Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Bush: I've Got Terrorists Bitchified!

"You're god damned right! What? Yeah... I thought so!"

In what was his final State Of The Union Address, the "Duh"mander-In-Chief did not dissappoint fans of John Wayne or The Lone Ranger. With a seeming extra set of hands that he grew, George Bush was able to toot his own horn as well as pat himself on the back simultaneously. With much bravado the president exclaimed in front of a joint session of Congress "Some may deny the surge is working, but among the terrorists there is no doubt," he then uttered to thunderous applause "Al Qaeda is on the run in Iraq and this enemy will be defeated! Yeah mother f---ers!" When asked how any of this has anything to do with the capture of Osama bin Laden, Bush quickly changed the topic of discussion to what's going on with American Idol and how he was "sad" for Britney Spears.

Some of the other "high" point of his address was when he:

  • Gave Iran a stark warning to "come clean" about its nuclear ambitions and subsequently appointed Roger Clemens to lead the investigation.

  • Acknowledged "uncertainty" in the US economy and urged Congress to quickly pass the agreed-upon stimulus plan, but warned against withdrawing from free-trade agreements.

  • Urged the creation of an "international clean-technology fund" to help developing nations use cleaner energy.

  • Gave a shout out to Halliburton,who just started an "International clean-technology division" to help developing nations use cleaner energy

While trumpeting his "victory", Bush noted that this would likely have not been possible, had it not been for sending some 30,000 additional troops to Iraq a year ago over the fierce objection of Democrats in Congress. He also laughed at the notion that those objections would have been taken seriously in the first place.

"This one's almost big enough to hold a rifle. Get his name!"

No comments: