Saturday, January 05, 2008

Britney Spears Released From Hospital, Media Still Wringing Its Hands At The Prospect Of Her Suicide

Almost had her that time, guys!

Early Friday morning fallen pop idol, Britney Spears was admitted to Cedars Sinai Hospital after a standoff with police in which her children were removed from her custody. She is expected to lose visitation rights and was on suicide watch until this afternoon when she was released. This disappointed many media outlets as this is what they have been pushing for since she started unraveling two years ago.

Levin's recent driver's license photo
Dalai Lama of Douchebags, Harvey Levin of noted: "We could only call her a fat, has-been drug addict so many times. We moistened our underwear when she embarrassed herself at the MTV VMA's. We even laughed and pointed as we encroached on her personal space to the point that she almost dropped her child but she still had a little fight left in her. Hopefully, this will be the one that does it. We have ad space to sell." Ex-husband, Kevin Federline seemed concerned as well as he was spotted at a Maybach dealership with his two sons in shirts that read "$Cha" on one and "-Ching!$" on the other. "This is sad, yo." lamented the back up dancer turned professional "baby daddy" "I'ma get money if know..."go" right? For the kids though. Know what I'm sayin'?"

Other outlets such as Access Hollywood and ET are working overtime by having their anchors practice somber facial expressions for the camera and trying to squeez at least one drop of liquid out of their Botox impacted tear ducts. One gossip show even went so far as to dig up the guy who played that sad piano song at the end of old "The Incredible Hulk "episodes because as one soul raping network exec put it: "It's real cry in your dinner type shit."

Thankfully, sleeping at night has never been an issue for any of the media outlets involved.

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