"Do You Smell What Barack Is Cookin'?" No, Seriously He Said That...

Come November this WILL be settled in a cage!

When you want to get your point across to voters everywhere and appeal to their sensibilities, you know where presidential candidates go? The O’Reilly Factor? Uh...maybe if you wanted to speak to a couple million people who almost definitely will vote. Larry King Live? If you're plugging a book and can stand the smell of formaldehyde, sure. When the Republican nominee and the final two Democrats slugging it out for a spot want to reach the people who are the decision makers in this country, they take it to WWE Monday Night Raw!

WWE Diva Chesty McTits: Healthcare and gun control are on her mind.

On this week's telecast from Greenville, South Carolina Douche-publican nominee John McCain and Democratic side by side runners Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama took their case to the fans of professional wrestling via taped promos to implore them to make the right decision come November. It started with the former first lady talking about health care and how no one has ever been able to break out of her patented emasculating, "cankle-lock submission" as her husband could attest to. Next was the charismatic Obama who asked the audience if they could "Smell what Barack was cookin'?" When asked exactly what he was "cookin'" the canididate said"...uh...change?" and quickly changed the subject to his favorite ethnic stereotype wrestlers Dead Beat Daddy and Angry Suspicious Korean Grocery Store Owner. The loudest applause of the evening however went to McCain who simply said "Hey...white guy...crotch ripping she-devil...black guy? Come on America! I mean, are you f-cking serious?" He then rolled out his valet Chesty McTits who said she would be voting for McCain because he was "nice and stuff" and that she would be at the polls in her thong to drum up support.

"Jo" Fuffner says: "Election 'o8? Hell yeah, mother f-cker!"


Longtime WWE fan Jonas Fuffner who was in attendance said "I think it was a great idea for all of them to come on here and tell us fans what for. I don't really much care for the forward speaking woman 'cause she obviously don't know her place but it took alot of courage for the black guy to get up there and speak. They've had alot of trouble over the years. Shoot, my grandparents even had a few...black guys that is. Not so much trouble 'cause we ain't never left South Carolina." When the tape was viewed by a political pundit in the know, he responded "A black man and a woman on a show that's inherrantly racist and sexist being broadcast from the south? Wow...um...this is real huh? ...wow."

Aw Huck It!: Mike's Done








"Weekend Update, I am so there!"


"It's been a heckuva run!" this was how Mike Huckabee summed up his futile and often amusing run for the Republican partys' presidential nomination. Huckabee said he believed that his supporters should back McCain in November. Adding that he has no "Plan B" for his political career. "Clearly, things didn't go our way tonight, and we had hoped they would," he told reporters on his plane back to Little Rock. "But when the inevitable is staring you in the face, you accept it. I leave this man my delegates but most importantly, I leave him Chuck Norris. He will continue to slap the bejesus out of anyone that opposes this party or its ideals and goals. I do so with my blessing."


So long Huck. You were one of the most lovable candidates of recent memory. You amused us like the old guy with alzheimers who crapped his pants and honestly didn't know why people were moving away from him. Hysterical.

"I Got Your Back, Dawg!", Romney Endorses McCain










"Now we gotta get rid of the cankle-y chick and the black guy!"


Citing that he is doing it "in the interests of healing", Mitt Romney has pledged to endorse Senator John McCain for the GOP presidential nomination. "I am honored today to give my full support to Sen. McCain's candidacy for the presidency of the United States," said Romney adding, "This is a man capable of leading our country in this dangerous hour. Not just against terrorists or uppity colored people who think they can run a country but also Mike Huckabee. Threatening to slap me? He's out of his f--king mind!"


According to sources in both the Romney and McCain camps, it was a Romney campaign advisor that suggested a union with McCain. It was done in hopes that the former Massachusetts governor would sway his delegates to rally behind McCain's candidacy. A Republican analyst in the know stated "Look, we know he's not the best we have but that sack of Geritol is all that stands in the way of womens pantsuits in the oval office or Flo-Rida singing at the inauguration. I mean...Jesus."


Romney had collected 286 delegates before he suspended his campaign two weeks ago. Those delegates would give McCain 1,113 total delegates, 78 short of securing the nomination. Republicans are now worried that the longer Mike Huckabee lingers, the tougher it will be for McCain to rally support. There are "still a lot of Republicans around this country who have yet to vote, many of them who feel like their voices still ... [need] to be heard." Huckabee said. "I owe it the people who got me here. And besides me and Chuck ain't goin' nowhere! I ain't hard to find McCain! You and pompadour come see me...bitches!" Huckabee then motioned as if he were going to slap the reporter. Promptly ending the interview.

Can't Take No Mormon: Romney Done!

Citing his reasons as being best for "our party and our country", Mitt "Big Love" Romney pulled the plug on a losing campaign. A wise decision considering the cost of running it was nearing the price tag of the latest Spider-Man sequel. The walls slowly closed in on him after a stunning loss to a Chuck Norris assisted Mike Huckabee at the Iowa Caucus. From then on his mormoness was repeatedly ridiculed by the Holy Huckster and it led to several very nasty and personal exchanges on the campaign trail. Finally, Senator John McCain sealed his pompadoured fate when he came from behind steadily to overtake both God groupies and scoop Super Tuesday.

The former Massachusetts governor said dropping out was necessary because he feared any prolonged campaigning would "make it easier" for Senator Clinton or Obama to win. "In this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror. This is not an easy decision. I hate to lose," he said. He also noted how he was waiting for more "jive talk" from the Illinois senator and how he had heard rumors on how the former first lady actually stands at a urinal and has a deeper voice than most women he has met.

"We'll kill ya Mitt! Both of us...we'll f--kin' kill ya!"

The crowd booed when McCain was mentioned leading the fallen candidate to say "I disagree with Senator McCain on a number of issues but, I agree with him on doing whatever it takes to be successful in Iraq, on finding and executing Osama bin Laden, and I agree with him on eliminating Al Qaeda and terror worldwide!" Finally stating "F-ck Mike Huckabee if he doesn't want to step down and f-ck his buddy with the Just For Men beard too, I'm not scared of him." Mistakenly thinking he saw Norris, Romney flinched like a battered housewife and then stepped down from the podium.

Mitt Hits The Fan: Romney Wins In Daddy's Backyard

"Thanks for your support honey...and honey...and you too honey!"

Latter Day Saints be praised, Mitt Romney notched a victory over John McCain in his home state of Michigan last night to be come the front runner du jour for the Republican Party. According to media outlets, Romney beat John McCain by a nine percent margin garnering 39 percent of the vote to McCain's 30. Rudy "I Was There On 9/11" Giuliani also registered a whopping 3 percent of the vote!

"Tonight marks the beginning of a comeback for America," Romney said "You got out and told America what they needed to hear....and that is...um...yeah...you know my dad the GOVERNOR used to work here, right? Kill brown people! No gays...and oil money for everyone! Well not all of you but, you guys know who I'm talking to...uh... Whooo!" He was then quickly ushered off stage.

Artist rendition of how it may have looked at the Michigan voting booths.

Analysts say the Romeny Wives played a big part in the outcome. "All he did was tell his wives to get to the polls." said one shaken volunteer. "It looked like the final battle in 300! I can't find my sister! Has anyone seen my sister?" South Carolina's polygamy laws may play a big part in Saturday's primary.