Thursday, January 31, 2008

Britney Spears Commited, TMZ Worried She'll Make Full Recovery

After months of erratic behavior, disgraced pop icon Britney Spears was finally committed last night to UCLA Medical Center's psychiatric ward. After the courts deemed her a 5150 (a danger to the public and herself), an ambulance led motorcade worthy of a US president showed up to take her to the hospital. With parents and other leeches in tow, the meal ticket to the soulless was hauled off for her date with the noggin doctor.

Harvey Levin stops to pose for the HMJ cameras.

Outisde of the hospital TMZ's chief sack of vinegar, Harvey Levin paced nervously about dressed in black. A distraught Levin proclaimed "Either way, this is a sad day for entertainment and whatever it is we do over at TMZ. On one hand she can get proper medical care and fully recover. Or she can have a total relapse and die." The fruit of Satans taint then added "Neither one is really good for us as we can only milk it for so long. Ledger's dead. If we had known he had a problem we would have made fun of him and his habit daily until he kicked it. This chick made us. We feed our families by calling her fat and praying for her to overdose but we don't want her to stop know...spread it out over a couple of years?"

As a contingency plan, staffers at the journalisitic abomination of God and man have taken to shouting fat jokes and tossing crack cocaine at Hannah Montana while filming it and trying to get anyone from High School Musical to hang out with Rick Salomon. "We have bills to pay,"said one staffer on the grounds of anonymity. "We tried yelling stuff at Brad and Angelina's kids. Tried calling them fat or drug addled but they stare at us like they don't understand. Foreign kids are weird."

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Man Who Used Stun Gun To "Toughen Up" Toddler Gets 46 Months

Rian Wittman: A douche of biblical proportions.

Taking a page out of the Chris Benoit Book of Parenting 23 year old Rian James Wittman in an attempt to "toughen up" his 18 month-old son, tased the boy on several occassions with a Dragon-Fire Stun Gun. Sources say the Albany, Oregon resident wanted the boy to be "the toughest cage fighter ever" and figured the walking, talking and going to the bathroom on his own would come later. Originally when questioned by the boy's 21 year-old mother, the man claimed he was playing peek-a-boo with the child. He then said he did it because he was arguing with the mother.

Prosecutor Reed Dinsmore said "I spoke to a Department of Human Services careworker who was present, and she said the look in the child's eyes will not easily be forgotten."

Wittman's child rearing kit.

Here's to hoping that Rian Wittman's stay in prison is reminiscent of the worst episode of Oz multiplied by ten with inmates who are endowed like elephants.

Help me, Jebus!

Edwards Calls It A Day and Hillary Wins At Shadowboxing

"Screw you guys, I'm going home."

Citing a need to "step aside so that history can blaze its path", John Edwards has dropped out of the race for the Democratic party nomination. After finishing second in the Iowa Caucus, the senator was soundly defeated each time by Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. This would be the second time Edwards has stepped down after a failing primary campaign.

In the high-profile, Oprah endorsed glare of the Obama and Clinton campaigns Edwards fell by the wayside. It was as if the 2004 Vice Presidential candidtate had become an after thought. A somber Edwards noted: " With our convictions and a little backbone we will take back the White House in November." He then said "It's obvious you didn't want me though. Jesus Christ, I'm a good-looking white man with great hair running for president. If I can't beat a black dude and a chick nobody likes then maybe you people don't deserve me." He then muttered "...bastards" as his voice trailed off.

Edwards said that on his way to making his campaign-ending statement, he drove by a highway underpass where several homeless people live. He stopped to talk, he said, and as he was leaving, one of them asked him never to forget them and their plight. After his speech, he drove back then chastised them for not registering and told them may they rot where they stand.

"Yeah boyeeeee!"

In other primary news, Hillary Rodham Clinton celebrated an empty victory in Florida last night. By taking 50% of the vote, Clinton beat Obama in the Sunshine States' primary. Unfortunately, it has been established Florida's delegates won't be seated at the August convention, because the state broke party rules by jumping the gun on traditional early-voting states like New Hampshire and Iowa. In laymen's terms the win holds the value of defective scratch-off lottery ticket. Still Hillary held a rally fit for a man who aprehended Bin Laden, discovered the cure for cancer and figured out a Rubiks cube while blind folded. "I am thrilled to have had this vote of confidence that you have given me today!" Clinton told cheering supporters. Political analyst Hank Manfre shrugged and said: "It's kinda like winning a date with Star Jones. You win but have you really won?"

Florida Voters Say "Who-liani?", Rudy '08 Is History

The 9/11 express came to a screeching halt yesterday as Rudolph Giuliani dropped out of the race for the Republican Party's presidential nomination. After garnering just 15% of the vote and coming in third behind John McCain and Mitt Romney, America's Mayor realized that his "Retired New Yorkers Live In Florida" strategy was a bad idea. He failed to take into account that those same retired New Yorkers were old enough to remember what a divisive, oppressive, hypocritical douche he was in the eight years he held office up until September 10, 2001.

"I'm proud that we chose to remain positive," said the former mayor. "Even if one guy is a potential polygamist, weirdo freak and the other guy never experienced a terrorist attack. What did he get jabbed a couple of times with some punji sticks? I mean if that's what you want from a candidate, whatever." While it wasn't a concession speech, it was pretty clear that Giuliani '08 was closing up shop. Power hungry harpie and current wife, Judith Giuliani had this to say when asked about her husbands perceived failure: "My last name is NATHAN!"

Judith "Judy" Giuliani demonstartes her "soul sucking" technique.

It seemed Rudy's tough guy attitude and "Hey anybody remember 9/11?" campaign didn't register with Floridians. "Well, when the right to life question came up he said that on 9/11 there was no time to think about that." said Esteban Schwartz a voter in the over 40 demographic. "He also said that if it wasn't for 9/11, his views on gay marriage wouldn't have changed and that he would use 9/11 as a template for his new tax strategy and to fight poverty and challenge stem-cell research. To call him a one-trick pony would be an insult to horses everywhere."

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Bush: I've Got Terrorists Bitchified!

"You're god damned right! What? Yeah... I thought so!"

In what was his final State Of The Union Address, the "Duh"mander-In-Chief did not dissappoint fans of John Wayne or The Lone Ranger. With a seeming extra set of hands that he grew, George Bush was able to toot his own horn as well as pat himself on the back simultaneously. With much bravado the president exclaimed in front of a joint session of Congress "Some may deny the surge is working, but among the terrorists there is no doubt," he then uttered to thunderous applause "Al Qaeda is on the run in Iraq and this enemy will be defeated! Yeah mother f---ers!" When asked how any of this has anything to do with the capture of Osama bin Laden, Bush quickly changed the topic of discussion to what's going on with American Idol and how he was "sad" for Britney Spears.

Some of the other "high" point of his address was when he:

  • Gave Iran a stark warning to "come clean" about its nuclear ambitions and subsequently appointed Roger Clemens to lead the investigation.

  • Acknowledged "uncertainty" in the US economy and urged Congress to quickly pass the agreed-upon stimulus plan, but warned against withdrawing from free-trade agreements.

  • Urged the creation of an "international clean-technology fund" to help developing nations use cleaner energy.

  • Gave a shout out to Halliburton,who just started an "International clean-technology division" to help developing nations use cleaner energy

While trumpeting his "victory", Bush noted that this would likely have not been possible, had it not been for sending some 30,000 additional troops to Iraq a year ago over the fierce objection of Democrats in Congress. He also laughed at the notion that those objections would have been taken seriously in the first place.

"This one's almost big enough to hold a rifle. Get his name!"

Monday, January 28, 2008

Mensa Invites Cloverfield Fans To Join After Meet The Spartans Tops Box Office

"See I'm an ancient gladiator but the irony is I have on a ski hat, get it...Get it?"

This weekend, moviegoers showed that breathing through their noses is optional as they made Meet the Spartans the number one movie at the box office with an $18.7M opening. Following closely behind with $18.2M in weekend receipts was Ben Gay-fueled homicide romp, Rambo . The triumph knocked last weeks champ Cloverfield, all the way to fourth place with a 60+% drop and a measely $12M take causing the fraternal order of geniuses to extend an offer to the fans. A member on the grounds of anonymity stated "Well, we're just happy they came to their senses." He also added " I believe the ability to recite the alphabet without blacking out played a part in their decision and for that we applaud them. As far as Spartans goes, we'd like to know the rate of inbreeding country-wide before we make a statement."

The most powerful player in entertainment right now.

Progenitor of everything evil, Satan phoned us at HMJ and gloated about his latest victory. "It's kinda funny when things like this occur,because people cry and proclaim 'There's no God!' " Adding "It's not a question of his existence, it's a testament to mine!" He then cackled maniacally finally stating: "It's only January bitches! It's about to get hot up in this piece!"
Oh No He Di 'int? Clinton Calls Obama: Jesse Jackson "The Remix"

"Wait...yeah, knife's in my back now!"

Like a good ol' fashioned game of "The Dozens", the race to win the Democratic party's nomination gets nastier by the second. After his wife's defeat at the hands of Oprah's Chosen One, the former president came out with both guns blazing reminiscent of Chow Yun Fat. "Jesse Jackson won South Carolina in '84 and '88. Jackson ran a good campaign. And Obama ran a good campaign here." said Clinton. "Aw come on, you guys never vote and now all of a sudden you care? If she don't win I'm in trouble."

Hillary Clinton spent much of yesterday's interview on Face The Nation performing damage control duties. "Well, I think it's human nature. I think that the spouses of all three of us have, you know, been passionate and vigorous defenders of each of us and, you know, maybe got a little carried away," said the former first lady. "All I'm saying though, is do you see how he looks at me? I just want all the southerners to watch him and how he looks at me. "They" frighten me." She then chalked up her husbands comments to "sleep deprivation" and reminded the viewers that she still thinks "those people" are OK but should wait a little before they go running for a real job in office.

Oh crap, someone get him a frickin' intern!

When asked about the Clintons' comments, Obama handled himself with dignity by saying "Jesse Jackson ran historic races in 1984 and 1988, and there's no doubt that that set a precedent for African-Americans running for the highest office in the land. But, you know that was twenty years ago...what she need to do is get them cankles moving to the next primary and lets see what happens then!" Oh snap!" and then motioned for a high five as wife Michelle Obama uttered a sassy "I heard that!"

Oooh, burn.