Thursday, February 07, 2008

Can't Take No Mormon: Romney Done!

Citing his reasons as being best for "our party and our country", Mitt "Big Love" Romney pulled the plug on a losing campaign. A wise decision considering the cost of running it was nearing the price tag of the latest Spider-Man sequel. The walls slowly closed in on him after a stunning loss to a Chuck Norris assisted Mike Huckabee at the Iowa Caucus. From then on his mormoness was repeatedly ridiculed by the Holy Huckster and it led to several very nasty and personal exchanges on the campaign trail. Finally, Senator John McCain sealed his pompadoured fate when he came from behind steadily to overtake both God groupies and scoop Super Tuesday.

The former Massachusetts governor said dropping out was necessary because he feared any prolonged campaigning would "make it easier" for Senator Clinton or Obama to win. "In this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror. This is not an easy decision. I hate to lose," he said. He also noted how he was waiting for more "jive talk" from the Illinois senator and how he had heard rumors on how the former first lady actually stands at a urinal and has a deeper voice than most women he has met.

"We'll kill ya Mitt! Both of us...we'll f--kin' kill ya!"

The crowd booed when McCain was mentioned leading the fallen candidate to say "I disagree with Senator McCain on a number of issues but, I agree with him on doing whatever it takes to be successful in Iraq, on finding and executing Osama bin Laden, and I agree with him on eliminating Al Qaeda and terror worldwide!" Finally stating "F-ck Mike Huckabee if he doesn't want to step down and f-ck his buddy with the Just For Men beard too, I'm not scared of him." Mistakenly thinking he saw Norris, Romney flinched like a battered housewife and then stepped down from the podium.

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