Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Jenna Jameson Finally Closes Shop And Legs

The flags at Astroglide Headquarters in Vista, California are flying at half mast today as news of Jenna Jameson's retirement spread like a biblically virulent case of mega herpes on the set of one of her films. Over the weekend at the AVN Adult Movie Awards, "America's Petrie Dish" called it a career saying: "I will never ever spread my legs again in this industry ever." which is the equivalent of Bobby Brown saying he's had enough cocaine. Jameson then went on to say she will focus on her web business, her relationship with Mixed Martial Arts fighter Tito Ortiz and try to do things like eat a sandwhich every six months because it's something she remembers as being "fun".

Spankmasters everywhere remember her fondly from her stellar adult film debut in Up and Cummers 10. Her rise to the top was meteoric with some people referring to her as the "greatest pornstar that ever lived" which is like telling someone they have the cutest crippling disfigurement. She became the highest grossing adult star ever earning $60,000 per film and up to $25,000 a night for "dancing". "When it smelled like a bunch of rubber tires on fire, we knew Jenna was in the building and she was gettin' busy!" said Wayne "Drippy" Cummings, a production assistant on most of her films. "She'll be missed here at the clinic." said a physician on the grounds of anonimity "I bought a Rolls and an inground pool on the penicilin money alone...bless her man. God bless her."

Jenna'a Meatbags: Mulling a solo career

The first man to climb Mount Everest died this week at 88. We were going to do a piece on Sir Edmund Hillary but for all his vast accomplishments, he never did 12 guys with no lube.

God bless Jenna indeed!

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