Friday, June 06, 2008

No Country For Straight Men:
Man Accidentally Walks Into Sex And The City Screening

Last night seemed like any other night to Mark Henriquez of Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn. He went to the local Loewes Humongoplex Theater with his girlfriend to catch the eight o’clock showing of Iron Man but it wasn’t meant to be. Henriquez shares his harrowing account with HMJ.

“We were sitting there waiting for the movie to start but we were both hungry. I should have gotten the food on the way in but I wanted to get us good seats.” said Henriquez. The young man however decided to go for refreshments after the movie had started. After the initial shock of taking out a home equity loan for pop corn two hot dogs and a large diet soda, the disoriented New Yorker attempted to return to the theater to enjoy the food with his mate but that never happened.

Left to right: Kristin Davis, Sarah Jessica Parker and Cynthia Nixon (not pictured Kim Catrall's re-animated corpse.)

“I guess after wiping the tears from my eyes, I was a little confused. I walked into a theater and I sat down next to a girl who was dressed very similar to mine and just started eating and talking.” He added. “First thing I noticed was Jeff Bridges looked like shit but they kept calling him “Samantha”. I wasn’t aware of any character in Iron Man by that name and I figured they added him for the movie. Then I noticed Robert Downey Jr's arms were very toned for the part but he was wearing heels and I thought they really “uglied him up” to make him look tougher but I was wrong, it was Sarah Jessica Parker.” Once he realized where he was, the horror slowly sank in. “It smelled like weak alcohol and the Bath & Body Works at the Galleria. I was scared because I could sense the self pity and the need for an actual penis as opposed to a plastic one…from the women and the men in there. I tried to get up and run but I tripped and fell in the aisle. When I looked up, it was like the last scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. One of those women took her top down and I felt my face start to melt like soft serve ice cream. I can’t believe that was rated R. It’s a snuff film and I’m suing all parties involved. I don’t even know if my girlfriend made it home last night because I crawled out of there with my eyes closed and staggered home. Honey if you made it home, call me.” Calls to Loewes theaters and Mark's girlfriend went unreturned.

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