Thursday, April 24, 2008

No Rice For You! Well...sorta

Coming to a museum near you: RICE!

Worldwide fears of food shortages have forced wholesale warehouse chains like Sam's Club and Costco as well as Walmart to clamp down on the sale of rice at many of their U.S. locations. Starting today, customers are only allowed to purchase four 20lb bags of rice per store visit. When news that only 80lbs of rice was available per customer it sent shockwaves of fear through consumers countrywide. "It's just me and two cats." said Amy Humbucker of Topeka, Kansas. "What the hell do I do with 80 lbs of rice from one weekly visit? We may not make it. We are truly at the end of days!"

"I swear to Jesus Christ, I will blast a fool!"

If the shortage does hit, mass hysteria is becoming a growing concern for rice farmers everywhere. Fears of panicked consumers possibly rioting and looting for food has sounded an alarm. Legendary long-grain baron and owner of the largest rice-producing facilities in the country Uncle Ben, said he expects the worst but doesn't fear it as he has been stock piling firearms at his plants for the last ten years. "Lord knows I been waitin' for this day." said the ageless symbol of rice consumption. "Bastards had me picking this crap for free once. Now I run this! You want rice, it goes through my hands first! He then angrily proclaimed "King Kong ain't got shit on me! I will blast a fool if he tries to take my rice without paying for it!"

Keke Ndudi (left): All smiles moments before we told him of our nation's plight which lead to threats of violence.

Jebus foreign correspondant Artie Knigge, brought word of our dilemma to a village in West Africa to gauge a response. When hit with news of this, youngster Keke Ndudi responded "Only 80lbs of rice per family per store visit? Really? And hot and cold running water and cholera is almost unheard of huh?" He then looked around quizzically and asked "When does Ashton Kutcher jump out and tell me this is a joke? I swear to god I'm probably going to kill you all. Seriously."

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