Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Florida Voters Say "Who-liani?", Rudy '08 Is History

The 9/11 express came to a screeching halt yesterday as Rudolph Giuliani dropped out of the race for the Republican Party's presidential nomination. After garnering just 15% of the vote and coming in third behind John McCain and Mitt Romney, America's Mayor realized that his "Retired New Yorkers Live In Florida" strategy was a bad idea. He failed to take into account that those same retired New Yorkers were old enough to remember what a divisive, oppressive, hypocritical douche he was in the eight years he held office up until September 10, 2001.

"I'm proud that we chose to remain positive," said the former mayor. "Even if one guy is a potential polygamist, weirdo freak and the other guy never experienced a terrorist attack. What did he get jabbed a couple of times with some punji sticks? I mean if that's what you want from a candidate, whatever." While it wasn't a concession speech, it was pretty clear that Giuliani '08 was closing up shop. Power hungry harpie and current wife, Judith Giuliani had this to say when asked about her husbands perceived failure: "My last name is NATHAN!"

Judith "Judy" Giuliani demonstartes her "soul sucking" technique.

It seemed Rudy's tough guy attitude and "Hey anybody remember 9/11?" campaign didn't register with Floridians. "Well, when the right to life question came up he said that on 9/11 there was no time to think about that." said Esteban Schwartz a voter in the over 40 demographic. "He also said that if it wasn't for 9/11, his views on gay marriage wouldn't have changed and that he would use 9/11 as a template for his new tax strategy and to fight poverty and challenge stem-cell research. To call him a one-trick pony would be an insult to horses everywhere."

No comments: