Monday, February 11, 2008

Drug Users Are...Winners!

"Just say yes, mum! Just say YES!"

Former First Lady Nancy Reagan can chug a big glass of "shut the hell up", as her "Just Say No" anti-drug message of the 80's was rendered useless courtesy of Amy Winehouse. The perenially addled song bird stumbled off with 5 Grammy Awards and the adulation of millions, giving the slogan the relevancy of Wendy's old "Where's The Beef?" campaign. It also proved that drug dealers aren't really that bad and in fact actually provide a creative boost to the entertainment industry as the corpses of Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix, can attest to.

Winehouse who was seen smoking crack just a month ago, shocked all the naysayers as she won all the major categories except Album Of The Year which was won by Herbie Hancock whose album was heard by the voters and his immediate family. "We were shocked when her name was called all those times," said Amy's mother Janice. "I'm so proud of her for not puking and scratching herself bloody on camera." The win truly shows what you can achieve by overcoming absolutely nothing and people will accept your drug problem as long as it's combined with an ability to earn money. When speaking on his company's aborted attempt to drop her because of her "problem", Nick Gatfield, president of Island Records stated "It’s a reflection of her status [in the US] that when you flick through the TV coverage [of the Grammys] it’s her image they use." then adding "You think I was gonna take the L and dead that cash cow? You're out of your mind. Out of your f--kin' mind!"

When did this shit come out?

It wasn't all crackpipes and cotton candy for the UK warbler as her victory was met with some criticism. Former LSD, heroin and crack addict Natalie Cole stated that Winehouse's victory sent a "cake and eat it too" message to young performers even though she herself accepted a Grammy in 1975 while riding the white horse. This moment of pot meet kettle was rendered even more surreal by the fact that her young son almost drowned in her family pool while Cole and her late husband the Rev. Marvin Yancy indulged in a drug-fueled binge.

No. No. No.

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