Thursday, April 24, 2008

Rocky The Bear Kills Trainer, Tells Police "Hey, I'm A F-cking Bear!"

Rocky on the set of his latest film: Babysitter Bear co-starring Dakota Fanning.

Once again it has happened. When will human beings learn that we can not trust animals? No matter how much you train them, they will always have the propensity to revert to acting like...ANIMALS! Yesterday Rocky the Bear, co-star of such films as Gladiator, The Last Samurai and most recently the Will Ferrell yukfest Semi-Pro threw his ability to control his primal urges to the wind and murdered his trainer Stephen Miller, in cold blood. As he was being led away caged and shackled he uttered: "Dude, I'm a bear! I'm a f-cking bear!"

"He wasn't seeing the money." said F. Bear

Sources say that the 5 year-old, carnivorous grizzly was going through with a daily training exercise when it seems he playfully licked Miller's face before inexplicably clamping his mighty jaws down on his neck as others looked on in horror. Onlooker Rusty Cambridge said: "I've never seen anything like that. I mean, do bears eat people? Where is that written? Oh my god." While many see it as a beast reverting back to its nature, others say that over the past few months trainer and bear have had a strained relationship at best. "He wasn't seeing any real money." said his best friend who asked to be identified only as F. Bear. "Bottom line, you're doing movies with Crowe, Tom Cruise and Will Ferrell you expect to see some serious scratch. Nothing, man. Dude was having salmon thrown at him from a f-cking bucket and still wiping his ass with leaves. He was in an Oscar nominated film for Christ's sake! You get to a point where you're like: "OK, hey where's my money man? Maybe I should rip your f-cking face off one day?" That's why me and the frog don't talk, you know?"

Rusty's dad warns paparazzi to stay away or he'll "rip their throats out."

Others close to the situation claim it was not characteristic of the lovable bear to act like...a bear. Rusty's father had this to say "We told him, stay here! Stay in the woods! His mother and I tried. Lord knows we did. You couldn't tell him anything though because he always had those bright lights in his eyes." Visibly saddened, the bear who raised him added "Once he got out there though, he had access to drugs. More booze than a college student. And the white women...always the white women. Sometimes you call his cell for days on end and a different tramp would answer all giggly and saying he was "asleep" and we'd have to call back...We love you son!"

Rusty now awaits a decision from animal authorities who are contemplating euthenizing him.

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