Friday, January 04, 2008

Clemens says: B12 Injections NOT Steroids Made Him Bat Throwing Maniac

Read My Lips: "Get me mad enough and I swear to God I'll eat a baby!"

In his continuing quest to clear his good name, Roger Clemens is taking to the airwaves this Sunday in an exclusive interview with 60 Minutes. Mike Wallace a tough as nails interviewer who once had the temerity to ask Michael Jordan what his favorite color was, pulls no punches in this unflinching Q&A session. The Yankee fireballer states that the Mitchell Report was erroneous in reporting that he took steroids such as Winstrol and HGH during his stellar carreer.

Clemens, a seven time MLB all-star and multiple Cy Young winner says that Brian McNamee may have given him B12 shots and lidocane but never any performance enhancing drugs. When asked to explain his tree trunk-like neck and extreme moodswings the Texas hurler gets right to the point. "Let me be clear -- the answer is no, I did not use steroids, human growth hormone, and I've never done so," he proclaimed passionately. "In fact when I threw that jagged piece of wood at Mike Piazza in 2000, I was reacting to rumors that he was a vampire. In case you didn't know, if he bites someone else they'll become one too. I had no Holy Water at the time and teammates to think of so I figured I'd stake that sonuva bitch before he infected anyone. I mean Christ man, don't you guys watch movies?" Clemens then inexplicably chokes Wallace for a full two minutes before being restrained by his lawyer.

Upon hearing the pitcher's claims Richard D. Emery, McNamee's lawyer said "Brian has a Masters Degree in sports medicine he knows the difference between Vitamin B12, lidocane and performance enhancing drugs. He also knows that he had use a diamond tipped drill assisted syringe to penetrate the layers of cadaver juice enhanced muscle on that man's ass just to get one cc of liquid in him." The two plan to sue Clemens if he says on "60 Minutes" that McNamee was lying when he said he injected him with performance-enhancing drugs. "He's got a chance to protect himself," Emery said to the New York Times. "We're not going to sue him if he doesn't do it. But if he does it, we're going to sue him...from as far away as possible though, because that juice monkey can hurl a marshmallow through a brick wall"

Judge for yourself this weekend.

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