Friday, February 08, 2008

Bloody Syringe, Bloody Gauze...Bloody Hell, I Still Didn't Do It!

"If Two and A Half Men is a repeat again tonight, I swear to god..."

After giving sworn testimony on Capitol Hill yesterday 7-time Cy Young winner and OJ-level delusional liar, Roger Clemens was dealt another serious blow to his crusade to prove his innocence in an ongoing steroid investigation. Brian McNamee, his trainer and alleged supplier handed over used syringes, bloody gauze and other effects that could implicate him for lying about his use of performance enhancing drugs. "Roger Clemens has put himself in a position where his legacy as the greatest pitcher in baseball will depend less on his ERA and more on his DNA," said Earl Ward, a lawyer for McNamee.

The evidence allegedly comes from 2000 and 2001, the time whem McNamee says he personally injected the former Red Sox and Yankee great. "You are about to see part two of the Duke case" warned Rusty Hardin, a Clemens attorney. "Not so much with the black chick having a train run on her by priviliedged white guys and then she accuses them but they get off because she was a lying stripper whore anyway but you know...just take out the lacrosse team and put Roger in their place but he's like totally guilty but still rich and white and the lying, whore stripper is also white know not nearly as rich or famous?" The attorney went on to suggest that this is helpful to their case as it shows McNamee to be determined to "ruin a guy that people will always like more than him because he's rich and it's really sad."

In a related story, Clemens family dog Cocoa, a teacup chihuahua was disqualified from a local dog show for being "overweight" for her division. "When does the persecution of my family end?" the baeseball great lamented. "Just look at her, she's the sweetest two year-old you've ever seen. I remember when I brought her home she fit in the palm of my hand. She's still so tiny. I'm gonna find who runs that show and rip their god damned liver and kindeys out. Cook them and feed it to them. Let them crap it out and make them eat it again." Clemens then shouted obscenities at a busload of handicapped children before boarding the bus and punching each child while handing them an autographed baseball.

Cocoa Clemens, such a cutie.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Can't Take No Mormon: Romney Done!

Citing his reasons as being best for "our party and our country", Mitt "Big Love" Romney pulled the plug on a losing campaign. A wise decision considering the cost of running it was nearing the price tag of the latest Spider-Man sequel. The walls slowly closed in on him after a stunning loss to a Chuck Norris assisted Mike Huckabee at the Iowa Caucus. From then on his mormoness was repeatedly ridiculed by the Holy Huckster and it led to several very nasty and personal exchanges on the campaign trail. Finally, Senator John McCain sealed his pompadoured fate when he came from behind steadily to overtake both God groupies and scoop Super Tuesday.

The former Massachusetts governor said dropping out was necessary because he feared any prolonged campaigning would "make it easier" for Senator Clinton or Obama to win. "In this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror. This is not an easy decision. I hate to lose," he said. He also noted how he was waiting for more "jive talk" from the Illinois senator and how he had heard rumors on how the former first lady actually stands at a urinal and has a deeper voice than most women he has met.

"We'll kill ya Mitt! Both of us...we'll f--kin' kill ya!"

The crowd booed when McCain was mentioned leading the fallen candidate to say "I disagree with Senator McCain on a number of issues but, I agree with him on doing whatever it takes to be successful in Iraq, on finding and executing Osama bin Laden, and I agree with him on eliminating Al Qaeda and terror worldwide!" Finally stating "F-ck Mike Huckabee if he doesn't want to step down and f-ck his buddy with the Just For Men beard too, I'm not scared of him." Mistakenly thinking he saw Norris, Romney flinched like a battered housewife and then stepped down from the podium.

Monday, February 04, 2008

#1 And Double The Fun, Hannah Montana Tops B.O. By Doubling Ticket Price

Number one with an asterisk* Disney and Miley/Sybil/Hannah Montana/Billie Jean/ Jo Cyrus will have to settle for that after a surprising but somewhat tainted victory. In what was the best Super Bowl Weekend opening ever, Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert took in a surpising $31.1M to overtake last weeks champ Meet the Spartans which dropped to third place. Disney however, assured its victory by eliminating all children's discounts on the limited run movie and doubling the ticket price in all theaters. "We are pleasantly surprised by the strong showing of this concert film," said a Disney rep. He also added "It's a great family film and any kid whose parents don't take them to see it, look at your parents and realize that they've never loved you and your life is an empty lie."

"I'm bankrupting your parents financially and morally, shhh!"

Winnie Carter of Culver City, California was one of a lucky few who won a local radio station's Montana-themed contests for tickets. "They only wanted one child and I got here first," the mother shrugged. "They are sending my youngest boy off to Sri-Lanka to work at a "men's resort" of some kind or whatever they said, but he's happy. He knows his sister wanted those tickets real bad. We love you, Billy."

The movie which was initially scheduled for a seven day run was such a wallet-raping success, that the house that Song of the South built has decided to extend the run. "Some theaters may get one week others may get two." said the flack. He then added "We're gonna get that money. Even if we have to get Miley to ring your doorbell so you answer it then when you do we beat you like Joe Pesci in Casino, we're gonna get it!"

Brady Gets Grass Stains, Giants Win Super Bowl XLII

"Ref! The guys in white...they touched ME!"

In what can be called the greatest Super Bowl game ever played, the New England Patriots took their rightful place in history next to all the other losing teams as they were soundly defeated by the New York Giants. Emperor Belichick and Darth Brady were unable to overcome the Giants ability to lay hands on him and were told of their loss shortly after they left the field with seconds to go. "My pants...they're d-dirty...diiiiiirty!" uttered a visbly shaken Tom Brady. Giselle Bundchen's meat wad was harshly introduced to the game of PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL this Sunday as he was touched by an opposing teams defense. "They ran at me and pushed!" he said "...and the language..the pants...dirty..."

"Goood...oh wait, we lost? Not so goood."

It wasn't just the Giant-D that was responsible as quarterback Eli Manning threw a masterful game in which he outdueled New England's All-Pro douche. Patriots coach Bill Belichick made it seem as if he predicted it by saying "The Giants of New York shall defeat us in this game and reap the benefits of praise and adulation for their act of heroism." When informed that this wasn't a bad thing the coach responded "Well, I didn't finish yet!" he proclaimed " They will also um...ya know, not get really cool rings like we got or hot girls or anything like that and uh...probably the runs for like a good week." He then wrung his hands and hissed "Um...Good?" before abruptly ending the interview.

The win halts the Pats run at perfection leaving the '72 Dolphins as the sole undefeated Super Bowl Champ and leaving this team with alot of unanswered questions and an assload of "19-0 The Perfect Season" t-shirts to be sold on the cheap on Ebay.

Don Shula laughed himself into intensive care shortly after this report.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Ann Coulter Threatens To Back Hillary

The botoxed face of evil

In a move that shows there may be a bit of dissention in the ranks of The GOP, sentient demon-vagina, Ann Coulter swore in an interview with Hannity and Colmes that she would campaign for Hillary Clinton if John McCain received her party's nomination for president. Coulter fumed that he was a" Republican in name only", that he was "not only bad for Republicanism but bad for America" and "how can I trust someone who's never looked into the eyes of a distraught mother as they devour the soul of their first born? Everyone knows my resume."

Coulter after "convincing" an undecided voter.

Coulter wasn't the only one miffed as pill-popping, cradle robbing right-wing douche Rush Limbaugh chimed in as well. "He is not the choice of conservatives, as opposed to the choice of the Republican establishment — and that distinction is key," Limbaugh continued. "The Republican establishment, which has long sought to rid the party of conservative influence since Reagan, is feeling a victory today as well as our friends in the media." also adding "You're so god damned righteous! We let the coloreds vote and women too! Don't they have a chihuaha at the polls to point out where all the maids and day laborers can vote too? I mean Jesus, you want to take this "liberal" thing and run willy-nilly with it, huh? Well, he sucks! John McCain sucks!" Limbaugh then walked over to a parked car, punched out the drivers side window and ran off with the stereo.

"She said whaa?"

When informed of the Republican spitfire's comments, the former first lady responded with a confused "Dude...what?" she then emphatically added "Aww hell to the nah, she did not say that! Did she?"