Thursday, February 28, 2008

Let's Play A Game!

PopQuiz: Which one of these periodicals was once a right-leaning, albeit respectable newspaper but now hopes to corner the sleazy, Cheez Whiz sucking, celebrity obsessed stay at home mom market by proclaiming itself as #1 for gossip.

Go ahead, I'll wait...

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Snake Acts Like...A SNAKE, Eats Family Dog!

"Oh snap! Dude get that camera out my face, seriously!"

Recently there was a stark reminder of just how uncivilized and animal-like an animal can be . An Australian family claims it was "shocked and horrified" that a 16-foot scrub python ate the family dog. What makes the story even more heartbreaking and shows that snakes are the Devils messenger, is the fact that the family claimed they saw it "stalk" their dog a week earlier. "The family that owned the dog had actually seen it in the dog's bed, which was a sign it was out to get it," said Stuart Douglas, owner of the Australian Venom Zoo. "They should have called me then." The shocking discovery was made by two children aged 5 and 7 who cheerd the carnage but lamented the clean-up. "Its legs were doing the funny kick like on the cartoons when someone gets dropped on their skull!" said Timmy, the 7 year old. 5 year old Lisa sat motionless throughout the interview clutching a dog collar and blnking like a laid off postal worker.

The snake was captured and taken to the Zoo to digest the dog before being released in the wild. Help Me Jebus! has obtained an interview with incarcerated reptile:

Help Me Jebus: So, do you realize what you've done? Have you seen the pictures?

Snake: Where'd you get those?

HMJ: They were taken by the zoo. Do you deny this is you?

S: I'm not sayin' nothin'. No, you know what?: There's a tiger in San Diego that's dead! She's dead because you guys threw shit at her and was surprised she wanted to eat people and you shot her like a black guy who doesn't identify himself in a timely manner to police! Even though natives of her homeland keep their distance because she EATS PEOPLE! You're a fascist, man! A f--king fascist!

Tatiana The Tiger: A fallen comrade...ha ha, dumb tiger!

HMJ: Do you see the pain and emotional damage you've caused to this family?

S: Damage? I waited in that things bed a week ago and these people did nothing! They saw me laying there like: "Hello, I'm a snake! I'd like to eat your f--king dog!" Poke me with a stick? Crush my head with a rock? Nothing!

The hardened belly crawler then broke down and wept uncontrollably.

S: Come on dude...I got problems, man! Problems!. My whole life, ancestors in the Bible...they said we're responsible for the downfall of humanity. Humanity man! Then my cousins who eat mice and also kill people, they get GEICO commercials. They dance around with Naomi Campbell...I want to help people with affordable insurance rates! I wanna dance with black chicks. I can do that. You people just don't know. You f--kin' people!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

HMJ Exclusive!: The REAL Obama Pic He Doesn't Want You To See!

"Who you votin' for?"

Just when you thought Turban-Gate would be the biggest thing to to hit the Obama campaign, HMJ has obtained a picture that may be the knock-out blow to his presidential run. In an e-mail received from a Jebus confidant known only by the address, a stunning picture of the White House hopeful engaging in questionable behavior was attached.

The "other" picture now seems tame compared to the Jebus Exclusive photo.

"I thought him running around in his terrorist threads was pretty damn foul," said staffer Artie Abramson "but this...I mean the guy's clearly choking white girls. Is that what he does when he's not hangin' with Oprah?" Many political pundits in the know believe the photo is symbolic of the former Illinois governors' true intentions towards Hillary Clinton. "I'm not surprised," said Clinton "I warned everyone about how he looked at me during the debates. I want to remind all southerners especially, Watch how he leers at me during debates! Mandingo wasn't just a movie but a cautionary tale!" When given news of the latest photo, Senator John McCain said "Dude, wow! You guys know I'm running for president too, right?"

We're so scared for her.

All calls to Obama campaign headquarters by us were met with laughter and a dial tone but we will not stop.

What are you afraid of Obama, they won't elect a white girl choker to the office of President of The United States?

Your opponent happens to be white and you may want know...choke her?

We here at Help Me Jebus are waiting, you white girl choking monster.

No seriously dude, we're waiting.