Wednesday, February 13, 2008

We Interrupt This Fake News To Bring You...

Hi ladies and gentlemen. My name is Mike Huckabee I purchased this time on Help Me Jebus! to remind you all that I'm running for the Republican Party's nomination for the Presidency of The United States. You might be saying right now: "Who's this guy?" "Why should I listen to him?" "Doesn't he regularly finish second to John McCain?" Well you should listen to me and yes I do constantly finish second but I have alot to offer. For example:
  • I'm not as old as John McCain. I mean are you serious? His liver spots have liver spots. Who's gonna pay for the installation of ramps for the Rascal scooter and rails for his motorized lifting chair? You, the tax payer that's who! State of the Union Address has to be put on hold because "ol' prunes for breakfast" dropped a diaper bomb? Yuck.
  • Minority relations? I may not be Barack Obama but I know all about black people. Sanford and Son, What's Happening!!, The Jeffersons, Good Times you think I'm watching them on BET and TVOne in reruns? I saw them first run in the 70's when you people didn't have your UPN's and WB's. I'm old school homey!
  • I'm not a lesbian with a beard of a husband that chases the chubby. Dude, come on she was gross!
  • I know God. Not Allah or Vishnu or Golobutron or whatever the hell the Scientologists call him but G-O-D! The big guy. Do I recognize the existence of those other "religions" or their deities? No. Am I worried I offended potential voters? Not really. I don't have a weird "religion" like Romney. Where's "Mitty" now? Done. Why? God don't like weirdos.

and finally but most importantly

  • I know Chuck Norris and we have a plan. If I receive this party's nomination we will slap the dog mess out of anyone who opposes us. Iran? Pla-dow! Osama Bin Laden? "Uh hello. Yeah, this is Mike Huckabee you commited an act of terrorism in my country seven years ago? Yeah, ring a bell?...KA-KOW!" Five across the eye!

What you are reading right now was actually written days ago. Chuck and myself have already taken to the streets of the inner cities of America and we are slapping the bejesus out of drug dealers, pimps, muggers, Mormons and other unsavory characters. If you're doing wrong, as there is a Lord in the sky and oxygen in our lungs, Mr. Norris and myslef will slap the steaming dog mess out of you. I promise you, I will wear my hand out on the face of injustice.

Me showing exactly how I will "slap the dog mess" out of people.

Don't you want a country that doesn't live in fear of terroism? Don't you want a president with a friend who's a black belt and has a beard that makes a man piss his pants? A friend with hands like granite that will dole out slap justice like Rick James on a bender? That's not John McCain, that's me. I'm Mike Huckabee and I will slap the dog mess out of you.

Vote Huckabee.

Thank you, Help Me Jebus.

This message has been approved by Chuck Norris.

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