Bush: I've Got Terrorists Bitchified!

"You're god damned right! What? Yeah... I thought so!"

In what was his final State Of The Union Address, the "Duh"mander-In-Chief did not dissappoint fans of John Wayne or The Lone Ranger. With a seeming extra set of hands that he grew, George Bush was able to toot his own horn as well as pat himself on the back simultaneously. With much bravado the president exclaimed in front of a joint session of Congress "Some may deny the surge is working, but among the terrorists there is no doubt," he then uttered to thunderous applause "Al Qaeda is on the run in Iraq and this enemy will be defeated! Yeah mother f---ers!" When asked how any of this has anything to do with the capture of Osama bin Laden, Bush quickly changed the topic of discussion to what's going on with American Idol and how he was "sad" for Britney Spears.

Some of the other "high" point of his address was when he:

• Gave Iran a stark warning to "come clean" about its nuclear ambitions and subsequently appointed Roger Clemens to lead the investigation.



• Acknowledged "uncertainty" in the US economy and urged Congress to quickly pass the agreed-upon stimulus plan, but warned against withdrawing from free-trade agreements.



• Urged the creation of an "international clean-technology fund" to help developing nations use cleaner energy.



• Gave a shout out to Halliburton,who just started an "International clean-technology division" to help developing nations use cleaner energy

While trumpeting his "victory", Bush noted that this would likely have not been possible, had it not been for sending some 30,000 additional troops to Iraq a year ago over the fierce objection of Democrats in Congress. He also laughed at the notion that those objections would have been taken seriously in the first place.

"This one's almost big enough to hold a rifle. Get his name!"

Bush says: No Guns For Felons Or The Mentally Ill...But They Can Run Like Cheap Pantyhose For Political Office

In an unprecedented and bold move yesterday, Congress passed its first gun control legislation in 12 years! George Bush signed off on a bill that would expand the federal database used to screen gun buyers in order to "Findify felons and the mentally ill." as the Dumbander-In-Chief decreed. Unless of course the mentally ill person was never diagnosed as being so and has no record of behavioral instability which would leave them free to buy anything short of a rocket launcher.

Surprisingly, The Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence and the National Rifle Association are on the same side in this argument but not everyone in Washington is all smiles. Kristen Rand of the Violence Policy Center said there is "far more bad in this bill than good." Due mostly to the fact that there are some provisions to restore gun owning priviledges to some people who could not own before but now pass the "crazy" criteria. Asked if the organization's support for the bill was a sign of a new willingness to work with gun control groups, an NRA spokesman offered this lengthy response: "No."

Clem "Sleep foot" Winifred: Half past crazy but sane enough to buy a gun.

Ass-kicking God bless America.