Jebus Listened!

"Do You Smell What Barack Is Cookin'?" No, Seriously He Said That...

Come November this WILL be settled in a cage!

When you want to get your point across to voters everywhere and appeal to their sensibilities, you know where presidential candidates go? The O’Reilly Factor? Uh...maybe if you wanted to speak to a couple million people who almost definitely will vote. Larry King Live? If you're plugging a book and can stand the smell of formaldehyde, sure. When the Republican nominee and the final two Democrats slugging it out for a spot want to reach the people who are the decision makers in this country, they take it to WWE Monday Night Raw!

WWE Diva Chesty McTits: Healthcare and gun control are on her mind.

On this week's telecast from Greenville, South Carolina Douche-publican nominee John McCain and Democratic side by side runners Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama took their case to the fans of professional wrestling via taped promos to implore them to make the right decision come November. It started with the former first lady talking about health care and how no one has ever been able to break out of her patented emasculating, "cankle-lock submission" as her husband could attest to. Next was the charismatic Obama who asked the audience if they could "Smell what Barack was cookin'?" When asked exactly what he was "cookin'" the canididate said"...uh...change?" and quickly changed the subject to his favorite ethnic stereotype wrestlers Dead Beat Daddy and Angry Suspicious Korean Grocery Store Owner. The loudest applause of the evening however went to McCain who simply said "Hey...white guy...crotch ripping she-devil...black guy? Come on America! I mean, are you f-cking serious?" He then rolled out his valet Chesty McTits who said she would be voting for McCain because he was "nice and stuff" and that she would be at the polls in her thong to drum up support.

"Jo" Fuffner says: "Election 'o8? Hell yeah, mother f-cker!"


Longtime WWE fan Jonas Fuffner who was in attendance said "I think it was a great idea for all of them to come on here and tell us fans what for. I don't really much care for the forward speaking woman 'cause she obviously don't know her place but it took alot of courage for the black guy to get up there and speak. They've had alot of trouble over the years. Shoot, my grandparents even had a few...black guys that is. Not so much trouble 'cause we ain't never left South Carolina." When the tape was viewed by a political pundit in the know, he responded "A black man and a woman on a show that's inherrantly racist and sexist being broadcast from the south? Wow...um...this is real huh? ...wow."

HMJ Exclusive!: The REAL Obama Pic He Doesn't Want You To See!

"Who you votin' for?"

Just when you thought Turban-Gate would be the biggest thing to to hit the Obama campaign, HMJ has obtained a picture that may be the knock-out blow to his presidential run. In an e-mail received from a Jebus confidant known only by the address HCForPrez_08@hotmail.com, a stunning picture of the White House hopeful engaging in questionable behavior was attached.

The "other" picture now seems tame compared to the Jebus Exclusive photo.

"I thought him running around in his terrorist threads was pretty damn foul," said staffer Artie Abramson "but this...I mean the guy's clearly choking white girls. Is that what he does when he's not hangin' with Oprah?" Many political pundits in the know believe the photo is symbolic of the former Illinois governors' true intentions towards Hillary Clinton. "I'm not surprised," said Clinton "I warned everyone about how he looked at me during the debates. I want to remind all southerners especially, Watch how he leers at me during debates! Mandingo wasn't just a movie but a cautionary tale!" When given news of the latest photo, Senator John McCain said "Dude, wow! You guys know I'm running for president too, right?"

We're so scared for her.

All calls to Obama campaign headquarters by us were met with laughter and a dial tone but we will not stop.

What are you afraid of Obama, they won't elect a white girl choker to the office of President of The United States?

Your opponent happens to be white and you may want to...you know...choke her?


We here at Help Me Jebus are waiting, you white girl choking monster.



No seriously dude, we're waiting.

Oh No He Di 'int? Clinton Calls Obama: Jesse Jackson "The Remix"

"Wait...yeah, knife's in my back now!"

Like a good ol' fashioned game of "The Dozens", the race to win the Democratic party's nomination gets nastier by the second. After his wife's defeat at the hands of Oprah's Chosen One, the former president came out with both guns blazing reminiscent of Chow Yun Fat. "Jesse Jackson won South Carolina in '84 and '88. Jackson ran a good campaign. And Obama ran a good campaign here." said Clinton. "Aw come on, you guys never vote and now all of a sudden you care? If she don't win I'm in trouble."

Hillary Clinton spent much of yesterday's interview on Face The Nation performing damage control duties. "Well, I think it's human nature. I think that the spouses of all three of us have, you know, been passionate and vigorous defenders of each of us and, you know, maybe got a little carried away," said the former first lady. "All I'm saying though, is do you see how he looks at me? I just want all the southerners to watch him and how he looks at me. "They" frighten me." She then chalked up her husbands comments to "sleep deprivation" and reminded the viewers that she still thinks "those people" are OK but should wait a little before they go running for a real job in office.

Oh crap, someone get him a frickin' intern!

When asked about the Clintons' comments, Obama handled himself with dignity by saying "Jesse Jackson ran historic races in 1984 and 1988, and there's no doubt that that set a precedent for African-Americans running for the highest office in the land. But, you know that was twenty years ago...what she need to do is get them cankles moving to the next primary and lets see what happens then!" Oh snap!" and then motioned for a high five as wife Michelle Obama uttered a sassy "I heard that!"

Oooh, burn.

Kerry Disses Edwards: "Barack's The Man Now, Dawg!"

"I got your back, dawg!"

In a move that surely sent John Edwards for a loop, John Kerry showed up in Charleston South Carolina with his Obama bandwagon ticket clenched tightly in his fist. The '04 bridesmaid said: "I believe more than anyone else, Barack Obama can help our country turn the page and get America moving by uniting and ending the division we have faced...you guys know I was in Vietnam, right?” He then went on to say that Obama's perceived lack of experience is irrelevant due to the fact that he hasn't picked a running mate and "for the next couple of months this man will not be able to break wind without having to ask me to move my face...anybody remember Vietnam? This guy...I was all up in there!"

A somber Edwards when asked about Kerry's seeming betrayal shrugged and said: "Ah you know, you do things sometimes for people. And they take it from you anyway they can. Savagely and unmercifully they take, take, take! Then when they're finished with you, they toss you aside and never call you. And you're hurt and you don't exactly know why. Your manhood has been taken and you shake and cry alot. Then they tell all their friends what they did to you and those guys call you because they want to do the same to you." When reminded that the question was about Kerry supporting Obama instead of him, Edwards questioned: "John Kerry did what now?"

Hillary Reeling In The Wake Of Obama Luther King, Republicans High Fiving

"What the...When the HELL did he start talking like that?"

After a stunning defeat at the hands of Barack Obama, the Clinton Campaign team is scrambling for a new strategy. Fear that their "President By Injection" initiative is backfiring has caused them to focus on other ways to attack the front runner. On Friday at the 100 Club party fund raiser in Milford, NH, Clintons comment of: "Some people think you make change by "hoping" for it." was met with boos and chants of "O-Ba-Ma!" This has caused many insiders to speculate that the former first lady is cankle-deep in trouble.

What's surprising is how they have yet to attack the change in Obama's cadence. He started the campaign with the basic speech pattern that didn't seperate him from the pack. However, by Iowa he seemed to be sampling late civil rights leader Martin Luther King. His "They saaaaaid, it coudn't happen.." speech was eerily reminiscent of the oratory style of the great leader. Sources say that the surviving King family members will seek royalties from Obama if he persists in mimicking the mannerisms of their deceased patriarch in an attempt to woo voters with a sense of '60's, civil-rights nostalgia.

As of this writing, Camp Clinton has hired super producer Kanye West to help Hillary sample great speakers of the past. In a statement realesed by West he says: "Barack Obama does not care about dead people. Neither do I. In fact, I've got a platinum toilet bowl in my house for plundering the talents of the deceased and others so why not do it to political figures too?" A camp advisor on the grounds of anonimity stated: "We told him we kinda want a mash-up of JFK and Malcolm X. A little something for everybody, ya know?"

Republicans have taken a wait and see attitude in all of this. "Right now, we're like the guy in the schoolyard who watches from the sidelines as the two bullies fight." said a political observer in the know. "Hopefully, they'll destroy each other and then we'll steamroll in and crush anyone left standing. By god, they'll be praying global warming does us in before we get another four years in the White House!" Longtime GOP supporter, Emperor Palpatine simply cackled: "Good." as he rubbed his hands together.

Palpatine: Still pulling strings from behind the scenes.

IoWOW!: History Making Win For Obama, God Gives Huck A Hand

Barack Obama made history last night in winning the Iowa Caucus and emerging as the frontrunner for the Democratic Party nomination by outdistancing John Edwards and eclipsing Hillary Clinton. What makes this feet truly historic is the Illinois senator won in a state that boasts a 92% white voting populace. The landmark outcome has left many political observers speculative as to who the other 8% consisted of as it is well known that Iowans have only seen black people in history books and on television. One such voter stated: "I think people have this misconception of Iowans as being unhip. We knew who Obama was and we've seen black people before. I stare Mrs. Butterworth in the face every morning and she ain't white...right?"

Also faring well, Mike "Holy" Huckabee whose "Jesus Is My Homeboy"-style campaign led to him edging out Mitt Romney to the tune of 35% voter support to Romney's 25%. Analysts say the Huckster was able to wrangle the state's "evangelical" vote. It should be noted that he was also able to obtain the elusive Chuck Norris vote. The Huck & Chuck ticket looks like one that's going to be tough to beat with one pundit noting: "Oprah's got big Hollywood names and a mint at her disposal but Norris has a beard that would make the Brawny Paper Towel Guy giggle like a school girl. I can't see her getting up from a roundhouse by this guy either. Can you?"

Hollywood undead, Fred Thompson only garnered 13% of the vote but is not giving up the ship just yet even as Chris Dodd and Joe Biden bow out gracefully. "These votes mean exactly what?" questioned Thompson. "13 percent my ass, is my wife still hot?" said the lovable curmudgeon. 9/11 milker Rudy Giuliani, skipped Iowa and is said to be focusing on New Hampshire next week and Florida down the road. Giuliani '08 campaign manager Satan had this to say: "Iowa was my bad. I wasn't really focused. I was so busy with Cage and the chipmunks. Alot of my peeps called in favors over the holidays so I couldn't give it the right attention. We'll see what's up in NH next week though, bitches! We'll be ready! Come on, pound it homie!"

Politics...entertainment...the man has his hand in EVERYTHING!

The Oprah Effect: Like Whiskey With A Labotomy Chaser

As we creep closer to the Iowa Caucus, we've decided to take a look at just what Oprah's backing has done for the Obama ticket. In an interview with ABC News last month, Lord Winfrey proclaimed: “Well obviously, Obama’s great because I’m believing that the person that I’m speaking up for is gonna take it all the way,” Also adding. “And then if that doesn’t happen, I might readjust my thinking.” The question is: Does her stamp of approval "readjust" the voters thinking? HMJ set out to find some answers.

In a Jebus poll conducted by an independant firm, a select group of voters were asked: "What does the Oprah/Obama double fisted initiative mean to your vote?" A small gathering outside of William-Brice Center in South Carolina was eager to answer. One middle-aged, housewife and Winfrey minion said: "I'm sick and tired of people thinking I'm gonna vote for him just because The All Knowing said I should. I have a mind of my own! This Oprah's Bookclub pamphlet has all the objective information I'll need before I make that choice!" A young Obama supporter interjected: "This isn't the "olden times" when people listened to those that knew more than them. I wanna hear from people that make more than me. Rhodes Scholars don't have their own island...it's frickin' Oprah, man!" The rest of the the group simply said: "Nuuuuurrrgggghhhh!" pointed at a picture of Winfrey and then savagely tore open the skull of an unlucky passerby and proceeded to feast on the warm, gooey brain juice.

"Where does the line start?"

In conclusion, we here at HMJ have learned that while experience and a comprehensive understanding of issues such as foreign policy and healthcare may motivate some to go with a candidate, there's nothing like listening to rich, famous people who smile at you. I get down on my knees everyday and thank my blue-eyed, foreigner ass-kicking God that I live in a country where this line of thinking can shape our political infrastructure. American God bless us all!

http://www.barackobama.com/