Help Me Jebus!

2009-09-14T09:46:00.000-07:00

Real Douchebags Angered By Kanye West Comparison

(l) Helpful douche (r) Hurtul "douche"

Millions of Taylor Swift fans aren't the only ones offended by Mr. West's latest award show antics. It seems the feminine hygiene community is up in arms at the constant comparisons to the Louis Vitton Don. Vin Ager, an attorney claiming to speak on behalf of "millions of real douchebags everywhere" fired off a scathing letter to the press:

For years now the actions of Mr. Kanye West have been attributed to "douchebag behavior", "acting like or being a douche" or "douche-y". Let the record show that since the 1800's we have helped wash away things almost as foul as Mr. West himself and we ask at this time that he no longer be identified as being a "douchebag". He hasn't now or ever been one of us. If you want to identify him with anything we suggest:

Scumbag-because catching semen is a crap job

Asshole-with his mouth being reminiscient of one as it produces shit

Extremely lucky, arrogant vocoder using, obnoxious and questionably talented fucktard...unless there are also objections from the fucktard community.

If we have to be identified with untalented celebrities we would like to keep it limited to harmless "douches" like John Gosselin, Spencer Pratt or any male reality star on VH-1.

Thank you.

Story developing...

2008-11-05T02:03:00.001-08:00

Jebus Listened!

2008-11-03T10:48:00.000-08:00

This Can't Happen In America...

...in Ohio maybe, but NOT in America!!

2008-10-29T11:01:00.000-07:00

Worldnet Daily Says: "God Doesn't Want Change"

God Says: "I Never Said That!"

A vote for Obama is a vote for eternal damnation says Janet Porter of conservative e-rag WorldNetDaily. According to a post that promises everything short of a plague of locusts and exploding genetalia, Porter says the good book has forseen the end of civilization with an Obama win.

Here is an excerpt:

To all those who name the name of Christ who plan to willfully disobey Him by voting for Obama, take warning. Not only is our nation in grave danger, according to the Word of God, so are you.

First, the facts on life: On July 17, 2007, Barack Obama spoke to Planned Parenthood and said:
On this fundamental issue of [abortion rights], I will not yield and Planned Parenthood will not yield. ... The first thing I'll do as president is sign the Freedom of Choice Act. That's the first thing that I'd do. ...

And what is the "Freedom of Choice Act"? It would completely federalize the abortion issue and strike down all state laws from parental notification to the Woman's Right to Know Laws to bans on partial-birth abortion, declaring them null and void with the stroke of an Obama pen.

In one week, America will make a choice. And to those who call themselves "Christian" who are planning on voting for Barack Obama, put down the Obama talking points and read God's voter guide before you go to the polls:

I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live (Deuteronomy 30:19).

But you think this issue doesn't matter? God felt so strongly about it that he carved it in stone:

You shall not murder (Exodus 20:13).
Think you can love God and still vote against life? In John 14:15, Jesus said:
If you love Me, keep My commandments.
Yes, and "Thou shall not murder" made the top 10.

(L) An artists inetrpretation of New York City shortly after an Obama win. (R) the "really scary stuff"

Porter goes on to rant about God making food taste bad and by his divinity forcing every radio station to play "the hip-hop" as she calls it, on an infinite basis. "How could God have let a bla...non-Christian get so far in a race for the most important seat in America?" lamented the card carrying McCainiac. "I think it was a test and now he's waiting to drop the big one on us. Famine, pestilence, interracial gay couples...people having to live within their means. It's coming...coming I tell you. And people wanna vote for this?..buncha stupid bastards."

When finally reached for comment, the almighty was livid. "When? When did I say this stuff and to who? And why? That country isn't even on the biggest continent in the world!" said the creator of pretty much everything. "Look, I got alot of things going on and I don't have time to be linked to every threat that humanity places against each other. What about Vishnu? He never said anything about damning anyone right? Buddha, Shiva and Gleep Glorp or whoever the f-ck Scientologists pray to love everyone right? ...tired of this shit!"

The Almighty: "Tired of this shit!"

2008-10-28T07:50:00.000-07:00

RECESSION SCHMECESSION, I'M RICH BITCH!

“In these tough economic times, Americans should be more cautious with their money and shy away from frivolous spending.” This is advice that super-douche, Jet fan David Findel took a steaming dump on as he secured the rights to $400,000 seats on the 50 yard line at the new Meadowlands Stadium opening in 2010.

Findel raised the stakes when the auction got as high as 140K for the two seats. The 43 year old owner of a Mortgage Lending firm…(no really, that’s what he does. call it irony or whatever…), put in the winning bid of $200K per seat in a silent auction. He chose to not be silent upon winning as he called the others in the room “Poor bastards!” and said he would “wipe his ass with all the default notices from the firm…BAILOUT BITCHES!”

"Who me? I'm broke."

When told of Findel’s windfall well known pop culture moneybags and philanthropist Monopoly Guy , stated “He did wha…does this guy watch the news? Are you f-cking kidding me?”

2008-10-26T13:33:00.000-07:00

We Got Him, Ashley!

The "B" was for Bigfoot, beeyotch!

The plight of Ashley Todd, the McCain volunteer who cried “black guy” held the nation in a politically and racially charged chokehold for nearly 48 hours. Originally, the 20 year-old college student told Pittsburgh PD that she was accosted by a 6’4, 200 pound, African-American, card carrying Democrat who took umbrage at her support for John McCain and carved a symbolic “B” into her cheek to mark her as a “converted” Obama supporter. The story soon fell apart however, as Todd was unable to keep her stories straight and the search for a dyslexic left-wing nut was coming up short.

After several failed lie detector tests and consolatory calls from McCain and Palin as well as a statement from the Obama camp, she told the police that she had made up her black assailant and couldn’t remember much of the night. She was arrested and formerly charged with filing a false report.

Shortly after we received a startling phone call from the “real slasher” who wanted to come into our offices and speek exclusively to Help Me Jebus!

All he wants is his "props", he stated before he stormed out of the interview.

HMJ: Is there any reason why Todd was singled out?

BF: Other than the fact she was a slow runner? Look at that chick’s face.

HMJ: Did you want recognition and why thievery?

BF: First of all I didn’t steal anything. And secondly…I guess I was upset that people have forgotten about me. Sadaam’s dead. Nobody’s seen Bin Laden in 7 years but I’m still here, man. Shit, Google us and you’ll see both those guys are getting way more press than me. Why? I’m not dead. People swear they see me and take pictures all the time but I get nothing. I’m tired of it. Everybody’s getting a slice of the fame pie except “Ol’ Sassy”!

HMJ: Why the violent, backwards carving of the “B”

BF: Look man, I’m a Bigfoot! I crap in the woods and run from people with cameras, I never had time for schooling…I did the best I could. [he momentarily sobs but then quickly regains his composure] Let me ask you a question: “Who’s dumber the guy who can’t write letters so good or the dullard who mistakes me for a hairless, 6’4” black dude?” I’m at least 7 feet.

HMJ: Do you plan on turning yourself in?

BF: Nah man, screw that. I think I let the world know that I’m still here and people should be scared of me. I’ve been running for fifty years and they haven’t caught me yet! I’m not about to turn myself in! What up with that, Bin Laden?

HMJ: What upset you most about the coverage?

BF: The only thing that pisses me off is they tried to turn this into a political thing. I support neither party. They’ve never done anything for me or my kind and I don’t appreciate being a tool…I mean for either party because I’m so NOT a tool. And I hear Willie Horton had some shit to say too. Dude don't even try it, no one's heard from you in 20 years. That was my show!

2008-06-06T08:46:00.001-07:00

No Country For Straight Men:
Man Accidentally Walks Into Sex And The City Screening

Last night seemed like any other night to Mark Henriquez of Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn. He went to the local Loewes Humongoplex Theater with his girlfriend to catch the eight o’clock showing of Iron Man but it wasn’t meant to be. Henriquez shares his harrowing account with HMJ.

“We were sitting there waiting for the movie to start but we were both hungry. I should have gotten the food on the way in but I wanted to get us good seats.” said Henriquez. The young man however decided to go for refreshments after the movie had started. After the initial shock of taking out a home equity loan for pop corn two hot dogs and a large diet soda, the disoriented New Yorker attempted to return to the theater to enjoy the food with his mate but that never happened.

Left to right: Kristin Davis, Sarah Jessica Parker and Cynthia Nixon (not pictured Kim Catrall's re-animated corpse.)

“I guess after wiping the tears from my eyes, I was a little confused. I walked into a theater and I sat down next to a girl who was dressed very similar to mine and just started eating and talking.” He added. “First thing I noticed was Jeff Bridges looked like shit but they kept calling him “Samantha”. I wasn’t aware of any character in Iron Man by that name and I figured they added him for the movie. Then I noticed Robert Downey Jr's arms were very toned for the part but he was wearing heels and I thought they really “uglied him up” to make him look tougher but I was wrong, it was Sarah Jessica Parker.” Once he realized where he was, the horror slowly sank in. “It smelled like weak alcohol and the Bath & Body Works at the Galleria. I was scared because I could sense the self pity and the need for an actual penis as opposed to a plastic one…from the women and the men in there. I tried to get up and run but I tripped and fell in the aisle. When I looked up, it was like the last scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. One of those women took her top down and I felt my face start to melt like soft serve ice cream. I can’t believe that was rated R. It’s a snuff film and I’m suing all parties involved. I don’t even know if my girlfriend made it home last night because I crawled out of there with my eyes closed and staggered home. Honey if you made it home, call me.” Calls to Loewes theaters and Mark's girlfriend went unreturned.

2008-05-30T08:36:00.000-07:00

Stone Says China Earthquake Was “Karma”, Karma Furious

Basic In-stank 3: Hot Flashes

Last week on the red carpet at the Cannes Film Festival (where the most level headed and relevant sound bites are recorded), Sharon Stone said she was torn about whether or not to do something for the victims of the devastating earthquake in China. In the wake of thousands of deaths, the Mensa member and star of Basic Instinct and the cleverly titled Basic Instinct 2 said she didn’t like how the Chinese treated her good friend the Dalai Lama. She was then quoted as saying “Then all this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice, that the bad things happen to you?"

"OK, I'm confused. Keep my pants up and keep my mouth closed?"

Her comments set off a firestorm with China immediately condemning her for her words. Then she got it in the wallet as Christian Dior removed her as the face of their Chinese campaign and released a statement that when translated in English read: "We don't agree with her hasty, unreflecting remarks and we deeply regret them,". Also adding “Dior was one of the first international brands to enter China and has won the affection and respect of the consuming public. We absolutely do not support any remark that hurts the Chinese people's feelings. This chick took a co-starring role in Catwoman. I mean Catwoman, are you f-ckin’ kidding me? She's toast! We swear!”

Karma: "It's not my fault all the time!"

However it was the centuries old symbol of getting what’s good for you, Karma who had the harshest words for the 50 year old trampoline. “Why is my name mentioned when bad shit happens? I do good things too. I don’t need this has-been actor associating me with the deaths of upwards of 80,000 people!” It then went on to add “Maybe it was “Karma”? No your last five movies was that! You think Cold Creek Manor just appeared out of thin air? You wait bitch. Keep saying my name and you’ll be in a movie getting second billing to the fat kid from Goonies…and he’s not even fat anymore so no one will really care if you’re in the film! They’ll just want to see how much weight the fat kid lost…bitch.”

2008-04-25T13:07:00.001-07:00

Blade IV: Don't Drop The Soap, Snipes Gets 3 Years For Tax Evasion

Uh, no...one more finger Wes.

Hours before he was to be sentenced last Thursday for failing to file income taxes, Wesley Snipes cut the federal government three checks for $5 million and delivered them in court, according to reports. It meant about as much to the courts as a new Janet Jackson album means to anyone with taste in music because the IRS took the money and sentenced the star of Passenger 57 , White Men Can't Jump and the Blade series to 3 years in jail.

Snipes' $15 million payment took prosecutors by surprise. They initially declined to accept the cash, then had changed their mind by day's end. "I find it ironic and insulting that these Hollywood types think they can buy their way out of jail time." said a still stunned agent. "And this guy's black to boot. "Hello", you're rich but you're still a black guy right? This isn't being recorded is it?"

Reading from a prepared apology, Snipes told the court that he made "costly mistakes" like his last 5 direct-to-video films. And that he was the victim of crooked advisers, a liability of wealth and celebrity that attracts "wolves, jackals and "chicks that would never f-ck me if was a regular schmoe like you guys." His lawyer then asked if he was going to "real" jail or "Paris Hilton" jail.

2008-04-24T12:19:00.000-07:00

No Rice For You! Well...sorta

Coming to a museum near you: RICE!

Worldwide fears of food shortages have forced wholesale warehouse chains like Sam's Club and Costco as well as Walmart to clamp down on the sale of rice at many of their U.S. locations. Starting today, customers are only allowed to purchase four 20lb bags of rice per store visit. When news that only 80lbs of rice was available per customer it sent shockwaves of fear through consumers countrywide. "It's just me and two cats." said Amy Humbucker of Topeka, Kansas. "What the hell do I do with 80 lbs of rice from one weekly visit? We may not make it. We are truly at the end of days!"

"I swear to Jesus Christ, I will blast a fool!"

If the shortage does hit, mass hysteria is becoming a growing concern for rice farmers everywhere. Fears of panicked consumers possibly rioting and looting for food has sounded an alarm. Legendary long-grain baron and owner of the largest rice-producing facilities in the country Uncle Ben, said he expects the worst but doesn't fear it as he has been stock piling firearms at his plants for the last ten years. "Lord knows I been waitin' for this day." said the ageless symbol of rice consumption. "Bastards had me picking this crap for free once. Now I run this! You want rice, it goes through my hands first! He then angrily proclaimed "King Kong ain't got shit on me! I will blast a fool if he tries to take my rice without paying for it!"

Keke Ndudi (left): All smiles moments before we told him of our nation's plight which lead to threats of violence.

Jebus foreign correspondant Artie Knigge, brought word of our dilemma to a village in West Africa to gauge a response. When hit with news of this, youngster Keke Ndudi responded "Only 80lbs of rice per family per store visit? Really? And hot and cold running water and cholera is almost unheard of huh?" He then looked around quizzically and asked "When does Ashton Kutcher jump out and tell me this is a joke? I swear to god I'm probably going to kill you all. Seriously."

2008-04-24T07:23:00.000-07:00

Rocky The Bear Kills Trainer, Tells Police "Hey, I'm A F-cking Bear!"

Rocky on the set of his latest film: Babysitter Bear co-starring Dakota Fanning.

Once again it has happened. When will human beings learn that we can not trust animals? No matter how much you train them, they will always have the propensity to revert to acting like...ANIMALS! Yesterday Rocky the Bear, co-star of such films as Gladiator, The Last Samurai and most recently the Will Ferrell yukfest Semi-Pro threw his ability to control his primal urges to the wind and murdered his trainer Stephen Miller, in cold blood. As he was being led away caged and shackled he uttered: "Dude, I'm a bear! I'm a f-cking bear!"

"He wasn't seeing the money." said F. Bear

Sources say that the 5 year-old, carnivorous grizzly was going through with a daily training exercise when it seems he playfully licked Miller's face before inexplicably clamping his mighty jaws down on his neck as others looked on in horror. Onlooker Rusty Cambridge said: "I've never seen anything like that. I mean, do bears eat people? Where is that written? Oh my god." While many see it as a beast reverting back to its nature, others say that over the past few months trainer and bear have had a strained relationship at best. "He wasn't seeing any real money." said his best friend who asked to be identified only as F. Bear. "Bottom line, you're doing movies with Crowe, Tom Cruise and Will Ferrell you expect to see some serious scratch. Nothing, man. Dude was having salmon thrown at him from a f-cking bucket and still wiping his ass with leaves. He was in an Oscar nominated film for Christ's sake! You get to a point where you're like: "OK, hey where's my money man? Maybe I should rip your f-cking face off one day?" That's why me and the frog don't talk, you know?"

Rusty's dad warns paparazzi to stay away or he'll "rip their throats out."

Others close to the situation claim it was not characteristic of the lovable bear to act like...a bear. Rusty's father had this to say "We told him, stay here! Stay in the woods! His mother and I tried. Lord knows we did. You couldn't tell him anything though because he always had those bright lights in his eyes." Visibly saddened, the bear who raised him added "Once he got out there though, he had access to drugs. More booze than a college student. And the white women...always the white women. Sometimes you call his cell for days on end and a different tramp would answer all giggly and saying he was "asleep" and we'd have to call back...We love you son!"

Rusty now awaits a decision from animal authorities who are contemplating euthenizing him.

2008-04-23T12:38:00.000-07:00

"Do You Smell What Barack Is Cookin'?" No, Seriously He Said That...

Come November this WILL be settled in a cage!

When you want to get your point across to voters everywhere and appeal to their sensibilities, you know where presidential candidates go? The O’Reilly Factor? Uh...maybe if you wanted to speak to a couple million people who almost definitely will vote. Larry King Live? If you're plugging a book and can stand the smell of formaldehyde, sure. When the Republican nominee and the final two Democrats slugging it out for a spot want to reach the people who are the decision makers in this country, they take it to WWE Monday Night Raw!

WWE Diva Chesty McTits: Healthcare and gun control are on her mind.

On this week's telecast from Greenville, South Carolina Douche-publican nominee John McCain and Democratic side by side runners Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama took their case to the fans of professional wrestling via taped promos to implore them to make the right decision come November. It started with the former first lady talking about health care and how no one has ever been able to break out of her patented emasculating, "cankle-lock submission" as her husband could attest to. Next was the charismatic Obama who asked the audience if they could "Smell what Barack was cookin'?" When asked exactly what he was "cookin'" the canididate said"...uh...change?" and quickly changed the subject to his favorite ethnic stereotype wrestlers Dead Beat Daddy and Angry Suspicious Korean Grocery Store Owner. The loudest applause of the evening however went to McCain who simply said "Hey...white guy...crotch ripping she-devil...black guy? Come on America! I mean, are you f-cking serious?" He then rolled out his valet Chesty McTits who said she would be voting for McCain because he was "nice and stuff" and that she would be at the polls in her thong to drum up support.

"Jo" Fuffner says: "Election 'o8? Hell yeah, mother f-cker!"

Longtime WWE fan Jonas Fuffner who was in attendance said "I think it was a great idea for all of them to come on here and tell us fans what for. I don't really much care for the forward speaking woman 'cause she obviously don't know her place but it took alot of courage for the black guy to get up there and speak. They've had alot of trouble over the years. Shoot, my grandparents even had a few...black guys that is. Not so much trouble 'cause we ain't never left South Carolina." When the tape was viewed by a political pundit in the know, he responded "A black man and a woman on a show that's inherrantly racist and sexist being broadcast from the south? Wow...um...this is real huh? ...wow."

2008-04-11T09:51:00.001-07:00

Baby's First...Gang Initiation

Joseph Manzanares: Hopes to be there for his childs first "Break yo' self fool!"

When we have children sometimes we watch them when they sleep and wonder: "Will my kid be a surgeon? An athelete? What college is he or she going to?" Well Joseph Manzanares is a man of perspective and has no time for menial stuff like higher education. On Tuesday he was arrested in Commerece City, Colrado for showing up at the job of his child's mother to fight about WHICH GANG THEIR 4 YEAR-OLD SHOULD BELONG TO. Manzanares belongs to the Hispanic gang the West Side Ballers while the child's mother who is black, is a Crip. The incident shines a light on the latest plight facing Americans: Bi-gangsta children.

"We are seeing more of this everyday and it is having an effect on our youth gang culture in this country." said a social worker on the grounds of anonymity. "We have these bi-gangsta kids in our schools and it's very tough on them. They call them "Blips"(half Blood and half Crip) and they are constantly confused and berated by therir peers. Poor bastards walk around in red bandanas and blue flannel shirts and are constantly getting shot at by their own family members...they have no identity...other than ya know, being affiliated with murderers, rapists and drug dealers. It's sad." Commerce City Police Sgt. Joe Sandoval had a different more understanding take on the whole matter. After speaking with the childs' mother who was not identified, he said "They have different ideas on how the baby should be raised. Basically, she said they cannot agree on which gang the baby would claim,'" He then said "The Crips are more of a shooting gang and the Ballers are into the stabbing thing. I mean call it cultural or whatever but that's what happens when you don't stay with your own kind."

Shortly after the interview Sandoval was branded a "gangist" for his seperatist remarks and asked to resign from the force before "his ass gets capped" by a joint coaliton of gang members that was "advised" by a man who gave his name as Not Al Sharpton.

Whompin': A Pictorial

2008-04-10T13:04:00.001-07:00

2008-04-10T11:26:00.001-07:00

Older People Rejoice As "Whompin' Hippies" Makes A Comeback

If you had a job, you'd be watching it on TV and not experiencing it.

For centuries, the Olympic Games have been seen as a way for the world to come together by means of friendly athletic competition. Now they can also be credited for instilling feelings of nostalgia in our own country’s older generation. With the widespread protests of the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games, it seems throttling hippies has once again become chic.

(Left) A young Clavis Frome (right) An antique "attitude adjuster"

“It hasn’t been this good since the WTO protests a few years back!” exclaimed retired Seattle police officer, Clavis Frome, 72. “These kids are all “Free Tibet” and stuff and bothering those nice Orientals from China. Who can whip up fried rice better than these guys? I mean the Chinese give us something. What have we ever gotten to eat or use from Tibet? The Dalai Lama isn’t edible, is he?” He then added “Could I find Tibet on a map? No. I don’t even know why they’re fighting but I know youngsters are opening their mouths to people much more powerful than they are and they’re getting what’s coming to them! Makes me proud!” 84 year-old Florence Saperstein now residing in Florida noted “Watching this really reminds me of Haight Ashbury!”(A haven for the unclean in the late 60’s) She also stated “ I remember tossing hot water on them with my parents. They were always down on one knee with one hand up saying things like “Peace man!” and “Stop hitting me, I can’t see out of that eye man!” Well, stop making signs, take a bath and work for a living and I bet that vision problem would clear itself right up now, wouldn’t it?”

A "peaceful" demonstrator tries to "educate" a paraplegic.

The craze has also taken over nursing homes countrywide with some establishments reporting a spike in interest at evening news telecasts with any segments on the Games. Professor Mike Turilli of T.I.C.H. (The Institute for the Concussing of Hippies), explained recent surge was caused by an overall renewed sense of “not giving a shit about other people.” “The late 60’s and early 70’s were a golden era for beating on the unkempt and uppity, but then hard times hit in the late 70’s with the oil crisis. Combine that with all the early 80’s Sally Struthers commercials and that damn “We Are The World” video, and all of a sudden people tried to be “compassionate” or “caring” and refrained from putting in work on some transient skull.” The scholar then pointed to an increase in emergency room visits for head trauma in cities such as San Francisco and Seattle in 1995 as the start of the resurgence. “After getting comfortable and complacent over a few years, kids thought they could whine for the less fortunate like Cobain and not bathe while sipping lattes and working on their laptops. They were wrong. Their parents and people that age remembered the beatings that put them in line and started to do the same to their offspring. This older generation could turn off Nirvana and Pearl Jam but there’s only one way to shut hippies up and this is how we have arrived where we are at today!”

2008-04-07T07:32:00.000-07:00

Heston Dead At 84, "Damn Dirty Apes" Indifferent

"They can have my gun when they pry it from my...oh crap!"

There were mixed emotions throught the ape community as the news of legendary actor Charlton Heston's death spread. The film icon and staunch opponent of “Damn Dirty Apes” everywhere was suffering from the latter stages of Alzheimer’s disease and passed away peacefully at his Beverly Hills home at the age of 84.

Victims of Heston's "Anti-Ape Agenda" or one note characters?

For years, hundreds of simians have blamed their lack of quality movie roles on the tireless campaigning of the star of films like The Ten Commandments, Ben-Hur and Soylent Green. “Nobody wishes anyone dead but Jesus man, I been saying “Grape Ape” for over thirty years!” said the eponymous, former star of The Great Grape Ape Show. “I can do more than that but every time I go out for something they say "Uh, we’re not going with real monkeys." and I knew it was because Chuck got wind of the audition and shut it down. Has anyone seen Magilla lately? Guy was walking up to car windows on Sunset. I didn't even want to know what he was doing but I hear for the right price, anything goes. It was that bad...guy's a mess now. A f--king mess!" The aforementioned Magilla Gorilla refused an interview but did say he blamed his misfortune squarely on Hollywood's compliance with the actor's "anti-ape agenda".

Zaius argues Heston "hated apes" only when he thought people were watching.

“He was a hellacious debater but a bit of a hypocrite” said Beatle hair cut having, longtime adversary Dr. Zaius. “He claims he didn’t like apes but it never stopped him from getting all the ape tail he could…and we don’t even have tails…I was saying “tail”…ya know metaphorically?” The conservative firebrand was very vocal in his dislike of primates. Many believe it stems from an incident on the set of Beneath the Planet of the Apes in which several drunken, gorilla suited cast members held him down and hurled taunts at him like “Your lunch was made of people…people!” while doing unspeakable things. The actor, who broke free by gouging out one of his assailants eyes while rending another’s testicles from his body with his teeth, stated at the time “I saw apes that day and I hated them. I’ll hate them for the rest of my life.” He never did another Planet of the Apes film and Heston, a man who opposed the Vietnam War and supported Lyndon Johnson’s gun control act, joined the NRA.

2008-04-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

Readin', Writin' And Rippin' Your Damn Guts Open

Kevin "Kevie" Henkins 8, alleged ringleader of the Waycross 9

Long gone are the days of firing wadded up toilet tissue at the back of your teachers head. Thanks to a newfound dedication to organization and guerilla tactics, a gang of precocious Georgia 4th graders were rounded up for conspiracy to handcuff, duct tape and stab a teacher for reprimanding one of them for standing on a chair. The sociopaths-in-training range in ages from 8-10.

World renowned "bully", Butch (left) wonders "when did kids start getting so mean?"

The plot was uncovered by another student who overheard the 9 children plotting over a Capri Sun fueled, playground session. "They got all mean and stuff and one kid was like "I'ma cut this bitch" and another kid was like "No way!" but then the kid was like "Yes way!" and he was all like "triple dog dare me" and someone did. Can't go back on a triple dog dare." said a little girl on the grounds of anonymity. Legendary, schoolyard bully and motivational speaker Butch, from The Little Rascals said he was saddened by the whole incident stating "That's not how it was done in my day, ya know? Put a frog in a kids pants or some fireworks and then use a magnifying glass but this...oh Jesus...they would have put me at the bottom of a lake...and what would they have done to Stymie?" the elderly antagonist broke down and asked that the interview be stopped.

Waycross, GA police have also confiscated the Toyco Lil' Psycho Bag O' Death, a product containing many of the implements of destruction the youths needed to carry out the payback intended for the "meanie pants" as one of the suspects referred to the teacher. Toyco reps have released the following statement: "We here at Toyco DO NOT condone the use of the Bag O' Death or any of our Lil' Psycho products for anything other than fun and practice. Jesus, Play-Doh has a shitty little hamburger maker that they put out but you don't see kids actually eating the stuff, do you? And if you did, then that kid is pretty damn stupid because it's clay and clay hamburgers taste like shit. I mean, come on!"

Lil' Psycho Bag O' Death: For ages 5 & Up

All students have been suspended for various lengths of time, depending on the severity of their involvement. All will be required to attend anger management classes. Actual criminal charges are pending because...well, it's Georgia.

2008-03-26T09:24:00.000-07:00

Chef “Beef” Turns Serious

"Bullets...disappear into me!"

Top that 50 Cent! Famed Cajun Chef Paul Prudhomme doesn’t just throw down in the kitchen, he also ain’t no punk when it comes to gettin’ capped. The superstar chef was shot on Tuesday and wasn’t even sure about it until he found a bullet on the floor much later on. “Honestly I thought, it was just the “big one” coming and I started holdin' my left arm and thinking about all the good shit I’d never get to eat again.”said Prudhomme. “I just kinda told my friends to bring stuff over and fire it down my throat before the ol’ esophagus seized up.” Many fear this is retribution from the Food Network after Prudhomme decided to host his Chef Paul Prudhomme's Always Cooking! on PBS rather than the home of such cholesterol pimps like Bobby Flay and Emeril Lagasse.

What's cookin? A drive-by, bitches!

According to a local Lousiana news report, Prudhomme was cooking at a golf course in Louisiana when he felt something hit his arm. He then noticed a .22 caliber bullet fall from his sleeve. He then rolled up his shirt to check for more wounds and a six inch bolt, a half eaten package of Ho-Ho's and Haley Joel Osment fell from a fold. "I'm an O.G. and little bullets don't faze me, dawg!" said a suddenly fired up Prudhomme. "Paula Deen and the Food Network had something to do with this! Nobody wants her ol' nasty red beans and rice recipe! This is what it's about, isn't it Paula? And Rachael Ray, that gravely voiced, hack! Drink some more of that piss water coffee you're peddling, ya stank ass ho!"

Police had originally classified the incident as a shooting, but then deemed it a simple complaint. They say a .22 caliber bullet can travel almost two miles, so they may never know who fired the shot. Hopefully all parties involved will learn a lesson from 'Pac and Biggie.

2008-03-25T14:46:00.000-07:00

Popeye’s Chicken Founder Dead At 64, Bluto Held For Questioning

Left to right: Copeland and "Bluto/Brutus"

Al Copeland, who became rich selling spicy fried chicken and notorious for his flamboyant lifestyle, died Sunday at a clinic near Munich, Germany. He was 64.

Ironically, the founder of the Popeyes Famous Fried Chicken & Biscuits chain had been diagnosed shortly before Thanksgiving with a malignant salivary gland tumor. His death was announced by his spokeswoman, Kit Wohl.

Although no foul play was suspected in Copeland’s death, his attending nurse, a Mr. Bluto was arrested immediately following the announcement. After a violent struggle that saw several German policeman fall victim to vicious uppercuts that sent them flying several stories skyward, he was subdued with one punch by an officer who had the wherewithal to carry a can of spinach. “Mr. Bluto or “Brutus” as he has sometimes been called is not guilty of anything at this time.” said a police official. “We simply wanted to ask him about the name changes. Is it Bluto or Brutus? Is he a sailor or just some slovenly guy with a penchant for punching the speaking impaired? And why work for this guy, of all people?”

"Bluto" and "friend" Popeye before their ugly falling out.

Although the U.S. Navy claims to have no record of service for him, “Bluto” allegedly got his start in 1932 as a buddy of restaurant namesake and fellow sailor, Popeye. He soon grew tired of his second fiddle status and after failing to move up in rank, for the next 50 years took to punching the lovable sailor and kidnapping his girlfriend, whenever the opportunity arose. Some sources fear that it was a revenge plot hatched by the disgruntled seaman after the failure of his Bluto's Famous Bratwurst & Waffle stands. The last of which was swallowed up by Copeland's booming chicken business in 1982, forcing him into destitution for the better part of two decades. It wasn't until late 2007 when Copeland, the man who ground his dreams to dust, hired him as a home attendant. "He was jusk getting back on his feets." said Popeye. "I hope to god, he didn't have a hand in this...a-skiddly-diddly-do-bop-a-be bop-da-bo!"

2008-03-19T08:35:00.001-07:00

Bear Stearns Workers Get Back To Bu$ine$$

"Kip" Wellington told us: "Dude come on, I have kids."

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.-Dr. Martin Luther King

In the wake of the near-apocalyptic Bear Stearns collapse, the spirit of Dr. King's phrase rings true for hundreds of current and former employees. After watching their stock fall 47% in one day and a buyout by JPMorgan Chase that was equal to the amount of $2/a share, the survivors among the rubble of the fallen financial giant are finding new and innovative ways to get back on their feet.

Jeff "Kip" Wellington 38, has bounced back from the loss of his $175K per year job(+ bonuses) in a matter of days. Moving into the fast paced, high stakes field of "free lance automotive glass stewards", the wily market veteran has already turned a profit and sees no end to his earning possibilities. "You know, the first day you feel sorry for yourself and you start pondering suicide." said the former numbers wiz. "Then you remember that Porsche isn't gonna pay for itself, alimony has no conscience and your kids braces ain't cheap! You get that first quarter and you think spend, spend, spend. Not me! This goes right into a mutual fund I'm building right here in this old mayonaise jar...I'm lying...it's all a lie."

An employee takes his turn during the new "Lunchtime Fund Raiser"

Other employees are trying to deal with the "cutbacks" imposed upon them by the gutting of their livelihood. AVP Fred Hernandez, noted that while their trappings aren't what they once were, they take solace in the fact that they are still gainfully employed. Alfonse LeRon Jefferson, the first African-American CFO at the company, showed us the new and improved breakroom now equipped with "sleeping quarters" so weary traders can rest after a stress flled afternoon on the floor. "We're down but not out!" exclaimed Jefferson. "People slap my cup away and tell me to get off drugs or whatever. I just laugh and think about the two houses I used to have and snorting coke out of the cleavage of a Brazilian escort and I know I'll be doing that again because of the country I live in. Opportunities, man. Nothing but opportunities."

"Kip", Fred, Alfonse, you're an inspiration to us all.

CFO Alfonse LeRon Jefferson shows us the newly added sleeping quarters at Bear Stearns.

2008-03-18T17:22:00.000-07:00

She Mugged You! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

"I wanna hold your cash."

Yesterday, Honorable Justice Mr. Bennet awarded Heather Mills a $48.7M divorce settlement making it the 6th largest in marriage shakedown history. Her four year marriage to ex-Beatle, Paul McCartney came to a bitter end in 2006 after a tumultuous start and the "pure evil" (as Mills puts it) of Stella McCartney. The judge came to this verdict after Mills initially turned down $50M from her ex in hopes of bagging more of the $1.6B she claimed he was worth.

One of these old ladies ROCK!...and one just got divorced.

McCartney expressed sadness at the end of his relationship. Citing what he thought as a trend of women being sexually attracted to men who resemble Angela Lansbury that are 25-30 years older than them, he confessed that he thought the union would last forever. He also displayed genuine surprise when informed that liver spots aren't and never have been sexy.

2008-03-13T08:12:00.000-07:00

Jebus Jabber: The David Paterson Interview

"You dropped the ball, Captain Clean! Ha ha!"

Among the rubble of the Eliot Spitzer campaign there seems to be a flower of a carreer blooming. Liuetenant Governor David Paterson, was sworn in today as governor-designate for the state of New York amid the frenzied hoopla of the still reeling, Spitzer administration. Help Me Jebus! was there at this historic event and the freshly minted governor sat down with us for a quick Q&A:

"What...is she making a face again?"

Help Me Jebus: Do you see yourself as having the same ideals as Spitzer or someone that can turn Albany in a new direction?

David Paterson: I can't see anything.

HMJ: What do you see happening to former governor Spitzer?

DP: Uh...nothing?

HMJ: Would you ever get into such a predicament?

DP: Nah, can't see that happening?

HMJ: What do you think of "Kristen"?

DP: I can't see what all the fuss is about. I really can't see it.

HMJ: Likes and dislikes?

DP: I like feeling like I can make a change up here in Albany. Dislikes? When my co-workers hide stuff. Not funny at all. My sense of hearing is superhuman. I can hear them giggling under their breaths. News Flash: I can hear an ant scream when it's crushed a block away, ya douchebags!

HMJ: Do you look forward to any gubernatorial perks?

DP: Perks? My driver gets the best spot already! Do you see the plates on that baby parked outside? That little blue guy in the chair has more juice than Oprah in a room full of mid-western housewives.

HMJ: Finally, how does it feel to be New York's first black Governor?

DP: I'm WHAT!?!

2008-03-13T07:52:00.000-07:00

Oklahoma State Rep Sally Kern: "Gays Just As Dangerous As Terrorists!"

"Lesbian? No, why does everybody keep asking me that?"

Her resemblance to stereotypical lesbian, high school gym teachers be damned Sally Kern says "Gays are bad!" and that lifestyle is destroying America. The Oklahoma State representative quoting an anonymous "study" said that "No society that has completely embraced homosexuality, has lasted more than...you know...a few decades." Pointing out what she believes to be a trend of "indoctrination", the representative claims "the gays" are going on a recruting drive that would make the U.S. Army blush. Also pointing out that the mighty bastion of American politics, the Eureeka Springs city council has been infiltrated and is now controlled by "the gays".

Kern expressed concern that groups of homosexuals will eventually lock arms with each other and hurl themselves toward sky scrapers, causing more devastation than a fiendish Al Qaeda plot ever did. She then went on to say that gays:

have shorter life expectancies

have a higher rate of suicide

tend to dress better

get all the good talk shows on TV

Kern's live in "friend" Chris

Her comments have set off a firestorm of controversey but her "friend" Chris says that Kern "Only wants what's best for America" and that if people took the time to listen, she had said "alot of stuff about blacks and muslims because they're gross too and could you imagine if they were all gay 'n stuff? Jesus."

Jebus...

2008-03-12T12:22:00.000-07:00

Ol' Dirty Spitzer Says: Ooh Baby, I Like It Raw

Left to right: Plain Ol' Dirty & Ol' Dirty

Word out of Albany NY is not only did Eliot Spitzer run up an $80,000 tab on "ho business", but he was also down with the ODB and shunned the use of prophylactics. Yes, the Love Gov likes to raw dog it like he's making movies with Jenna Jameson.

Kristen: "Hey, does the clap come with that shake?"

The most famous singularly named whore since Madonna, Empire Club rent-a-cooch Kristen stated that Spitzer would often ask her to "do things that you might not think were safe." (like being a WHORE?) This was implied to mean that the governor often chose to dive in without a wetsuit. Ever the negotiator and wary of her own personal health, the high priced trampoline said she handled it by saying "I'd be like, listen dude do you really want the sex?" THEN CHARGED HIM EXTRA.

When news of these allegations was brought to the attention of Senator Ted Kennedy he responded "Wow, he should have called me...or Gary Condit."

2008-03-11T13:02:00.000-07:00

Holy Spit: NY Governor is A FREAK!

"I get my balls back when we get home, right?"

NY Governor, Eliot Spitzer held an emergency press conference yesterday to announce that he was "sorry" for doing "something" to his family. He asked for time in deciding what to do next and said he would take no questions. Oh yeah...that "something" was ordering whores on tax payer money to the tune of $5,500 a pop(Ba-zing!). Client # 9 as he is referred to in seized documents has allegedly been getting fat on "ho cake" for possibly six years!

Origininally suspected of taking bribes or campaign fraud, Spitzer had been under surveillance for months by investigators. They were stunned when wiretaps and flagged bank records showed the disgraced crime fighter was spending a peculiar amount of money on QAT an alleged dummy corporation used to shield the funds of The Emperors Club, a hoochie vendor that pulled in $1million dollars in profit over four years. "It's like finding a $100 bill in a box of Cracker Jack," said a still visibly stunned investigator. "Talk about getting more than what you asked for! This shit only happens on Law & Order!"

"Dude it was like that! Virgin, my ass!"

Former President, Bill Clinton said: "It's a sad day for New York and a sad day for interns everywhere. I can't believe he paid!" Equally sullied former U.S. Representative Gary Condit, wept openly for Spitzer and uttered repeatedly "He should have called me." The Governor's stoic wife Silda Wall Spitzer, has recently filed a petition to have the "S" in her name legally changed to a "$"(dollar sign) because as she puts it, "A bitch is about to get PAID!"

Silda Wall Spitzer after visiting The Law Offices of Howie, Leavem & Broke

2008-03-10T15:48:00.000-07:00

Seven Deadly Sins: DA REMIX!

"Crack is wack! Can you dig it? Can you dig it? CAN YOU DIG IT?"

Kanye West. Diddy. Dr. Dre. The Vatican? Taking a page from the book of Kanyezee, the Catholic Church decided to take something really old (1,500 years to be exact) that no one has given much thought to in a while and remixed it fresh for the '08! Citing a need for them due to a "decreasing sense of sin in today’s securalised world”, the Pope decided to add on to the original Seven Seadly Sins to make it "hip" for the kids.

The new or "iSins" as the Chucrh wants to call them include:

"Evil genetic manipulators" or scientists involved in cloning, stem cell research, etc.

abuse of drugs "God thinks crack is wack too"

huge inequality of wealth...like lining an organizations coffers for the sake of "hush money"

Environmental callousness or "littering"...turns out Woodsy the Owl was a Prophet: Give a Hoot or YOUR SOUL WILL BURN IN HELL FOR AN ETERNITY!
and strangely asterisked and footnoted with "do as I say" in the smallest print legible: pedophila

The last thing you see before your anguished screams echo in hell.

Bishop Gianfranco Girotti, head of the Apostolic Penitentiary, the Vatican body that oversees confessions and plenary indulgences, said priests must take account of “new sins which have appeared on the horizon of humanity as a corollary of the unstoppable process of globalization”. The Catholic Church divides sins into venial, or less serious, sins and mortal sins. It holds mortal sins to be ‘grave violations of the Ten Commandments and the Beatitudes’ and holds that ‘the souls of those who die in a state of mortal sin descend into Hell’. Suprisingly, denigration of women, shaking down the poor and downtrodden for tithe, and homosexuality(or the "so-so" sin as they like to call it) were mysteriously omitted.

2008-03-05T14:13:00.000-08:00

Aw Huck It!: Mike's Done

"Weekend Update, I am so there!"

"It's been a heckuva run!" this was how Mike Huckabee summed up his futile and often amusing run for the Republican partys' presidential nomination. Huckabee said he believed that his supporters should back McCain in November. Adding that he has no "Plan B" for his political career. "Clearly, things didn't go our way tonight, and we had hoped they would," he told reporters on his plane back to Little Rock. "But when the inevitable is staring you in the face, you accept it. I leave this man my delegates but most importantly, I leave him Chuck Norris. He will continue to slap the bejesus out of anyone that opposes this party or its ideals and goals. I do so with my blessing."

So long Huck. You were one of the most lovable candidates of recent memory. You amused us like the old guy with alzheimers who crapped his pants and honestly didn't know why people were moving away from him. Hysterical.

2008-03-05T11:37:00.001-08:00

Americans Outraged As Marine Kills Puppy, Still On The Fence About Other Human Beings

A Youtube video surfaced recently depicting an American soldier allegedly hurling a dog off a cliff to his death sending shockwaves throughout the country. Animal lovers and activists and lovers were outraged by his actions and to show their displeasure, they found the soldiers name and proceeded to post his home address here. Unrepentant human oil-spill in training, Jeffrey Munro freely posted sensitive information (name and home address) of someone who may or may not have been in the video leaving the persons' family open to numerous death threats and possibly worse repurcussions down the road. "This is not a breathing, rational thinking human being with a family or anything trivial like that this man has killed," said one pooch proponent. "It was a dog! It catches frisbees and eats dinner scraps for Christs' sake. I hope his children are born with their organs on the outside." When asked how he felt about the thousands of dead American and Iraqi soldiers the man shrugged and asked what the ratio of dead Americans to Iraqi was because "God doesn't really care about the brownies."

Unfortunately, the soldier wasn't smart enough to engage in cock fighting because not only are chickens ugly, but damnit they taste good too.

2008-03-04T09:38:00.000-08:00

Disney Unearths Two Classics For DVD Release!

Rotting in the vaults for years...well, the one on the right.

Just in time for the Easter Holiday, Walt Disney unveils two timeless classics. Premiering on DVD this week is 101 Dalmatians , resurrected from the Disney vaults for the first time in a decade. Cruella de Vil and her quest for a rare and pricey dalmation coat are brought to life on this beautiful, digitally restored print of the 1961 film. Your children will delight in the restored "skinning" scene with all the yelps in tact.

However the real jewel in the crown is the second release. After over sixty-years in the bowels of Disney's vaults come its pride and joy, as Song of the South makes it's way to home video with a special Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah Slavery Is Swell Edition. The story revolves around Uncle Remus, the happiest slave on the plantation. His life and the life of his masters son Johnny, changes after he takes the boy in when he runs away from his divorcing parents. The child grows to love his friendship with the slaves, much to the chagrin of his proper mother. The movie was the first of its kind to show that no matter how bad it is for white people, a singing smiling, black guy makes everything feel alright.

"Stew tastes good huh? ...yeah, I peed in it."

As an added bonus there's a never before seen Director's cut which shows a more reflective, darker Remus who rose up against his oppressive masters but still had time to sing with animated birds. Some bonus features include songs cut from the film like "Stop Whippin' Me, Ya Bastards!", "You Mean I Can't Leave?" and "I Ain't Pickin' Shit!" (a fiery protest song sung by the character after he gets reprimanded for regaling the children with his tales of Br'er Rabbit). These were cut initially to give the film a lighter feel. Also in the bonus footage section the "foot cutting scene" (when a fellow slave gets a little too spry for his own good, his masters put him in check) and the extended and very explicit "love that dare not speak its name" scene where Johnny's mother realizes divorce might not be so bad. When asked about the racist overtones and perceived insensitivity of the film, a company flack stated "I think it's time for this film to be released," adding "I mean he sings and he smiles and...dog gone it, his voice is nice. I think people have gotten over that "thing" don't you?"

"...and tomorrow, I'll tell you where I buried him."

When first informed about the news of the releases, the Rev. Al Sharpton said he had mixed feelings about the messages being sent by a movie with black and white dogs as the stars. "You got these predominantly white dogs with little black spots on them, and that lady wants them to make a valuable coat out of them," said the civil rights leader. "I wonder how rare the coat would have been if it was a black dog with white spots? That's why I've started my own production company and our first animated picture is called 101 Pitbulls. It stars the voices of Gary Coleman, Lil' Kim and Coolio!" When asked what the plot was, the reverend confided that there really wasn't one and the film mainly consisted of the title characters attacking unsuspecting white folks. After being reminded that Song of The South was also set for release, Sharpton fainted.

Come for the cute dogs, stay for the good old fashioned racism.

Thanks Disney!

2008-02-28T09:37:00.001-08:00

Let's Play A Game!

PopQuiz: Which one of these periodicals was once a right-leaning, albeit respectable newspaper but now hopes to corner the sleazy, Cheez Whiz sucking, celebrity obsessed stay at home mom market by proclaiming itself as #1 for gossip.

Go ahead, I'll wait...

2008-02-27T12:40:00.000-08:00

Snake Acts Like...A SNAKE, Eats Family Dog!

"Oh snap! Dude get that camera out my face, seriously!"

Recently there was a stark reminder of just how uncivilized and animal-like an animal can be . An Australian family claims it was "shocked and horrified" that a 16-foot scrub python ate the family dog. What makes the story even more heartbreaking and shows that snakes are the Devils messenger, is the fact that the family claimed they saw it "stalk" their dog a week earlier. "The family that owned the dog had actually seen it in the dog's bed, which was a sign it was out to get it," said Stuart Douglas, owner of the Australian Venom Zoo. "They should have called me then." The shocking discovery was made by two children aged 5 and 7 who cheerd the carnage but lamented the clean-up. "Its legs were doing the funny kick like on the cartoons when someone gets dropped on their skull!" said Timmy, the 7 year old. 5 year old Lisa sat motionless throughout the interview clutching a dog collar and blnking like a laid off postal worker.

The snake was captured and taken to the Zoo to digest the dog before being released in the wild. Help Me Jebus! has obtained an interview with incarcerated reptile:

Help Me Jebus: So, do you realize what you've done? Have you seen the pictures?

Snake: Where'd you get those?

HMJ: They were taken by the zoo. Do you deny this is you?

S: I'm not sayin' nothin'. No, you know what?: There's a tiger in San Diego that's dead! She's dead because you guys threw shit at her and was surprised she wanted to eat people and you shot her like a black guy who doesn't identify himself in a timely manner to police! Even though natives of her homeland keep their distance because she EATS PEOPLE! You're a fascist, man! A f--king fascist!

Tatiana The Tiger: A fallen comrade...ha ha, dumb tiger!

HMJ: Do you see the pain and emotional damage you've caused to this family?

S: Damage? I waited in that things bed a week ago and these people did nothing! They saw me laying there like: "Hello, I'm a snake! I'd like to eat your f--king dog!" Poke me with a stick? Crush my head with a rock? Nothing!

The hardened belly crawler then broke down and wept uncontrollably.

S: Come on dude...I got problems, man! Problems!. My whole life, man...my ancestors in the Bible...they said we're responsible for the downfall of humanity. Humanity man! Then my cousins who eat mice and also kill people, they get GEICO commercials. They dance around with Naomi Campbell...I want to help people with affordable insurance rates! I wanna dance with black chicks. I can do that. You people just don't know. You f--kin' people!

2008-02-26T11:37:00.000-08:00

HMJ Exclusive!: The REAL Obama Pic He Doesn't Want You To See!

"Who you votin' for?"

Just when you thought Turban-Gate would be the biggest thing to to hit the Obama campaign, HMJ has obtained a picture that may be the knock-out blow to his presidential run. In an e-mail received from a Jebus confidant known only by the address HCForPrez_08@hotmail.com, a stunning picture of the White House hopeful engaging in questionable behavior was attached.

The "other" picture now seems tame compared to the Jebus Exclusive photo.

"I thought him running around in his terrorist threads was pretty damn foul," said staffer Artie Abramson "but this...I mean the guy's clearly choking white girls. Is that what he does when he's not hangin' with Oprah?" Many political pundits in the know believe the photo is symbolic of the former Illinois governors' true intentions towards Hillary Clinton. "I'm not surprised," said Clinton "I warned everyone about how he looked at me during the debates. I want to remind all southerners especially, Watch how he leers at me during debates! Mandingo wasn't just a movie but a cautionary tale!" When given news of the latest photo, Senator John McCain said "Dude, wow! You guys know I'm running for president too, right?"

We're so scared for her.

All calls to Obama campaign headquarters by us were met with laughter and a dial tone but we will not stop.

What are you afraid of Obama, they won't elect a white girl choker to the office of President of The United States?

Your opponent happens to be white and you may want to...you know...choke her?

We here at Help Me Jebus are waiting, you white girl choking monster.

No seriously dude, we're waiting.

2008-02-22T11:14:00.000-08:00

Yeah, But I'm Still Alive...Today

This week New York Magazine premiered a stunning tribute to legendary drug-addled trampoline Marilyn Monroe by having not so-legendary, drug addled receptacle Lindsay Lohan mimic her "Last Sitting" photo spread from 46 years earlier. Original photographer Bert Stern shot Lohan in various stages of dress and undress for his pictorial that accompanies a recent Li-Lo interview. The stunning photos were shot in black and white and color and are viewed as an attempt to resucitate the 21 year-old's floundering, post-I Know Who Killed Me carreer.

Some excerpts form the interview:

When asked about Heath Ledger's and Monroe's untimely deaths: “They are both prime examples of what this industry can do to someone… I don’t know. I’m not them. But I sure as hell wouldn’t let it happen to me. I'll probably be driven mad by syphilis but drugs...Vicodin are like Skittles to me.”

Regarding nudity: You know how many cell phone cameras in Hollywood have pics of my junk? Are you serious? Tasteful nudity? Oh you mean with nothing in my mouth? Oh, that's cool too."

On Monroe herself: “Here is a woman who is giving herself to the public. She’s saying, ‘Look, you’ve taken a lot from me, so why don’t I give it to you myself?’ She’s taking control back. I can't believe she blew out her o-ring on the casting couch though. Did you hear about that? Totally had no elasticity...that's so gross!"

"I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically. For him to call Lindsay 46 years later and to say can you recreate these photos is an honor." beamed a proud Dina Lohan. She then added "Look at her cans, they're gorgeous! They're heavenly! The amount of product anyone of her boyfriends and myself have snorted off of them...I couldn't begin to tell you. The world should be so lucky to see them...again." Lohan went on to say her daughter was a huge Marilyn Monroe fan even though the star was long dead by the time she started to live vicariously through her child via her Disney money.

"Drink alot of Red Bull tonight...yeah dude...both of us!"

2008-02-19T10:35:00.000-08:00

End Of An Error? Castro Steps Down...Kinda

"Change my diaper with cold hands and you get this!"

“It would be a betrayal to my conscience to accept a responsibility requiring more mobility and dedication than I am physically able to offer,” with those words a 50 year reign of tyranny came to an end...sorta. Fidel Castro stepped down today as president of Cuba "relinquishing his power" to his brother Raúl which is like deciding you'd rather be stabbed to death slowly than be put in front of a firing squad. The younger Castro has been in power since the summer of 2006 when the elderly death dealer took ill.

The news was met with mixed results. While most Cubans rejoiced at the fact the hated leader would be taking a lesser role in their homelands government, they also realized that the entire regime would have to be nuked to sub-atomic particles in order for them to enjoy simple pleasures like reading a book of their own choosing or the ability to travel. "I guess it's cool, " said Gustavo Mendoza through a translator. Also adding "It's very similar to having a bowl of vomit on one side in front of you and a bowl of feces on the other. You have to eat one or else you'll get shot in the head, right?...Right?" He then became inconsolable as he tore off his shirt and dropped to his knees with his palms upturned as he wailed like the mother of a shot gang banger.

Mourned by his brothers-in-arms.

Revered by his peers, news of the geriatric, genocidal maniac's resignation had a sombering effect throughout the world of evil. Emperor Palpatine said via-satellite "Not good. Not good at all. When I met young Castro he was unfamiliar with the darkside. It wasn't until he choked a family of four with his mind at the age of 16 just because their oldest daughter was unattractive that he realized that this bad guy shit was gonna be fun. Sad. Very sad." The all powerful Eternal Ruler Of Hell, Satan was shocked when we told him the news as he strolled the streets of Miami. "Aw no...dude...are you shittin' me?" Then through tear-filled eyes he related these feelings to us: "Sometimes when those people would plan their esacpes, me and F-Bomb (his pet name for the dictator) would watch as they prepared their make shift boats from pieces of wood and card board. Then we would just laugh as their poorly made life boats would disintergrate and they screamed in agony as the sharks tore the flesh from their bodies . I said "It doesn't get any better than this!" and he put his arm around me and said: "No my friend, it doesn't!" and we just fired back enough Coronas to put a frat boy in intensive care and laughed til we cried. Oh god, I feel sick." The devil then abruptly ended the interview and wept uncontrollably for a full 15 minutes.

Sad indeed.

2008-02-17T04:59:00.000-08:00

Chelsea Crushes Kid Reporter

"Look at them, frightened...each and every one of them!"

David Shuster's mouth has seemingly written a check his behind can't cash and now the rest of the news media is paying for it. In the wake of Pimp-Gate in which the news correspondent commented how her mothers campaign "pimped her out", Chelsea Clinton and the rest of the Hillary '08 campaign ain't takin' no guff from anyone! The first step was the "indefinite suspension" of Shuster (now to be lifted on February 22nd). Next she issued a decree that her child was "off-limits" to the media in any age bracket during her campaign as "kid reporter" Sydney Rieckhoff quickly found out.

Recently in Iowa Rieckhoff a budding reporter for journalism powerhouse Scholastic News , pursued Chelsea to ask her some hard hitting questions. After fighting her way through the sweaty throngs of reporters, the fourth grader hit the former first daughter with a barrage of questions. After the customary "What's your favorite color?" and "How does your mother's healthcare program differ from others?", the Nancy Grace-in-training went for the jugular with "Do you think your dad would be a good "first man" in the White House?" The first spawn responded "I'm sorry, I don't talk to the press and that applies to you. Even though I think you're cute." What happened next is really sketchy as some say the child was maced and put in an armbar by burly Secret Service men while others say demons shot forth from her mouth knocking the child to the floor as they rested the tape recorder from her fragile hands.

A consumate professional, Rieckhoff handled the ordeal stoicly.

"I threw up and pee-peed. Something with wings and bad breath grabbed me...I was so scared" said the stunned elementary schooler. She then added "My dad, said it was her mommy's fault that Vince Foster is dead. Maybe it's good I didn't get to ask her if it was true? I want ice cream." While admitting no wrongdoing, Hillary Clinton did acknowledge the incident. "What is she, nine? Ten? She'll be OK. The snot running from her nose...the quivering lips, I loved it. She's broken now. " The child is said to be on temporary leave for "mental health" issues according to Scholastic News.

2008-02-15T13:24:00.000-08:00

Illiterate Man Was Teacher For 17 Years!

Shhh...it's upside down.

Palo Verde High School in California and Texas Western University in El Paso probably don't want you to read this. It's OK though because a man that both institutes issued diplomas to couldn't either. John Corcoran claims that not only did he get through both institutes without the ability to read but he earned a bachelor's degree in education and then went on to teach high school for 17 years!

"As a teacher it really made me sick to think that I was a teacher who couldn't read. It is embarrassing for me, and it's embarrassing for this nation and it's embarrassing for schools that we're failing to teach our children how to read, write and spell!"said the former educator. "Then I thought , screw it the money's good. I'll have these bastards driving into oncoming traffic if I can. Little having the ability to read bastards!" Corcoran said that not only did he teach for all those years but was granted a leave of absence to become a successful real estate developer. Corcoran said that he got by for years on oral lessons only and help from teachers aides. Former students Jim-Billy and Joe Jenkins claim they were none the wiser to their former teachers deception. "If you were to ask us if teacher was an intelligent man, we's been inclined to say yes. As far as readin' words and such I would say yes to that as well."said Jim-Billy with Joe adding, "If you was to ask us if we was brothers or kinda like a father and son deal then we's inclined to say yes to that too."

Jim-Billy and Joe Jenkins never suspected a thing.

"Now that there Corcoran may have been a lyin cheat but how's we supposed ta know?" exclaimed Jack Bob Willems, dean of admissions at TWU. "Do you guys think that Rachel Ray and the Emeril fella really cook all that stuff on TV? You eat it though don'tcha? Sanctimonious sons of bitches." The now functionally literate man seeks to help people as he is now a literacy advocate who's Corcoran Foundation helps thousands of people learn to read through grants, special literacy programs and tutoring for all ages. He is also a highly sought after public speaker who has given lectures across the country and in Canada. "Bill Gates flunked out of college and he's a billionaire but until I was 48, I would have eaten it in a 5th grade spelling bee and I'm rich now too. Top that Gates!" laughed Corcoran as he fanned himself with one hundred dollar bills.

The Chairman Of The Corcoran Foundation

2008-02-14T11:36:00.000-08:00

"I Got Your Back, Dawg!", Romney Endorses McCain

"Now we gotta get rid of the cankle-y chick and the black guy!"

Citing that he is doing it "in the interests of healing", Mitt Romney has pledged to endorse Senator John McCain for the GOP presidential nomination. "I am honored today to give my full support to Sen. McCain's candidacy for the presidency of the United States," said Romney adding, "This is a man capable of leading our country in this dangerous hour. Not just against terrorists or uppity colored people who think they can run a country but also Mike Huckabee. Threatening to slap me? He's out of his f--king mind!"

According to sources in both the Romney and McCain camps, it was a Romney campaign advisor that suggested a union with McCain. It was done in hopes that the former Massachusetts governor would sway his delegates to rally behind McCain's candidacy. A Republican analyst in the know stated "Look, we know he's not the best we have but that sack of Geritol is all that stands in the way of womens pantsuits in the oval office or Flo-Rida singing at the inauguration. I mean...Jesus."

Romney had collected 286 delegates before he suspended his campaign two weeks ago. Those delegates would give McCain 1,113 total delegates, 78 short of securing the nomination. Republicans are now worried that the longer Mike Huckabee lingers, the tougher it will be for McCain to rally support. There are "still a lot of Republicans around this country who have yet to vote, many of them who feel like their voices still ... [need] to be heard." Huckabee said. "I owe it the people who got me here. And besides me and Chuck ain't goin' nowhere! I ain't hard to find McCain! You and pompadour come see me...bitches!" Huckabee then motioned as if he were going to slap the reporter. Promptly ending the interview.

2008-02-13T15:50:00.000-08:00

Breaking News: Clemens Hires New Attorneys

Blake & Simpson "What's Evidence?"

Seeing the writing on the wall and the failure of Rusty_Hardin looming on the horizon, Roger Clemens is in talks to drop his legal team to hook up with the newly minted law firm of Blake & Simpson. The team has history of getting the hopelessly guilty inexplicably exonerated. "What is "evidence" exactly?" said Bob Blake one half of the dynamic legal duo. "I mean, a gun with prints? People seeing you leave the scene of the crime and then going back to retrieve your gun? Sweating like a priest at a Cub Scout meeting when the cops take you in for questioning? All circumstantial. This will be easy."

"I got your f--kin' retainer right here, Rusty!"

With allegedly damning testimony from "best friend" Andy Petitte and former teamate Chuck Knoblauch as well as possible DNA evidence, it looked like the Rocket would have to come clean and admit to using illegal steroids in front of a House Senate committe but not so says litigator Simpson. "DNA is kind of overrated. If your blood is on something does that mean it came from you? Flesh under your finger nails? Come on, man!This case is weak. He'll be home in time for spring training." The famous attorney then discussed how Clemens needs to look for the "real steroid abuser" and how he could possibly dedicate the rest of his life to doing so.

"I'm glad Roger has decided to go in a different direction," said Debra Clemens, the hurlers wife. "It has been a strain on the entire family. All of this unwarranted speculation mentally drains you...it wears you down." The dainty mother of four then went on to say how she is withering away to nothing and how her husband worries about her diminishing appearance every night.

Debra Clemens: Getting smaller every day.

The team is set to begin defending the Texas fire-baller immediately.

2008-02-13T14:36:00.000-08:00

We Interrupt This Fake News To Bring You...

Hi ladies and gentlemen. My name is Mike Huckabee I purchased this time on Help Me Jebus! to remind you all that I'm running for the Republican Party's nomination for the Presidency of The United States. You might be saying right now: "Who's this guy?" "Why should I listen to him?" "Doesn't he regularly finish second to John McCain?" Well you should listen to me and yes I do constantly finish second but I have alot to offer. For example:

I'm not as old as John McCain. I mean are you serious? His liver spots have liver spots. Who's gonna pay for the installation of ramps for the Rascal scooter and rails for his motorized lifting chair? You, the tax payer that's who! State of the Union Address has to be put on hold because "ol' prunes for breakfast" dropped a diaper bomb? Yuck.
Minority relations? I may not be Barack Obama but I know all about black people. Sanford and Son, What's Happening!!, The Jeffersons, Good Times you think I'm watching them on BET and TVOne in reruns? I saw them first run in the 70's when you people didn't have your UPN's and WB's. I'm old school homey!
I'm not a lesbian with a beard of a husband that chases the chubby. Dude, come on she was gross!
I know God. Not Allah or Vishnu or Golobutron or whatever the hell the Scientologists call him but G-O-D! The big guy. Do I recognize the existence of those other "religions" or their deities? No. Am I worried I offended potential voters? Not really. I don't have a weird "religion" like Romney. Where's "Mitty" now? Done. Why? God don't like weirdos.

and finally but most importantly

I know Chuck Norris and we have a plan. If I receive this party's nomination we will slap the dog mess out of anyone who opposes us. Iran? Pla-dow! Osama Bin Laden? "Uh hello. Yeah, this is Mike Huckabee you commited an act of terrorism in my country seven years ago? Yeah, ring a bell?...KA-KOW!" Five across the eye!

What you are reading right now was actually written days ago. Chuck and myself have already taken to the streets of the inner cities of America and we are slapping the bejesus out of drug dealers, pimps, muggers, Mormons and other unsavory characters. If you're doing wrong, as there is a Lord in the sky and oxygen in our lungs, Mr. Norris and myslef will slap the steaming dog mess out of you. I promise you, I will wear my hand out on the face of injustice.

Me showing exactly how I will "slap the dog mess" out of people.

Don't you want a country that doesn't live in fear of terroism? Don't you want a president with a friend who's a black belt and has a beard that makes a man piss his pants? A friend with hands like granite that will dole out slap justice like Rick James on a bender? That's not John McCain, that's me. I'm Mike Huckabee and I will slap the dog mess out of you.

Vote Huckabee.

Thank you, Help Me Jebus.

This message has been approved by Chuck Norris.

2008-02-12T07:24:00.001-08:00

Not So "Hottie"

Why pay for it when you've seen it for free? That must have been the rationale behind the publics' decision to stay away from the celluloid Hiroshima known as The Hottie and the Nottie starring Paris Hilton. Movie goers having seen her slightly more talented vagina gratis on the net, decided against paying to see a film where she is clothed and attempting to put sentences together. With an estimated $25,000 weekend take, the film made Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show: 30 Days & 30 Nights look like a Star Wars opening and that one only took in a little more than $500,000.

"I only saw half of it and I felt my womb go barren."

"I think that clip on Youtube with the two chicks fighting at school recess was seen by more people," said box office analyst Artie Manfre, adding "I just checked the site. Not only that clip but some fat kid making hand shadows has got it beat by a mile!" A momentary wave of common sense is believed to be the culprit in this opening weekend no show. A man who asked to be called "Not The Director" said "I watched a colonoscopy in film school once, it was riveting in comparison to this!" He then went on to say " I tried my best with this receptacle but whenever I said "action", she tilted her head to the side like a confused puppy and then slowly spread her legs."

The studios haven't been deterred by this showing and have optioned the celebrity protein collector for three more films. Sources say a remake of the Morgan Freeman/Dustin Hoffman germ paranoia film Outbreak, Legs Wide Open, a sequel to the Tom Cruise film and The Hottie And The Nottie 2: Not Harder are in the developmental stages as of this writing.

2008-02-11T23:48:00.000-08:00

Drug Users Are...Winners!

"Just say yes, mum! Just say YES!"

Former First Lady Nancy Reagan can chug a big glass of "shut the hell up", as her "Just Say No" anti-drug message of the 80's was rendered useless courtesy of Amy Winehouse. The perenially addled song bird stumbled off with 5 Grammy Awards and the adulation of millions, giving the slogan the relevancy of Wendy's old "Where's The Beef?" campaign. It also proved that drug dealers aren't really that bad and in fact actually provide a creative boost to the entertainment industry as the corpses of Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix, can attest to.

Winehouse who was seen smoking crack just a month ago, shocked all the naysayers as she won all the major categories except Album Of The Year which was won by Herbie Hancock whose album was heard by the voters and his immediate family. "We were shocked when her name was called all those times," said Amy's mother Janice. "I'm so proud of her for not puking and scratching herself bloody on camera." The win truly shows what you can achieve by overcoming absolutely nothing and people will accept your drug problem as long as it's combined with an ability to earn money. When speaking on his company's aborted attempt to drop her because of her "problem", Nick Gatfield, president of Island Records stated "It’s a reflection of her status [in the US] that when you flick through the TV coverage [of the Grammys] it’s her image they use." then adding "You think I was gonna take the L and dead that cash cow? You're out of your mind. Out of your f--kin' mind!"

When did this shit come out?

It wasn't all crackpipes and cotton candy for the UK warbler as her victory was met with some criticism. Former LSD, heroin and crack addict Natalie Cole stated that Winehouse's victory sent a "cake and eat it too" message to young performers even though she herself accepted a Grammy in 1975 while riding the white horse. This moment of pot meet kettle was rendered even more surreal by the fact that her young son almost drowned in her family pool while Cole and her late husband the Rev. Marvin Yancy indulged in a drug-fueled binge.

No. No. No.

2008-02-08T07:53:00.000-08:00

Bloody Syringe, Bloody Gauze...Bloody Hell, I Still Didn't Do It!

"If Two and A Half Men is a repeat again tonight, I swear to god..."

After giving sworn testimony on Capitol Hill yesterday 7-time Cy Young winner and OJ-level delusional liar, Roger Clemens was dealt another serious blow to his crusade to prove his innocence in an ongoing steroid investigation. Brian McNamee, his trainer and alleged supplier handed over used syringes, bloody gauze and other effects that could implicate him for lying about his use of performance enhancing drugs. "Roger Clemens has put himself in a position where his legacy as the greatest pitcher in baseball will depend less on his ERA and more on his DNA," said Earl Ward, a lawyer for McNamee.

The evidence allegedly comes from 2000 and 2001, the time whem McNamee says he personally injected the former Red Sox and Yankee great. "You are about to see part two of the Duke case" warned Rusty Hardin, a Clemens attorney. "Not so much with the black chick having a train run on her by priviliedged white guys and then she accuses them but they get off because she was a lying stripper whore anyway but you know...just take out the lacrosse team and put Roger in their place but he's like totally guilty but still rich and white and the lying, whore stripper is also white but...you know not nearly as rich or famous?" The attorney went on to suggest that this is helpful to their case as it shows McNamee to be determined to "ruin a guy that people will always like more than him because he's rich and it's really sad."

In a related story, Clemens family dog Cocoa, a teacup chihuahua was disqualified from a local dog show for being "overweight" for her division. "When does the persecution of my family end?" the baeseball great lamented. "Just look at her, she's the sweetest two year-old you've ever seen. I remember when I brought her home she fit in the palm of my hand. She's still so tiny. I'm gonna find who runs that show and rip their god damned liver and kindeys out. Cook them and feed it to them. Let them crap it out and make them eat it again." Clemens then shouted obscenities at a busload of handicapped children before boarding the bus and punching each child while handing them an autographed baseball.

Cocoa Clemens, such a cutie.

2008-02-07T15:10:00.000-08:00

Can't Take No Mormon: Romney Done!

Citing his reasons as being best for "our party and our country", Mitt "Big Love" Romney pulled the plug on a losing campaign. A wise decision considering the cost of running it was nearing the price tag of the latest Spider-Man sequel. The walls slowly closed in on him after a stunning loss to a Chuck Norris assisted Mike Huckabee at the Iowa Caucus. From then on his mormoness was repeatedly ridiculed by the Holy Huckster and it led to several very nasty and personal exchanges on the campaign trail. Finally, Senator John McCain sealed his pompadoured fate when he came from behind steadily to overtake both God groupies and scoop Super Tuesday.

The former Massachusetts governor said dropping out was necessary because he feared any prolonged campaigning would "make it easier" for Senator Clinton or Obama to win. "In this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror. This is not an easy decision. I hate to lose," he said. He also noted how he was waiting for more "jive talk" from the Illinois senator and how he had heard rumors on how the former first lady actually stands at a urinal and has a deeper voice than most women he has met.

"We'll kill ya Mitt! Both of us...we'll f--kin' kill ya!"

The crowd booed when McCain was mentioned leading the fallen candidate to say "I disagree with Senator McCain on a number of issues but, I agree with him on doing whatever it takes to be successful in Iraq, on finding and executing Osama bin Laden, and I agree with him on eliminating Al Qaeda and terror worldwide!" Finally stating "F-ck Mike Huckabee if he doesn't want to step down and f-ck his buddy with the Just For Men beard too, I'm not scared of him." Mistakenly thinking he saw Norris, Romney flinched like a battered housewife and then stepped down from the podium.

2008-02-04T12:48:00.000-08:00

#1 And Double The Fun, Hannah Montana Tops B.O. By Doubling Ticket Price

Number one with an asterisk* Disney and Miley/Sybil/Hannah Montana/Billie Jean/ Jo Cyrus will have to settle for that after a surprising but somewhat tainted victory. In what was the best Super Bowl Weekend opening ever, Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert took in a surpising $31.1M to overtake last weeks champ Meet the Spartans which dropped to third place. Disney however, assured its victory by eliminating all children's discounts on the limited run movie and doubling the ticket price in all theaters. "We are pleasantly surprised by the strong showing of this concert film," said a Disney rep. He also added "It's a great family film and any kid whose parents don't take them to see it, look at your parents and realize that they've never loved you and your life is an empty lie."

"I'm bankrupting your parents financially and morally, shhh!"

Winnie Carter of Culver City, California was one of a lucky few who won a local radio station's Montana-themed contests for tickets. "They only wanted one child and I got here first," the mother shrugged. "They are sending my youngest boy off to Sri-Lanka to work at a "men's resort" of some kind or whatever they said, but he's happy. He knows his sister wanted those tickets real bad. We love you, Billy."

The movie which was initially scheduled for a seven day run was such a wallet-raping success, that the house that Song of the South built has decided to extend the run. "Some theaters may get one week others may get two." said the flack. He then added "We're gonna get that money. Even if we have to get Miley to ring your doorbell so you answer it then when you do we beat you like Joe Pesci in Casino, we're gonna get it!"

2008-02-04T06:02:00.000-08:00

Brady Gets Grass Stains, Giants Win Super Bowl XLII

"Ref! The guys in white...they touched ME!"

In what can be called the greatest Super Bowl game ever played, the New England Patriots took their rightful place in history next to all the other losing teams as they were soundly defeated by the New York Giants. Emperor Belichick and Darth Brady were unable to overcome the Giants ability to lay hands on him and were told of their loss shortly after they left the field with seconds to go. "My pants...they're d-dirty...diiiiiirty!" uttered a visbly shaken Tom Brady. Giselle Bundchen's meat wad was harshly introduced to the game of PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL this Sunday as he was touched by an opposing teams defense. "They ran at me and pushed!" he said "...and the language..the smells...my pants...dirty..."

"Goood...oh wait, we lost? Not so goood."

It wasn't just the Giant-D that was responsible as quarterback Eli Manning threw a masterful game in which he outdueled New England's All-Pro douche. Patriots coach Bill Belichick made it seem as if he predicted it by saying "The Giants of New York shall defeat us in this game and reap the benefits of praise and adulation for their act of heroism." When informed that this wasn't a bad thing the coach responded "Well, I didn't finish yet!" he proclaimed " They will also um...ya know, not get really cool rings like we got or hot girls or anything like that and uh...probably the runs for like a good week." He then wrung his hands and hissed "Um...Good?" before abruptly ending the interview.

The win halts the Pats run at perfection leaving the '72 Dolphins as the sole undefeated Super Bowl Champ and leaving this team with alot of unanswered questions and an assload of "19-0 The Perfect Season" t-shirts to be sold on the cheap on Ebay.

Don Shula laughed himself into intensive care shortly after this report.

2008-02-03T10:45:00.000-08:00

Ann Coulter Threatens To Back Hillary

The botoxed face of evil

In a move that shows there may be a bit of dissention in the ranks of The GOP, sentient demon-vagina, Ann Coulter swore in an interview with Hannity and Colmes that she would campaign for Hillary Clinton if John McCain received her party's nomination for president. Coulter fumed that he was a" Republican in name only", that he was "not only bad for Republicanism but bad for America" and "how can I trust someone who's never looked into the eyes of a distraught mother as they devour the soul of their first born? Everyone knows my resume."

Coulter after "convincing" an undecided voter.

Coulter wasn't the only one miffed as pill-popping, cradle robbing right-wing douche Rush Limbaugh chimed in as well. "He is not the choice of conservatives, as opposed to the choice of the Republican establishment — and that distinction is key," Limbaugh continued. "The Republican establishment, which has long sought to rid the party of conservative influence since Reagan, is feeling a victory today as well as our friends in the media." also adding "You guys...you're so god damned righteous! We let the coloreds vote and women too! Don't they have a chihuaha at the polls to point out where all the maids and day laborers can vote too? I mean Jesus, you want to take this "liberal" thing and run willy-nilly with it, huh? Well, he sucks! John McCain sucks!" Limbaugh then walked over to a parked car, punched out the drivers side window and ran off with the stereo.

"She said whaa?"

When informed of the Republican spitfire's comments, the former first lady responded with a confused "Dude...what?" she then emphatically added "Aww hell to the nah, she did not say that! Did she?"

2008-01-31T12:05:00.000-08:00

Britney Spears Commited, TMZ Worried She'll Make Full Recovery

After months of erratic behavior, disgraced pop icon Britney Spears was finally committed last night to UCLA Medical Center's psychiatric ward. After the courts deemed her a 5150 (a danger to the public and herself), an ambulance led motorcade worthy of a US president showed up to take her to the hospital. With parents and other leeches in tow, the meal ticket to the soulless was hauled off for her date with the noggin doctor.

Harvey Levin stops to pose for the HMJ cameras.

Outisde of the hospital TMZ's chief sack of vinegar, Harvey Levin paced nervously about dressed in black. A distraught Levin proclaimed "Either way, this is a sad day for entertainment and whatever it is we do over at TMZ. On one hand she can get proper medical care and fully recover. Or she can have a total relapse and die." The fruit of Satans taint then added "Neither one is really good for us as we can only milk it for so long. Ledger's dead. If we had known he had a problem we would have made fun of him and his habit daily until he kicked it. This chick made us. We feed our families by calling her fat and praying for her to overdose but we don't want her to stop just...you know...spread it out over a couple of years?"

As a contingency plan, staffers at the journalisitic abomination of God and man have taken to shouting fat jokes and tossing crack cocaine at Hannah Montana while filming it and trying to get anyone from High School Musical to hang out with Rick Salomon. "We have bills to pay,"said one staffer on the grounds of anonymity. "We tried yelling stuff at Brad and Angelina's kids. Tried calling them fat or drug addled but they stare at us like they don't understand. Foreign kids are weird."

2008-01-30T16:15:00.000-08:00

Man Who Used Stun Gun To "Toughen Up" Toddler Gets 46 Months

Rian Wittman: A douche of biblical proportions.

Taking a page out of the Chris Benoit Book of Parenting 23 year old Rian James Wittman in an attempt to "toughen up" his 18 month-old son, tased the boy on several occassions with a Dragon-Fire Stun Gun. Sources say the Albany, Oregon resident wanted the boy to be "the toughest cage fighter ever" and figured the walking, talking and going to the bathroom on his own would come later. Originally when questioned by the boy's 21 year-old mother, the man claimed he was playing peek-a-boo with the child. He then said he did it because he was arguing with the mother.

Prosecutor Reed Dinsmore said "I spoke to a Department of Human Services careworker who was present, and she said the look in the child's eyes will not easily be forgotten."

Wittman's child rearing kit.

Here's to hoping that Rian Wittman's stay in prison is reminiscent of the worst episode of Oz multiplied by ten with inmates who are endowed like elephants.

Help me, Jebus!

2008-01-30T14:36:00.000-08:00

Edwards Calls It A Day and Hillary Wins At Shadowboxing

"Screw you guys, I'm going home."

Citing a need to "step aside so that history can blaze its path", John Edwards has dropped out of the race for the Democratic party nomination. After finishing second in the Iowa Caucus, the senator was soundly defeated each time by Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. This would be the second time Edwards has stepped down after a failing primary campaign.

In the high-profile, Oprah endorsed glare of the Obama and Clinton campaigns Edwards fell by the wayside. It was as if the 2004 Vice Presidential candidtate had become an after thought. A somber Edwards noted: " With our convictions and a little backbone we will take back the White House in November." He then said "It's obvious you didn't want me though. Jesus Christ, I'm a good-looking white man with great hair running for president. If I can't beat a black dude and a chick nobody likes then maybe you people don't deserve me." He then muttered "...bastards" as his voice trailed off.

Edwards said that on his way to making his campaign-ending statement, he drove by a highway underpass where several homeless people live. He stopped to talk, he said, and as he was leaving, one of them asked him never to forget them and their plight. After his speech, he drove back then chastised them for not registering and told them may they rot where they stand.

"Yeah boyeeeee!"

In other primary news, Hillary Rodham Clinton celebrated an empty victory in Florida last night. By taking 50% of the vote, Clinton beat Obama in the Sunshine States' primary. Unfortunately, it has been established Florida's delegates won't be seated at the August convention, because the state broke party rules by jumping the gun on traditional early-voting states like New Hampshire and Iowa. In laymen's terms the win holds the value of defective scratch-off lottery ticket. Still Hillary held a rally fit for a man who aprehended Bin Laden, discovered the cure for cancer and figured out a Rubiks cube while blind folded. "I am thrilled to have had this vote of confidence that you have given me today!" Clinton told cheering supporters. Political analyst Hank Manfre shrugged and said: "It's kinda like winning a date with Star Jones. You win but have you really won?"

2008-01-30T11:53:00.000-08:00

Florida Voters Say "Who-liani?", Rudy '08 Is History

The 9/11 express came to a screeching halt yesterday as Rudolph Giuliani dropped out of the race for the Republican Party's presidential nomination. After garnering just 15% of the vote and coming in third behind John McCain and Mitt Romney, America's Mayor realized that his "Retired New Yorkers Live In Florida" strategy was a bad idea. He failed to take into account that those same retired New Yorkers were old enough to remember what a divisive, oppressive, hypocritical douche he was in the eight years he held office up until September 10, 2001.

"I'm proud that we chose to remain positive," said the former mayor. "Even if one guy is a potential polygamist, weirdo freak and the other guy never experienced a terrorist attack. What did he get jabbed a couple of times with some punji sticks? I mean if that's what you want from a candidate, whatever." While it wasn't a concession speech, it was pretty clear that Giuliani '08 was closing up shop. Power hungry harpie and current wife, Judith Giuliani had this to say when asked about her husbands perceived failure: "My last name is NATHAN!"

Judith "Judy" Giuliani demonstartes her "soul sucking" technique.

It seemed Rudy's tough guy attitude and "Hey anybody remember 9/11?" campaign didn't register with Floridians. "Well, when the right to life question came up he said that on 9/11 there was no time to think about that." said Esteban Schwartz a voter in the over 40 demographic. "He also said that if it wasn't for 9/11, his views on gay marriage wouldn't have changed and that he would use 9/11 as a template for his new tax strategy and to fight poverty and challenge stem-cell research. To call him a one-trick pony would be an insult to horses everywhere."

2008-01-29T08:26:00.000-08:00

Bush: I've Got Terrorists Bitchified!

"You're god damned right! What? Yeah... I thought so!"

In what was his final State Of The Union Address, the "Duh"mander-In-Chief did not dissappoint fans of John Wayne or The Lone Ranger. With a seeming extra set of hands that he grew, George Bush was able to toot his own horn as well as pat himself on the back simultaneously. With much bravado the president exclaimed in front of a joint session of Congress "Some may deny the surge is working, but among the terrorists there is no doubt," he then uttered to thunderous applause "Al Qaeda is on the run in Iraq and this enemy will be defeated! Yeah mother f---ers!" When asked how any of this has anything to do with the capture of Osama bin Laden, Bush quickly changed the topic of discussion to what's going on with American Idol and how he was "sad" for Britney Spears.

Some of the other "high" point of his address was when he:

Gave Iran a stark warning to "come clean" about its nuclear ambitions and subsequently appointed Roger Clemens to lead the investigation.

Acknowledged "uncertainty" in the US economy and urged Congress to quickly pass the agreed-upon stimulus plan, but warned against withdrawing from free-trade agreements.

Urged the creation of an "international clean-technology fund" to help developing nations use cleaner energy.

Gave a shout out to Halliburton,who just started an "International clean-technology division" to help developing nations use cleaner energy

While trumpeting his "victory", Bush noted that this would likely have not been possible, had it not been for sending some 30,000 additional troops to Iraq a year ago over the fierce objection of Democrats in Congress. He also laughed at the notion that those objections would have been taken seriously in the first place.

"This one's almost big enough to hold a rifle. Get his name!"

2008-01-28T15:46:00.000-08:00

Mensa Invites Cloverfield Fans To Join After Meet The Spartans Tops Box Office

"See I'm an ancient gladiator but the irony is I have on a ski hat, get it...Get it?"

This weekend, moviegoers showed that breathing through their noses is optional as they made Meet the Spartans the number one movie at the box office with an $18.7M opening. Following closely behind with $18.2M in weekend receipts was Ben Gay-fueled homicide romp, Rambo . The triumph knocked last weeks champ Cloverfield, all the way to fourth place with a 60+% drop and a measely $12M take causing the fraternal order of geniuses to extend an offer to the fans. A member on the grounds of anonymity stated "Well, we're just happy they came to their senses." He also added " I believe the ability to recite the alphabet without blacking out played a part in their decision and for that we applaud them. As far as Spartans goes, we'd like to know the rate of inbreeding country-wide before we make a statement."

The most powerful player in entertainment right now.

Progenitor of everything evil, Satan phoned us at HMJ and gloated about his latest victory. "It's kinda funny when things like this occur,because people cry and proclaim 'There's no God!' " Adding "It's not a question of his existence, it's a testament to mine!" He then cackled maniacally finally stating: "It's only January bitches! It's about to get hot up in this piece!"

2008-01-28T12:10:00.000-08:00

Oh No He Di 'int? Clinton Calls Obama: Jesse Jackson "The Remix"

"Wait...yeah, knife's in my back now!"

Like a good ol' fashioned game of "The Dozens", the race to win the Democratic party's nomination gets nastier by the second. After his wife's defeat at the hands of Oprah's Chosen One, the former president came out with both guns blazing reminiscent of Chow Yun Fat. "Jesse Jackson won South Carolina in '84 and '88. Jackson ran a good campaign. And Obama ran a good campaign here." said Clinton. "Aw come on, you guys never vote and now all of a sudden you care? If she don't win I'm in trouble."

Hillary Clinton spent much of yesterday's interview on Face The Nation performing damage control duties. "Well, I think it's human nature. I think that the spouses of all three of us have, you know, been passionate and vigorous defenders of each of us and, you know, maybe got a little carried away," said the former first lady. "All I'm saying though, is do you see how he looks at me? I just want all the southerners to watch him and how he looks at me. "They" frighten me." She then chalked up her husbands comments to "sleep deprivation" and reminded the viewers that she still thinks "those people" are OK but should wait a little before they go running for a real job in office.

Oh crap, someone get him a frickin' intern!

When asked about the Clintons' comments, Obama handled himself with dignity by saying "Jesse Jackson ran historic races in 1984 and 1988, and there's no doubt that that set a precedent for African-Americans running for the highest office in the land. But, you know that was twenty years ago...what she need to do is get them cankles moving to the next primary and lets see what happens then!" Oh snap!" and then motioned for a high five as wife Michelle Obama uttered a sassy "I heard that!"

Oooh, burn.

2008-01-26T16:17:00.000-08:00

Let The Diapers Hit The Floor!

For what may be the first time in entertainment history, Hollywood has finally listened to public outcry and will give movie goers what they've been craving. A Peter Jackson-directed Hobbit movie? Uh-uh. A film where the black guy doesn't die within the first ten minutes? Uh...there are three Blade movies, thank you. After twenty years Sylvester Stallone will bring John Rambo back to the silver screen with the creatively titled Rambo.

With the success of 2006's Rocky Balboa, it was only natural that the Italian Stallion would bring another geriatric character back to the big-screen. The sixty year-old star ditched the metamucil and hit the HGH like a baseball player in December to get ready for the role. Through an interpreter, Stallone told us "The plastic hip held up pretty well durin' shootin' and I duct taped the waist and both legs of my underwear to my body during the tough action scenes." He then laughed as he told us "A couple times when I fell real hard I...ya know "went" on myself but it stayed in the diaper. A couple people were like "What's that smell?" but I didn't say nuthin!"

Murder She Wrote...bring it back, now!

Studios will be watching this weekends numbers very closely. With Stallone's opus unspooling and another Indiana Jones film premiering this summer, the AARP action genre may be the hottest ticket in town. Sources have informed us that execs are already looking at more of Sly's characters to bring back. Look for Over The Top II: Let's Do It Lefty and Stop Or My Mom Will Make That Old People Lip Smacking Noise! with the latter re-teaming Stallone with co-star Estelle Getty. When reached with this news at her home directly under the H in the Hollywood sign, Getty said "Oh, that's nice. Sly Stone is a nice boy and he makes wonderful music. Who called my name?"

"Where am I?"

2008-01-25T15:01:00.000-08:00

NY Gov. Spitzer Says: "Crack Is Taxed!"

Hold on Pookie ! Next time you look for Ray-Ray n 'em for your fix you better have exact change!

In a move that's sure to have the offices of H&R Block overrun with clients with names like "Silk Daddy" and "Willie Smoove", New York State Governor Eliot Spitzer has proposed a tax stamp on illegal drugs which would cost $3.50 per gram for marijuana and $200 per gram for a controlled substance.

"Twenty-nine states across the nation have enacted laws enabling them to collect taxes on illegal drugs," said spokesman Errol Cockfield. Opponents of the bill though say the plan sends a messag ethat using drugs is OK as long as you pay your taxes. Some are even outraged at the notion of a tax. "What's next, taxing prostitution?" asked Assembly Minority Leader James Tedisco (R-Schenectady) adding " I can't wait to see what kind of stamp they'll put on these girls in New York City and around the state. My accountant is gonna be amused...no one is recording this, right?"

Weed tax? No waaaaay!

HMJ took to the streets and asked drug dealers what their opinion of Spitzer's plan was. "This dude is out his gat damned mind!" proclaimed Beumont "Cat Daddy" Wilkens. "OK, let's say I start charging tax. Where the hell is a crackhead gonna get what amounts to New York State tax? He's a crackhead and he probably stole that five dollars! And where the hell are my girls supposed to put the damn receipts? Aw, hell naw!"

"Cat Daddy" Wilkens procurer of runaways and prompt tax payer.

2008-01-25T04:39:00.000-08:00

NY Times To Rudy: Dude, Cancel That Subscription

After a ringing endorsement of Senator John McCain in which the New York Times stated: "Senator John McCain of Arizona is the only Republican who promises to end the George Bush style of governing from and on behalf of a small, angry fringe," then proclaimed "With a record of working across the aisle to develop sound bipartisan legislation, he would offer a choice to a broader range of Americans than the rest of the Republican field.", the tabloid got all Donna Hanover on former New York Mayor and current presidential hopeful Rudolph Giuliani. The paper released a stream of vitriol(or as some people call it, TRUTH) normally reserved for the likes Nazi war criminals and Michael Vick.

"Mr. Giuliani’s arrogance and bad judgment are breathtaking. When he claims fiscal prudence, we remember how he ran through surpluses without a thought to the inevitable downturn and bequeathed huge deficits to his successor. He fired Police Commissioner William Bratton, the architect of the drop in crime, because he couldn’t share the limelight. He later gave the job to Bernard Kerik, who has now been indicted on fraud and corruption charges." The Times noted. It then went on to say "The Rudolph Giuliani of 2008 first shamelessly turned the horror of 9/11 into a lucrative business, with a secret client list, then exploited his city's and the country's nightmare to promote his presidential campaign," and "I mean seriously did you ever hear this guy's lisp? And that combover he had, what's was up with that?

Tough on crime, easy on the eyes!

The venom was aplenty as they called Mitt Romney a "shape-shifting douche" and chastised Mike Huckabee for being an "anti-immigration absolutist" and bringing religion and Chuck Norris into the race. When told about the paper's bashing of him, Giuliani said "I probably never did anything the New York Times suggested I do in eight years as mayor of New York City, and if I did, so what? Who wrote that anyway? I'll have them killed. Uh...you remember when 9/11 happened , right? Saw it...I was there."

Huckabee, you bastard.

2008-01-24T14:24:00.000-08:00

Ultimate Douchebag Praises Ledger's Death

Ultra Right-Wing mouth breather, Warrior f.k.a. Ultimate Warrior (Jim Hellwig is his real name but he had to legally change it so equally douche-y Vince McMahon couldn't profit off of him.) reminded the world just how dangerous a mix of too much time, steroids and a desire to be remembered can be. In a rambling manifesto posted on his blog, he mockingly referred to the recently deceased actor as "Leather Ledger" and when he wasn't making fifth grade level homophobic taunts, he gushed about how he was glad Ledger had killed himself. All this from a man who used to wear a tiny speedo, oil himself up and roll around on a mat with other oiled up men. And by the way, did I mention he did this while injecting his body with drugs that will eventually kill him but not before shriveling his testicles to the size of plain M&M's?

The juiced up hunk of has-been had a bright wrestling career that petered out in the mid-90's due to an inflated ego offset by a shrunken brain. His signature move was...well a clothesline because he was a terrible wrestler. He has since resigned to a life of suing people that say Warrior or use the leter W or look at a picture of him and laugh at what a joke he has become. At least he isn't gay.

Nope...not gay at all.

2008-01-24T11:43:00.000-08:00

Detroit Mayor Texts Top Aide: "OMG I Think U R F'N Hot 2!"

"Yeah, uh-huh...yadda-yadda-yadda, so help me God! Let's get this over with!

The Mayor of Detroit may have to change his name to Kwame Kil-My Career after perjuring himself on the witness stand. According to the Detroit Free Press 14,000 text messages between Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and his lover Christine Beatty, a top aide have been discovered after the official swore under oath that he was not having an extra-marital affair. The messages were obtained under Michigan's public records law.

The messages show them engaging in sexually charged banter, recounting trysts and laughing off almost getting 'busted' as the disgraced duo put it. Some of the higlights of their chats include:

"I'm madly in love with you," To which Beatty replied "I hope you feel that way for a long time. In case you haven't noticed, I am madly in love with you, too!"
"And, did you miss me, sexually?" With the City Hall horndog replying "Hell yeah! You couldn't tell. I want some more."
"They were right outside the door. They [the mayor's bodyguards] had to have heard everything, so we are officially busted! LOL," She responded. "LOL LOL! Damn that. Never busted. Busted is what you see! LOL. ...,"

and

"Do you think we should be using our city contracted Blackberries to text message sexually explicit things to each other?" with Kilpatrick saying "Nah baby, nobody reads that sh-t. We about to get ta freakin', bring the lube! I'm Kwame Kilpatrick, bitch!"

"Yes your honor , it was like this!"

Photo 1 by Detroit Free Press
Phot 2 by AP

2008-01-24T09:39:00.000-08:00

Cloverfield Makes Viewers Sick...No Really, It Does

"Are those double-knit crewnecks from the fall collection? That's so hot!"

Cloverfield the box-office hit about monsters terrorizing Ambercrombie & Fitch employees in New York City, has succeeded in making people other than me violently ill. Sources say that the $46M dollar brain fart has been causing dizzyness and nausea for reasons other than its poor script and Youtube-caliber acting.

One blogger on the movie site IMDB, reported "I had to get up and leave the theater for nearly 20 minutes just to keep from hurling." he then added "Really? Motion sickness? Nah, I'm fine." Michael G. Stewart, chairman of otorhinolaryngology at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital/Weil Cornell Medical Center called it a case of vertigo and said "You can look around and feel like things are moving, when they aren't." He then noted how in cases of vertigo the brain is confused by a visual sensation of movement while the body is stationary. He later cautioned that upon purchase of tickets for the film, a persons brain activity and functionality should be in question anyway.

Leaked poster for Cloverfield II: Clove Harder

The AMC chain of theaters across the country have posted signs warning moviegoers of potential "side effects associated with motion sickness similar to riding a roller-coaster." as well as "a feeling of shame and exploitation as you realized you are basically watching JJ Abrams defecate in a film cannister as your money continues to put his kids through school and pay off his platinum and diamond encrusted toilet bowl."

2008-01-23T12:44:00.000-08:00

Catholic League Tells ESPN Anchor, "No, F--k YOU!"

The Catholic League was on the offensive this week as it questioned ESPN's response in the suspending of anchor Dana Jacobson after buckling to pressure from them. During a roast for on-air personality Mike Greenberg in Atlantic City, an intoxicated Jacobson declared "F--k Notre Dame", "F--k Touchdown Jesus," and finally "F--k Jesus!" They claim her apology and subsequent suspension are not enough and that the Disney-owned network is supporting her "hate speech" by not publicly disemboweling her like Mel Gibson at the end of Braveheart.

League president Bill Donohue claims "First, there is no evidence that ESPN is taking this matter seriously," he then said. "Are we to believe that her hate speech is of no consequence?" He went on to mention the firing of Jimmy The Greek and that her intoxication was no excuse as it didn't help Gibson with his remark about Jews. Finally he noted "By far the most offensive thing she said, 'F--- Jesus,' isn't even addressed!" He then quickly reminded us how Catholics are more "gangsta" than any religion and that Jacobson should "check herself" because they've slaughtered thousands for something as trivial as not sharing their beliefs.

"It's all good, Dana."

Jesus was spotted leaving the Hannah Montana concert in Las Vegas, Nevada on Tuseday and had this to say: "She said that? Dude, whatever." After more prodding the Spawn of The Almighty exclaimed "Uh...millions of people worship me in different ways. I've got about a million names. There's incurable diseases, heinous crimes against humanity, senseless war and I'm still not sure how Carrot Top sells out Vegas every night. I'm the son of God...I've WON! Let it go already!"

Christianity, F--k yeah!

2008-01-22T12:40:00.000-08:00

Say His Name Three Times: Candyman, Candyman, RALPH NADER!

One and the same to Democrats everywhere!

"One-two, Freddy's coming for you..." Little girls singing? Always scary. The piano plinks from the Halloween films can ruin a good pair of pants on a dark night. "I'll decide in a month." should have Democrats running through the woods and trying not to trip because it looks like Ralph Nader's coming and he'll soon be announcing it officially. The former Green Party and Reform Party presidential candidate is back to leave voters confused and the Democratic party shivering and bloody in the corner with a torn dress and one missing high heel shoe.

Nader in Montreal for an interview with CBC radio's "Daybreak", said "What I'm deciding on right now is whether we can get enough volunteers, enough financial resources, to overcome the huge ballot-access obstacles, which you don't experience here in Canada, but which are the worst in the Western world in the United States." He then went on to say "It's just fun messing sh-t up. I try to do it every four years."

Analysts in the know say that Nader single handedly took enough votes from Al Gore in 2000 to usher in the Bush era in the White House. Democrats also blame him for sabotaging Kerry in '04. Republicans are already sending him booze, gift cards from the Sharper Image and an assload of fruit baskets.

The race needs you Ralph!!

2008-01-22T11:06:00.001-08:00

I Had a Dream..and There Were Chicks In It

While stumping on the campaign trail for the Hillabot 2000, former President Bill Clinton reminded black voters how important they were to them by falling asleep during a Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial Service at the Convent Avenue Baptist Church in Harlem. "Black guy stuff is cool and all" said the former leader of the free world. He also added "but sometimes...ya know, they talk too long. As soon as they started "raising the roof" I was gonna get up out of my seat and "testify" or whatever it is they do."

He once famously told Dan Rather in a 60 Minutes interview "If I can take a nap, even 15 or 20 minutes in the middle of the day, it is really invigorating to me. On the days when I'm a little short of sleep, I try to work it out so that I can sneak off and just lie down for 15 minutes, especially after getting ya know "serviced"? Jesus, a real good one turns the old legs into linguini, know what I mean?" This is not the first time Clinton has slept at public events. Besides nodding off at a televised NY Mets game he also slept through Ronald Reagan's Funeral.

2008-01-22T09:37:00.000-08:00

Winehouse Moves Up In Jebus Dead Pool

They tried to make her got to rehab she said: "Pass that sh*t!" Like a presidential candidate with backing from Oprah, Chuck Norris and Tom Brady, UK coke receptacle Amy Winehouse jumped to the top of the HMJ Dead Pool with her latest drug fueled episode.

Winehouse was caught on video trying to make the world forget Robert Downey Jr. as she took pulls on a rock-filled, glass pipe in front of friends at a party in her UK flat. Beacon of journalistic virtue, The Sun also claimed she snorted powdered ecstacy and cocaine during her 19 minute tribute to Bobby Brown. To make sure she had all her bases covered, the "Rehab" singer then told her guests she'd be unable to go out with them because she had swallowed six valium as well.

Jebus odds makers put her at 4-1 to not make it to the end of the year. "Britney is crazy. Lohan is more likely to get something nasty in her undercarriage than bite it...unless she's driving. This Winehouse chick though is "crack crazy"! said the bookie "She's becoming the New England Patriots of self-destruction. She's Artie Lange with breasts!" Well, smaller ones...

2008-01-21T08:14:00.000-08:00

Cloverfield Tops Box Office In Spite Of Itself

As a testament to my "It's the hormones in the meat" theory, Cloverfield tops the box-office this weekend with a whopping $46M take making it the largest January opening ever! The Blair Witch meets Godzilla schlockfest ran away with the receipts knocking Morgan Freeman/Jack Nicholson "Cancer, F--k Yeah!" fest, The Bucket List all the way to number three.

Cloverfield, the story about a monster that takes out its frustration on New York is a steaming pile of cliche culled from the mind of JJ Abrams, creator of Alias. The film shot in "shaky-cam" style like it's witch themed predecessor, succeeds in reaching new heights in mediocrity. With no-name, American Eagle Outfitters catalogue models in the lead roles, lines like "Run! run! run!", "What is that thing?" and "I saw it. It's alive. It's huge!" are delivered with such ferocity that Academy members are kicking themselves for having to waste a vote on such drivel as No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood.

"We're like sooo not gonna get to see The Hills tonight, right?"

2008-01-18T13:44:00.000-08:00

NooseWeek: Golfweek Magazine Says: "So...This Hanging Thing Really Happened, Huh?"

Note to automotive companies: If there's a crash test dummy opening, look out for that Dave Seanor resume! Seanor was removed as vice preident and editor of Golfweek magazine after approving a cover with a noose on it in relation to the Tiger Woods/Kelly Tilghman debacle. Turnstile Publishing, the parent company of the magazine moved swiftly in relieveing the one-time VP of all his duties. President William J. Kupper stated: "We were trying to convey the controversial issues with a strong and provocative graphic image. It is now obvious that the overall reaction to our cover deeply offended many people. For that, we are deeply apologetic." he also noted "We've decided to put our "Burning Cross" Black History Month Issue on hold until we can get a feel for the public's reaction."

As it was reported last week Tilghman a Golf Network anchor, was suspended for two weeks after her "lynch him in an alley" comment set off a firestorm of controversy culminating in disciplinary action against her at the behest of "Permed Prince of Political Correctness" Al Sharpton . This latest episode casts a shadow over the magazine which is dedicated to a sport that's been around for 552 years and has acknowledged the abilities of black people and even women for at least 15. "This is unacceptable and while I'm happy he was disciplined, I'm disappointed in the loss of face time for me." said the civil-rights activist. Sharpton then went on to say "I just hope I get a "fired whitey" credit for this. That was mine man...aw man, how did I miss that?"

That check's made out to "Cash", right?

Sharpton said his National Action Network will have meetings with Turnstile Publishing over the next few weeks but he hopes it doesn't interfere with him stopping black people from eating at White Castle which is his latest cause. "I go there all the time and white people don't even work there." he railed. "Free burgers would be a band-aid on a gunshot wound but it's a start."

*Special Thanks to TFitz @ TheFwoosh

2008-01-18T10:44:00.000-08:00

AP To Britney: You're In Our "Dead Pool"

Thanks, ma!

Proving that Lynne Spears isn't the only one who could give a crap about her, Associated Press entertainment editor Jesse Washington admitted yesterday that the AP already has an obituary printed for Britney Spears. The reasoning being that Spears' recent behavior has her in the "at-risk" category. "We would never wish any type of misfortune on anybody and hope that we would never have to use it until 50 years from now, but if something were to happen, we would have to be prepared and damnit, we want to be first!" said Washington. "Besides, she's been tongue kissing the reaper for a few years now. Every guy she's with is closer to sprouting bat wings and eating a new born child than the last one. Sheesh, have you seen this new guy draggin her drug-addled ass around? If she's dangling over the pit of doom on a rope, this douche has the scissors." The AP also noted that the practice is common and that it's been so for years. "Christ, I lose money every year on Andy Dick!" said an Associated Press staffer. "He's either part Irish or a cat! Death should just take the loss with this guy 'cause it ain't happenin'!"

Andy Dick: Still ducking the Reaper.

2008-01-17T12:09:00.000-08:00

Smile, You've Got Jimmy Hats!

LifeStyles condoms looks to revolutionize the photo booth with it's new "Makeout Booths" premiering today at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah. "Condom-dispensing machines have always been a nightlife fixture," said LifeStyles spokeswoman Carol Carrozza. "LifeStyles is essentially combining the concept of a condom dispenser with a black-and-white photo booth as a playful means to promote safe sex." It was not clear if the booths contained a "miss the entire toilet with your projectile vomit" or "It's 3:45AM, where's the fat, drunk girl?" feature as those two instances have also long been a "nightlife fixture".

Skip Tenneman: "Dude, just point me at the booth! I'm ready!"

The booths are said to be hitting New York City in February and roofie-pushing frat boys are chomping at the bit. "So, two people can fit in there huh?" said Brent Masterson. "Back in the day, we used to have to find a bathroom or a dark corner in the club. Sometimes it was hard to find a place to prop them up but this one...it's got fricken seats! Sweet!" noted Skip Tenneman a fifth year senior at a local New York City college.

Thanks LifeStyles!

Technorati Profile

2008-01-17T09:34:00.000-08:00

Eddie Murphy And Wife Split, Wedding Guests Get Whiplash

With a time that would make Marion Jones smile but Britney Spears laugh at his ineptiude, Eddie Murphy and "wife" Tracey Edmonds have split after just two weeks. The Norbit star released a statement saying: "After much consideration and discussion, we have jointly decided that we will forego having a legal ceremony as it is not necessary to define our relationship further," it then went on to ask exactly how many Spice Girls are left and if they "swirl".

Shreks' favorite jackass "married" Edmonds after an affair with Spice Girl, Mel B. (Melanie Brown) which lasted just long enough for her to learn how to spell his last name and spit out a kid. The transvestite hookers best friend then went on to deny the child was his until Brown Maury-ed his ass with a paternity test. An unnanmed Murphy rep said: "I think he's figuring out it's cheaper to grow a beard then to keep marrying 'em."

"Thas jus' my baby daddy!"

2008-01-17T08:28:00.000-08:00

Total Re-Cow: FDA Says It's OK To Buy Cloned Meat & Milk

"Eet ees like meat but you know, a clone?"

A team of Ahnuld's scriptwriters couldn't have done it any better but the FDA says that it is now OK to buy the meat of cloned animals. The United States Department of Agriculture has asked the farmers to keep the meat of the genetic perversions off the market because of concerns over customer fears. "Even though it is safe and the sale of it has been approved, we are worried about things like mass hysteria and additional appendages." said an USDA flack. When asked if he himself had a problem with cloned meats consumption he resonded: "Who, me? Oh I don't eat that sh--, because...well, you know...because?"

Although the meat was declared safe to eat in October of 2007, it wasn't until yesterday that the administration gave a green light to the sale of it. Cloned livestock farmer, Willard "Willie" Haskins of Kentucky adds "Shoot, meat is meat. I thought weird stuff would happen when I first ate cloned meat but nothing out of the ordinary has really happened." He then went on to say "Other than this little thing right here on my arm, I feel fine. Sumbitch still itches and my nose bleeds when I clap but that coulda come from anywhere ya know?"

"Willie" can you hear me?

2008-01-16T09:40:00.000-08:00

Mitt Hits The Fan: Romney Wins In Daddy's Backyard

"Thanks for your support honey...and honey...and you too honey!"

Latter Day Saints be praised, Mitt Romney notched a victory over John McCain in his home state of Michigan last night to be come the front runner du jour for the Republican Party. According to media outlets, Romney beat John McCain by a nine percent margin garnering 39 percent of the vote to McCain's 30. Rudy "I Was There On 9/11" Giuliani also registered a whopping 3 percent of the vote!

"Tonight marks the beginning of a comeback for America," Romney said "You got out and told America what they needed to hear....and that is...um...yeah...you know my dad the GOVERNOR used to work here, right? Kill brown people! No gays...and oil money for everyone! Well not all of you but, you guys know who I'm talking to...uh... Whooo!" He was then quickly ushered off stage.

Artist rendition of how it may have looked at the Michigan voting booths.

Analysts say the Romeny Wives played a big part in the outcome. "All he did was tell his wives to get to the polls." said one shaken volunteer. "It looked like the final battle in 300! I can't find my sister! Has anyone seen my sister?" South Carolina's polygamy laws may play a big part in Saturday's primary.

2008-01-15T12:49:00.000-08:00

Show Me The Nutty: Tom Loves Being A 'Tologist!

"And then we'll deplete your planets' natural resources! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Mr. Katie Holmes delights the masses in a new leaked "Scientology, F--k Yeah!" promotional video. Tom Cruise has finally proven what we here at HMJ have known all along. Humanity is weird and Scientology is the norm. The tape is a medley of a zealots gretest hits (cue the scroll) including

"Now is the time. Being a Scientologist, people are turning to you, so you better know it. You better know it. And if you don't, go learn it. But don't pretend you know it -- or whatever -- we're here to help."

"If you're a scientologist, you see things they way they are, in all its glory, in all its complexity."

"I do what I can and I do it the way I do everything [laughs maniacally]. There's nothing part of the way for me [slaps knee]. It's just whoooo [moves hand upward in rocket motion]." *Jesus, he's made it easy for me today!-AM

and my personal favorite:

"It's too late we're here. We're in your schools, political offices, everywhere. We're eating brains and taking names...or eating names and taking brains. Gleep, glorp nyaack nyaack nyaaaack! Ack! Ack! Ack!

Attempting to view the video at Youtube will get you this message: This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by Church of Scientology International

We here at HMJ would just like to say...no...put that down...how'd you get in here? It's true these mother fu-...

Due to unfortunate circumstances, Help Me Jebus! is done for today...

2008-01-15T11:40:00.000-08:00

Jenna Jameson Finally Closes Shop And Legs

The flags at Astroglide Headquarters in Vista, California are flying at half mast today as news of Jenna Jameson's retirement spread like a biblically virulent case of mega herpes on the set of one of her films. Over the weekend at the AVN Adult Movie Awards, "America's Petrie Dish" called it a career saying: "I will never ever spread my legs again in this industry ever." which is the equivalent of Bobby Brown saying he's had enough cocaine. Jameson then went on to say she will focus on her web business, her relationship with Mixed Martial Arts fighter Tito Ortiz and try to do things like eat a sandwhich every six months because it's something she remembers as being "fun".

Spankmasters everywhere remember her fondly from her stellar adult film debut in Up and Cummers 10. Her rise to the top was meteoric with some people referring to her as the "greatest pornstar that ever lived" which is like telling someone they have the cutest crippling disfigurement. She became the highest grossing adult star ever earning $60,000 per film and up to $25,000 a night for "dancing". "When it smelled like a bunch of rubber tires on fire, we knew Jenna was in the building and she was gettin' busy!" said Wayne "Drippy" Cummings, a production assistant on most of her films. "She'll be missed here at the clinic." said a physician on the grounds of anonimity "I bought a Rolls and an inground pool on the penicilin money alone...bless her man. God bless her."

Jenna'a Meatbags: Mulling a solo career

The first man to climb Mount Everest died this week at 88. We were going to do a piece on Sir Edmund Hillary but for all his vast accomplishments, he never did 12 guys with no lube.

God bless Jenna indeed!

2008-01-14T06:03:00.000-08:00

The 3 R's: Roidin', Rappin & R&B, Entertainers Named In Steroid Investigation

Senator Mitchell, look what ya done started? This weekend in a stunning revelation form an Albany-based steroid investigation, several rappers and entertainers were named in a list of possible steroid users or recipients. The list includes rappers 50 Cent, Timbaland and Wyclef Jean, R&B songstress Mary J. Blige and even writer/producer/director Tyler Perry. Sources say that officials are worried that the G-Unit rapper and others may have used the performance enhancing drugs to get an advantage on their contemporaries. "Hey, if these guys are using these things to say "f--k" with more emphasis, call women "hoes" or throw money at strippers with a greater degree of contempt than let's say Nelly or someone like that then no, it isn't fair and that's when the government steps in!"

Well, she is "big boneded"...

The investigation launched last year by Albany DA, David Soares looks to identify primary sources of steroid trafficking. Law enforcement officials have said the entertainers haven't broken any laws but "Would you care if it was Rico Schwartz and Tyrone Johnson? It's frickin' 50 Cent, this is awesome!" said the offical on the grounds of anonymity. Representatives of the entertainers had no comment so HMJ took to the streets and surveyed the damage.

Look at those arms. The "J" stands for juiced!

At the Virgin Megastore in Times Square, "Kip" Sanford-Wentworthington shooed his driver away to weigh in on the situation. "If these guys did that then it's wrong. When Kip Jr. is in the Hamptons for the summer doing drugs and blasting their music he has a right to know if "Fitty" called a woman or another rapper for that matter a "bitch-ass n-word" without any help. What does that say to the children?" Another mother chimed in "How can I look at my 12 year old daughter and tell her that when they "Make It Rain" on the "hoes" the guys doing it may have an edge over the average rapper? And what about the "hoes" are they checking them? Those ba-donkadonks are abnormal too. God help us all!" she then turned away to choke back tears.

2008-01-11T13:29:00.000-08:00

Kerry Disses Edwards: "Barack's The Man Now, Dawg!"

"I got your back, dawg!"

In a move that surely sent John Edwards for a loop, John Kerry showed up in Charleston South Carolina with his Obama bandwagon ticket clenched tightly in his fist. The '04 bridesmaid said: "I believe more than anyone else, Barack Obama can help our country turn the page and get America moving by uniting and ending the division we have faced...you guys know I was in Vietnam, right?” He then went on to say that Obama's perceived lack of experience is irrelevant due to the fact that he hasn't picked a running mate and "for the next couple of months this man will not be able to break wind without having to ask me to move my face...anybody remember Vietnam? This guy...I was all up in there!"

A somber Edwards when asked about Kerry's seeming betrayal shrugged and said: "Ah you know, you do things sometimes for people. And they take it from you anyway they can. Savagely and unmercifully they take, take, take! Then when they're finished with you, they toss you aside and never call you. And you're hurt and you don't exactly know why. Your manhood has been taken and you shake and cry alot. Then they tell all their friends what they did to you and those guys call you because they want to do the same to you." When reminded that the question was about Kerry supporting Obama instead of him, Edwards questioned: "John Kerry did what now?"

2008-01-11T13:05:00.000-08:00

B.A. Baracus - Mr. T + Ice Cube = WTF?

Reports out of Hollywood are saying that Ice Cube has snagged the role of B.A. Baracus in John Singleton's big screen adaption of the popular 80's series, The A-Team. The man who brought you F--- tha Police and then starred in the kiddie camp fest Are We There Yet? will only say: "I can't say that I'm gonna be [B.A. yet] because it's still up to Fox, the people who have the movie," he said recently while in New York promoting his new film." "But John Singleton hit me — I believe he's gonna direct. If he directs it, I have a great chance of doing B.A. And yeah, I'd cut it. I'd get it[his signature afro] into a Mohawk!"

The show was about AWOL Vietnam Vets working as soldiers of fortune on the run from the government and starred George Peppard, Dirk Benedict, Dwight Schultz and Mr. T as the burly and imposing Baracus. It will be interesting to see what the star of XXX: This Sucks More Than The First One will bring to the role as the diminutive and doughy rapper is a far cry from the "pee in your pants scary" and chiseled original. Hollywood seems to be subscribing to the stereotype of as long as a black guy doesn't smile, he's SCARY!

What a Mr. T visit to the set of the new A-Team movie may look like.

What Hollywood seems to not remember is that while the A-Team is a fondly remembered show, it was bad. This movie could either be Bewitched or...are there any good TV to movie translations? I have some burning questions though: Will Cube punch a guy and they fly ten feet? Will the team unload enough rounds to take down a football field full of elephants and still not hit anyone? And most importantly, will somebody's car flip 5 times and then they'll walk away woozily before it explodes like it was packed with 25 pounds of TNT?

If you're listening Hollywood: Small Wonder: The Movie starring Dakota Fanning but make her murder the entire family. Pass the popcorn!

2008-01-11T10:55:00.000-08:00

WGA Strike Kills Golden Globes This Sunday, Billy Bush Will Read...No Seriously, He Can

With a little help from the 2007–08 Writers Guild of America strike, NBC has figured out how to put a halt to overlong awards shows filled with mind numbing banter and vacant acceptance speeches: Have mind numbingly vacant people read off a list of winners! Joining a growing list of examples of collateral damage from the WGA strike is the 65th Golden Globe Awards which would have been held Sunday January 13, live on television. In its stead, the network plans a special Globe-themed Dateline show hosted by Matt Lauer from 7 to 9PM. It will be followed by a "press conference" in which Access Hollwood finger puppets, Nancy O'Dell and Billy "Captain Nepotism" Bush will read off a list of the "winners".

A nominated actor on the grounds of anonimty said: "The Golden what now? Oh those? Yeah..um there's a party that night, is that what that's for?" The network tried to postpone the awards but the Hollywood Foreign Press Association and Dick Clark productions would not budge. An HFPA rep commented "If the studios think I'm giving back my "No Country For Old Men" drink coasters or my "Kite Runner" mouse pad, they're out of their frickin' minds!"

The Golden Globes are the Tito Jackson of awards shows and are worthy of respect only slightly higher than that given to the People's Choice and Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards.

2008-01-11T10:07:00.000-08:00

Anchor Lynched for saying "Lynch": Sharpton And The "Word Police" Strike Again!

The most intolerant advocate of tolerance ever to walk the earth is at it again! Al "Watch Your Mouth" Sharpton has rallied his troops in an effort to lay an "Imus" on Golf Channel personality Kelly Tilghman. During coverage of the Mercedes Benz Championship, Tilghman engaging in some broadcast booth banter with colleague Nick Faldo, said that if other golfers hoped to compete with Tiger Woods they should "gang up on him and lynch him in an alley" in order to have a sporting chance. The comments set off a firestorm forcing Sharpton to stop schmoozing for free schwag, donations and assisting felons and to get medievil on her ass. The network responded by suspending her for two weeks.

Al and "sis" Ann Coulter at the Satan Family Reunion/Barbecue Of Souls

In a statement released by the Ultra-Perm pitchman, he noted: "It's not about Tiger Woods. It's about the station. It's about using public airwaves to offend people," Also adding. "Some things are beyond the pale of discussion. Everyone knows that if you say something, everyone better like it and if they don't you better make a donation to my church!" He went on to say it showed a deep seeded racism in the sportscaster and an apology may not be enough, and that she should be fired. Sharpton also said that the Golf Channel can expect his National Action Network to picket their offices in Orlando, Florida and if there are cameras there to expect him as well. This comes despite a statement released from Woods' camp saying that her statements were not perceived to be racist in tone or intent.

Letter-Man: Putting the "w" in "white racists".

Seeing a need to control what comes out of people's mouths, the reverend has lauched an all out war on the English language. Even going so far as to target former Electric Company mascot, Letter-Man. Citing his ability to "put words together" as "sowing the seeds of racism." On the NAN's "You Can't Say That Anymore" agenda are the following offensive words or phrases:

fat
straight haired ho
curly but not quite nappy headed ho
ho ho ho
retard
the
it

and

disingenuous ambulance chasing publicity whore race baiter who never apologized for falsely accusing a man of rape and sodomy

Go get 'em, Al!

2008-01-11T09:07:00.000-08:00

Anti-Smoking Pitchman is No Quitter...He Still Lights Up!

You would think two heart attacks before the age of 30 followed by a subsequent stroke and an amputation would deter someone from poisoning themselves. Well not Skip Legault! The NY State Department of Heaths' latest anti-tobacco boogie man, still smokes 'em while he's got 'em to the tune of a half a pack a day! All this while being on medication for smoking related blood clots. The long-time tobacco addict tells the New York Daily News that the state department was aware that he still smoked but conveniently left it out of his commercial.

The ad features the amputee lamenting about how he started smoking at 8 and he hasn't been able to shake the habit for 40 years. It then goes on to warn viewers to not let smoking ruin their lives like it did his. When reached for comment outside of their offices about this painfully large omission, a DOH representative pointed off in the distance and said: "What's that over there?" as we turned around to look he ran like an Olympic sprinter.

Tobacco lobbyist let out a collective: "Heh-heh...yeah..." upon hearing about this report.

2008-01-10T16:41:00.000-08:00

Bush says: No Guns For Felons Or The Mentally Ill...But They Can Run Like Cheap Pantyhose For Political Office

In an unprecedented and bold move yesterday, Congress passed its first gun control legislation in 12 years! George Bush signed off on a bill that would expand the federal database used to screen gun buyers in order to "Findify felons and the mentally ill." as the Dumbander-In-Chief decreed. Unless of course the mentally ill person was never diagnosed as being so and has no record of behavioral instability which would leave them free to buy anything short of a rocket launcher.

Surprisingly, The Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence and the National Rifle Association are on the same side in this argument but not everyone in Washington is all smiles. Kristen Rand of the Violence Policy Center said there is "far more bad in this bill than good." Due mostly to the fact that there are some provisions to restore gun owning priviledges to some people who could not own before but now pass the "crazy" criteria. Asked if the organization's support for the bill was a sign of a new willingness to work with gun control groups, an NRA spokesman offered this lengthy response: "No."

Clem "Sleep foot" Winifred: Half past crazy but sane enough to buy a gun.

Ass-kicking God bless America.

2008-01-10T15:43:00.000-08:00

It Took 2 Drinks To Get In, It'll Take 9 Months To Get Out: Pamela Anderson Pregnant, Boots The Baby Daddy

A boob joke? Too easy.

Pamela Anderson baffled scientists again with the anouncement that she's pregnant. As blackholes yield nothing, this is truly an unexplained phenomena. "We were always lead to believe that it[her um...thingie] possessed corrosive attributes not unlike the queen in the Alien movies." said a Nobel Prize winning chemist. "We were stunned to learn that it [her...ya know?] was still capable of giving life."

Anderson also decided to boot protein supplier to the stars, Rick Salomon. Originally filing last month, Anderson may have wanted to make sure all that baby juice reached its destination before giving Rick the heave ho. Lynne Spears, lock 'em up baby! If Bin Laden were skank trim, Salomon would've found him seven years ago!

2008-01-10T11:48:00.000-08:00

"I Am Looney": Will Smith Probably, Definitely Might Be Scientologist

The vacuum sound you're hearing is Will Smith's free will being sucked from his body. Yes people, "it" has happened. Long suspected of being a Scientolojoke, The Fresh Prince confirmed it during the "wrap party" for his film Hancock by giving cast and crew a card for a free personality test( *cough* frontal labotomy) at their participating Scientology center.

Smith who recently went on record as saying: " ...in all of the experiences I've had with Tom [Cruise] and Scientology, like, 98 percent of the principles are identical to the principles of the Bible. The Bible says, Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And you know, there's a Scientology principle: Do not create experiences for others that they cannot comfortably perceive." has always been abiguous as to his level of involvement with the House of Hubbard. This latest gift giving incident seems to confirm what many have suspected for some time: Tom Cruise is an evil, miniature space wizard with an unyielding plan to conquer earth and no man, woman or rapper turned actor will stop him!

While his people refuse to comment on the issue, Smith's recent choice in headgear leaves little doubt about who he's rolling with.

Little Gleep Glorp McKibben models his new "Will Smith Fresh Brain Protector" released by the "church".

2008-01-09T13:53:00.000-08:00

Dr. Phil Backs Off Of Spears Exploit-A-Thon, Family Says He Betrayed Them

Jamie and Lynne Spears put their "good parent" hats on for the "Today" show as they slammed Oprah stooge, Dr. Phil for what they call an act of betrayal and a breach of trust which is pretty much the same thing. The family alleges that after meeting with their wackjobalicious daughter, he irresponsibly released a statement on her condition and then tried to exploit her with his ill advised and dropped at the last minute, "intervention" show. Spears family rep, Lou Taylor also went on to say that while McGraw did bring up the subject of an intervention show, the family nixed the idea in belief that it would be detrimental to their daughter. "We have mortgages to pay, boats to buy and BS parenting books to hawk. There isn't enough left of my daughter to go around for him to exploit, she's exclusively ours to uh...love...not exploit." Lynne Spears passionately proclaimed. "You can find out my side of the story when the book "It's Not My Fault, My Daughters Are Easy" comes out in March for only $19.95!"

The douche that ate the canary.

With Oprah Winfrey stumping for Obama, Dr. Phil was unavailable for comment as there was no hand up his ass to make his lips move.

2008-01-08T18:40:00.000-08:00

ESPN Rewards Man For Sloth, Children In 3rd World Countries Still Eat Flies

"The potato's real and I'm chucking it in the garbage! Take that Feed The Children!"

Stan Friedman outlasted the competition last week when he spent 29 hours seated, watching sports and eating. Last week ESPN Zone in New York city had its 1st Annual Ultimate Couch Potato contest and Friedman who works upstairs from the restuarant bested four other Big Apple residents including one female participant, Lindsey Wagenblast. Second place finisher Nate Lopez of Queens lost when his bladder chock full of salty, greasy snacks and diet soda could take no more as he ran out before the alotted bathroom break. For his "athleticism", Friedman will go home with: a 42" HDTV, a recliner, a years worth of ESPN the Magazine, $200 in Zone game cards and a false sense of accomplishment. "I've always wanted to be the best at something and I figured this would be the easiest to be the best at." said the future gout candidate.

The competition was broadcast on ESPN and was seen in many countries where eating regularly and watching TV are a dream that many die never realizing. News spread all the way to the Sudan where Mbutu Mtume had this to say through a translator: "So, in your country you eat and relax as competition? And people are rewarded for it? Wonderful! Would you like to share in this bowl of boiled leaves and larvae? It's the village delicacy."

2008-01-08T06:16:00.000-08:00

There's No Crying In...Aww, Nevermind...

Hillary Clinton was able to override her Terminator programming yesterday with an uncharacteristic display of human emotion. When asked "how grueling it was to be a candidate" and "Who does your hair?", Clinton semi-broke down uttering: "It's not easy...it's not easy,". Her surprising humanity won over the audience in Portsmouth, NH causing resident Allison Hamilton to declare "That was the clincher," and that now Clinton would get her full support. She also blurted out "I like Pop Tarts and unicorns!" for no apparent reason. Others simply wondered aloud "Where'd she get tear ducts from?" and exactly how many first born children were sacrificed in order for her to have the ability to "cry", as it were.

Political analysts say this is reminiscent of the Edmund Muskie debacle of '72 in which the then presidential hopeful crumbled under the weight of public scrutiny of his wife's drinking, smoking and swearing. Muskie then cried like a fat kid in gym class as he spoke publicly in defense of his wife from a flatbed truck in front of the offices of the Union Leader, a local newspaper. This seriously damaged his public standing and he quickly faded, dropping out of the race in April of that year.

The waterworks have had little effect as Barack Obama heads into the primary with a 9% lead.