Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Edwards Calls It A Day and Hillary Wins At Shadowboxing

"Screw you guys, I'm going home."

Citing a need to "step aside so that history can blaze its path", John Edwards has dropped out of the race for the Democratic party nomination. After finishing second in the Iowa Caucus, the senator was soundly defeated each time by Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. This would be the second time Edwards has stepped down after a failing primary campaign.

In the high-profile, Oprah endorsed glare of the Obama and Clinton campaigns Edwards fell by the wayside. It was as if the 2004 Vice Presidential candidtate had become an after thought. A somber Edwards noted: " With our convictions and a little backbone we will take back the White House in November." He then said "It's obvious you didn't want me though. Jesus Christ, I'm a good-looking white man with great hair running for president. If I can't beat a black dude and a chick nobody likes then maybe you people don't deserve me." He then muttered "...bastards" as his voice trailed off.

Edwards said that on his way to making his campaign-ending statement, he drove by a highway underpass where several homeless people live. He stopped to talk, he said, and as he was leaving, one of them asked him never to forget them and their plight. After his speech, he drove back then chastised them for not registering and told them may they rot where they stand.

"Yeah boyeeeee!"

In other primary news, Hillary Rodham Clinton celebrated an empty victory in Florida last night. By taking 50% of the vote, Clinton beat Obama in the Sunshine States' primary. Unfortunately, it has been established Florida's delegates won't be seated at the August convention, because the state broke party rules by jumping the gun on traditional early-voting states like New Hampshire and Iowa. In laymen's terms the win holds the value of defective scratch-off lottery ticket. Still Hillary held a rally fit for a man who aprehended Bin Laden, discovered the cure for cancer and figured out a Rubiks cube while blind folded. "I am thrilled to have had this vote of confidence that you have given me today!" Clinton told cheering supporters. Political analyst Hank Manfre shrugged and said: "It's kinda like winning a date with Star Jones. You win but have you really won?"

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