No Country For Straight Men:
Man Accidentally Walks Into Sex And The City Screening

Last night seemed like any other night to Mark Henriquez of Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn. He went to the local Loewes Humongoplex Theater with his girlfriend to catch the eight o’clock showing of Iron Man but it wasn’t meant to be. Henriquez shares his harrowing account with HMJ.

“We were sitting there waiting for the movie to start but we were both hungry. I should have gotten the food on the way in but I wanted to get us good seats.” said Henriquez. The young man however decided to go for refreshments after the movie had started. After the initial shock of taking out a home equity loan for pop corn two hot dogs and a large diet soda, the disoriented New Yorker attempted to return to the theater to enjoy the food with his mate but that never happened.

Left to right: Kristin Davis, Sarah Jessica Parker and Cynthia Nixon (not pictured Kim Catrall's re-animated corpse.)

“I guess after wiping the tears from my eyes, I was a little confused. I walked into a theater and I sat down next to a girl who was dressed very similar to mine and just started eating and talking.” He added. “First thing I noticed was Jeff Bridges looked like shit but they kept calling him “Samantha”. I wasn’t aware of any character in Iron Man by that name and I figured they added him for the movie. Then I noticed Robert Downey Jr's arms were very toned for the part but he was wearing heels and I thought they really “uglied him up” to make him look tougher but I was wrong, it was Sarah Jessica Parker.” Once he realized where he was, the horror slowly sank in. “It smelled like weak alcohol and the Bath & Body Works at the Galleria. I was scared because I could sense the self pity and the need for an actual penis as opposed to a plastic one…from the women and the men in there. I tried to get up and run but I tripped and fell in the aisle. When I looked up, it was like the last scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. One of those women took her top down and I felt my face start to melt like soft serve ice cream. I can’t believe that was rated R. It’s a snuff film and I’m suing all parties involved. I don’t even know if my girlfriend made it home last night because I crawled out of there with my eyes closed and staggered home. Honey if you made it home, call me.” Calls to Loewes theaters and Mark's girlfriend went unreturned.

Stone Says China Earthquake Was “Karma”, Karma Furious

Basic In-stank 3: Hot Flashes

Last week on the red carpet at the Cannes Film Festival (where the most level headed and relevant sound bites are recorded), Sharon Stone said she was torn about whether or not to do something for the victims of the devastating earthquake in China. In the wake of thousands of deaths, the Mensa member and star of Basic Instinct and the cleverly titled Basic Instinct 2 said she didn’t like how the Chinese treated her good friend the Dalai Lama. She was then quoted as saying “Then all this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice, that the bad things happen to you?"

"OK, I'm confused. Keep my pants up and keep my mouth closed?"

Her comments set off a firestorm with China immediately condemning her for her words. Then she got it in the wallet as Christian Dior removed her as the face of their Chinese campaign and released a statement that when translated in English read: "We don't agree with her hasty, unreflecting remarks and we deeply regret them,". Also adding “Dior was one of the first international brands to enter China and has won the affection and respect of the consuming public. We absolutely do not support any remark that hurts the Chinese people's feelings. This chick took a co-starring role in Catwoman. I mean Catwoman, are you f-ckin’ kidding me? She's toast! We swear!”

Karma: "It's not my fault all the time!"

However it was the centuries old symbol of getting what’s good for you, Karma who had the harshest words for the 50 year old trampoline. “Why is my name mentioned when bad shit happens? I do good things too. I don’t need this has-been actor associating me with the deaths of upwards of 80,000 people!” It then went on to add “Maybe it was “Karma”? No your last five movies was that! You think Cold Creek Manor just appeared out of thin air? You wait bitch. Keep saying my name and you’ll be in a movie getting second billing to the fat kid from Goonies…and he’s not even fat anymore so no one will really care if you’re in the film! They’ll just want to see how much weight the fat kid lost…bitch.”

Blade IV: Don't Drop The Soap, Snipes Gets 3 Years For Tax Evasion

Uh, no...one more finger Wes.

Hours before he was to be sentenced last Thursday for failing to file income taxes, Wesley Snipes cut the federal government three checks for $5 million and delivered them in court, according to reports. It meant about as much to the courts as a new Janet Jackson album means to anyone with taste in music because the IRS took the money and sentenced the star of Passenger 57 , White Men Can't Jump and the Blade series to 3 years in jail.


Snipes' $15 million payment took prosecutors by surprise. They initially declined to accept the cash, then had changed their mind by day's end. "I find it ironic and insulting that these Hollywood types think they can buy their way out of jail time." said a still stunned agent. "And this guy's black to boot. "Hello", you're rich but you're still a black guy right? This isn't being recorded is it?"


Reading from a prepared apology, Snipes told the court that he made "costly mistakes" like his last 5 direct-to-video films. And that he was the victim of crooked advisers, a liability of wealth and celebrity that attracts "wolves, jackals and "chicks that would never f-ck me if was a regular schmoe like you guys." His lawyer then asked if he was going to "real" jail or "Paris Hilton" jail.

Older People Rejoice As "Whompin' Hippies" Makes A Comeback

If you had a job, you'd be watching it on TV and not experiencing it.

For centuries, the Olympic Games have been seen as a way for the world to come together by means of friendly athletic competition. Now they can also be credited for instilling feelings of nostalgia in our own country’s older generation. With the widespread protests of the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games, it seems throttling hippies has once again become chic.

(Left) A young Clavis Frome (right) An antique "attitude adjuster"

“It hasn’t been this good since the WTO protests a few years back!” exclaimed retired Seattle police officer, Clavis Frome, 72. “These kids are all “Free Tibet” and stuff and bothering those nice Orientals from China. Who can whip up fried rice better than these guys? I mean the Chinese give us something. What have we ever gotten to eat or use from Tibet? The Dalai Lama isn’t edible, is he?” He then added “Could I find Tibet on a map? No. I don’t even know why they’re fighting but I know youngsters are opening their mouths to people much more powerful than they are and they’re getting what’s coming to them! Makes me proud!” 84 year-old Florence Saperstein now residing in Florida noted “Watching this really reminds me of Haight Ashbury!”(A haven for the unclean in the late 60’s) She also stated “ I remember tossing hot water on them with my parents. They were always down on one knee with one hand up saying things like “Peace man!” and “Stop hitting me, I can’t see out of that eye man!” Well, stop making signs, take a bath and work for a living and I bet that vision problem would clear itself right up now, wouldn’t it?”

A "peaceful" demonstrator tries to "educate" a paraplegic.

The craze has also taken over nursing homes countrywide with some establishments reporting a spike in interest at evening news telecasts with any segments on the Games. Professor Mike Turilli of T.I.C.H. (The Institute for the Concussing of Hippies), explained recent surge was caused by an overall renewed sense of “not giving a shit about other people.” “The late 60’s and early 70’s were a golden era for beating on the unkempt and uppity, but then hard times hit in the late 70’s with the oil crisis. Combine that with all the early 80’s Sally Struthers commercials and that damn “We Are The World” video, and all of a sudden people tried to be “compassionate” or “caring” and refrained from putting in work on some transient skull.” The scholar then pointed to an increase in emergency room visits for head trauma in cities such as San Francisco and Seattle in 1995 as the start of the resurgence. “After getting comfortable and complacent over a few years, kids thought they could whine for the less fortunate like Cobain and not bathe while sipping lattes and working on their laptops. They were wrong. Their parents and people that age remembered the beatings that put them in line and started to do the same to their offspring. This older generation could turn off Nirvana and Pearl Jam but there’s only one way to shut hippies up and this is how we have arrived where we are at today!”

Chef “Beef” Turns Serious











"Bullets...disappear into me!"

Top that 50 Cent! Famed Cajun Chef Paul Prudhomme doesn’t just throw down in the kitchen, he also ain’t no punk when it comes to gettin’ capped. The superstar chef was shot on Tuesday and wasn’t even sure about it until he found a bullet on the floor much later on. “Honestly I thought, it was just the “big one” coming and I started holdin' my left arm and thinking about all the good shit I’d never get to eat again.”said Prudhomme. “I just kinda told my friends to bring stuff over and fire it down my throat before the ol’ esophagus seized up.” Many fear this is retribution from the Food Network after Prudhomme decided to host his Chef Paul Prudhomme's Always Cooking! on PBS rather than the home of such cholesterol pimps like Bobby Flay and Emeril Lagasse.

What's cookin? A drive-by, bitches!

According to a local Lousiana news report, Prudhomme was cooking at a golf course in Louisiana when he felt something hit his arm. He then noticed a .22 caliber bullet fall from his sleeve. He then rolled up his shirt to check for more wounds and a six inch bolt, a half eaten package of Ho-Ho's and Haley Joel Osment fell from a fold. "I'm an O.G. and little bullets don't faze me, dawg!" said a suddenly fired up Prudhomme. "Paula Deen and the Food Network had something to do with this! Nobody wants her ol' nasty red beans and rice recipe! This is what it's about, isn't it Paula? And Rachael Ray, that gravely voiced, hack! Drink some more of that piss water coffee you're peddling, ya stank ass ho!"

Police had originally classified the incident as a shooting, but then deemed it a simple complaint. They say a .22 caliber bullet can travel almost two miles, so they may never know who fired the shot. Hopefully all parties involved will learn a lesson from 'Pac and Biggie.

She Mugged You! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

"I wanna hold your cash."

Yesterday, Honorable Justice Mr. Bennet awarded Heather Mills a $48.7M divorce settlement making it the 6th largest in marriage shakedown history. Her four year marriage to ex-Beatle, Paul McCartney came to a bitter end in 2006 after a tumultuous start and the "pure evil" (as Mills puts it) of Stella McCartney. The judge came to this verdict after Mills initially turned down $50M from her ex in hopes of bagging more of the $1.6B she claimed he was worth.













One of these old ladies ROCK!...and one just got divorced.

McCartney expressed sadness at the end of his relationship. Citing what he thought as a trend of women being sexually attracted to men who resemble Angela Lansbury that are 25-30 years older than them, he confessed that he thought the union would last forever. He also displayed genuine surprise when informed that liver spots aren't and never have been sexy.

Disney Unearths Two Classics For DVD Release!

Rotting in the vaults for years...well, the one on the right.

Just in time for the Easter Holiday, Walt Disney unveils two timeless classics. Premiering on DVD this week is 101 Dalmatians , resurrected from the Disney vaults for the first time in a decade. Cruella de Vil and her quest for a rare and pricey dalmation coat are brought to life on this beautiful, digitally restored print of the 1961 film. Your children will delight in the restored "skinning" scene with all the yelps in tact.

However the real jewel in the crown is the second release. After over sixty-years in the bowels of Disney's vaults come its pride and joy, as Song of the South makes it's way to home video with a special Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah Slavery Is Swell Edition. The story revolves around Uncle Remus, the happiest slave on the plantation. His life and the life of his masters son Johnny, changes after he takes the boy in when he runs away from his divorcing parents. The child grows to love his friendship with the slaves, much to the chagrin of his proper mother. The movie was the first of its kind to show that no matter how bad it is for white people, a singing smiling, black guy makes everything feel alright.

"Stew tastes good huh? ...yeah, I peed in it."

As an added bonus there's a never before seen Director's cut which shows a more reflective, darker Remus who rose up against his oppressive masters but still had time to sing with animated birds. Some bonus features include songs cut from the film like "Stop Whippin' Me, Ya Bastards!", "You Mean I Can't Leave?" and "I Ain't Pickin' Shit!" (a fiery protest song sung by the character after he gets reprimanded for regaling the children with his tales of Br'er Rabbit). These were cut initially to give the film a lighter feel. Also in the bonus footage section the "foot cutting scene" (when a fellow slave gets a little too spry for his own good, his masters put him in check) and the extended and very explicit "love that dare not speak its name" scene where Johnny's mother realizes divorce might not be so bad. When asked about the racist overtones and perceived insensitivity of the film, a company flack stated "I think it's time for this film to be released," adding "I mean he sings and he smiles and...dog gone it, his voice is nice. I think people have gotten over that "thing" don't you?"

"...and tomorrow, I'll tell you where I buried him."

When first informed about the news of the releases, the Rev. Al Sharpton said he had mixed feelings about the messages being sent by a movie with black and white dogs as the stars. "You got these predominantly white dogs with little black spots on them, and that lady wants them to make a valuable coat out of them," said the civil rights leader. "I wonder how rare the coat would have been if it was a black dog with white spots? That's why I've started my own production company and our first animated picture is called 101 Pitbulls. It stars the voices of Gary Coleman, Lil' Kim and Coolio!" When asked what the plot was, the reverend confided that there really wasn't one and the film mainly consisted of the title characters attacking unsuspecting white folks. After being reminded that Song of The South was also set for release, Sharpton fainted.

Come for the cute dogs, stay for the good old fashioned racism.

Thanks Disney!

Yeah, But I'm Still Alive...Today

This week New York Magazine premiered a stunning tribute to legendary drug-addled trampoline Marilyn Monroe by having not so-legendary, drug addled receptacle Lindsay Lohan mimic her "Last Sitting" photo spread from 46 years earlier. Original photographer Bert Stern shot Lohan in various stages of dress and undress for his pictorial that accompanies a recent Li-Lo interview. The stunning photos were shot in black and white and color and are viewed as an attempt to resucitate the 21 year-old's floundering, post-I Know Who Killed Me carreer.

Some excerpts form the interview:

• When asked about Heath Ledger's and Monroe's untimely deaths: “They are both prime examples of what this industry can do to someone… I don’t know. I’m not them. But I sure as hell wouldn’t let it happen to me. I'll probably be driven mad by syphilis but drugs...Vicodin are like Skittles to me.”

• Regarding nudity: You know how many cell phone cameras in Hollywood have pics of my junk? Are you serious? Tasteful nudity? Oh you mean with nothing in my mouth? Oh, that's cool too."

• On Monroe herself: “Here is a woman who is giving herself to the public. She’s saying, ‘Look, you’ve taken a lot from me, so why don’t I give it to you myself?’ She’s taking control back. I can't believe she blew out her o-ring on the casting couch though. Did you hear about that? Totally had no elasticity...that's so gross!"

"I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically. For him to call Lindsay 46 years later and to say can you recreate these photos is an honor." beamed a proud Dina Lohan. She then added "Look at her cans, they're gorgeous! They're heavenly! The amount of product anyone of her boyfriends and myself have snorted off of them...I couldn't begin to tell you. The world should be so lucky to see them...again." Lohan went on to say her daughter was a huge Marilyn Monroe fan even though the star was long dead by the time she started to live vicariously through her child via her Disney money.

"Drink alot of Red Bull tonight...yeah dude...both of us!"

Not So "Hottie"

Why pay for it when you've seen it for free? That must have been the rationale behind the publics' decision to stay away from the celluloid Hiroshima known as The Hottie and the Nottie starring Paris Hilton. Movie goers having seen her slightly more talented vagina gratis on the net, decided against paying to see a film where she is clothed and attempting to put sentences together. With an estimated $25,000 weekend take, the film made Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show: 30 Days & 30 Nights look like a Star Wars opening and that one only took in a little more than $500,000.

"I only saw half of it and I felt my womb go barren."

"I think that clip on Youtube with the two chicks fighting at school recess was seen by more people," said box office analyst Artie Manfre, adding "I just checked the site. Not only that clip but some fat kid making hand shadows has got it beat by a mile!" A momentary wave of common sense is believed to be the culprit in this opening weekend no show. A man who asked to be called "Not The Director" said "I watched a colonoscopy in film school once, it was riveting in comparison to this!" He then went on to say " I tried my best with this receptacle but whenever I said "action", she tilted her head to the side like a confused puppy and then slowly spread her legs."

The studios haven't been deterred by this showing and have optioned the celebrity protein collector for three more films. Sources say a remake of the Morgan Freeman/Dustin Hoffman germ paranoia film Outbreak, Legs Wide Open, a sequel to the Tom Cruise film and The Hottie And The Nottie 2: Not Harder are in the developmental stages as of this writing.

Drug Users Are...Winners!

"Just say yes, mum! Just say YES!"

Former First Lady Nancy Reagan can chug a big glass of "shut the hell up", as her "Just Say No" anti-drug message of the 80's was rendered useless courtesy of Amy Winehouse. The perenially addled song bird stumbled off with 5 Grammy Awards and the adulation of millions, giving the slogan the relevancy of Wendy's old "Where's The Beef?" campaign. It also proved that drug dealers aren't really that bad and in fact actually provide a creative boost to the entertainment industry as the corpses of Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix, can attest to.

Winehouse who was seen smoking crack just a month ago, shocked all the naysayers as she won all the major categories except Album Of The Year which was won by Herbie Hancock whose album was heard by the voters and his immediate family. "We were shocked when her name was called all those times," said Amy's mother Janice. "I'm so proud of her for not puking and scratching herself bloody on camera." The win truly shows what you can achieve by overcoming absolutely nothing and people will accept your drug problem as long as it's combined with an ability to earn money. When speaking on his company's aborted attempt to drop her because of her "problem", Nick Gatfield, president of Island Records stated "It’s a reflection of her status [in the US] that when you flick through the TV coverage [of the Grammys] it’s her image they use." then adding "You think I was gonna take the L and dead that cash cow? You're out of your mind. Out of your f--kin' mind!"

When did this shit come out?

It wasn't all crackpipes and cotton candy for the UK warbler as her victory was met with some criticism. Former LSD, heroin and crack addict Natalie Cole stated that Winehouse's victory sent a "cake and eat it too" message to young performers even though she herself accepted a Grammy in 1975 while riding the white horse. This moment of pot meet kettle was rendered even more surreal by the fact that her young son almost drowned in her family pool while Cole and her late husband the Rev. Marvin Yancy indulged in a drug-fueled binge.

No. No. No.

#1 And Double The Fun, Hannah Montana Tops B.O. By Doubling Ticket Price

Number one with an asterisk* Disney and Miley/Sybil/Hannah Montana/Billie Jean/ Jo Cyrus will have to settle for that after a surprising but somewhat tainted victory. In what was the best Super Bowl Weekend opening ever, Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert took in a surpising $31.1M to overtake last weeks champ Meet the Spartans which dropped to third place. Disney however, assured its victory by eliminating all children's discounts on the limited run movie and doubling the ticket price in all theaters. "We are pleasantly surprised by the strong showing of this concert film," said a Disney rep. He also added "It's a great family film and any kid whose parents don't take them to see it, look at your parents and realize that they've never loved you and your life is an empty lie."

"I'm bankrupting your parents financially and morally, shhh!"

Winnie Carter of Culver City, California was one of a lucky few who won a local radio station's Montana-themed contests for tickets. "They only wanted one child and I got here first," the mother shrugged. "They are sending my youngest boy off to Sri-Lanka to work at a "men's resort" of some kind or whatever they said, but he's happy. He knows his sister wanted those tickets real bad. We love you, Billy."

The movie which was initially scheduled for a seven day run was such a wallet-raping success, that the house that Song of the South built has decided to extend the run. "Some theaters may get one week others may get two." said the flack. He then added "We're gonna get that money. Even if we have to get Miley to ring your doorbell so you answer it then when you do we beat you like Joe Pesci in Casino, we're gonna get it!"

Britney Spears Commited, TMZ Worried She'll Make Full Recovery

After months of erratic behavior, disgraced pop icon Britney Spears was finally committed last night to UCLA Medical Center's psychiatric ward. After the courts deemed her a 5150 (a danger to the public and herself), an ambulance led motorcade worthy of a US president showed up to take her to the hospital. With parents and other leeches in tow, the meal ticket to the soulless was hauled off for her date with the noggin doctor.

Harvey Levin stops to pose for the HMJ cameras.

Outisde of the hospital TMZ's chief sack of vinegar, Harvey Levin paced nervously about dressed in black. A distraught Levin proclaimed "Either way, this is a sad day for entertainment and whatever it is we do over at TMZ. On one hand she can get proper medical care and fully recover. Or she can have a total relapse and die." The fruit of Satans taint then added "Neither one is really good for us as we can only milk it for so long. Ledger's dead. If we had known he had a problem we would have made fun of him and his habit daily until he kicked it. This chick made us. We feed our families by calling her fat and praying for her to overdose but we don't want her to stop just...you know...spread it out over a couple of years?"



As a contingency plan, staffers at the journalisitic abomination of God and man have taken to shouting fat jokes and tossing crack cocaine at Hannah Montana while filming it and trying to get anyone from High School Musical to hang out with Rick Salomon. "We have bills to pay,"said one staffer on the grounds of anonymity. "We tried yelling stuff at Brad and Angelina's kids. Tried calling them fat or drug addled but they stare at us like they don't understand. Foreign kids are weird."

Mensa Invites Cloverfield Fans To Join After Meet The Spartans Tops Box Office

"See I'm an ancient gladiator but the irony is I have on a ski hat, get it...Get it?"

This weekend, moviegoers showed that breathing through their noses is optional as they made Meet the Spartans the number one movie at the box office with an $18.7M opening. Following closely behind with $18.2M in weekend receipts was Ben Gay-fueled homicide romp, Rambo . The triumph knocked last weeks champ Cloverfield, all the way to fourth place with a 60+% drop and a measely $12M take causing the fraternal order of geniuses to extend an offer to the fans. A member on the grounds of anonymity stated "Well, we're just happy they came to their senses." He also added " I believe the ability to recite the alphabet without blacking out played a part in their decision and for that we applaud them. As far as Spartans goes, we'd like to know the rate of inbreeding country-wide before we make a statement."

The most powerful player in entertainment right now.

Progenitor of everything evil, Satan phoned us at HMJ and gloated about his latest victory. "It's kinda funny when things like this occur,because people cry and proclaim 'There's no God!' " Adding "It's not a question of his existence, it's a testament to mine!" He then cackled maniacally finally stating: "It's only January bitches! It's about to get hot up in this piece!"

Let The Diapers Hit The Floor!

For what may be the first time in entertainment history, Hollywood has finally listened to public outcry and will give movie goers what they've been craving. A Peter Jackson-directed Hobbit movie? Uh-uh. A film where the black guy doesn't die within the first ten minutes? Uh...there are three Blade movies, thank you. After twenty years Sylvester Stallone will bring John Rambo back to the silver screen with the creatively titled Rambo.

With the success of 2006's Rocky Balboa, it was only natural that the Italian Stallion would bring another geriatric character back to the big-screen. The sixty year-old star ditched the metamucil and hit the HGH like a baseball player in December to get ready for the role. Through an interpreter, Stallone told us "The plastic hip held up pretty well durin' shootin' and I duct taped the waist and both legs of my underwear to my body during the tough action scenes." He then laughed as he told us "A couple times when I fell real hard I...ya know "went" on myself but it stayed in the diaper. A couple people were like "What's that smell?" but I didn't say nuthin!"

Murder She Wrote...bring it back, now!

Studios will be watching this weekends numbers very closely. With Stallone's opus unspooling and another Indiana Jones film premiering this summer, the AARP action genre may be the hottest ticket in town. Sources have informed us that execs are already looking at more of Sly's characters to bring back. Look for Over The Top II: Let's Do It Lefty and Stop Or My Mom Will Make That Old People Lip Smacking Noise! with the latter re-teaming Stallone with co-star Estelle Getty. When reached with this news at her home directly under the H in the Hollywood sign, Getty said "Oh, that's nice. Sly Stone is a nice boy and he makes wonderful music. Who called my name?"

"Where am I?"

Cloverfield Makes Viewers Sick...No Really, It Does

"Are those double-knit crewnecks from the fall collection? That's so hot!"

Cloverfield the box-office hit about monsters terrorizing Ambercrombie & Fitch employees in New York City, has succeeded in making people other than me violently ill. Sources say that the $46M dollar brain fart has been causing dizzyness and nausea for reasons other than its poor script and Youtube-caliber acting.

One blogger on the movie site IMDB, reported "I had to get up and leave the theater for nearly 20 minutes just to keep from hurling." he then added "Really? Motion sickness? Nah, I'm fine." Michael G. Stewart, chairman of otorhinolaryngology at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital/Weil Cornell Medical Center called it a case of vertigo and said "You can look around and feel like things are moving, when they aren't." He then noted how in cases of vertigo the brain is confused by a visual sensation of movement while the body is stationary. He later cautioned that upon purchase of tickets for the film, a persons brain activity and functionality should be in question anyway.

Leaked poster for Cloverfield II: Clove Harder

The AMC chain of theaters across the country have posted signs warning moviegoers of potential "side effects associated with motion sickness similar to riding a roller-coaster." as well as "a feeling of shame and exploitation as you realized you are basically watching JJ Abrams defecate in a film cannister as your money continues to put his kids through school and pay off his platinum and diamond encrusted toilet bowl."

AP To Britney: You're In Our "Dead Pool"

Thanks, ma!

Proving that Lynne Spears isn't the only one who could give a crap about her, Associated Press entertainment editor Jesse Washington admitted yesterday that the AP already has an obituary printed for Britney Spears. The reasoning being that Spears' recent behavior has her in the "at-risk" category. "We would never wish any type of misfortune on anybody and hope that we would never have to use it until 50 years from now, but if something were to happen, we would have to be prepared and damnit, we want to be first!" said Washington. "Besides, she's been tongue kissing the reaper for a few years now. Every guy she's with is closer to sprouting bat wings and eating a new born child than the last one. Sheesh, have you seen this new guy draggin her drug-addled ass around? If she's dangling over the pit of doom on a rope, this douche has the scissors." The AP also noted that the practice is common and that it's been so for years. "Christ, I lose money every year on Andy Dick!" said an Associated Press staffer. "He's either part Irish or a cat! Death should just take the loss with this guy 'cause it ain't happenin'!"

Andy Dick: Still ducking the Reaper.

Eddie Murphy And Wife Split, Wedding Guests Get Whiplash

With a time that would make Marion Jones smile but Britney Spears laugh at his ineptiude, Eddie Murphy and "wife" Tracey Edmonds have split after just two weeks. The Norbit star released a statement saying: "After much consideration and discussion, we have jointly decided that we will forego having a legal ceremony as it is not necessary to define our relationship further," it then went on to ask exactly how many Spice Girls are left and if they "swirl".

Shreks' favorite jackass "married" Edmonds after an affair with Spice Girl, Mel B. (Melanie Brown) which lasted just long enough for her to learn how to spell his last name and spit out a kid. The transvestite hookers best friend then went on to deny the child was his until Brown Maury-ed his ass with a paternity test. An unnanmed Murphy rep said: "I think he's figuring out it's cheaper to grow a beard then to keep marrying 'em."

"Thas jus' my baby daddy!"

The 3 R's: Roidin', Rappin & R&B, Entertainers Named In Steroid Investigation

Senator Mitchell, look what ya done started? This weekend in a stunning revelation form an Albany-based steroid investigation, several rappers and entertainers were named in a list of possible steroid users or recipients. The list includes rappers 50 Cent, Timbaland and Wyclef Jean, R&B songstress Mary J. Blige and even writer/producer/director Tyler Perry. Sources say that officials are worried that the G-Unit rapper and others may have used the performance enhancing drugs to get an advantage on their contemporaries. "Hey, if these guys are using these things to say "f--k" with more emphasis, call women "hoes" or throw money at strippers with a greater degree of contempt than let's say Nelly or someone like that then no, it isn't fair and that's when the government steps in!"

Well, she is "big boneded"...

The investigation launched last year by Albany DA, David Soares looks to identify primary sources of steroid trafficking. Law enforcement officials have said the entertainers haven't broken any laws but "Would you care if it was Rico Schwartz and Tyrone Johnson? It's frickin' 50 Cent, this is awesome!" said the offical on the grounds of anonymity. Representatives of the entertainers had no comment so HMJ took to the streets and surveyed the damage.

Look at those arms. The "J" stands for juiced!

At the Virgin Megastore in Times Square, "Kip" Sanford-Wentworthington shooed his driver away to weigh in on the situation. "If these guys did that then it's wrong. When Kip Jr. is in the Hamptons for the summer doing drugs and blasting their music he has a right to know if "Fitty" called a woman or another rapper for that matter a "bitch-ass n-word" without any help. What does that say to the children?" Another mother chimed in "How can I look at my 12 year old daughter and tell her that when they "Make It Rain" on the "hoes" the guys doing it may have an edge over the average rapper? And what about the "hoes" are they checking them? Those ba-donkadonks are abnormal too. God help us all!" she then turned away to choke back tears.

B.A. Baracus - Mr. T + Ice Cube = WTF?

Reports out of Hollywood are saying that Ice Cube has snagged the role of B.A. Baracus in John Singleton's big screen adaption of the popular 80's series, The A-Team. The man who brought you F--- tha Police and then starred in the kiddie camp fest Are We There Yet? will only say: "I can't say that I'm gonna be [B.A. yet] because it's still up to Fox, the people who have the movie," he said recently while in New York promoting his new film." "But John Singleton hit me — I believe he's gonna direct. If he directs it, I have a great chance of doing B.A. And yeah, I'd cut it. I'd get it[his signature afro] into a Mohawk!"

The show was about AWOL Vietnam Vets working as soldiers of fortune on the run from the government and starred George Peppard, Dirk Benedict, Dwight Schultz and Mr. T as the burly and imposing Baracus. It will be interesting to see what the star of XXX: This Sucks More Than The First One will bring to the role as the diminutive and doughy rapper is a far cry from the "pee in your pants scary" and chiseled original. Hollywood seems to be subscribing to the stereotype of as long as a black guy doesn't smile, he's SCARY!

What a Mr. T visit to the set of the new A-Team movie may look like.

What Hollywood seems to not remember is that while the A-Team is a fondly remembered show, it was bad. This movie could either be Bewitched or...are there any good TV to movie translations? I have some burning questions though: Will Cube punch a guy and they fly ten feet? Will the team unload enough rounds to take down a football field full of elephants and still not hit anyone? And most importantly, will somebody's car flip 5 times and then they'll walk away woozily before it explodes like it was packed with 25 pounds of TNT?

If you're listening Hollywood: Small Wonder: The Movie starring Dakota Fanning but make her murder the entire family. Pass the popcorn!

WGA Strike Kills Golden Globes This Sunday, Billy Bush Will Read...No Seriously, He Can

With a little help from the 2007–08 Writers Guild of America strike, NBC has figured out how to put a halt to overlong awards shows filled with mind numbing banter and vacant acceptance speeches: Have mind numbingly vacant people read off a list of winners! Joining a growing list of examples of collateral damage from the WGA strike is the 65th Golden Globe Awards which would have been held Sunday January 13, live on television. In its stead, the network plans a special Globe-themed Dateline show hosted by Matt Lauer from 7 to 9PM. It will be followed by a "press conference" in which Access Hollwood finger puppets, Nancy O'Dell and Billy "Captain Nepotism" Bush will read off a list of the "winners".

A nominated actor on the grounds of anonimty said: "The Golden what now? Oh those? Yeah..um there's a party that night, is that what that's for?" The network tried to postpone the awards but the Hollywood Foreign Press Association and Dick Clark productions would not budge. An HFPA rep commented "If the studios think I'm giving back my "No Country For Old Men" drink coasters or my "Kite Runner" mouse pad, they're out of their frickin' minds!"

The Golden Globes are the Tito Jackson of awards shows and are worthy of respect only slightly higher than that given to the People's Choice and Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards.