Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Chef “Beef” Turns Serious

"Bullets...disappear into me!"

Top that 50 Cent! Famed Cajun Chef Paul Prudhomme doesn’t just throw down in the kitchen, he also ain’t no punk when it comes to gettin’ capped. The superstar chef was shot on Tuesday and wasn’t even sure about it until he found a bullet on the floor much later on. “Honestly I thought, it was just the “big one” coming and I started holdin' my left arm and thinking about all the good shit I’d never get to eat again.”said Prudhomme. “I just kinda told my friends to bring stuff over and fire it down my throat before the ol’ esophagus seized up.” Many fear this is retribution from the Food Network after Prudhomme decided to host his Chef Paul Prudhomme's Always Cooking! on PBS rather than the home of such cholesterol pimps like Bobby Flay and Emeril Lagasse.

What's cookin? A drive-by, bitches!

According to a local Lousiana news report, Prudhomme was cooking at a golf course in Louisiana when he felt something hit his arm. He then noticed a .22 caliber bullet fall from his sleeve. He then rolled up his shirt to check for more wounds and a six inch bolt, a half eaten package of Ho-Ho's and Haley Joel Osment fell from a fold. "I'm an O.G. and little bullets don't faze me, dawg!" said a suddenly fired up Prudhomme. "Paula Deen and the Food Network had something to do with this! Nobody wants her ol' nasty red beans and rice recipe! This is what it's about, isn't it Paula? And Rachael Ray, that gravely voiced, hack! Drink some more of that piss water coffee you're peddling, ya stank ass ho!"

Police had originally classified the incident as a shooting, but then deemed it a simple complaint. They say a .22 caliber bullet can travel almost two miles, so they may never know who fired the shot. Hopefully all parties involved will learn a lesson from 'Pac and Biggie.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Popeye’s Chicken Founder Dead At 64, Bluto Held For Questioning

Left to right: Copeland and "Bluto/Brutus"

Al Copeland, who became rich selling spicy fried chicken and notorious for his flamboyant lifestyle, died Sunday at a clinic near Munich, Germany. He was 64.

Ironically, the founder of the
Popeyes Famous Fried Chicken & Biscuits chain had been diagnosed shortly before Thanksgiving with a malignant salivary gland tumor. His death was announced by his spokeswoman, Kit Wohl.

Although no foul play was suspected in Copeland’s death, his attending nurse, a Mr. Bluto was arrested immediately following the announcement. After a violent struggle that saw several German policeman fall victim to vicious uppercuts that sent them flying several stories skyward, he was subdued with one punch by an officer who had the wherewithal to carry a can of spinach. “Mr. Bluto or “Brutus” as he has sometimes been called is not guilty of anything at this time.” said a police official. “We simply wanted to ask him about the name changes. Is it Bluto or Brutus? Is he a sailor or just some slovenly guy with a penchant for punching the speaking impaired? And why work for this guy, of all people?”

"Bluto" and "friend" Popeye before their ugly falling out.

Although the U.S. Navy claims to have no record of service for him, “Bluto” allegedly got his start in 1932 as a buddy of restaurant namesake and fellow sailor, Popeye. He soon grew tired of his second fiddle status and after failing to move up in rank, for the next 50 years took to punching the lovable sailor and kidnapping his girlfriend, whenever the opportunity arose. Some sources fear that it was a revenge plot hatched by the disgruntled seaman after the failure of his Bluto's Famous Bratwurst & Waffle stands. The last of which was swallowed up by Copeland's booming chicken business in 1982, forcing him into destitution for the better part of two decades. It wasn't until late 2007 when Copeland, the man who ground his dreams to dust, hired him as a home attendant. "He was jusk getting back on his feets." said Popeye. "I hope to god, he didn't have a hand in this...a-skiddly-diddly-do-bop-a-be bop-da-bo!"