Yeah, But I'm Still Alive...Today

This week New York Magazine premiered a stunning tribute to legendary drug-addled trampoline Marilyn Monroe by having not so-legendary, drug addled receptacle Lindsay Lohan mimic her "Last Sitting" photo spread from 46 years earlier. Original photographer Bert Stern shot Lohan in various stages of dress and undress for his pictorial that accompanies a recent Li-Lo interview. The stunning photos were shot in black and white and color and are viewed as an attempt to resucitate the 21 year-old's floundering, post-I Know Who Killed Me carreer.

Some excerpts form the interview:

• When asked about Heath Ledger's and Monroe's untimely deaths: “They are both prime examples of what this industry can do to someone… I don’t know. I’m not them. But I sure as hell wouldn’t let it happen to me. I'll probably be driven mad by syphilis but drugs...Vicodin are like Skittles to me.”

• Regarding nudity: You know how many cell phone cameras in Hollywood have pics of my junk? Are you serious? Tasteful nudity? Oh you mean with nothing in my mouth? Oh, that's cool too."

• On Monroe herself: “Here is a woman who is giving herself to the public. She’s saying, ‘Look, you’ve taken a lot from me, so why don’t I give it to you myself?’ She’s taking control back. I can't believe she blew out her o-ring on the casting couch though. Did you hear about that? Totally had no elasticity...that's so gross!"

"I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically. For him to call Lindsay 46 years later and to say can you recreate these photos is an honor." beamed a proud Dina Lohan. She then added "Look at her cans, they're gorgeous! They're heavenly! The amount of product anyone of her boyfriends and myself have snorted off of them...I couldn't begin to tell you. The world should be so lucky to see them...again." Lohan went on to say her daughter was a huge Marilyn Monroe fan even though the star was long dead by the time she started to live vicariously through her child via her Disney money.

"Drink alot of Red Bull tonight...yeah dude...both of us!"

Jenna Jameson Finally Closes Shop And Legs

The flags at Astroglide Headquarters in Vista, California are flying at half mast today as news of Jenna Jameson's retirement spread like a biblically virulent case of mega herpes on the set of one of her films. Over the weekend at the AVN Adult Movie Awards, "America's Petrie Dish" called it a career saying: "I will never ever spread my legs again in this industry ever." which is the equivalent of Bobby Brown saying he's had enough cocaine. Jameson then went on to say she will focus on her web business, her relationship with Mixed Martial Arts fighter Tito Ortiz and try to do things like eat a sandwhich every six months because it's something she remembers as being "fun".

Spankmasters everywhere remember her fondly from her stellar adult film debut in Up and Cummers 10. Her rise to the top was meteoric with some people referring to her as the "greatest pornstar that ever lived" which is like telling someone they have the cutest crippling disfigurement. She became the highest grossing adult star ever earning $60,000 per film and up to $25,000 a night for "dancing". "When it smelled like a bunch of rubber tires on fire, we knew Jenna was in the building and she was gettin' busy!" said Wayne "Drippy" Cummings, a production assistant on most of her films. "She'll be missed here at the clinic." said a physician on the grounds of anonimity "I bought a Rolls and an inground pool on the penicilin money alone...bless her man. God bless her."

Jenna'a Meatbags: Mulling a solo career

The first man to climb Mount Everest died this week at 88. We were going to do a piece on Sir Edmund Hillary but for all his vast accomplishments, he never did 12 guys with no lube.

God bless Jenna indeed!

It Took 2 Drinks To Get In, It'll Take 9 Months To Get Out: Pamela Anderson Pregnant, Boots The Baby Daddy

A boob joke? Too easy.

Pamela Anderson baffled scientists again with the anouncement that she's pregnant. As blackholes yield nothing, this is truly an unexplained phenomena. "We were always lead to believe that it[her um...thingie] possessed corrosive attributes not unlike the queen in the Alien movies." said a Nobel Prize winning chemist. "We were stunned to learn that it [her...ya know?] was still capable of giving life."

Anderson also decided to boot protein supplier to the stars, Rick Salomon. Originally filing last month, Anderson may have wanted to make sure all that baby juice reached its destination before giving Rick the heave ho. Lynne Spears, lock 'em up baby! If Bin Laden were skank trim, Salomon would've found him seven years ago!

Now It's Amy's Turn To Take A Shot In The Face

As if the words Amy Fisher and class weren't already synonymous, the Long Island Ho-lita and her dirty old man husband were at ReTox bar in New York City last Thursday to celebrate the release of "Amy Fisher: Even Murderous Whores Can Be Celebrities". A sextape made by the couple just before they were allegedly "estranged" and angry hubby Lou Ballera "leaked" the tape. Red Light District Video, the distributers of such sterling cinema like 1 Night in Paris and 1 Night in China are handling the distribution of Joey Buttafuoco's latest spank material.

Red Light District Scrapped This Cover Art At The Last Minute

Son of Sam law be damned! The video shows Fisher doing what she does best...taking a pounding from a man almost old enough to be her father. In an ironic case of "pot, meet kettle", she also repeatedly refers to her private area as her uh..."c-word." She goes on to call Ballera her "daddy" and asks him several times if he wanted to stick it in her um..."c-word."

Sigmund Freud is hurling in his grave.

Answer to your question: Yes, I saw it for free almost two months ago. The boys at Red Light are slow on the upkeep. However, people buy water and you can get that for free too.