Friday, January 11, 2008

Kerry Disses Edwards: "Barack's The Man Now, Dawg!"

"I got your back, dawg!"

In a move that surely sent John Edwards for a loop, John Kerry showed up in Charleston South Carolina with his Obama bandwagon ticket clenched tightly in his fist. The '04 bridesmaid said: "I believe more than anyone else, Barack Obama can help our country turn the page and get America moving by uniting and ending the division we have guys know I was in Vietnam, right?” He then went on to say that Obama's perceived lack of experience is irrelevant due to the fact that he hasn't picked a running mate and "for the next couple of months this man will not be able to break wind without having to ask me to move my face...anybody remember Vietnam? This guy...I was all up in there!"

A somber Edwards when asked about Kerry's seeming betrayal shrugged and said: "Ah you know, you do things sometimes for people. And they take it from you anyway they can. Savagely and unmercifully they take, take, take! Then when they're finished with you, they toss you aside and never call you. And you're hurt and you don't exactly know why. Your manhood has been taken and you shake and cry alot. Then they tell all their friends what they did to you and those guys call you because they want to do the same to you." When reminded that the question was about Kerry supporting Obama instead of him, Edwards questioned: "John Kerry did what now?"
B.A. Baracus - Mr. T + Ice Cube = WTF?

Reports out of Hollywood are saying that Ice Cube has snagged the role of B.A. Baracus in John Singleton's big screen adaption of the popular 80's series, The A-Team. The man who brought you F--- tha Police and then starred in the kiddie camp fest Are We There Yet? will only say: "I can't say that I'm gonna be [B.A. yet] because it's still up to Fox, the people who have the movie," he said recently while in New York promoting his new film." "But John Singleton hit me — I believe he's gonna direct. If he directs it, I have a great chance of doing B.A. And yeah, I'd cut it. I'd get it[his signature afro] into a Mohawk!"

The show was about AWOL Vietnam Vets working as soldiers of fortune on the run from the government and starred George Peppard, Dirk Benedict, Dwight Schultz and Mr. T as the burly and imposing Baracus. It will be interesting to see what the star of XXX: This Sucks More Than The First One will bring to the role as the diminutive and doughy rapper is a far cry from the "pee in your pants scary" and chiseled original. Hollywood seems to be subscribing to the stereotype of as long as a black guy doesn't smile, he's SCARY!

What a Mr. T visit to the set of the new A-Team movie may look like.

What Hollywood seems to not remember is that while the A-Team is a fondly remembered show, it was bad. This movie could either be Bewitched or...are there any good TV to movie translations? I have some burning questions though: Will Cube punch a guy and they fly ten feet? Will the team unload enough rounds to take down a football field full of elephants and still not hit anyone? And most importantly, will somebody's car flip 5 times and then they'll walk away woozily before it explodes like it was packed with 25 pounds of TNT?

If you're listening Hollywood: Small Wonder: The Movie starring Dakota Fanning but make her murder the entire family. Pass the popcorn!
WGA Strike Kills Golden Globes This Sunday, Billy Bush Will Read...No Seriously, He Can

With a little help from the 2007–08 Writers Guild of America strike, NBC has figured out how to put a halt to overlong awards shows filled with mind numbing banter and vacant acceptance speeches: Have mind numbingly vacant people read off a list of winners! Joining a growing list of examples of collateral damage from the WGA strike is the 65th Golden Globe Awards which would have been held Sunday January 13, live on television. In its stead, the network plans a special Globe-themed Dateline show hosted by Matt Lauer from 7 to 9PM. It will be followed by a "press conference" in which Access Hollwood finger puppets, Nancy O'Dell and Billy "Captain Nepotism" Bush will read off a list of the "winners".

A nominated actor on the grounds of anonimty said: "The Golden what now? Oh those? there's a party that night, is that what that's for?" The network tried to postpone the awards but the Hollywood Foreign Press Association and Dick Clark productions would not budge. An HFPA rep commented "If the studios think I'm giving back my "No Country For Old Men" drink coasters or my "Kite Runner" mouse pad, they're out of their frickin' minds!"

The Golden Globes are the Tito Jackson of awards shows and are worthy of respect only slightly higher than that given to the People's Choice and Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards.
Anchor Lynched for saying "Lynch": Sharpton And The "Word Police" Strike Again!

The most intolerant advocate of tolerance ever to walk the earth is at it again! Al "Watch Your Mouth" Sharpton has rallied his troops in an effort to lay an "Imus" on Golf Channel personality Kelly Tilghman. During coverage of the Mercedes Benz Championship, Tilghman engaging in some broadcast booth banter with colleague Nick Faldo, said that if other golfers hoped to compete with Tiger Woods they should "gang up on him and lynch him in an alley" in order to have a sporting chance. The comments set off a firestorm forcing Sharpton to stop schmoozing for free schwag, donations and assisting felons and to get medievil on her ass. The network responded by suspending her for two weeks.

Al and "sis" Ann Coulter at the Satan Family Reunion/Barbecue Of Souls

In a statement released by the Ultra-Perm pitchman, he noted: "It's not about Tiger Woods. It's about the station. It's about using public airwaves to offend people," Also adding. "Some things are beyond the pale of discussion. Everyone knows that if you say something, everyone better like it and if they don't you better make a donation to my church!" He went on to say it showed a deep seeded racism in the sportscaster and an apology may not be enough, and that she should be fired. Sharpton also said that the Golf Channel can expect his National Action Network to picket their offices in Orlando, Florida and if there are cameras there to expect him as well. This comes despite a statement released from Woods' camp saying that her statements were not perceived to be racist in tone or intent.

Letter-Man: Putting the "w" in "white racists".

Seeing a need to control what comes out of people's mouths, the reverend has lauched an all out war on the English language. Even going so far as to target former Electric Company mascot, Letter-Man. Citing his ability to "put words together" as "sowing the seeds of racism." On the NAN's "You Can't Say That Anymore" agenda are the following offensive words or phrases:

  • fat
  • straight haired ho
  • curly but not quite nappy headed ho
  • ho ho ho
  • retard
  • the
  • it


  • disingenuous ambulance chasing publicity whore race baiter who never apologized for falsely accusing a man of rape and sodomy

Go get 'em, Al!

Anti-Smoking Pitchman is No Quitter...He Still Lights Up!

You would think two heart attacks before the age of 30 followed by a subsequent stroke and an amputation would deter someone from poisoning themselves. Well not Skip Legault! The NY State Department of Heaths' latest anti-tobacco boogie man, still smokes 'em while he's got 'em to the tune of a half a pack a day! All this while being on medication for smoking related blood clots. The long-time tobacco addict tells the New York Daily News that the state department was aware that he still smoked but conveniently left it out of his commercial.

The ad features the amputee lamenting about how he started smoking at 8 and he hasn't been able to shake the habit for 40 years. It then goes on to warn viewers to not let smoking ruin their lives like it did his. When reached for comment outside of their offices about this painfully large omission, a DOH representative pointed off in the distance and said: "What's that over there?" as we turned around to look he ran like an Olympic sprinter.

Tobacco lobbyist let out a collective: "Heh-heh...yeah..." upon hearing about this report.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Bush says: No Guns For Felons Or The Mentally Ill...But They Can Run Like Cheap Pantyhose For Political Office

In an unprecedented and bold move yesterday, Congress passed its first gun control legislation in 12 years! George Bush signed off on a bill that would expand the federal database used to screen gun buyers in order to "Findify felons and the mentally ill." as the Dumbander-In-Chief decreed. Unless of course the mentally ill person was never diagnosed as being so and has no record of behavioral instability which would leave them free to buy anything short of a rocket launcher.

Surprisingly, The Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence and the National Rifle Association are on the same side in this argument but not everyone in Washington is all smiles. Kristen Rand of the Violence Policy Center said there is "far more bad in this bill than good." Due mostly to the fact that there are some provisions to restore gun owning priviledges to some people who could not own before but now pass the "crazy" criteria. Asked if the organization's support for the bill was a sign of a new willingness to work with gun control groups, an NRA spokesman offered this lengthy response: "No."

Clem "Sleep foot" Winifred: Half past crazy but sane enough to buy a gun.

Ass-kicking God bless America.

It Took 2 Drinks To Get In, It'll Take 9 Months To Get Out: Pamela Anderson Pregnant, Boots The Baby Daddy

A boob joke? Too easy.
Pamela Anderson baffled scientists again with the anouncement that she's pregnant. As blackholes yield nothing, this is truly an unexplained phenomena. "We were always lead to believe that it[her um...thingie] possessed corrosive attributes not unlike the queen in the Alien movies." said a Nobel Prize winning chemist. "We were stunned to learn that it [her...ya know?] was still capable of giving life."

Anderson also decided to boot protein supplier to the stars, Rick Salomon. Originally filing last month, Anderson may have wanted to make sure all that baby juice reached its destination before giving Rick the heave ho. Lynne Spears, lock 'em up baby! If Bin Laden were skank trim, Salomon would've found him seven years ago!
"I Am Looney": Will Smith Probably, Definitely Might Be Scientologist

The vacuum sound you're hearing is Will Smith's free will being sucked from his body. Yes people, "it" has happened. Long suspected of being a Scientolojoke, The Fresh Prince confirmed it during the "wrap party" for his film Hancock by giving cast and crew a card for a free personality test( *cough* frontal labotomy) at their participating Scientology center.

Smith who recently went on record as saying: " all of the experiences I've had with Tom [Cruise] and Scientology, like, 98 percent of the principles are identical to the principles of the Bible. The Bible says, Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And you know, there's a Scientology principle: Do not create experiences for others that they cannot comfortably perceive." has always been abiguous as to his level of involvement with the House of Hubbard. This latest gift giving incident seems to confirm what many have suspected for some time: Tom Cruise is an evil, miniature space wizard with an unyielding plan to conquer earth and no man, woman or rapper turned actor will stop him!

While his people refuse to comment on the issue, Smith's recent choice in headgear leaves little doubt about who he's rolling with.

Little Gleep Glorp McKibben models his new "Will Smith Fresh Brain Protector" released by the "church".

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Dr. Phil Backs Off Of Spears Exploit-A-Thon, Family Says He Betrayed Them

Jamie and Lynne Spears put their "good parent" hats on for the "Today" show as they slammed Oprah stooge, Dr. Phil for what they call an act of betrayal and a breach of trust which is pretty much the same thing. The family alleges that after meeting with their wackjobalicious daughter, he irresponsibly released a statement on her condition and then tried to exploit her with his ill advised and dropped at the last minute, "intervention" show. Spears family rep, Lou Taylor also went on to say that while McGraw did bring up the subject of an intervention show, the family nixed the idea in belief that it would be detrimental to their daughter. "We have mortgages to pay, boats to buy and BS parenting books to hawk. There isn't enough left of my daughter to go around for him to exploit, she's exclusively ours to exploit." Lynne Spears passionately proclaimed. "You can find out my side of the story when the book "It's Not My Fault, My Daughters Are Easy" comes out in March for only $19.95!"

The douche that ate the canary.

With Oprah Winfrey stumping for Obama, Dr. Phil was unavailable for comment as there was no hand up his ass to make his lips move.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

ESPN Rewards Man For Sloth, Children In 3rd World Countries Still Eat Flies

"The potato's real and I'm chucking it in the garbage! Take that Feed The Children!"

Stan Friedman outlasted the competition last week when he spent 29 hours seated, watching sports and eating. Last week ESPN Zone in New York city had its 1st Annual Ultimate Couch Potato contest and Friedman who works upstairs from the restuarant bested four other Big Apple residents including one female participant, Lindsey Wagenblast. Second place finisher Nate Lopez of Queens lost when his bladder chock full of salty, greasy snacks and diet soda could take no more as he ran out before the alotted bathroom break. For his "athleticism", Friedman will go home with: a 42" HDTV, a recliner, a years worth of ESPN the Magazine, $200 in Zone game cards and a false sense of accomplishment. "I've always wanted to be the best at something and I figured this would be the easiest to be the best at." said the future gout candidate.

The competition was broadcast on ESPN and was seen in many countries where eating regularly and watching TV are a dream that many die never realizing. News spread all the way to the Sudan where Mbutu Mtume had this to say through a translator: "So, in your country you eat and relax as competition? And people are rewarded for it? Wonderful! Would you like to share in this bowl of boiled leaves and larvae? It's the village delicacy."

There's No Crying In...Aww, Nevermind...

Hillary Clinton was able to override her Terminator programming yesterday with an uncharacteristic display of human emotion. When asked "how grueling it was to be a candidate" and "Who does your hair?", Clinton semi-broke down uttering: "It's not's not easy,". Her surprising humanity won over the audience in Portsmouth, NH causing resident Allison Hamilton to declare "That was the clincher," and that now Clinton would get her full support. She also blurted out "I like Pop Tarts and unicorns!" for no apparent reason. Others simply wondered aloud "Where'd she get tear ducts from?" and exactly how many first born children were sacrificed in order for her to have the ability to "cry", as it were.

Political analysts say this is reminiscent of the Edmund Muskie debacle of '72 in which the then presidential hopeful crumbled under the weight of public scrutiny of his wife's drinking, smoking and swearing. Muskie then cried like a fat kid in gym class as he spoke publicly in defense of his wife from a flatbed truck in front of the offices of the Union Leader, a local newspaper. This seriously damaged his public standing and he quickly faded, dropping out of the race in April of that year.

The waterworks have had little effect as Barack Obama heads into the primary with a 9% lead.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Tom Brady Wins 2007 NFL MVP, Says: "I Impregnate Hot Actresses And Bang Models, But Thanks For The Hardware!"

In what should come as a surprise to the helmet and short bus set, New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady rampaged his way to the 2007 Associated Press NFL MVP Award on Saturday. The Pats QB won with an astounding 49 of 50 votes. Three time MVP and Green Bay Packers legend, Brett Favre, received the other vote which was said to be cast by someone who went by the name of Not Bridget Moynahan.

Everybody's All-American said: "I am grateful to all of the voters for any consideration I was given. It is a tremendous honor and I am sure it is one that my family will one day look back on with great pride." He then went on to add: "Seriously though, who else were you gonna give it to? My team's probably gonna go 19-0. I've seen more A-list tail than a Beverly Hills gynecologist and I could probably endorse "Al Qaeda Flakes" and people would buy them. I'm Tom Brady, bitch!"

We here at HMJ would like to say that Tom Brady is a douchebag and we hate him and the entire Patriots team. He's an extremely lucky douche of mythic proportions. The kind that the Japanese would make a cartoon about featuring five robots that turn into him. Chuck Norris' grandchildren will be told Tom Brady stories. The man has such good fortune, if he tripped walking down the street, he'd fall face first into Scarlett Johansson's vagina. Yeah...lucky like that!

He's also a pretty good, quarterback.

Congratulations Tom!
National Treasure On Top For THIRD Straight Week At The Box Office, God Threatens Retirement

"Respectable acting career's gotta be in here somewhere..."

Another week, another first place finish for Disney and Nicolas Cage with National Treasure: Book of Secrets! The Mensa fest held on to the top spot at the box office this weekend with an estimated $20.2M Giving the film an overall $171M take and cementing it's place as a true testament to the mind numbing stupidity of filmgoers across the country.

The Almighty: Not a happy camper at all.

The surprisingly strong showing has elicited a response from the Almighty himself who claimed: "Oh come on, you gotta be kidding me! Three weeks? How did I let that happen?" he then went on to say "Floods have ravaged villages and famine has devestated continents but come on, help me out people it''s stupid! The frickin' thing is just stupid...Chuck Heston making water part is a stretch but your "founding fathers" having the foresight to hide treasure all over the country? Your "founding fathers" were too busy stealing land and making mulatto babies with their slaves...come on! This happens again I'm outta here...swear to frickin' me, I'm gone. Then we'll see how you like it!"

With Cloverfield not opening for another week, the All Powerful may be headed for some downtime.
Now It's Amy's Turn To Take A Shot In The Face

As if the words Amy Fisher and class weren't already synonymous, the Long Island Ho-lita and her dirty old man husband were at ReTox bar in New York City last Thursday to celebrate the release of "Amy Fisher: Even Murderous Whores Can Be Celebrities". A sextape made by the couple just before they were allegedly "estranged" and angry hubby Lou Ballera "leaked" the tape. Red Light District Video, the distributers of such sterling cinema like 1 Night in Paris and 1 Night in China are handling the distribution of Joey Buttafuoco's latest spank material.

Red Light District Scrapped This Cover Art At The Last Minute

Son of Sam law be damned! The video shows Fisher doing what she does best...taking a pounding from a man almost old enough to be her father. In an ironic case of "pot, meet kettle", she also repeatedly refers to her private area as her uh..."c-word." She goes on to call Ballera her "daddy" and asks him several times if he wanted to stick it in her um..."c-word."

Sigmund Freud is hurling in his grave.

Answer to your question: Yes, I saw it for free almost two months ago. The boys at Red Light are slow on the upkeep. However, people buy water and you can get that for free too.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Hillary Reeling In The Wake Of Obama Luther King, Republicans High Fiving

"What the...When the HELL did he start talking like that?"

After a stunning defeat at the hands of Barack Obama, the Clinton Campaign team is scrambling for a new strategy. Fear that their "President By Injection" initiative is backfiring has caused them to focus on other ways to attack the front runner. On Friday at the 100 Club party fund raiser in Milford, NH, Clintons comment of: "Some people think you make change by "hoping" for it." was met with boos and chants of "O-Ba-Ma!" This has caused many insiders to speculate that the former first lady is cankle-deep in trouble.

What's surprising is how they have yet to attack the change in Obama's cadence. He started the campaign with the basic speech pattern that didn't seperate him from the pack. However, by Iowa he seemed to be sampling late civil rights leader Martin Luther King. His "They saaaaaid, it coudn't happen.." speech was eerily reminiscent of the oratory style of the great leader. Sources say that the surviving King family members will seek royalties from Obama if he persists in mimicking the mannerisms of their deceased patriarch in an attempt to woo voters with a sense of '60's, civil-rights nostalgia.

As of this writing, Camp Clinton has hired super producer Kanye West to help Hillary sample great speakers of the past. In a statement realesed by West he says: "Barack Obama does not care about dead people. Neither do I. In fact, I've got a platinum toilet bowl in my house for plundering the talents of the deceased and others so why not do it to political figures too?" A camp advisor on the grounds of anonimity stated: "We told him we kinda want a mash-up of JFK and Malcolm X. A little something for everybody, ya know?"

Republicans have taken a wait and see attitude in all of this. "Right now, we're like the guy in the schoolyard who watches from the sidelines as the two bullies fight." said a political observer in the know. "Hopefully, they'll destroy each other and then we'll steamroll in and crush anyone left standing. By god, they'll be praying global warming does us in before we get another four years in the White House!" Longtime GOP supporter, Emperor Palpatine simply cackled: "Good." as he rubbed his hands together.
Palpatine: Still pulling strings from behind the scenes.