Friday, January 04, 2008

IoWOW!: History Making Win For Obama, God Gives Huck A Hand

Barack Obama made history last night in winning the Iowa Caucus and emerging as the frontrunner for the Democratic Party nomination by outdistancing John Edwards and eclipsing Hillary Clinton. What makes this feet truly historic is the Illinois senator won in a state that boasts a 92% white voting populace. The landmark outcome has left many political observers speculative as to who the other 8% consisted of as it is well known that Iowans have only seen black people in history books and on television. One such voter stated: "I think people have this misconception of Iowans as being unhip. We knew who Obama was and we've seen black people before. I stare Mrs. Butterworth in the face every morning and she ain't white...right?"

Also faring well, Mike "Holy" Huckabee whose "Jesus Is My Homeboy"-style campaign led to him edging out Mitt Romney to the tune of 35% voter support to Romney's 25%. Analysts say the Huckster was able to wrangle the state's "evangelical" vote. It should be noted that he was also able to obtain the elusive Chuck Norris vote. The Huck & Chuck ticket looks like one that's going to be tough to beat with one pundit noting: "Oprah's got big Hollywood names and a mint at her disposal but Norris has a beard that would make the Brawny Paper Towel Guy giggle like a school girl. I can't see her getting up from a roundhouse by this guy either. Can you?"

Hollywood undead, Fred Thompson only garnered 13% of the vote but is not giving up the ship just yet even as Chris Dodd and Joe Biden bow out gracefully. "These votes mean exactly what?" questioned Thompson. "13 percent my ass, is my wife still hot?" said the lovable curmudgeon. 9/11 milker Rudy Giuliani, skipped Iowa and is said to be focusing on New Hampshire next week and Florida down the road. Giuliani '08 campaign manager Satan had this to say: "Iowa was my bad. I wasn't really focused. I was so busy with Cage and the chipmunks. Alot of my peeps called in favors over the holidays so I couldn't give it the right attention. We'll see what's up in NH next week though, bitches! We'll be ready! Come on, pound it homie!"

Politics...entertainment...the man has his hand in EVERYTHING!

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