Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Readin', Writin' And Rippin' Your Damn Guts Open

Kevin "Kevie" Henkins 8, alleged ringleader of the Waycross 9

Long gone are the days of firing wadded up toilet tissue at the back of your teachers head. Thanks to a newfound dedication to organization and guerilla tactics, a gang of precocious Georgia 4th graders were rounded up for conspiracy to handcuff, duct tape and stab a teacher for reprimanding one of them for standing on a chair. The sociopaths-in-training range in ages from 8-10.

World renowned "bully", Butch (left) wonders "when did kids start getting so mean?"

The plot was uncovered by another student who overheard the 9 children plotting over a Capri Sun fueled, playground session. "They got all mean and stuff and one kid was like "I'ma cut this bitch" and another kid was like "No way!" but then the kid was like "Yes way!" and he was all like "triple dog dare me" and someone did. Can't go back on a triple dog dare." said a little girl on the grounds of anonymity. Legendary, schoolyard bully and motivational speaker Butch, from The Little Rascals said he was saddened by the whole incident stating "That's not how it was done in my day, ya know? Put a frog in a kids pants or some fireworks and then use a magnifying glass but this...oh Jesus...they would have put me at the bottom of a lake...and what would they have done to Stymie?" the elderly antagonist broke down and asked that the interview be stopped.

Waycross, GA police have also confiscated the Toyco Lil' Psycho Bag O' Death, a product containing many of the implements of destruction the youths needed to carry out the payback intended for the "meanie pants" as one of the suspects referred to the teacher. Toyco reps have released the following statement: "We here at Toyco DO NOT condone the use of the Bag O' Death or any of our Lil' Psycho products for anything other than fun and practice. Jesus, Play-Doh has a shitty little hamburger maker that they put out but you don't see kids actually eating the stuff, do you? And if you did, then that kid is pretty damn stupid because it's clay and clay hamburgers taste like shit. I mean, come on!"

Lil' Psycho Bag O' Death: For ages 5 & Up

All students have been suspended for various lengths of time, depending on the severity of their involvement. All will be required to attend anger management classes. Actual criminal charges are pending because...well, it's Georgia.

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