Thursday, March 13, 2008

Jebus Jabber: The David Paterson Interview

"You dropped the ball, Captain Clean! Ha ha!"

Among the rubble of the Eliot Spitzer campaign there seems to be a flower of a carreer blooming. Liuetenant Governor David Paterson, was sworn in today as governor-designate for the state of New York amid the frenzied hoopla of the still reeling, Spitzer administration. Help Me Jebus! was there at this historic event and the freshly minted governor sat down with us for a quick Q&A:

" she making a face again?"

Help Me Jebus: Do you see yourself as having the same ideals as Spitzer or someone that can turn Albany in a new direction?

David Paterson: I can't see anything.

HMJ: What do you see happening to former governor Spitzer?

DP: Uh...nothing?

HMJ: Would you ever get into such a predicament?

DP: Nah, can't see that happening?

HMJ: What do you think of "Kristen"?

DP: I can't see what all the fuss is about. I really can't see it.

HMJ: Likes and dislikes?

DP: I like feeling like I can make a change up here in Albany. Dislikes? When my co-workers hide stuff. Not funny at all. My sense of hearing is superhuman. I can hear them giggling under their breaths. News Flash: I can hear an ant scream when it's crushed a block away, ya douchebags!

HMJ: Do you look forward to any gubernatorial perks?

DP: Perks? My driver gets the best spot already! Do you see the plates on that baby parked outside? That little blue guy in the chair has more juice than Oprah in a room full of mid-western housewives.

HMJ: Finally, how does it feel to be New York's first black Governor?

DP: I'm WHAT!?!
Oklahoma State Rep Sally Kern: "Gays Just As Dangerous As Terrorists!"

"Lesbian? No, why does everybody keep asking me that?"

Her resemblance to stereotypical lesbian, high school gym teachers be damned Sally Kern says "Gays are bad!" and that lifestyle is destroying America. The Oklahoma State representative quoting an anonymous "study" said that "No society that has completely embraced homosexuality, has lasted more know...a few decades." Pointing out what she believes to be a trend of "indoctrination", the representative claims "the gays" are going on a recruting drive that would make the U.S. Army blush. Also pointing out that the mighty bastion of American politics, the Eureeka Springs city council has been infiltrated and is now controlled by "the gays".

Kern expressed concern that groups of homosexuals will eventually lock arms with each other and hurl themselves toward sky scrapers, causing more devastation than a fiendish Al Qaeda plot ever did. She then went on to say that gays:

  • have shorter life expectancies

  • have a higher rate of suicide

  • tend to dress better

  • get all the good talk shows on TV

Kern's live in "friend" Chris

Her comments have set off a firestorm of controversey but her "friend" Chris says that Kern "Only wants what's best for America" and that if people took the time to listen, she had said "alot of stuff about blacks and muslims because they're gross too and could you imagine if they were all gay 'n stuff? Jesus."


Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Ol' Dirty Spitzer Says: Ooh Baby, I Like It Raw

Left to right: Plain Ol' Dirty & Ol' Dirty

Word out of Albany NY is not only did Eliot Spitzer run up an $80,000 tab on "ho business", but he was also down with the ODB and shunned the use of prophylactics. Yes, the Love Gov likes to raw dog it like he's making movies with Jenna Jameson.

Kristen: "Hey, does the clap come with that shake?"

The most famous singularly named whore since Madonna, Empire Club rent-a-cooch Kristen stated that Spitzer would often ask her to "do things that you might not think were safe." (like being a WHORE?) This was implied to mean that the governor often chose to dive in without a wetsuit. Ever the negotiator and wary of her own personal health, the high priced trampoline said she handled it by saying "I'd be like, listen dude do you really want the sex?" THEN CHARGED HIM EXTRA.

When news of these allegations was brought to the attention of Senator Ted Kennedy he responded "Wow, he should have called me...or Gary Condit."

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Holy Spit: NY Governor is A FREAK!

"I get my balls back when we get home, right?"

NY Governor, Eliot Spitzer held an emergency press conference yesterday to announce that he was "sorry" for doing "something" to his family. He asked for time in deciding what to do next and said he would take no questions. Oh yeah...that "something" was ordering whores on tax payer money to the tune of $5,500 a pop(Ba-zing!). Client # 9 as he is referred to in seized documents has allegedly been getting fat on "ho cake" for possibly six years!

Origininally suspected of taking bribes or campaign fraud, Spitzer had been under surveillance for months by investigators. They were stunned when wiretaps and flagged bank records showed the disgraced crime fighter was spending a peculiar amount of money on QAT an alleged dummy corporation used to shield the funds of The Emperors Club, a hoochie vendor that pulled in $1million dollars in profit over four years. "It's like finding a $100 bill in a box of Cracker Jack," said a still visibly stunned investigator. "Talk about getting more than what you asked for! This shit only happens on Law & Order!"

"Dude it was like that! Virgin, my ass!"

Former President, Bill Clinton said: "It's a sad day for New York and a sad day for interns everywhere. I can't believe he paid!" Equally sullied former U.S. Representative Gary Condit, wept openly for Spitzer and uttered repeatedly "He should have called me." The Governor's stoic wife Silda Wall Spitzer, has recently filed a petition to have the "S" in her name legally changed to a "$"(dollar sign) because as she puts it, "A bitch is about to get PAID!"

Silda Wall Spitzer after visiting The Law Offices of Howie, Leavem & Broke

Monday, March 10, 2008

Seven Deadly Sins: DA REMIX!

"Crack is wack! Can you dig it? Can you dig it? CAN YOU DIG IT?"

Kanye West. Diddy. Dr. Dre. The Vatican? Taking a page from the book of Kanyezee, the Catholic Church decided to take something really old (1,500 years to be exact) that no one has given much thought to in a while and remixed it fresh for the '08! Citing a need for them due to a "decreasing sense of sin in today’s securalised world”, the Pope decided to add on to the original Seven Seadly Sins to make it "hip" for the kids.

The new or "iSins" as the Chucrh wants to call them include:

  • "Evil genetic manipulators" or scientists involved in cloning, stem cell research, etc.

  • abuse of drugs "God thinks crack is wack too"

  • huge inequality of lining an organizations coffers for the sake of "hush money"

  • Environmental callousness or "littering"...turns out Woodsy the Owl was a Prophet: Give a Hoot or YOUR SOUL WILL BURN IN HELL FOR AN ETERNITY!
  • and strangely asterisked and footnoted with "do as I say" in the smallest print legible: pedophila

The last thing you see before your anguished screams echo in hell.

Bishop Gianfranco Girotti, head of the Apostolic Penitentiary, the Vatican body that oversees confessions and plenary indulgences, said priests must take account of “new sins which have appeared on the horizon of humanity as a corollary of the unstoppable process of globalization”. The Catholic Church divides sins into venial, or less serious, sins and mortal sins. It holds mortal sins to be ‘grave violations of the Ten Commandments and the Beatitudes’ and holds that ‘the souls of those who die in a state of mortal sin descend into Hell’. Suprisingly, denigration of women, shaking down the poor and downtrodden for tithe, and homosexuality(or the "so-so" sin as they like to call it) were mysteriously omitted.