Thursday, February 28, 2008
PopQuiz: Which one of these periodicals was once a right-leaning, albeit respectable newspaper but now hopes to corner the sleazy, Cheez Whiz sucking, celebrity obsessed stay at home mom market by proclaiming itself as #1 for gossip.
Go ahead, I'll wait...
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Recently there was a stark reminder of just how uncivilized and animal-like an animal can be . An Australian family claims it was "shocked and horrified" that a 16-foot scrub python ate the family dog. What makes the story even more heartbreaking and shows that snakes are the Devils messenger, is the fact that the family claimed they saw it "stalk" their dog a week earlier. "The family that owned the dog had actually seen it in the dog's bed, which was a sign it was out to get it," said Stuart Douglas, owner of the Australian Venom Zoo. "They should have called me then." The shocking discovery was made by two children aged 5 and 7 who cheerd the carnage but lamented the clean-up. "Its legs were doing the funny kick like on the cartoons when someone gets dropped on their skull!" said Timmy, the 7 year old. 5 year old Lisa sat motionless throughout the interview clutching a dog collar and blnking like a laid off postal worker.
Tatiana The Tiger: A fallen comrade...ha ha, dumb tiger!
HMJ: Do you see the pain and emotional damage you've caused to this family?
S: Damage? I waited in that things bed a week ago and these people did nothing! They saw me laying there like: "Hello, I'm a snake! I'd like to eat your f--king dog!" Poke me with a stick? Crush my head with a rock? Nothing!
The hardened belly crawler then broke down and wept uncontrollably.
S: Come on dude...I got problems, man! Problems!. My whole life, man...my ancestors in the Bible...they said we're responsible for the downfall of humanity. Humanity man! Then my cousins who eat mice and also kill people, they get GEICO commercials. They dance around with Naomi Campbell...I want to help people with affordable insurance rates! I wanna dance with black chicks. I can do that. You people just don't know. You f--kin' people!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
We're so scared for her.
All calls to Obama campaign headquarters by us were met with laughter and a dial tone but we will not stop.
Your opponent happens to be white and you may want to...you know...choke her?
We here at Help Me Jebus are waiting, you white girl choking monster.
No seriously dude, we're waiting.