ESPN Rewards Man For Sloth, Children In 3rd World Countries Still Eat Flies

"The potato's real and I'm chucking it in the garbage! Take that Feed The Children!"

Stan Friedman outlasted the competition last week when he spent 29 hours seated, watching sports and eating. Last week ESPN Zone in New York city had its 1st Annual Ultimate Couch Potato contest and Friedman who works upstairs from the restuarant bested four other Big Apple residents including one female participant, Lindsey Wagenblast. Second place finisher Nate Lopez of Queens lost when his bladder chock full of salty, greasy snacks and diet soda could take no more as he ran out before the alotted bathroom break. For his "athleticism", Friedman will go home with: a 42" HDTV, a recliner, a years worth of ESPN the Magazine, $200 in Zone game cards and a false sense of accomplishment. "I've always wanted to be the best at something and I figured this would be the easiest to be the best at." said the future gout candidate.


The competition was broadcast on ESPN and was seen in many countries where eating regularly and watching TV are a dream that many die never realizing. News spread all the way to the Sudan where Mbutu Mtume had this to say through a translator: "So, in your country you eat and relax as competition? And people are rewarded for it? Wonderful! Would you like to share in this bowl of boiled leaves and larvae? It's the village delicacy."