Real Douchebags Angered By Kanye West Comparison










(l) Helpful douche (r) Hurtul "douche"

Millions of Taylor Swift fans aren't the only ones offended by Mr. West's latest award show antics. It seems the feminine hygiene community is up in arms at the constant comparisons to the Louis Vitton Don. Vin Ager, an attorney claiming to speak on behalf of "millions of real douchebags everywhere" fired off a scathing letter to the press:


For years now the actions of Mr. Kanye West have been attributed to "douchebag behavior", "acting like or being a douche" or "douche-y". Let the record show that since the 1800's we have helped wash away things almost as foul as Mr. West himself and we ask at this time that he no longer be identified as being a "douchebag". He hasn't now or ever been one of us. If you want to identify him with anything we suggest:

• Scumbag-because catching semen is a crap job


• Asshole-with his mouth being reminiscient of one as it produces shit

or

• Extremely lucky, arrogant vocoder using, obnoxious and questionably talented fucktard...unless there are also objections from the fucktard community.

If we have to be identified with untalented celebrities we would like to keep it limited to harmless "douches" like John Gosselin, Spencer Pratt or any male reality star on VH-1.

Thank you.

Story developing...

Worldnet Daily Says: "God Doesn't Want Change"

God Says: "I Never Said That!"

A vote for Obama is a vote for eternal damnation says Janet Porter of conservative e-rag WorldNetDaily. According to a post that promises everything short of a plague of locusts and exploding genetalia, Porter says the good book has forseen the end of civilization with an Obama win.

Here is an excerpt:

To all those who name the name of Christ who plan to willfully disobey Him by voting for Obama, take warning. Not only is our nation in grave danger, according to the Word of God, so are you.

First, the facts on life: On July 17, 2007, Barack Obama spoke to Planned Parenthood and said:
On this fundamental issue of [abortion rights], I will not yield and Planned Parenthood will not yield. ... The first thing I'll do as president is sign the Freedom of Choice Act. That's the first thing that I'd do. ...

And what is the "Freedom of Choice Act"? It would completely federalize the abortion issue and strike down all state laws from parental notification to the Woman's Right to Know Laws to bans on partial-birth abortion, declaring them null and void with the stroke of an Obama pen.

In one week, America will make a choice. And to those who call themselves "Christian" who are planning on voting for Barack Obama, put down the Obama talking points and read God's voter guide before you go to the polls:

I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live (Deuteronomy 30:19).

But you think this issue doesn't matter? God felt so strongly about it that he carved it in stone:

You shall not murder (Exodus 20:13).
Think you can love God and still vote against life? In John 14:15, Jesus said:
If you love Me, keep My commandments.
Yes, and "Thou shall not murder" made the top 10.

(L) An artists inetrpretation of New York City shortly after an Obama win. (R) the "really scary stuff"

Porter goes on to rant about God making food taste bad and by his divinity forcing every radio station to play "the hip-hop" as she calls it, on an infinite basis. "How could God have let a bla...non-Christian get so far in a race for the most important seat in America?" lamented the card carrying McCainiac. "I think it was a test and now he's waiting to drop the big one on us. Famine, pestilence, interracial gay couples...people having to live within their means. It's coming...coming I tell you. And people wanna vote for this?..buncha stupid bastards."

When finally reached for comment, the almighty was livid. "When? When did I say this stuff and to who? And why? That country isn't even on the biggest continent in the world!" said the creator of pretty much everything. "Look, I got alot of things going on and I don't have time to be linked to every threat that humanity places against each other. What about Vishnu? He never said anything about damning anyone right? Buddha, Shiva and Gleep Glorp or whoever the f-ck Scientologists pray to love everyone right? ...tired of this shit!"

The Almighty: "Tired of this shit!"

RECESSION SCHMECESSION, I'M RICH BITCH!

“In these tough economic times, Americans should be more cautious with their money and shy away from frivolous spending.” This is advice that super-douche, Jet fan David Findel took a steaming dump on as he secured the rights to $400,000 seats on the 50 yard line at the new Meadowlands Stadium opening in 2010.

Findel raised the stakes when the auction got as high as 140K for the two seats. The 43 year old owner of a Mortgage Lending firm…(no really, that’s what he does. call it irony or whatever…), put in the winning bid of $200K per seat in a silent auction. He chose to not be silent upon winning as he called the others in the room “Poor bastards!” and said he would “wipe his ass with all the default notices from the firm…BAILOUT BITCHES!”

"Who me? I'm broke."

When told of Findel’s windfall well known pop culture moneybags and philanthropist Monopoly Guy , stated “He did wha…does this guy watch the news? Are you f-cking kidding me?”

We Got Him, Ashley!

The "B" was for Bigfoot, beeyotch!

The plight of Ashley Todd, the McCain volunteer who cried “black guy” held the nation in a politically and racially charged chokehold for nearly 48 hours. Originally, the 20 year-old college student told Pittsburgh PD that she was accosted by a 6’4, 200 pound, African-American, card carrying Democrat who took umbrage at her support for John McCain and carved a symbolic “B” into her cheek to mark her as a “converted” Obama supporter. The story soon fell apart however, as Todd was unable to keep her stories straight and the search for a dyslexic left-wing nut was coming up short.


After several failed lie detector tests and consolatory calls from McCain and Palin as well as a statement from the Obama camp, she told the police that she had made up her black assailant and couldn’t remember much of the night. She was arrested and formerly charged with filing a false report.


Shortly after we received a startling phone call from the “real slasher” who wanted to come into our offices and speek exclusively to Help Me Jebus!

All he wants is his "props", he stated before he stormed out of the interview.

HMJ: Is there any reason why Todd was singled out?

BF: Other than the fact she was a slow runner? Look at that chick’s face.

HMJ: Did you want recognition and why thievery?

BF: First of all I didn’t steal anything. And secondly…I guess I was upset that people have forgotten about me. Sadaam’s dead. Nobody’s seen Bin Laden in 7 years but I’m still here, man. Shit, Google us and you’ll see both those guys are getting way more press than me. Why? I’m not dead. People swear they see me and take pictures all the time but I get nothing. I’m tired of it. Everybody’s getting a slice of the fame pie except “Ol’ Sassy”!

HMJ: Why the violent, backwards carving of the “B”

BF: Look man, I’m a Bigfoot! I crap in the woods and run from people with cameras, I never had time for schooling…I did the best I could. [he momentarily sobs but then quickly regains his composure] Let me ask you a question: “Who’s dumber the guy who can’t write letters so good or the dullard who mistakes me for a hairless, 6’4” black dude?” I’m at least 7 feet.

HMJ: Do you plan on turning yourself in?

BF: Nah man, screw that. I think I let the world know that I’m still here and people should be scared of me. I’ve been running for fifty years and they haven’t caught me yet! I’m not about to turn myself in! What up with that, Bin Laden?

HMJ: What upset you most about the coverage?

BF: The only thing that pisses me off is they tried to turn this into a political thing. I support neither party. They’ve never done anything for me or my kind and I don’t appreciate being a tool…I mean for either party because I’m so NOT a tool. And I hear Willie Horton had some shit to say too. Dude don't even try it, no one's heard from you in 20 years. That was my show!

Stone Says China Earthquake Was “Karma”, Karma Furious

Basic In-stank 3: Hot Flashes

Last week on the red carpet at the Cannes Film Festival (where the most level headed and relevant sound bites are recorded), Sharon Stone said she was torn about whether or not to do something for the victims of the devastating earthquake in China. In the wake of thousands of deaths, the Mensa member and star of Basic Instinct and the cleverly titled Basic Instinct 2 said she didn’t like how the Chinese treated her good friend the Dalai Lama. She was then quoted as saying “Then all this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice, that the bad things happen to you?"

"OK, I'm confused. Keep my pants up and keep my mouth closed?"

Her comments set off a firestorm with China immediately condemning her for her words. Then she got it in the wallet as Christian Dior removed her as the face of their Chinese campaign and released a statement that when translated in English read: "We don't agree with her hasty, unreflecting remarks and we deeply regret them,". Also adding “Dior was one of the first international brands to enter China and has won the affection and respect of the consuming public. We absolutely do not support any remark that hurts the Chinese people's feelings. This chick took a co-starring role in Catwoman. I mean Catwoman, are you f-ckin’ kidding me? She's toast! We swear!”

Karma: "It's not my fault all the time!"

However it was the centuries old symbol of getting what’s good for you, Karma who had the harshest words for the 50 year old trampoline. “Why is my name mentioned when bad shit happens? I do good things too. I don’t need this has-been actor associating me with the deaths of upwards of 80,000 people!” It then went on to add “Maybe it was “Karma”? No your last five movies was that! You think Cold Creek Manor just appeared out of thin air? You wait bitch. Keep saying my name and you’ll be in a movie getting second billing to the fat kid from Goonies…and he’s not even fat anymore so no one will really care if you’re in the film! They’ll just want to see how much weight the fat kid lost…bitch.”

Blade IV: Don't Drop The Soap, Snipes Gets 3 Years For Tax Evasion

Uh, no...one more finger Wes.

Hours before he was to be sentenced last Thursday for failing to file income taxes, Wesley Snipes cut the federal government three checks for $5 million and delivered them in court, according to reports. It meant about as much to the courts as a new Janet Jackson album means to anyone with taste in music because the IRS took the money and sentenced the star of Passenger 57 , White Men Can't Jump and the Blade series to 3 years in jail.


Snipes' $15 million payment took prosecutors by surprise. They initially declined to accept the cash, then had changed their mind by day's end. "I find it ironic and insulting that these Hollywood types think they can buy their way out of jail time." said a still stunned agent. "And this guy's black to boot. "Hello", you're rich but you're still a black guy right? This isn't being recorded is it?"


Reading from a prepared apology, Snipes told the court that he made "costly mistakes" like his last 5 direct-to-video films. And that he was the victim of crooked advisers, a liability of wealth and celebrity that attracts "wolves, jackals and "chicks that would never f-ck me if was a regular schmoe like you guys." His lawyer then asked if he was going to "real" jail or "Paris Hilton" jail.

Baby's First...Gang Initiation











Joseph Manzanares: Hopes to be there for his childs first "Break yo' self fool!"


When we have children sometimes we watch them when they sleep and wonder: "Will my kid be a surgeon? An athelete? What college is he or she going to?" Well Joseph Manzanares is a man of perspective and has no time for menial stuff like higher education. On Tuesday he was arrested in Commerece City, Colrado for showing up at the job of his child's mother to fight about WHICH GANG THEIR 4 YEAR-OLD SHOULD BELONG TO. Manzanares belongs to the Hispanic gang the West Side Ballers while the child's mother who is black, is a Crip. The incident shines a light on the latest plight facing Americans: Bi-gangsta children.


"We are seeing more of this everyday and it is having an effect on our youth gang culture in this country." said a social worker on the grounds of anonymity. "We have these bi-gangsta kids in our schools and it's very tough on them. They call them "Blips"(half Blood and half Crip) and they are constantly confused and berated by therir peers. Poor bastards walk around in red bandanas and blue flannel shirts and are constantly getting shot at by their own family members...they have no identity...other than ya know, being affiliated with murderers, rapists and drug dealers. It's sad." Commerce City Police Sgt. Joe Sandoval had a different more understanding take on the whole matter. After speaking with the childs' mother who was not identified, he said "They have different ideas on how the baby should be raised. Basically, she said they cannot agree on which gang the baby would claim,'" He then said "The Crips are more of a shooting gang and the Ballers are into the stabbing thing. I mean call it cultural or whatever but that's what happens when you don't stay with your own kind."



Shortly after the interview Sandoval was branded a "gangist" for his seperatist remarks and asked to resign from the force before "his ass gets capped" by a joint coaliton of gang members that was "advised" by a man who gave his name as Not Al Sharpton.

Readin', Writin' And Rippin' Your Damn Guts Open

Kevin "Kevie" Henkins 8, alleged ringleader of the Waycross 9

Long gone are the days of firing wadded up toilet tissue at the back of your teachers head. Thanks to a newfound dedication to organization and guerilla tactics, a gang of precocious Georgia 4th graders were rounded up for conspiracy to handcuff, duct tape and stab a teacher for reprimanding one of them for standing on a chair. The sociopaths-in-training range in ages from 8-10.

World renowned "bully", Butch (left) wonders "when did kids start getting so mean?"

The plot was uncovered by another student who overheard the 9 children plotting over a Capri Sun fueled, playground session. "They got all mean and stuff and one kid was like "I'ma cut this bitch" and another kid was like "No way!" but then the kid was like "Yes way!" and he was all like "triple dog dare me" and someone did. Can't go back on a triple dog dare." said a little girl on the grounds of anonymity. Legendary, schoolyard bully and motivational speaker Butch, from The Little Rascals said he was saddened by the whole incident stating "That's not how it was done in my day, ya know? Put a frog in a kids pants or some fireworks and then use a magnifying glass but this...oh Jesus...they would have put me at the bottom of a lake...and what would they have done to Stymie?" the elderly antagonist broke down and asked that the interview be stopped.

Waycross, GA police have also confiscated the Toyco Lil' Psycho Bag O' Death, a product containing many of the implements of destruction the youths needed to carry out the payback intended for the "meanie pants" as one of the suspects referred to the teacher. Toyco reps have released the following statement: "We here at Toyco DO NOT condone the use of the Bag O' Death or any of our Lil' Psycho products for anything other than fun and practice. Jesus, Play-Doh has a shitty little hamburger maker that they put out but you don't see kids actually eating the stuff, do you? And if you did, then that kid is pretty damn stupid because it's clay and clay hamburgers taste like shit. I mean, come on!"

Lil' Psycho Bag O' Death: For ages 5 & Up

All students have been suspended for various lengths of time, depending on the severity of their involvement. All will be required to attend anger management classes. Actual criminal charges are pending because...well, it's Georgia.

She Mugged You! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

"I wanna hold your cash."

Yesterday, Honorable Justice Mr. Bennet awarded Heather Mills a $48.7M divorce settlement making it the 6th largest in marriage shakedown history. Her four year marriage to ex-Beatle, Paul McCartney came to a bitter end in 2006 after a tumultuous start and the "pure evil" (as Mills puts it) of Stella McCartney. The judge came to this verdict after Mills initially turned down $50M from her ex in hopes of bagging more of the $1.6B she claimed he was worth.













One of these old ladies ROCK!...and one just got divorced.

McCartney expressed sadness at the end of his relationship. Citing what he thought as a trend of women being sexually attracted to men who resemble Angela Lansbury that are 25-30 years older than them, he confessed that he thought the union would last forever. He also displayed genuine surprise when informed that liver spots aren't and never have been sexy.

Oklahoma State Rep Sally Kern: "Gays Just As Dangerous As Terrorists!"













"Lesbian? No, why does everybody keep asking me that?"


Her resemblance to stereotypical lesbian, high school gym teachers be damned Sally Kern says "Gays are bad!" and that lifestyle is destroying America. The Oklahoma State representative quoting an anonymous "study" said that "No society that has completely embraced homosexuality, has lasted more than...you know...a few decades." Pointing out what she believes to be a trend of "indoctrination", the representative claims "the gays" are going on a recruting drive that would make the U.S. Army blush. Also pointing out that the mighty bastion of American politics, the Eureeka Springs city council has been infiltrated and is now controlled by "the gays".


Kern expressed concern that groups of homosexuals will eventually lock arms with each other and hurl themselves toward sky scrapers, causing more devastation than a fiendish Al Qaeda plot ever did. She then went on to say that gays:

• have shorter life expectancies



• have a higher rate of suicide



• tend to dress better



• get all the good talk shows on TV

Kern's live in "friend" Chris

Her comments have set off a firestorm of controversey but her "friend" Chris says that Kern "Only wants what's best for America" and that if people took the time to listen, she had said "alot of stuff about blacks and muslims because they're gross too and could you imagine if they were all gay 'n stuff? Jesus."

Jebus...

Holy Spit: NY Governor is A FREAK!

"I get my balls back when we get home, right?"

NY Governor, Eliot Spitzer held an emergency press conference yesterday to announce that he was "sorry" for doing "something" to his family. He asked for time in deciding what to do next and said he would take no questions. Oh yeah...that "something" was ordering whores on tax payer money to the tune of $5,500 a pop(Ba-zing!). Client # 9 as he is referred to in seized documents has allegedly been getting fat on "ho cake" for possibly six years!


Origininally suspected of taking bribes or campaign fraud, Spitzer had been under surveillance for months by investigators. They were stunned when wiretaps and flagged bank records showed the disgraced crime fighter was spending a peculiar amount of money on QAT an alleged dummy corporation used to shield the funds of The Emperors Club, a hoochie vendor that pulled in $1million dollars in profit over four years. "It's like finding a $100 bill in a box of Cracker Jack," said a still visibly stunned investigator. "Talk about getting more than what you asked for! This shit only happens on Law & Order!"















"Dude it was like that! Virgin, my ass!"


Former President, Bill Clinton said: "It's a sad day for New York and a sad day for interns everywhere. I can't believe he paid!" Equally sullied former U.S. Representative Gary Condit, wept openly for Spitzer and uttered repeatedly "He should have called me." The Governor's stoic wife Silda Wall Spitzer, has recently filed a petition to have the "S" in her name legally changed to a "$"(dollar sign) because as she puts it, "A bitch is about to get PAID!"

Silda Wall Spitzer after visiting The Law Offices of Howie, Leavem & Broke

Seven Deadly Sins: DA REMIX!









"Crack is wack! Can you dig it? Can you dig it? CAN YOU DIG IT?"


Kanye West. Diddy. Dr. Dre. The Vatican? Taking a page from the book of Kanyezee, the Catholic Church decided to take something really old (1,500 years to be exact) that no one has given much thought to in a while and remixed it fresh for the '08! Citing a need for them due to a "decreasing sense of sin in today’s securalised world”, the Pope decided to add on to the original Seven Seadly Sins to make it "hip" for the kids.

The new or "iSins" as the Chucrh wants to call them include:

• "Evil genetic manipulators" or scientists involved in cloning, stem cell research, etc.



• abuse of drugs "God thinks crack is wack too"



• huge inequality of wealth...like lining an organizations coffers for the sake of "hush money"



• Environmental callousness or "littering"...turns out Woodsy the Owl was a Prophet: Give a Hoot or YOUR SOUL WILL BURN IN HELL FOR AN ETERNITY!
• and strangely asterisked and footnoted with "do as I say" in the smallest print legible: pedophila

The last thing you see before your anguished screams echo in hell.

Bishop Gianfranco Girotti, head of the Apostolic Penitentiary, the Vatican body that oversees confessions and plenary indulgences, said priests must take account of “new sins which have appeared on the horizon of humanity as a corollary of the unstoppable process of globalization”. The Catholic Church divides sins into venial, or less serious, sins and mortal sins. It holds mortal sins to be ‘grave violations of the Ten Commandments and the Beatitudes’ and holds that ‘the souls of those who die in a state of mortal sin descend into Hell’. Suprisingly, denigration of women, shaking down the poor and downtrodden for tithe, and homosexuality(or the "so-so" sin as they like to call it) were mysteriously omitted.

HMJ Exclusive!: The REAL Obama Pic He Doesn't Want You To See!

"Who you votin' for?"

Just when you thought Turban-Gate would be the biggest thing to to hit the Obama campaign, HMJ has obtained a picture that may be the knock-out blow to his presidential run. In an e-mail received from a Jebus confidant known only by the address HCForPrez_08@hotmail.com, a stunning picture of the White House hopeful engaging in questionable behavior was attached.

The "other" picture now seems tame compared to the Jebus Exclusive photo.

"I thought him running around in his terrorist threads was pretty damn foul," said staffer Artie Abramson "but this...I mean the guy's clearly choking white girls. Is that what he does when he's not hangin' with Oprah?" Many political pundits in the know believe the photo is symbolic of the former Illinois governors' true intentions towards Hillary Clinton. "I'm not surprised," said Clinton "I warned everyone about how he looked at me during the debates. I want to remind all southerners especially, Watch how he leers at me during debates! Mandingo wasn't just a movie but a cautionary tale!" When given news of the latest photo, Senator John McCain said "Dude, wow! You guys know I'm running for president too, right?"

We're so scared for her.

All calls to Obama campaign headquarters by us were met with laughter and a dial tone but we will not stop.

What are you afraid of Obama, they won't elect a white girl choker to the office of President of The United States?

Your opponent happens to be white and you may want to...you know...choke her?


We here at Help Me Jebus are waiting, you white girl choking monster.



No seriously dude, we're waiting.

End Of An Error? Castro Steps Down...Kinda

"Change my diaper with cold hands and you get this!"

“It would be a betrayal to my conscience to accept a responsibility requiring more mobility and dedication than I am physically able to offer,” with those words a 50 year reign of tyranny came to an end...sorta. Fidel Castro stepped down today as president of Cuba "relinquishing his power" to his brother Raúl which is like deciding you'd rather be stabbed to death slowly than be put in front of a firing squad. The younger Castro has been in power since the summer of 2006 when the elderly death dealer took ill.

The news was met with mixed results. While most Cubans rejoiced at the fact the hated leader would be taking a lesser role in their homelands government, they also realized that the entire regime would have to be nuked to sub-atomic particles in order for them to enjoy simple pleasures like reading a book of their own choosing or the ability to travel. "I guess it's cool, " said Gustavo Mendoza through a translator. Also adding "It's very similar to having a bowl of vomit on one side in front of you and a bowl of feces on the other. You have to eat one or else you'll get shot in the head, right?...Right?" He then became inconsolable as he tore off his shirt and dropped to his knees with his palms upturned as he wailed like the mother of a shot gang banger.









Mourned by his brothers-in-arms.

Revered by his peers, news of the geriatric, genocidal maniac's resignation had a sombering effect throughout the world of evil. Emperor Palpatine said via-satellite "Not good. Not good at all. When I met young Castro he was unfamiliar with the darkside. It wasn't until he choked a family of four with his mind at the age of 16 just because their oldest daughter was unattractive that he realized that this bad guy shit was gonna be fun. Sad. Very sad." The all powerful Eternal Ruler Of Hell, Satan was shocked when we told him the news as he strolled the streets of Miami. "Aw no...dude...are you shittin' me?" Then through tear-filled eyes he related these feelings to us: "Sometimes when those people would plan their esacpes, me and F-Bomb (his pet name for the dictator) would watch as they prepared their make shift boats from pieces of wood and card board. Then we would just laugh as their poorly made life boats would disintergrate and they screamed in agony as the sharks tore the flesh from their bodies . I said "It doesn't get any better than this!" and he put his arm around me and said: "No my friend, it doesn't!" and we just fired back enough Coronas to put a frat boy in intensive care and laughed til we cried. Oh god, I feel sick." The devil then abruptly ended the interview and wept uncontrollably for a full 15 minutes.


Sad indeed.

Breaking News: Clemens Hires New Attorneys

Blake & Simpson "What's Evidence?"

Seeing the writing on the wall and the failure of Rusty_Hardin looming on the horizon, Roger Clemens is in talks to drop his legal team to hook up with the newly minted law firm of Blake & Simpson. The team has history of getting the hopelessly guilty inexplicably exonerated. "What is "evidence" exactly?" said Bob Blake one half of the dynamic legal duo. "I mean, a gun with prints? People seeing you leave the scene of the crime and then going back to retrieve your gun? Sweating like a priest at a Cub Scout meeting when the cops take you in for questioning? All circumstantial. This will be easy."

"I got your f--kin' retainer right here, Rusty!"

With allegedly damning testimony from "best friend" Andy Petitte and former teamate Chuck Knoblauch as well as possible DNA evidence, it looked like the Rocket would have to come clean and admit to using illegal steroids in front of a House Senate committe but not so says litigator Simpson. "DNA is kind of overrated. If your blood is on something does that mean it came from you? Flesh under your finger nails? Come on, man!This case is weak. He'll be home in time for spring training." The famous attorney then discussed how Clemens needs to look for the "real steroid abuser" and how he could possibly dedicate the rest of his life to doing so.

"I'm glad Roger has decided to go in a different direction," said Debra Clemens, the hurlers wife. "It has been a strain on the entire family. All of this unwarranted speculation mentally drains you...it wears you down." The dainty mother of four then went on to say how she is withering away to nothing and how her husband worries about her diminishing appearance every night.

Debra Clemens: Getting smaller every day.

The team is set to begin defending the Texas fire-baller immediately.

Bloody Syringe, Bloody Gauze...Bloody Hell, I Still Didn't Do It!

"If Two and A Half Men is a repeat again tonight, I swear to god..."

After giving sworn testimony on Capitol Hill yesterday 7-time Cy Young winner and OJ-level delusional liar, Roger Clemens was dealt another serious blow to his crusade to prove his innocence in an ongoing steroid investigation. Brian McNamee, his trainer and alleged supplier handed over used syringes, bloody gauze and other effects that could implicate him for lying about his use of performance enhancing drugs. "Roger Clemens has put himself in a position where his legacy as the greatest pitcher in baseball will depend less on his ERA and more on his DNA," said Earl Ward, a lawyer for McNamee.

The evidence allegedly comes from 2000 and 2001, the time whem McNamee says he personally injected the former Red Sox and Yankee great. "You are about to see part two of the Duke case" warned Rusty Hardin, a Clemens attorney. "Not so much with the black chick having a train run on her by priviliedged white guys and then she accuses them but they get off because she was a lying stripper whore anyway but you know...just take out the lacrosse team and put Roger in their place but he's like totally guilty but still rich and white and the lying, whore stripper is also white but...you know not nearly as rich or famous?" The attorney went on to suggest that this is helpful to their case as it shows McNamee to be determined to "ruin a guy that people will always like more than him because he's rich and it's really sad."

In a related story, Clemens family dog Cocoa, a teacup chihuahua was disqualified from a local dog show for being "overweight" for her division. "When does the persecution of my family end?" the baeseball great lamented. "Just look at her, she's the sweetest two year-old you've ever seen. I remember when I brought her home she fit in the palm of my hand. She's still so tiny. I'm gonna find who runs that show and rip their god damned liver and kindeys out. Cook them and feed it to them. Let them crap it out and make them eat it again." Clemens then shouted obscenities at a busload of handicapped children before boarding the bus and punching each child while handing them an autographed baseball.

Cocoa Clemens, such a cutie.

#1 And Double The Fun, Hannah Montana Tops B.O. By Doubling Ticket Price

Number one with an asterisk* Disney and Miley/Sybil/Hannah Montana/Billie Jean/ Jo Cyrus will have to settle for that after a surprising but somewhat tainted victory. In what was the best Super Bowl Weekend opening ever, Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert took in a surpising $31.1M to overtake last weeks champ Meet the Spartans which dropped to third place. Disney however, assured its victory by eliminating all children's discounts on the limited run movie and doubling the ticket price in all theaters. "We are pleasantly surprised by the strong showing of this concert film," said a Disney rep. He also added "It's a great family film and any kid whose parents don't take them to see it, look at your parents and realize that they've never loved you and your life is an empty lie."

"I'm bankrupting your parents financially and morally, shhh!"

Winnie Carter of Culver City, California was one of a lucky few who won a local radio station's Montana-themed contests for tickets. "They only wanted one child and I got here first," the mother shrugged. "They are sending my youngest boy off to Sri-Lanka to work at a "men's resort" of some kind or whatever they said, but he's happy. He knows his sister wanted those tickets real bad. We love you, Billy."

The movie which was initially scheduled for a seven day run was such a wallet-raping success, that the house that Song of the South built has decided to extend the run. "Some theaters may get one week others may get two." said the flack. He then added "We're gonna get that money. Even if we have to get Miley to ring your doorbell so you answer it then when you do we beat you like Joe Pesci in Casino, we're gonna get it!"

Brady Gets Grass Stains, Giants Win Super Bowl XLII

"Ref! The guys in white...they touched ME!"

In what can be called the greatest Super Bowl game ever played, the New England Patriots took their rightful place in history next to all the other losing teams as they were soundly defeated by the New York Giants. Emperor Belichick and Darth Brady were unable to overcome the Giants ability to lay hands on him and were told of their loss shortly after they left the field with seconds to go. "My pants...they're d-dirty...diiiiiirty!" uttered a visbly shaken Tom Brady. Giselle Bundchen's meat wad was harshly introduced to the game of PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL this Sunday as he was touched by an opposing teams defense. "They ran at me and pushed!" he said "...and the language..the smells...my pants...dirty..."

"Goood...oh wait, we lost? Not so goood."

It wasn't just the Giant-D that was responsible as quarterback Eli Manning threw a masterful game in which he outdueled New England's All-Pro douche. Patriots coach Bill Belichick made it seem as if he predicted it by saying "The Giants of New York shall defeat us in this game and reap the benefits of praise and adulation for their act of heroism." When informed that this wasn't a bad thing the coach responded "Well, I didn't finish yet!" he proclaimed " They will also um...ya know, not get really cool rings like we got or hot girls or anything like that and uh...probably the runs for like a good week." He then wrung his hands and hissed "Um...Good?" before abruptly ending the interview.

The win halts the Pats run at perfection leaving the '72 Dolphins as the sole undefeated Super Bowl Champ and leaving this team with alot of unanswered questions and an assload of "19-0 The Perfect Season" t-shirts to be sold on the cheap on Ebay.

Don Shula laughed himself into intensive care shortly after this report.

Man Who Used Stun Gun To "Toughen Up" Toddler Gets 46 Months

Rian Wittman: A douche of biblical proportions.

Taking a page out of the Chris Benoit Book of Parenting 23 year old Rian James Wittman in an attempt to "toughen up" his 18 month-old son, tased the boy on several occassions with a Dragon-Fire Stun Gun. Sources say the Albany, Oregon resident wanted the boy to be "the toughest cage fighter ever" and figured the walking, talking and going to the bathroom on his own would come later. Originally when questioned by the boy's 21 year-old mother, the man claimed he was playing peek-a-boo with the child. He then said he did it because he was arguing with the mother.

Prosecutor Reed Dinsmore said "I spoke to a Department of Human Services careworker who was present, and she said the look in the child's eyes will not easily be forgotten."

Wittman's child rearing kit.

Here's to hoping that Rian Wittman's stay in prison is reminiscent of the worst episode of Oz multiplied by ten with inmates who are endowed like elephants.

Help me, Jebus!

Florida Voters Say "Who-liani?", Rudy '08 Is History

The 9/11 express came to a screeching halt yesterday as Rudolph Giuliani dropped out of the race for the Republican Party's presidential nomination. After garnering just 15% of the vote and coming in third behind John McCain and Mitt Romney, America's Mayor realized that his "Retired New Yorkers Live In Florida" strategy was a bad idea. He failed to take into account that those same retired New Yorkers were old enough to remember what a divisive, oppressive, hypocritical douche he was in the eight years he held office up until September 10, 2001.

"I'm proud that we chose to remain positive," said the former mayor. "Even if one guy is a potential polygamist, weirdo freak and the other guy never experienced a terrorist attack. What did he get jabbed a couple of times with some punji sticks? I mean if that's what you want from a candidate, whatever." While it wasn't a concession speech, it was pretty clear that Giuliani '08 was closing up shop. Power hungry harpie and current wife, Judith Giuliani had this to say when asked about her husbands perceived failure: "My last name is NATHAN!"

Judith "Judy" Giuliani demonstartes her "soul sucking" technique.

It seemed Rudy's tough guy attitude and "Hey anybody remember 9/11?" campaign didn't register with Floridians. "Well, when the right to life question came up he said that on 9/11 there was no time to think about that." said Esteban Schwartz a voter in the over 40 demographic. "He also said that if it wasn't for 9/11, his views on gay marriage wouldn't have changed and that he would use 9/11 as a template for his new tax strategy and to fight poverty and challenge stem-cell research. To call him a one-trick pony would be an insult to horses everywhere."