Catholic League Tells ESPN Anchor, "No, F--k YOU!"

The Catholic League was on the offensive this week as it questioned ESPN's response in the suspending of anchor Dana Jacobson after buckling to pressure from them. During a roast for on-air personality Mike Greenberg in Atlantic City, an intoxicated Jacobson declared "F--k Notre Dame", "F--k Touchdown Jesus," and finally "F--k Jesus!" They claim her apology and subsequent suspension are not enough and that the Disney-owned network is supporting her "hate speech" by not publicly disemboweling her like Mel Gibson at the end of Braveheart.

League president Bill Donohue claims "First, there is no evidence that ESPN is taking this matter seriously," he then said. "Are we to believe that her hate speech is of no consequence?" He went on to mention the firing of Jimmy The Greek and that her intoxication was no excuse as it didn't help Gibson with his remark about Jews. Finally he noted "By far the most offensive thing she said, 'F--- Jesus,' isn't even addressed!" He then quickly reminded us how Catholics are more "gangsta" than any religion and that Jacobson should "check herself" because they've slaughtered thousands for something as trivial as not sharing their beliefs.

"It's all good, Dana."

Jesus was spotted leaving the Hannah Montana concert in Las Vegas, Nevada on Tuseday and had this to say: "She said that? Dude, whatever." After more prodding the Spawn of The Almighty exclaimed "Uh...millions of people worship me in different ways. I've got about a million names. There's incurable diseases, heinous crimes against humanity, senseless war and I'm still not sure how Carrot Top sells out Vegas every night. I'm the son of God...I've WON! Let it go already!"

Christianity, F--k yeah!

ESPN Rewards Man For Sloth, Children In 3rd World Countries Still Eat Flies

"The potato's real and I'm chucking it in the garbage! Take that Feed The Children!"

Stan Friedman outlasted the competition last week when he spent 29 hours seated, watching sports and eating. Last week ESPN Zone in New York city had its 1st Annual Ultimate Couch Potato contest and Friedman who works upstairs from the restuarant bested four other Big Apple residents including one female participant, Lindsey Wagenblast. Second place finisher Nate Lopez of Queens lost when his bladder chock full of salty, greasy snacks and diet soda could take no more as he ran out before the alotted bathroom break. For his "athleticism", Friedman will go home with: a 42" HDTV, a recliner, a years worth of ESPN the Magazine, $200 in Zone game cards and a false sense of accomplishment. "I've always wanted to be the best at something and I figured this would be the easiest to be the best at." said the future gout candidate.


The competition was broadcast on ESPN and was seen in many countries where eating regularly and watching TV are a dream that many die never realizing. News spread all the way to the Sudan where Mbutu Mtume had this to say through a translator: "So, in your country you eat and relax as competition? And people are rewarded for it? Wonderful! Would you like to share in this bowl of boiled leaves and larvae? It's the village delicacy."