"If Two and A Half Men is a repeat again tonight, I swear to god..."
After giving sworn testimony on Capitol Hill yesterday 7-time Cy Young winner and OJ-level delusional liar, Roger Clemens was dealt another serious blow to his crusade to prove his innocence in an ongoing steroid investigation. Brian McNamee, his trainer and alleged supplier handed over used syringes, bloody gauze and other effects that could implicate him for lying about his use of performance enhancing drugs. "Roger Clemens has put himself in a position where his legacy as the greatest pitcher in baseball will depend less on his ERA and more on his DNA," said Earl Ward, a lawyer for McNamee.
The evidence allegedly comes from 2000 and 2001, the time whem McNamee says he personally injected the former Red Sox and Yankee great. "You are about to see part two of the Duke case" warned Rusty Hardin, a Clemens attorney. "Not so much with the black chick having a train run on her by priviliedged white guys and then she accuses them but they get off because she was a lying stripper whore anyway but you know...just take out the lacrosse team and put Roger in their place but he's like totally guilty but still rich and white and the lying, whore stripper is also white but...you know not nearly as rich or famous?" The attorney went on to suggest that this is helpful to their case as it shows McNamee to be determined to "ruin a guy that people will always like more than him because he's rich and it's really sad."
In a related story, Clemens family dog Cocoa, a teacup chihuahua was disqualified from a local dog show for being "overweight" for her division. "When does the persecution of my family end?" the baeseball great lamented. "Just look at her, she's the sweetest two year-old you've ever seen. I remember when I brought her home she fit in the palm of my hand. She's still so tiny. I'm gonna find who runs that show and rip their god damned liver and kindeys out. Cook them and feed it to them. Let them crap it out and make them eat it again." Clemens then shouted obscenities at a busload of handicapped children before boarding the bus and punching each child while handing them an autographed baseball.
Cocoa Clemens, such a cutie.