"I Got Your Back, Dawg!", Romney Endorses McCain










"Now we gotta get rid of the cankle-y chick and the black guy!"


Citing that he is doing it "in the interests of healing", Mitt Romney has pledged to endorse Senator John McCain for the GOP presidential nomination. "I am honored today to give my full support to Sen. McCain's candidacy for the presidency of the United States," said Romney adding, "This is a man capable of leading our country in this dangerous hour. Not just against terrorists or uppity colored people who think they can run a country but also Mike Huckabee. Threatening to slap me? He's out of his f--king mind!"


According to sources in both the Romney and McCain camps, it was a Romney campaign advisor that suggested a union with McCain. It was done in hopes that the former Massachusetts governor would sway his delegates to rally behind McCain's candidacy. A Republican analyst in the know stated "Look, we know he's not the best we have but that sack of Geritol is all that stands in the way of womens pantsuits in the oval office or Flo-Rida singing at the inauguration. I mean...Jesus."


Romney had collected 286 delegates before he suspended his campaign two weeks ago. Those delegates would give McCain 1,113 total delegates, 78 short of securing the nomination. Republicans are now worried that the longer Mike Huckabee lingers, the tougher it will be for McCain to rally support. There are "still a lot of Republicans around this country who have yet to vote, many of them who feel like their voices still ... [need] to be heard." Huckabee said. "I owe it the people who got me here. And besides me and Chuck ain't goin' nowhere! I ain't hard to find McCain! You and pompadour come see me...bitches!" Huckabee then motioned as if he were going to slap the reporter. Promptly ending the interview.

Can't Take No Mormon: Romney Done!

Citing his reasons as being best for "our party and our country", Mitt "Big Love" Romney pulled the plug on a losing campaign. A wise decision considering the cost of running it was nearing the price tag of the latest Spider-Man sequel. The walls slowly closed in on him after a stunning loss to a Chuck Norris assisted Mike Huckabee at the Iowa Caucus. From then on his mormoness was repeatedly ridiculed by the Holy Huckster and it led to several very nasty and personal exchanges on the campaign trail. Finally, Senator John McCain sealed his pompadoured fate when he came from behind steadily to overtake both God groupies and scoop Super Tuesday.

The former Massachusetts governor said dropping out was necessary because he feared any prolonged campaigning would "make it easier" for Senator Clinton or Obama to win. "In this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror. This is not an easy decision. I hate to lose," he said. He also noted how he was waiting for more "jive talk" from the Illinois senator and how he had heard rumors on how the former first lady actually stands at a urinal and has a deeper voice than most women he has met.

"We'll kill ya Mitt! Both of us...we'll f--kin' kill ya!"

The crowd booed when McCain was mentioned leading the fallen candidate to say "I disagree with Senator McCain on a number of issues but, I agree with him on doing whatever it takes to be successful in Iraq, on finding and executing Osama bin Laden, and I agree with him on eliminating Al Qaeda and terror worldwide!" Finally stating "F-ck Mike Huckabee if he doesn't want to step down and f-ck his buddy with the Just For Men beard too, I'm not scared of him." Mistakenly thinking he saw Norris, Romney flinched like a battered housewife and then stepped down from the podium.

Mitt Hits The Fan: Romney Wins In Daddy's Backyard

"Thanks for your support honey...and honey...and you too honey!"

Latter Day Saints be praised, Mitt Romney notched a victory over John McCain in his home state of Michigan last night to be come the front runner du jour for the Republican Party. According to media outlets, Romney beat John McCain by a nine percent margin garnering 39 percent of the vote to McCain's 30. Rudy "I Was There On 9/11" Giuliani also registered a whopping 3 percent of the vote!

"Tonight marks the beginning of a comeback for America," Romney said "You got out and told America what they needed to hear....and that is...um...yeah...you know my dad the GOVERNOR used to work here, right? Kill brown people! No gays...and oil money for everyone! Well not all of you but, you guys know who I'm talking to...uh... Whooo!" He was then quickly ushered off stage.

Artist rendition of how it may have looked at the Michigan voting booths.

Analysts say the Romeny Wives played a big part in the outcome. "All he did was tell his wives to get to the polls." said one shaken volunteer. "It looked like the final battle in 300! I can't find my sister! Has anyone seen my sister?" South Carolina's polygamy laws may play a big part in Saturday's primary.