Bush: I've Got Terrorists Bitchified!

"You're god damned right! What? Yeah... I thought so!"

In what was his final State Of The Union Address, the "Duh"mander-In-Chief did not dissappoint fans of John Wayne or The Lone Ranger. With a seeming extra set of hands that he grew, George Bush was able to toot his own horn as well as pat himself on the back simultaneously. With much bravado the president exclaimed in front of a joint session of Congress "Some may deny the surge is working, but among the terrorists there is no doubt," he then uttered to thunderous applause "Al Qaeda is on the run in Iraq and this enemy will be defeated! Yeah mother f---ers!" When asked how any of this has anything to do with the capture of Osama bin Laden, Bush quickly changed the topic of discussion to what's going on with American Idol and how he was "sad" for Britney Spears.

Some of the other "high" point of his address was when he:

• Gave Iran a stark warning to "come clean" about its nuclear ambitions and subsequently appointed Roger Clemens to lead the investigation.



• Acknowledged "uncertainty" in the US economy and urged Congress to quickly pass the agreed-upon stimulus plan, but warned against withdrawing from free-trade agreements.



• Urged the creation of an "international clean-technology fund" to help developing nations use cleaner energy.



• Gave a shout out to Halliburton,who just started an "International clean-technology division" to help developing nations use cleaner energy

While trumpeting his "victory", Bush noted that this would likely have not been possible, had it not been for sending some 30,000 additional troops to Iraq a year ago over the fierce objection of Democrats in Congress. He also laughed at the notion that those objections would have been taken seriously in the first place.

"This one's almost big enough to hold a rifle. Get his name!"

NY Gov. Spitzer Says: "Crack Is Taxed!"

Hold on Pookie ! Next time you look for Ray-Ray n 'em for your fix you better have exact change!

In a move that's sure to have the offices of H&R Block overrun with clients with names like "Silk Daddy" and "Willie Smoove", New York State Governor Eliot Spitzer has proposed a tax stamp on illegal drugs which would cost $3.50 per gram for marijuana and $200 per gram for a controlled substance.

"Twenty-nine states across the nation have enacted laws enabling them to collect taxes on illegal drugs," said spokesman Errol Cockfield. Opponents of the bill though say the plan sends a messag ethat using drugs is OK as long as you pay your taxes. Some are even outraged at the notion of a tax. "What's next, taxing prostitution?" asked Assembly Minority Leader James Tedisco (R-Schenectady) adding " I can't wait to see what kind of stamp they'll put on these girls in New York City and around the state. My accountant is gonna be amused...no one is recording this, right?"

Weed tax? No waaaaay!

HMJ took to the streets and asked drug dealers what their opinion of Spitzer's plan was. "This dude is out his gat damned mind!" proclaimed Beumont "Cat Daddy" Wilkens. "OK, let's say I start charging tax. Where the hell is a crackhead gonna get what amounts to New York State tax? He's a crackhead and he probably stole that five dollars! And where the hell are my girls supposed to put the damn receipts? Aw, hell naw!"

"Cat Daddy" Wilkens procurer of runaways and prompt tax payer.

Total Re-Cow: FDA Says It's OK To Buy Cloned Meat & Milk

"Eet ees like meat but you know, a clone?"

A team of Ahnuld's scriptwriters couldn't have done it any better but the FDA says that it is now OK to buy the meat of cloned animals. The United States Department of Agriculture has asked the farmers to keep the meat of the genetic perversions off the market because of concerns over customer fears. "Even though it is safe and the sale of it has been approved, we are worried about things like mass hysteria and additional appendages." said an USDA flack. When asked if he himself had a problem with cloned meats consumption he resonded: "Who, me? Oh I don't eat that sh--, because...well, you know...because?"

Although the meat was declared safe to eat in October of 2007, it wasn't until yesterday that the administration gave a green light to the sale of it. Cloned livestock farmer, Willard "Willie" Haskins of Kentucky adds "Shoot, meat is meat. I thought weird stuff would happen when I first ate cloned meat but nothing out of the ordinary has really happened." He then went on to say "Other than this little thing right here on my arm, I feel fine. Sumbitch still itches and my nose bleeds when I clap but that coulda come from anywhere ya know?"

"Willie" can you hear me?