Tuesday, February 19, 2008

End Of An Error? Castro Steps Down...Kinda

"Change my diaper with cold hands and you get this!"

“It would be a betrayal to my conscience to accept a responsibility requiring more mobility and dedication than I am physically able to offer,” with those words a 50 year reign of tyranny came to an end...sorta. Fidel Castro stepped down today as president of Cuba "relinquishing his power" to his brother Raúl which is like deciding you'd rather be stabbed to death slowly than be put in front of a firing squad. The younger Castro has been in power since the summer of 2006 when the elderly death dealer took ill.

The news was met with mixed results. While most Cubans rejoiced at the fact the hated leader would be taking a lesser role in their homelands government, they also realized that the entire regime would have to be nuked to sub-atomic particles in order for them to enjoy simple pleasures like reading a book of their own choosing or the ability to travel. "I guess it's cool, " said Gustavo Mendoza through a translator. Also adding "It's very similar to having a bowl of vomit on one side in front of you and a bowl of feces on the other. You have to eat one or else you'll get shot in the head, right?...Right?" He then became inconsolable as he tore off his shirt and dropped to his knees with his palms upturned as he wailed like the mother of a shot gang banger.

Mourned by his brothers-in-arms.

Revered by his peers, news of the geriatric, genocidal maniac's resignation had a sombering effect throughout the world of evil. Emperor Palpatine said via-satellite "Not good. Not good at all. When I met young Castro he was unfamiliar with the darkside. It wasn't until he choked a family of four with his mind at the age of 16 just because their oldest daughter was unattractive that he realized that this bad guy shit was gonna be fun. Sad. Very sad." The all powerful Eternal Ruler Of Hell, Satan was shocked when we told him the news as he strolled the streets of Miami. "Aw no...dude...are you shittin' me?" Then through tear-filled eyes he related these feelings to us: "Sometimes when those people would plan their esacpes, me and F-Bomb (his pet name for the dictator) would watch as they prepared their make shift boats from pieces of wood and card board. Then we would just laugh as their poorly made life boats would disintergrate and they screamed in agony as the sharks tore the flesh from their bodies . I said "It doesn't get any better than this!" and he put his arm around me and said: "No my friend, it doesn't!" and we just fired back enough Coronas to put a frat boy in intensive care and laughed til we cried. Oh god, I feel sick." The devil then abruptly ended the interview and wept uncontrollably for a full 15 minutes.

Sad indeed.

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