Breaking News: Clemens Hires New Attorneys

Blake & Simpson "What's Evidence?"

Seeing the writing on the wall and the failure of Rusty_Hardin looming on the horizon, Roger Clemens is in talks to drop his legal team to hook up with the newly minted law firm of Blake & Simpson. The team has history of getting the hopelessly guilty inexplicably exonerated. "What is "evidence" exactly?" said Bob Blake one half of the dynamic legal duo. "I mean, a gun with prints? People seeing you leave the scene of the crime and then going back to retrieve your gun? Sweating like a priest at a Cub Scout meeting when the cops take you in for questioning? All circumstantial. This will be easy."

"I got your f--kin' retainer right here, Rusty!"

With allegedly damning testimony from "best friend" Andy Petitte and former teamate Chuck Knoblauch as well as possible DNA evidence, it looked like the Rocket would have to come clean and admit to using illegal steroids in front of a House Senate committe but not so says litigator Simpson. "DNA is kind of overrated. If your blood is on something does that mean it came from you? Flesh under your finger nails? Come on, man!This case is weak. He'll be home in time for spring training." The famous attorney then discussed how Clemens needs to look for the "real steroid abuser" and how he could possibly dedicate the rest of his life to doing so.

"I'm glad Roger has decided to go in a different direction," said Debra Clemens, the hurlers wife. "It has been a strain on the entire family. All of this unwarranted speculation mentally drains you...it wears you down." The dainty mother of four then went on to say how she is withering away to nothing and how her husband worries about her diminishing appearance every night.

Debra Clemens: Getting smaller every day.

The team is set to begin defending the Texas fire-baller immediately.

Bloody Syringe, Bloody Gauze...Bloody Hell, I Still Didn't Do It!

"If Two and A Half Men is a repeat again tonight, I swear to god..."

After giving sworn testimony on Capitol Hill yesterday 7-time Cy Young winner and OJ-level delusional liar, Roger Clemens was dealt another serious blow to his crusade to prove his innocence in an ongoing steroid investigation. Brian McNamee, his trainer and alleged supplier handed over used syringes, bloody gauze and other effects that could implicate him for lying about his use of performance enhancing drugs. "Roger Clemens has put himself in a position where his legacy as the greatest pitcher in baseball will depend less on his ERA and more on his DNA," said Earl Ward, a lawyer for McNamee.

The evidence allegedly comes from 2000 and 2001, the time whem McNamee says he personally injected the former Red Sox and Yankee great. "You are about to see part two of the Duke case" warned Rusty Hardin, a Clemens attorney. "Not so much with the black chick having a train run on her by priviliedged white guys and then she accuses them but they get off because she was a lying stripper whore anyway but you know...just take out the lacrosse team and put Roger in their place but he's like totally guilty but still rich and white and the lying, whore stripper is also white but...you know not nearly as rich or famous?" The attorney went on to suggest that this is helpful to their case as it shows McNamee to be determined to "ruin a guy that people will always like more than him because he's rich and it's really sad."

In a related story, Clemens family dog Cocoa, a teacup chihuahua was disqualified from a local dog show for being "overweight" for her division. "When does the persecution of my family end?" the baeseball great lamented. "Just look at her, she's the sweetest two year-old you've ever seen. I remember when I brought her home she fit in the palm of my hand. She's still so tiny. I'm gonna find who runs that show and rip their god damned liver and kindeys out. Cook them and feed it to them. Let them crap it out and make them eat it again." Clemens then shouted obscenities at a busload of handicapped children before boarding the bus and punching each child while handing them an autographed baseball.

Cocoa Clemens, such a cutie.

Ultimate Douchebag Praises Ledger's Death

Ultra Right-Wing mouth breather, Warrior f.k.a. Ultimate Warrior (Jim Hellwig is his real name but he had to legally change it so equally douche-y Vince McMahon couldn't profit off of him.) reminded the world just how dangerous a mix of too much time, steroids and a desire to be remembered can be. In a rambling manifesto posted on his blog, he mockingly referred to the recently deceased actor as "Leather Ledger" and when he wasn't making fifth grade level homophobic taunts, he gushed about how he was glad Ledger had killed himself. All this from a man who used to wear a tiny speedo, oil himself up and roll around on a mat with other oiled up men. And by the way, did I mention he did this while injecting his body with drugs that will eventually kill him but not before shriveling his testicles to the size of plain M&M's?

The juiced up hunk of has-been had a bright wrestling career that petered out in the mid-90's due to an inflated ego offset by a shrunken brain. His signature move was...well a clothesline because he was a terrible wrestler. He has since resigned to a life of suing people that say Warrior or use the leter W or look at a picture of him and laugh at what a joke he has become. At least he isn't gay.

Nope...not gay at all.

Clemens says: B12 Injections NOT Steroids Made Him Bat Throwing Maniac

Read My Lips: "Get me mad enough and I swear to God I'll eat a baby!"

In his continuing quest to clear his good name, Roger Clemens is taking to the airwaves this Sunday in an exclusive interview with 60 Minutes. Mike Wallace a tough as nails interviewer who once had the temerity to ask Michael Jordan what his favorite color was, pulls no punches in this unflinching Q&A session. The Yankee fireballer states that the Mitchell Report was erroneous in reporting that he took steroids such as Winstrol and HGH during his stellar carreer.

Clemens, a seven time MLB all-star and multiple Cy Young winner says that Brian McNamee may have given him B12 shots and lidocane but never any performance enhancing drugs. When asked to explain his tree trunk-like neck and extreme moodswings the Texas hurler gets right to the point. "Let me be clear -- the answer is no, I did not use steroids, human growth hormone, and I've never done so," he proclaimed passionately. "In fact when I threw that jagged piece of wood at Mike Piazza in 2000, I was reacting to rumors that he was a vampire. In case you didn't know, if he bites someone else they'll become one too. I had no Holy Water at the time and teammates to think of so I figured I'd stake that sonuva bitch before he infected anyone. I mean Christ man, don't you guys watch movies?" Clemens then inexplicably chokes Wallace for a full two minutes before being restrained by his lawyer.

Upon hearing the pitcher's claims Richard D. Emery, McNamee's lawyer said "Brian has a Masters Degree in sports medicine he knows the difference between Vitamin B12, lidocane and performance enhancing drugs. He also knows that he had use a diamond tipped drill assisted syringe to penetrate the layers of cadaver juice enhanced muscle on that man's ass just to get one cc of liquid in him." The two plan to sue Clemens if he says on "60 Minutes" that McNamee was lying when he said he injected him with performance-enhancing drugs. "He's got a chance to protect himself," Emery said to the New York Times. "We're not going to sue him if he doesn't do it. But if he does it, we're going to sue him...from as far away as possible though, because that juice monkey can hurl a marshmallow through a brick wall"

Judge for yourself this weekend.

Roy Jones Junior Admits To Raising Fighting Chickens, Animal-Rights Activists DON'T CARE!

In a recent interview, boxing great Roy Jones, Jr. alarmed animal rights activists everywhere when he stated he lets the dogs on the farm that he raises CHICKENS FOR FIGHTING at "go at it a little." Concerned observers stated that "This is how dogs are trained for fighting." Jones said that sometimes he lets the dogs go "a half hour or so" then he breaks them up for fear of them really getting hurt. "Dogs don't need a half hour to fight." said another animal lover "This is how it is determined whether or not the dog has the stamina or make-up for fighting." Jones, an O.G. in the animal fighting game stated in a 2003 interview in Esquire magazine: "I give my roosters the best of food. I give them the best of care. I give them everything they want before I ask them to sacrifice. Get a rooster comfortable and he’ll fight his ass off."

News of Jones comments have been met with little or no fanfare. No chicken activists were available for comment but when an actual chicken was asked it said: "Sheezus man, the football guy gets almost two years for dog fighting and the media crucifies him. This guy raises my kind to be mutilated by the razors they attach to our legs and it gets all the attention of a missing black child." The chicken then twitched it's head several times and continued to eat bugs and it's own waste off the floor.

"A travesty...a true injustice!" said Chicken (l)

Let's be honest people, dogs are much cuter than chickens and by gosh, it's harder to fit two of those legs in that little box with a buttermilk biscuit.