Friday, February 22, 2008

Yeah, But I'm Still Alive...Today

This week New York Magazine premiered a stunning tribute to legendary drug-addled trampoline Marilyn Monroe by having not so-legendary, drug addled receptacle Lindsay Lohan mimic her "Last Sitting" photo spread from 46 years earlier. Original photographer Bert Stern shot Lohan in various stages of dress and undress for his pictorial that accompanies a recent Li-Lo interview. The stunning photos were shot in black and white and color and are viewed as an attempt to resucitate the 21 year-old's floundering, post-I Know Who Killed Me carreer.

Some excerpts form the interview:

  • When asked about Heath Ledger's and Monroe's untimely deaths: “They are both prime examples of what this industry can do to someone… I don’t know. I’m not them. But I sure as hell wouldn’t let it happen to me. I'll probably be driven mad by syphilis but drugs...Vicodin are like Skittles to me.”

  • Regarding nudity: You know how many cell phone cameras in Hollywood have pics of my junk? Are you serious? Tasteful nudity? Oh you mean with nothing in my mouth? Oh, that's cool too."

  • On Monroe herself: “Here is a woman who is giving herself to the public. She’s saying, ‘Look, you’ve taken a lot from me, so why don’t I give it to you myself?’ She’s taking control back. I can't believe she blew out her o-ring on the casting couch though. Did you hear about that? Totally had no elasticity...that's so gross!"

"I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically. For him to call Lindsay 46 years later and to say can you recreate these photos is an honor." beamed a proud Dina Lohan. She then added "Look at her cans, they're gorgeous! They're heavenly! The amount of product anyone of her boyfriends and myself have snorted off of them...I couldn't begin to tell you. The world should be so lucky to see them...again." Lohan went on to say her daughter was a huge Marilyn Monroe fan even though the star was long dead by the time she started to live vicariously through her child via her Disney money.

"Drink alot of Red Bull tonight...yeah dude...both of us!"

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

End Of An Error? Castro Steps Down...Kinda

"Change my diaper with cold hands and you get this!"

“It would be a betrayal to my conscience to accept a responsibility requiring more mobility and dedication than I am physically able to offer,” with those words a 50 year reign of tyranny came to an end...sorta. Fidel Castro stepped down today as president of Cuba "relinquishing his power" to his brother Raúl which is like deciding you'd rather be stabbed to death slowly than be put in front of a firing squad. The younger Castro has been in power since the summer of 2006 when the elderly death dealer took ill.

The news was met with mixed results. While most Cubans rejoiced at the fact the hated leader would be taking a lesser role in their homelands government, they also realized that the entire regime would have to be nuked to sub-atomic particles in order for them to enjoy simple pleasures like reading a book of their own choosing or the ability to travel. "I guess it's cool, " said Gustavo Mendoza through a translator. Also adding "It's very similar to having a bowl of vomit on one side in front of you and a bowl of feces on the other. You have to eat one or else you'll get shot in the head, right?...Right?" He then became inconsolable as he tore off his shirt and dropped to his knees with his palms upturned as he wailed like the mother of a shot gang banger.

Mourned by his brothers-in-arms.

Revered by his peers, news of the geriatric, genocidal maniac's resignation had a sombering effect throughout the world of evil. Emperor Palpatine said via-satellite "Not good. Not good at all. When I met young Castro he was unfamiliar with the darkside. It wasn't until he choked a family of four with his mind at the age of 16 just because their oldest daughter was unattractive that he realized that this bad guy shit was gonna be fun. Sad. Very sad." The all powerful Eternal Ruler Of Hell, Satan was shocked when we told him the news as he strolled the streets of Miami. "Aw no...dude...are you shittin' me?" Then through tear-filled eyes he related these feelings to us: "Sometimes when those people would plan their esacpes, me and F-Bomb (his pet name for the dictator) would watch as they prepared their make shift boats from pieces of wood and card board. Then we would just laugh as their poorly made life boats would disintergrate and they screamed in agony as the sharks tore the flesh from their bodies . I said "It doesn't get any better than this!" and he put his arm around me and said: "No my friend, it doesn't!" and we just fired back enough Coronas to put a frat boy in intensive care and laughed til we cried. Oh god, I feel sick." The devil then abruptly ended the interview and wept uncontrollably for a full 15 minutes.

Sad indeed.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Chelsea Crushes Kid Reporter

"Look at them, frightened...each and every one of them!"

David Shuster's mouth has seemingly written a check his behind can't cash and now the rest of the news media is paying for it. In the wake of Pimp-Gate in which the news correspondent commented how her mothers campaign "pimped her out", Chelsea Clinton and the rest of the Hillary '08 campaign ain't takin' no guff from anyone! The first step was the "indefinite suspension" of Shuster (now to be lifted on February 22nd). Next she issued a decree that her child was "off-limits" to the media in any age bracket during her campaign as "kid reporter" Sydney Rieckhoff quickly found out.

Recently in Iowa Rieckhoff a budding reporter for journalism powerhouse Scholastic News , pursued Chelsea to ask her some hard hitting questions. After fighting her way through the sweaty throngs of reporters, the fourth grader hit the former first daughter with a barrage of questions. After the customary "What's your favorite color?" and "How does your mother's healthcare program differ from others?", the Nancy Grace-in-training went for the jugular with "Do you think your dad would be a good "first man" in the White House?" The first spawn responded "I'm sorry, I don't talk to the press and that applies to you. Even though I think you're cute." What happened next is really sketchy as some say the child was maced and put in an armbar by burly Secret Service men while others say demons shot forth from her mouth knocking the child to the floor as they rested the tape recorder from her fragile hands.

A consumate professional, Rieckhoff handled the ordeal stoicly.

"I threw up and pee-peed. Something with wings and bad breath grabbed me...I was so scared" said the stunned elementary schooler. She then added "My dad, said it was her mommy's fault that Vince Foster is dead. Maybe it's good I didn't get to ask her if it was true? I want ice cream." While admitting no wrongdoing, Hillary Clinton did acknowledge the incident. "What is she, nine? Ten? She'll be OK. The snot running from her nose...the quivering lips, I loved it. She's broken now. " The child is said to be on temporary leave for "mental health" issues according to Scholastic News.