Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Aw Huck It!: Mike's Done

"Weekend Update, I am so there!"

"It's been a heckuva run!" this was how Mike Huckabee summed up his futile and often amusing run for the Republican partys' presidential nomination. Huckabee said he believed that his supporters should back McCain in November. Adding that he has no "Plan B" for his political career. "Clearly, things didn't go our way tonight, and we had hoped they would," he told reporters on his plane back to Little Rock. "But when the inevitable is staring you in the face, you accept it. I leave this man my delegates but most importantly, I leave him Chuck Norris. He will continue to slap the bejesus out of anyone that opposes this party or its ideals and goals. I do so with my blessing."

So long Huck. You were one of the most lovable candidates of recent memory. You amused us like the old guy with alzheimers who crapped his pants and honestly didn't know why people were moving away from him. Hysterical.
Americans Outraged As Marine Kills Puppy, Still On The Fence About Other Human Beings

A Youtube video surfaced recently depicting an American soldier allegedly hurling a dog off a cliff to his death sending shockwaves throughout the country. Animal lovers and activists and lovers were outraged by his actions and to show their displeasure, they found the soldiers name and proceeded to post his home address here. Unrepentant human oil-spill in training, Jeffrey Munro freely posted sensitive information (name and home address) of someone who may or may not have been in the video leaving the persons' family open to numerous death threats and possibly worse repurcussions down the road. "This is not a breathing, rational thinking human being with a family or anything trivial like that this man has killed," said one pooch proponent. "It was a dog! It catches frisbees and eats dinner scraps for Christs' sake. I hope his children are born with their organs on the outside." When asked how he felt about the thousands of dead American and Iraqi soldiers the man shrugged and asked what the ratio of dead Americans to Iraqi was because "God doesn't really care about the brownies."

Unfortunately, the soldier wasn't smart enough to engage in cock fighting because not only are chickens ugly, but damnit they taste good too.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Disney Unearths Two Classics For DVD Release!

Rotting in the vaults for years...well, the one on the right.

Just in time for the Easter Holiday, Walt Disney unveils two timeless classics. Premiering on DVD this week is 101 Dalmatians , resurrected from the Disney vaults for the first time in a decade. Cruella de Vil and her quest for a rare and pricey dalmation coat are brought to life on this beautiful, digitally restored print of the 1961 film. Your children will delight in the restored "skinning" scene with all the yelps in tact.

However the real jewel in the crown is the second release. After over sixty-years in the bowels of Disney's vaults come its pride and joy, as Song of the South makes it's way to home video with a special Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah Slavery Is Swell Edition. The story revolves around Uncle Remus, the happiest slave on the plantation. His life and the life of his masters son Johnny, changes after he takes the boy in when he runs away from his divorcing parents. The child grows to love his friendship with the slaves, much to the chagrin of his proper mother. The movie was the first of its kind to show that no matter how bad it is for white people, a singing smiling, black guy makes everything feel alright.

"Stew tastes good huh? ...yeah, I peed in it."

As an added bonus there's a never before seen Director's cut which shows a more reflective, darker Remus who rose up against his oppressive masters but still had time to sing with animated birds. Some bonus features include songs cut from the film like "Stop Whippin' Me, Ya Bastards!", "You Mean I Can't Leave?" and "I Ain't Pickin' Shit!" (a fiery protest song sung by the character after he gets reprimanded for regaling the children with his tales of Br'er Rabbit). These were cut initially to give the film a lighter feel. Also in the bonus footage section the "foot cutting scene" (when a fellow slave gets a little too spry for his own good, his masters put him in check) and the extended and very explicit "love that dare not speak its name" scene where Johnny's mother realizes divorce might not be so bad. When asked about the racist overtones and perceived insensitivity of the film, a company flack stated "I think it's time for this film to be released," adding "I mean he sings and he smiles gone it, his voice is nice. I think people have gotten over that "thing" don't you?"

"...and tomorrow, I'll tell you where I buried him."

When first informed about the news of the releases, the Rev. Al Sharpton said he had mixed feelings about the messages being sent by a movie with black and white dogs as the stars. "You got these predominantly white dogs with little black spots on them, and that lady wants them to make a valuable coat out of them," said the civil rights leader. "I wonder how rare the coat would have been if it was a black dog with white spots? That's why I've started my own production company and our first animated picture is called 101 Pitbulls. It stars the voices of Gary Coleman, Lil' Kim and Coolio!" When asked what the plot was, the reverend confided that there really wasn't one and the film mainly consisted of the title characters attacking unsuspecting white folks. After being reminded that Song of The South was also set for release, Sharpton fainted.

Come for the cute dogs, stay for the good old fashioned racism.

Thanks Disney!