front runner du jour for the Republican Party. According to media outlets, Romney beat John McCain by a nine percent margin garnering 39 percent of the vote to McCain's 30. Rudy "I Was There On 9/11" Giuliani also registered a whopping 3 percent of the vote!

"Tonight marks the beginning of a comeback for America," Romney said "You got out and told America what they needed to hear....and that know my dad the GOVERNOR used to work here, right? Kill brown people! No gays...and oil money for everyone! Well not all of you but, you guys know who I'm talking to...uh... Whooo!" He was then quickly ushered off stage.

Artist rendition of how it may have looked at the Michigan voting booths.

Analysts say the Romeny Wives played a big part in the outcome. "All he did was tell his wives to get to the polls." said one shaken volunteer. "It looked like the final battle in 300! I can't find my sister! Has anyone seen my sister?" South Carolina's polygamy laws may play a big part in Saturday's primary.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Show Me The Nutty: Tom Loves Being A 'Tologist!

"And then we'll deplete your planets' natural resources! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Mr. Katie Holmes delights the masses in a new leaked "Scientology, F--k Yeah!" promotional video. Tom Cruise has finally proven what we here at HMJ have known all along. Humanity is weird and Scientology is the norm. The tape is a medley of a zealots gretest hits (cue the scroll) including

  • "Now is the time. Being a Scientologist, people are turning to you, so you better know it. You better know it. And if you don't, go learn it. But don't pretend you know it -- or whatever -- we're here to help."

  • "If you're a scientologist, you see things they way they are, in all its glory, in all its complexity."

  • "I do what I can and I do it the way I do everything [laughs maniacally]. There's nothing part of the way for me [slaps knee]. It's just whoooo [moves hand upward in rocket motion]." *Jesus, he's made it easy for me today!-AM

and my personal favorite:

  • "It's too late we're here. We're in your schools, political offices, everywhere. We're eating brains and taking names...or eating names and taking brains. Gleep, glorp nyaack nyaack nyaaaack! Ack! Ack! Ack!

Attempting to view the video at Youtube will get you this message: This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by Church of Scientology International

We here at HMJ would just like to that'd you get in here? It's true these mother fu-...

Due to unfortunate circumstances, Help Me Jebus! is done for today...
Jenna Jameson Finally Closes Shop And Legs

The flags at Astroglide Headquarters in Vista, California are flying at half mast today as news of Jenna Jameson's retirement spread like a biblically virulent case of mega herpes on the set of one of her films. Over the weekend at the AVN Adult Movie Awards, "America's Petrie Dish" called it a career saying: "I will never ever spread my legs again in this industry ever." which is the equivalent of Bobby Brown saying he's had enough cocaine. Jameson then went on to say she will focus on her web business, her relationship with Mixed Martial Arts fighter Tito Ortiz and try to do things like eat a sandwhich every six months because it's something she remembers as being "fun".

Spankmasters everywhere remember her fondly from her stellar adult film debut in Up and Cummers 10. Her rise to the top was meteoric with some people referring to her as the "greatest pornstar that ever lived" which is like telling someone they have the cutest crippling disfigurement. She became the highest grossing adult star ever earning $60,000 per film and up to $25,000 a night for "dancing". "When it smelled like a bunch of rubber tires on fire, we knew Jenna was in the building and she was gettin' busy!" said Wayne "Drippy" Cummings, a production assistant on most of her films. "She'll be missed here at the clinic." said a physician on the grounds of anonimity "I bought a Rolls and an inground pool on the penicilin money alone...bless her man. God bless her."

Jenna'a Meatbags: Mulling a solo career

The first man to climb Mount Everest died this week at 88. We were going to do a piece on Sir Edmund Hillary but for all his vast accomplishments, he never did 12 guys with no lube.

God bless Jenna indeed!

Monday, January 14, 2008

The 3 R's: Roidin', Rappin & R&B, Entertainers Named In Steroid Investigation

Senator Mitchell, look what ya done started? This weekend in a stunning revelation form an Albany-based steroid investigation, several rappers and entertainers were named in a list of possible steroid users or recipients. The list includes rappers 50 Cent, Timbaland and Wyclef Jean, R&B songstress Mary J. Blige and even writer/producer/director Tyler Perry. Sources say that officials are worried that the G-Unit rapper and others may have used the performance enhancing drugs to get an advantage on their contemporaries. "Hey, if these guys are using these things to say "f--k" with more emphasis, call women "hoes" or throw money at strippers with a greater degree of contempt than let's say Nelly or someone like that then no, it isn't fair and that's when the government steps in!"

Well, she is "big boneded"...

The investigation launched last year by Albany DA, David Soares looks to identify primary sources of steroid trafficking. Law enforcement officials have said the entertainers haven't broken any laws but "Would you care if it was Rico Schwartz and Tyrone Johnson? It's frickin' 50 Cent, this is awesome!" said the offical on the grounds of anonymity. Representatives of the entertainers had no comment so HMJ took to the streets and surveyed the damage.

Look at those arms. The "J" stands for juiced!

At the Virgin Megastore in Times Square, "Kip" Sanford-Wentworthington shooed his driver away to weigh in on the situation. "If these guys did that then it's wrong. When Kip Jr. is in the Hamptons for the summer doing drugs and blasting their music he has a right to know if "Fitty" called a woman or another rapper for that matter a "bitch-ass n-word" without any help. What does that say to the children?" Another mother chimed in "How can I look at my 12 year old daughter and tell her that when they "Make It Rain" on the "hoes" the guys doing it may have an edge over the average rapper? And what about the "hoes" are they checking them? Those ba-donkadonks are abnormal too. God help us all!" she then turned away to choke back tears.