This Can't Happen In America...





...in Ohio maybe, but NOT in America!!

Worldnet Daily Says: "God Doesn't Want Change"

God Says: "I Never Said That!"

A vote for Obama is a vote for eternal damnation says Janet Porter of conservative e-rag WorldNetDaily. According to a post that promises everything short of a plague of locusts and exploding genetalia, Porter says the good book has forseen the end of civilization with an Obama win.

Here is an excerpt:

To all those who name the name of Christ who plan to willfully disobey Him by voting for Obama, take warning. Not only is our nation in grave danger, according to the Word of God, so are you.

First, the facts on life: On July 17, 2007, Barack Obama spoke to Planned Parenthood and said:
On this fundamental issue of [abortion rights], I will not yield and Planned Parenthood will not yield. ... The first thing I'll do as president is sign the Freedom of Choice Act. That's the first thing that I'd do. ...

And what is the "Freedom of Choice Act"? It would completely federalize the abortion issue and strike down all state laws from parental notification to the Woman's Right to Know Laws to bans on partial-birth abortion, declaring them null and void with the stroke of an Obama pen.

In one week, America will make a choice. And to those who call themselves "Christian" who are planning on voting for Barack Obama, put down the Obama talking points and read God's voter guide before you go to the polls:

I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live (Deuteronomy 30:19).

But you think this issue doesn't matter? God felt so strongly about it that he carved it in stone:

You shall not murder (Exodus 20:13).
Think you can love God and still vote against life? In John 14:15, Jesus said:
If you love Me, keep My commandments.
Yes, and "Thou shall not murder" made the top 10.

(L) An artists inetrpretation of New York City shortly after an Obama win. (R) the "really scary stuff"

Porter goes on to rant about God making food taste bad and by his divinity forcing every radio station to play "the hip-hop" as she calls it, on an infinite basis. "How could God have let a bla...non-Christian get so far in a race for the most important seat in America?" lamented the card carrying McCainiac. "I think it was a test and now he's waiting to drop the big one on us. Famine, pestilence, interracial gay couples...people having to live within their means. It's coming...coming I tell you. And people wanna vote for this?..buncha stupid bastards."

When finally reached for comment, the almighty was livid. "When? When did I say this stuff and to who? And why? That country isn't even on the biggest continent in the world!" said the creator of pretty much everything. "Look, I got alot of things going on and I don't have time to be linked to every threat that humanity places against each other. What about Vishnu? He never said anything about damning anyone right? Buddha, Shiva and Gleep Glorp or whoever the f-ck Scientologists pray to love everyone right? ...tired of this shit!"

The Almighty: "Tired of this shit!"

We Got Him, Ashley!

The "B" was for Bigfoot, beeyotch!

The plight of Ashley Todd, the McCain volunteer who cried “black guy” held the nation in a politically and racially charged chokehold for nearly 48 hours. Originally, the 20 year-old college student told Pittsburgh PD that she was accosted by a 6’4, 200 pound, African-American, card carrying Democrat who took umbrage at her support for John McCain and carved a symbolic “B” into her cheek to mark her as a “converted” Obama supporter. The story soon fell apart however, as Todd was unable to keep her stories straight and the search for a dyslexic left-wing nut was coming up short.


After several failed lie detector tests and consolatory calls from McCain and Palin as well as a statement from the Obama camp, she told the police that she had made up her black assailant and couldn’t remember much of the night. She was arrested and formerly charged with filing a false report.


Shortly after we received a startling phone call from the “real slasher” who wanted to come into our offices and speek exclusively to Help Me Jebus!

All he wants is his "props", he stated before he stormed out of the interview.

HMJ: Is there any reason why Todd was singled out?

BF: Other than the fact she was a slow runner? Look at that chick’s face.

HMJ: Did you want recognition and why thievery?

BF: First of all I didn’t steal anything. And secondly…I guess I was upset that people have forgotten about me. Sadaam’s dead. Nobody’s seen Bin Laden in 7 years but I’m still here, man. Shit, Google us and you’ll see both those guys are getting way more press than me. Why? I’m not dead. People swear they see me and take pictures all the time but I get nothing. I’m tired of it. Everybody’s getting a slice of the fame pie except “Ol’ Sassy”!

HMJ: Why the violent, backwards carving of the “B”

BF: Look man, I’m a Bigfoot! I crap in the woods and run from people with cameras, I never had time for schooling…I did the best I could. [he momentarily sobs but then quickly regains his composure] Let me ask you a question: “Who’s dumber the guy who can’t write letters so good or the dullard who mistakes me for a hairless, 6’4” black dude?” I’m at least 7 feet.

HMJ: Do you plan on turning yourself in?

BF: Nah man, screw that. I think I let the world know that I’m still here and people should be scared of me. I’ve been running for fifty years and they haven’t caught me yet! I’m not about to turn myself in! What up with that, Bin Laden?

HMJ: What upset you most about the coverage?

BF: The only thing that pisses me off is they tried to turn this into a political thing. I support neither party. They’ve never done anything for me or my kind and I don’t appreciate being a tool…I mean for either party because I’m so NOT a tool. And I hear Willie Horton had some shit to say too. Dude don't even try it, no one's heard from you in 20 years. That was my show!

"I Got Your Back, Dawg!", Romney Endorses McCain










"Now we gotta get rid of the cankle-y chick and the black guy!"


Citing that he is doing it "in the interests of healing", Mitt Romney has pledged to endorse Senator John McCain for the GOP presidential nomination. "I am honored today to give my full support to Sen. McCain's candidacy for the presidency of the United States," said Romney adding, "This is a man capable of leading our country in this dangerous hour. Not just against terrorists or uppity colored people who think they can run a country but also Mike Huckabee. Threatening to slap me? He's out of his f--king mind!"


According to sources in both the Romney and McCain camps, it was a Romney campaign advisor that suggested a union with McCain. It was done in hopes that the former Massachusetts governor would sway his delegates to rally behind McCain's candidacy. A Republican analyst in the know stated "Look, we know he's not the best we have but that sack of Geritol is all that stands in the way of womens pantsuits in the oval office or Flo-Rida singing at the inauguration. I mean...Jesus."


Romney had collected 286 delegates before he suspended his campaign two weeks ago. Those delegates would give McCain 1,113 total delegates, 78 short of securing the nomination. Republicans are now worried that the longer Mike Huckabee lingers, the tougher it will be for McCain to rally support. There are "still a lot of Republicans around this country who have yet to vote, many of them who feel like their voices still ... [need] to be heard." Huckabee said. "I owe it the people who got me here. And besides me and Chuck ain't goin' nowhere! I ain't hard to find McCain! You and pompadour come see me...bitches!" Huckabee then motioned as if he were going to slap the reporter. Promptly ending the interview.

Hillary Reeling In The Wake Of Obama Luther King, Republicans High Fiving

"What the...When the HELL did he start talking like that?"

After a stunning defeat at the hands of Barack Obama, the Clinton Campaign team is scrambling for a new strategy. Fear that their "President By Injection" initiative is backfiring has caused them to focus on other ways to attack the front runner. On Friday at the 100 Club party fund raiser in Milford, NH, Clintons comment of: "Some people think you make change by "hoping" for it." was met with boos and chants of "O-Ba-Ma!" This has caused many insiders to speculate that the former first lady is cankle-deep in trouble.

What's surprising is how they have yet to attack the change in Obama's cadence. He started the campaign with the basic speech pattern that didn't seperate him from the pack. However, by Iowa he seemed to be sampling late civil rights leader Martin Luther King. His "They saaaaaid, it coudn't happen.." speech was eerily reminiscent of the oratory style of the great leader. Sources say that the surviving King family members will seek royalties from Obama if he persists in mimicking the mannerisms of their deceased patriarch in an attempt to woo voters with a sense of '60's, civil-rights nostalgia.

As of this writing, Camp Clinton has hired super producer Kanye West to help Hillary sample great speakers of the past. In a statement realesed by West he says: "Barack Obama does not care about dead people. Neither do I. In fact, I've got a platinum toilet bowl in my house for plundering the talents of the deceased and others so why not do it to political figures too?" A camp advisor on the grounds of anonimity stated: "We told him we kinda want a mash-up of JFK and Malcolm X. A little something for everybody, ya know?"

Republicans have taken a wait and see attitude in all of this. "Right now, we're like the guy in the schoolyard who watches from the sidelines as the two bullies fight." said a political observer in the know. "Hopefully, they'll destroy each other and then we'll steamroll in and crush anyone left standing. By god, they'll be praying global warming does us in before we get another four years in the White House!" Longtime GOP supporter, Emperor Palpatine simply cackled: "Good." as he rubbed his hands together.

Palpatine: Still pulling strings from behind the scenes.